Suz4

Hi
Our 27 year old son has been on and off the wagon and back and forth with AA for about three years.
I thought this last time was the charm, however our daughter has informed me ( b/c I suspected and asked her) that has he has started drinking again though she says not like before (for now). I have not said a thing to to my husband either. Our daughter is rock solid kid who probably has the best relationship with our son so I don't want to strain that.

He is coming home for a visit in a few days. If he drinks in front of us what should we do?

If he doesn't what should we do?Should I tell my husband? Should we then tell our son we know?

Should we just do the usual how's it going? How's AA? How's your relationship with your new sponsor, he's been lying about the drinking to me for a least a month and I don't ask him every time I talk to him or anything like that.

Also because he struggles so much with this and is newly trying to recover I think we should not drink when he is at home and hide all the alcohol. Is that wrong?
We live in the country and the nearest AlAnon is an hour away so I have not been yet but I do plan on going soon but so far this is my only support. And the first time I have reached out.

Thanks in advance for any help.

LexieCat

Hi, Suz,

Welcome to SR! Your son is an adult, so it isn't up to you to police his drinking. It's best to concentrate your boundaries on what is acceptable behavior in your home. I wouldn't drink in front of him, nor would I offer him anything to drink. If he asks for a drink, I would tell him that his drinking makes you uncomfortable and you don't want him drinking there. If you simply happen to discover he's drinking in his room or something, I would let it go unless he is showing up drunk at the dinner table or something.

I would also avoid the topic of drinking and AA unless he brings it up. In that case I think it's fine to express your concern, but if you hope to have a pleasant visit I would avoid lecturing or confronting.

Some people are around AA for quite a while before they are really ready to quit. It's encouraging that he is still going--even if it is off and on.

You should probably let your husband know what's going on, and hopefully get him on the same page. Guilt trips and confrontations really don't have any good effect on an alcoholic's drinking.

Hopefully you will have a peaceful visit and there won't be any issues. Keep in mind that he may HAVE to drink--I did, before I got sober, just to keep the withdrawal symptoms at bay. If he is discreet about it and not driving drunk or being disruptive I would just ignore it.

Others here may have a different take--this is just my opinion, as someone who has been in two marriages to alcoholics and who is now almost five years sober, myself.

I hope you do give Al-Anon a try soon. It helped me a LOT.

SolTraveler

I agree with Lexie. Although I completely understand the impulse to confront him, in the end it won't change anything.

I went through something similar to your son - I was in and out of programs for eight years before it finally stuck. My parents just went with the flow - let me make my own decisions. They offered me nothing to drink and did not drink whenever I visited. I appreciated their support and their willingness to let me work through it on my own.

I am sure (although I was a binge drinker and never got so far as to get in serious trouble with it) that my drinking was intensely painful for my mother, who lost my father to alcoholism, but in the end, her strategy kept us close and enabled me to come to her when I was finally, finally ready to quit for good.

I hope it works out for him and for you. There is hope, especially if he is still going to AA.

dandylion

Dear Suz4, As someone who has had to deal with adult sons drinking in the same tyoe of situation--I concur with what Lexie said.

dandylion

dandylion

By the way Suz4, I love the saying: "Nothing ruins drinking like a head full of AA and a belly full of beer". The fact that he is still going to AA offers hope that seeds are being planted.

dandylion

Suz4

I so appreciated all the advice. It absolutely makes sense to me and clarifies everything for me.

I am at peace now about the visit.

I will tell my husband what's going on though he is more impulsive and harsher then I in his communications ("just stop drinking if it is a negative factor in your life!, kind of attitude ) with our son you all have helped to make a case that is reasonable and loving.

I love my son and want to support him so he can move on and heal as does my husband.

Thank you, thank you, I know it takes time and commitment to answer a perfect strangers concerns.

Recovering2

3 C's: You didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, can't Control it. Boundaries are for you. Decide now what is acceptable in your home, and hold those boundaries. If you don't want alcohol in your home, make sure it's out of there before your son arrives. If he drinks, let him know that it is not okay in your home. If he wants to drink he needs to make arrangements to stay with a friend. What he does within your home is your business, what he does outside of your home is his business.

The Serenity Prayer will help you through this.

kasie

I agree with everything said above - all great advice.

The only thing I would add is that this is a pretty classic example of how one of the first casualties in an alcoholic home (even though your son has moved out) is the truth. Alcoholism manifests itself through secrets - and while I get the fact that you don't want to jeopardise the relationship between your son and daughter, it appears that there's secrets between them both, along with the fact that you've been reluctant to tell your husband what's going on. This is all perfectly understandable - but in the long-term, it might be worth thinking about how communication concerns are affecting the family as a whole, especially given the fact that your son's alcoholism affects your, your husband and your daughter (hence the family disease model) - not just your son alone.

Good luck!

Suz4

Excellent additional comment and suggestion Kasie.

I don't know why I didn't want to tell my husband, it's not like he freaks out about what our children do in their adult lives and trust me they have done and are still doing some crazy things. He does disagree with the no drinking while our son is here because we are very moderate drinkers and because our son has said that he doesn't care and it is fact of life for him. I just think the home should be a safe place where that pressure is off at least for now anyways. It's to bad we can't get on the same