Last Night
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Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 73
Last Night
Hi everyone,
I wanted to post an experience I had last night with my EXABF. I've only moved out three weeks ago after he went on a drinking binge and he told me that he didn't think we were right for each other and that one of us should move out. For various reasons I decided it was best for me to leave. Well, last night I was coming back from a friends home and decided to drive by his house. As I arrived I saw the car of a women he works with in the driveway. I had suspected they were at the very least "emotionally" involved for a while now. I could not help myself and I pulled into the driveway and started ringing the doorbell, raised the garage door (the one in my car still works), and then checked the front door which was open and stuck my head inside and called out for him. He came down and to make a long story short he and I talked for about an hour after which the other woman "B" came downstairs and we spoke for about another hour, at my insistence, to speak with me about what I'd felt the lies were that they'd been up to. It was confirmed that they did recently meet up at a ski resort a few weeks ago, just days before he told me it was over, and that they my ex had not told me the truth about that. However, they swear that this is all that happened and that the only reason she was there tonight, sleeping in another room, which I later confirmed, was that she was there to support him and that she'd had a drink and didn't think she could drive which was why she was at the house. During our converstation she went on and on about how she knows he has a disease 'Alcohol" and that she has been in my place 10 years ago and that she is trying to be there for a friend to support him. I looked at her and said, if you know he is an alcoholic then and you are trying to support him then why are you drinking with him? She just looked at me and said, "I understand, I understand." My Ex told me that he "sold her on it" again protecting her like had done with week before when he lied to me about going sking with her. To make a long story longer I found myself standing there talking to both of them about my feelings and relationship with my Ex. This other person "B" was actually encouraging him to tell me how he felt and to let me know what he wanted from me. She went on and on about how impressed she was by me and how I was handling the current situation and if it had been her she would have been going off the rails by now. She attempted to even give me advice that from what she had heard about the way he had treated me during our relationship that it seemed that I loved him more than myself and that maybe it would be a good time for us both to take a step back and re-evaluate everything. She said he had told her how much he loves me and that he could see himself with me in about 10 to 20 years just not right now, that we simply didn't get along. How nice of her I thought so she could have time to move in when I moved out. She assured me this wasn't the case and that she was dating someone and that she had just really found out what was going on with us after I moved out. She even looked a bit surprised that he had lied to me and seemed to understand why now I did not believe a lot of what they were saying to me. By the end of the conversation he and I were able to have a few private moments (after I asked her to leave the room) whereby I asked that he hug and kiss me. He did and told me how sorry he was and that he was "working on things." He also told me I needed to move on and that he did not know what the future held. So, here I am feeling exhausted and tired about everything as well as being up most of the night dealing with this situation. I know he does not want me, I know he still drinks, I know he is likely having a lot of his emotional and maybe even phyiscal needs met by B now...but my heart still breaks and I'm having a hard time thinking of my life without him. He has totally rejected me, kicked me to the curb, and even replaced me with someone else for all intensive purposes and yet I still pine for him and our relationship. The rejection is horrible and my self worth is in the toilet. I'm 45 years old and feel like my life is really over. Oh, BTW he did at one point in the coversation last night tell me at one point I stopped paying attention to him about a year ago and alluded to why this was happening, while at another point he told me he was choosing alcohol over me and that he was sorry (in a matter of fact way). She also told me, they both told me, that this was not my fault, it was his issue with alcohol that caused this and that as result of his use it had taken its toll on our relationship and that if he was going to figure this out and get better then he would have to do it on his own. So then what the heck is she doing there? She has taken my place..that's what it feels like and while I know I can't control it I'm not sure how to emotionally deal with this or anything else this situation has left me feeling. I'm having a hard time putting my new apartment together, staying focused at work, and oh btw i'm in a graduate program where I need to complete a huge project in a year or I will face serious reprocussions. He spoke of how he wants me to be free to not deal with his issues and to meet someone and have the bright future I deserve, which B also repeated last night. So if I'm so wonderful why does he not want to do what it takes to be with me? Why choose alcohol? Why choose her instead of me to work things through right now? I'm so hurt and lost...any advice or suggestions would be helpful. I know about an Al Anon Meeting tomorrow that I will attend but that even makes me angry b/c its like I'm dealing with the effects of his alcohol addiction and he is simply moving on with his life with this new "friend." I took a look in the house when I was there and there is simply nothing present to reflect that I lived there at all...like I never existed
I wanted to post an experience I had last night with my EXABF. I've only moved out three weeks ago after he went on a drinking binge and he told me that he didn't think we were right for each other and that one of us should move out. For various reasons I decided it was best for me to leave. Well, last night I was coming back from a friends home and decided to drive by his house. As I arrived I saw the car of a women he works with in the driveway. I had suspected they were at the very least "emotionally" involved for a while now. I could not help myself and I pulled into the driveway and started ringing the doorbell, raised the garage door (the one in my car still works), and then checked the front door which was open and stuck my head inside and called out for him. He came down and to make a long story short he and I talked for about an hour after which the other woman "B" came downstairs and we spoke for about another hour, at my insistence, to speak with me about what I'd felt the lies were that they'd been up to. It was confirmed that they did recently meet up at a ski resort a few weeks ago, just days before he told me it was over, and that they my ex had not told me the truth about that. However, they swear that this is all that happened and that the only reason she was there tonight, sleeping in another room, which I later confirmed, was that she was there to support him and that she'd had a drink and didn't think she could drive which was why she was at the house. During our converstation she went on and on about how she knows he has a disease 'Alcohol" and that she has been in my place 10 years ago and that she is trying to be there for a friend to support him. I looked at her and said, if you know he is an alcoholic then and you are trying to support him then why are you drinking with him? She just looked at me and said, "I understand, I understand." My Ex told me that he "sold her on it" again protecting her like had done with week before when he lied to me about going sking with her. To make a long story longer I found myself standing there talking to both of them about my feelings and relationship with my Ex. This other person "B" was actually encouraging him to tell me how he felt and to let me know what he wanted from me. She went on and on about how impressed she was by me and how I was handling the current situation and if it had been her she would have been going off the rails by now. She attempted to even give me advice that from what she had heard about the way he had treated me during our relationship that it seemed that I loved him more than myself and that maybe it would be a good time for us both to take a step back and re-evaluate everything. She said he had told her how much he loves me and that he could see himself with me in about 10 to 20 years just not right now, that we simply didn't get along. How nice of her I thought so she could have time to move in when I moved out. She assured me this wasn't the case and that she was dating someone and that she had just really found out what was going on with us after I moved out. She even looked a bit surprised that he had lied to me and seemed to understand why now I did not believe a lot of what they were saying to me. By the end of the conversation he and I were able to have a few private moments (after I asked her to leave the room) whereby I asked that he hug and kiss me. He did and told me how sorry he was and that he was "working on things." He also told me I needed to move on and that he did not know what the future held. So, here I am feeling exhausted and tired about everything as well as being up most of the night dealing with this situation. I know he does not want me, I know he still drinks, I know he is likely having a lot of his emotional and maybe even phyiscal needs met by B now...but my heart still breaks and I'm having a hard time thinking of my life without him. He has totally rejected me, kicked me to the curb, and even replaced me with someone else for all intensive purposes and yet I still pine for him and our relationship. The rejection is horrible and my self worth is in the toilet. I'm 45 years old and feel like my life is really over. Oh, BTW he did at one point in the coversation last night tell me at one point I stopped paying attention to him about a year ago and alluded to why this was happening, while at another point he told me he was choosing alcohol over me and that he was sorry (in a matter of fact way). She also told me, they both told me, that this was not my fault, it was his issue with alcohol that caused this and that as result of his use it had taken its toll on our relationship and that if he was going to figure this out and get better then he would have to do it on his own. So then what the heck is she doing there? She has taken my place..that's what it feels like and while I know I can't control it I'm not sure how to emotionally deal with this or anything else this situation has left me feeling. I'm having a hard time putting my new apartment together, staying focused at work, and oh btw i'm in a graduate program where I need to complete a huge project in a year or I will face serious reprocussions. He spoke of how he wants me to be free to not deal with his issues and to meet someone and have the bright future I deserve, which B also repeated last night. So if I'm so wonderful why does he not want to do what it takes to be with me? Why choose alcohol? Why choose her instead of me to work things through right now? I'm so hurt and lost...any advice or suggestions would be helpful. I know about an Al Anon Meeting tomorrow that I will attend but that even makes me angry b/c its like I'm dealing with the effects of his alcohol addiction and he is simply moving on with his life with this new "friend." I took a look in the house when I was there and there is simply nothing present to reflect that I lived there at all...like I never existed
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Sorry you are in so much pain. Breakups always hurt, and the alcoholism makes them even crazier than they need to be.
Here's the thing, though, you HAVE broken up. The more you try to make sense out of the things he and this woman said, the crazier you will feel.
We've all gotten stuck on the "Why couldn't he get better for ME?" question. He isn't getting better for anyone at the moment. The bottom line is that for whatever reason he does not want to be with you any longer, and he does not want to quit drinking yet, so the sooner you can work on accepting those facts the sooner you will start to heal.
Here's the thing, though, you HAVE broken up. The more you try to make sense out of the things he and this woman said, the crazier you will feel.
We've all gotten stuck on the "Why couldn't he get better for ME?" question. He isn't getting better for anyone at the moment. The bottom line is that for whatever reason he does not want to be with you any longer, and he does not want to quit drinking yet, so the sooner you can work on accepting those facts the sooner you will start to heal.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm not sure how long you were with him, but realistically, you were in for a lot MORE pain if you had stayed with him.
My SUGGESTION is that you stay away from him, don't drive past his house, and for heaven's sake don't go walking in to see what he's up to. It is illegal, aside from being an invasion of privacy, to do that. You gave into impulse once, don't put yourself in the position of monitoring his life. Whatever he's doing isn't your business.
He and his friend both sound like they have a few screws loose. You don't need that in your life. I hope you will check out Al-Anon. It will help you reclaim YOUR life so you can be free of letting him and his friend live rent-free in your head.
My SUGGESTION is that you stay away from him, don't drive past his house, and for heaven's sake don't go walking in to see what he's up to. It is illegal, aside from being an invasion of privacy, to do that. You gave into impulse once, don't put yourself in the position of monitoring his life. Whatever he's doing isn't your business.
He and his friend both sound like they have a few screws loose. You don't need that in your life. I hope you will check out Al-Anon. It will help you reclaim YOUR life so you can be free of letting him and his friend live rent-free in your head.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 267
Oh, ouch. I feel the pain just reading your story, and I am so sorry.
My advice is to stay away from him, and from her. You are broken up, and it does not sound like it would be healthy for you to get back with him, even if he were willing. Allow yourself to heal - driving past and confronting just reopens the wound.
Sometimes it takes a breakup for them to get better; however, she could be in for the same mess you were. It is too soon to tell. My ex husband, who was addicted to pain pills and chronically unemployed, is with someone new and he is a new man - clean, holds a job, etc. Part of me gets angry and wonders why he couldn't be that person before, but after four years I no loner care anymore. I am also a different person and I now see that we were both unhappy.
I don't think he would have gotten better with me around - old patterns of behavior die hard. I enabled him by working hard and keeping our finances together, for the most part. However, I do not blame myself. I did the best I could to keep our family afloat and I had to do it for my children. When we split up he lost his job and got evicted and this poor woman took him in - I feel sorry for her because even though he "fixed" his issues he is still the same old, weak minded person he always was.
Anyway, the point is, as painful as it is, there is something better out there for you. You can''t see it yet, but there is. In the meantime, continue working on yourself so you don't go out and find another one just like him.
Hugs...
Alex
My advice is to stay away from him, and from her. You are broken up, and it does not sound like it would be healthy for you to get back with him, even if he were willing. Allow yourself to heal - driving past and confronting just reopens the wound.
Sometimes it takes a breakup for them to get better; however, she could be in for the same mess you were. It is too soon to tell. My ex husband, who was addicted to pain pills and chronically unemployed, is with someone new and he is a new man - clean, holds a job, etc. Part of me gets angry and wonders why he couldn't be that person before, but after four years I no loner care anymore. I am also a different person and I now see that we were both unhappy.
I don't think he would have gotten better with me around - old patterns of behavior die hard. I enabled him by working hard and keeping our finances together, for the most part. However, I do not blame myself. I did the best I could to keep our family afloat and I had to do it for my children. When we split up he lost his job and got evicted and this poor woman took him in - I feel sorry for her because even though he "fixed" his issues he is still the same old, weak minded person he always was.
Anyway, the point is, as painful as it is, there is something better out there for you. You can''t see it yet, but there is. In the meantime, continue working on yourself so you don't go out and find another one just like him.
Hugs...
Alex
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 48
I completely understand how you feel (the rejected part). And it doesn't help when it happens when you are 45. Know that it is normal to feel this way. Know that we are not perfect and give into impulse (like going over to his house)....but part of finding love is sometimes it hurts...like when it doesn't work out. The only thing you can do is preserve your dignity. Accept it. Behave in a gracefully manner.
Make yourself feel better by going to the gym, sprucing yourself up and going out and socializing. Every time you think about him, remove the thought from your mind. It will make you feel better, I promise.
Make yourself feel better by going to the gym, sprucing yourself up and going out and socializing. Every time you think about him, remove the thought from your mind. It will make you feel better, I promise.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 73
I won't be making the same mistakes twice. There were many things to get cleared up and they were both there for me to confront. I have the information I was seeking. I don't think they were being totally honest with me though...so as not to hurt me...right! BTW he let me in, no laws broken. But I understand what you are saying and I will not be doing that again.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Boon44,
I am usually pretty good with words, but the only thing that comes to mind about those two.....
ICKY!
Please stay away from the chaos that comes with alcoholism and affairs.
It is like mud wrestling with a pig, you will get all dirty and they will enjoy it and win.
(I think I got that saying right?)
Beth
I am usually pretty good with words, but the only thing that comes to mind about those two.....
ICKY!
Please stay away from the chaos that comes with alcoholism and affairs.
It is like mud wrestling with a pig, you will get all dirty and they will enjoy it and win.
(I think I got that saying right?)
Beth
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Originally Posted by Boon44 
I understand I guess, just not easy to see him leaning on her for support. I feel like she's taken my place.
That is what cheaters do.
My ex could not wait to drop his girlfriend when he found out I was getting severance pay from the Army.
Pretty amazing turnaround huh?
NOT.
Still drinking, just added crack to the mix when we got back to the States.
Your boyfriends only real interest is alcohol.
It is shameful for him to blame you for his bad acts, but that is what alcoholics do.
Let her have him please. She thinks she knows what to do.
She does not.
Unless and until he stops drinking and gets into some serious recovery,
all you are missing out on is some serious heartache and drama.
You have not been replaced, she is just a relief pitcher until the next one comes along.
Please go to get some Al Anon, it is not about the alcoholic, it is all about you.
You and how to handle your own life.
What you want from a relationship and how to get it.
Work it hard. There will be great rewards.
This is the one thing about being around drunks that could be seen as good.
A steep learning curve to living your best life.
Once you find out how you got mixed up with a disrespectful, lying cheating drunk, then you will know what to look for and what to avoid.
A gift to living the way you want.
Keep coming back.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Yes Boon, rejection hurts.
I am so sorry that you are hurting.
I hope you do not spend much time reliving the conversation the 3 of you had. Not much good will come of it.
Doesn't matter if they were lying or telling the truth.
He is the past, and you don't live there any longer.
Whether you can believe it today, everything for a reason my friend. One day when you meet the "one" all this will make sense.
Go forward the best you can , just for today. With time and distance it will get easier.
Wishing you peace.
I am so sorry that you are hurting.
I hope you do not spend much time reliving the conversation the 3 of you had. Not much good will come of it.
Doesn't matter if they were lying or telling the truth.
He is the past, and you don't live there any longer.
Whether you can believe it today, everything for a reason my friend. One day when you meet the "one" all this will make sense.
Go forward the best you can , just for today. With time and distance it will get easier.
Wishing you peace.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
He told you he didnt think you were right for each other. You may not see it yet, but he gave you a gift. He let you off the crazy train. So step completely off. Don't drive by the house, monitor the cars, etc. Let him go, the new girl did not get the prize.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Chicago IL
Posts: 117
Originally Posted by SolTraveler
Anyway, the point is, as painful as it is, there is something better out there for you. You can''t see it yet, but there is. In the meantime, continue working on yourself so you don't go out and find another one just like him.
As Alex said, you want to heal yourself and find a non-addict healthy BF to share your better and improved life. He is out there, and he is not XABF.
Keep coming to SR. This group is always open, and there is always someone here to listen.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by Boon44
BTW he let me in, no laws broken. But I understand what you are saying and I will not be doing that again.
I'm not suggesting you committed a serious crime. But you should be aware that actions like that can be a basis for trespass charges, as well as a restraining order if he wanted to pursue that. Glad you don't plan to do it again--focus on keeping your own side of the street clean, let him live his life as he chooses, and you will sleep better at night.
It takes a while to recover from breakups, so be patient with your emotions in the meantime, but don't feed the negative ones.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear Boon, yes, try to get to an alanon meeting. That would be the best thing--but,if it isn't doable---get some HUMAN contact---someone that you can cry to (literally) and not feel judged. In person--with someone. On the phone, if necessary.
Honey, you are grieving--and this is what grief feels like. There is no way to avoid it--you have just got to get THROUGH it. At first, you may have to manage it an hour at a time.
If you feel impulsive about contacting him in any way---take paper and l ist all of the worst things he did to you during the relationship--so that you can read it over and over if you are missing him acutely.
This is going to get easier--I promise. But, right now--HUMAN CONTACT
Please co me here to post as often as you need.
sincerely, dandylion
Honey, you are grieving--and this is what grief feels like. There is no way to avoid it--you have just got to get THROUGH it. At first, you may have to manage it an hour at a time.
If you feel impulsive about contacting him in any way---take paper and l ist all of the worst things he did to you during the relationship--so that you can read it over and over if you are missing him acutely.
This is going to get easier--I promise. But, right now--HUMAN CONTACT
Please co me here to post as often as you need.
sincerely, dandylion
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Agreed. Be sure to get some phone numbers at the meeting tonight so you can call someone when it gets to you.
It WILL get better, but it DOES take time. Pain is normal when the hurt is fresh. Just remember that any contact with him will be like picking at a scab that is trying to form. If you stick with no contact you stand the best chance of a speedy recovery.
It WILL get better, but it DOES take time. Pain is normal when the hurt is fresh. Just remember that any contact with him will be like picking at a scab that is trying to form. If you stick with no contact you stand the best chance of a speedy recovery.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 73
Thank you... I just keep remembering all of the awful things
he said & did & the reasons I left. That hurts enough but the
I hoped by leaving he would gain some perspective & miss me.
Seems like now he has just replaced me with her, at least emotionally.
I feel replaced...
he said & did & the reasons I left. That hurts enough but the
I hoped by leaving he would gain some perspective & miss me.
Seems like now he has just replaced me with her, at least emotionally.
I feel replaced...
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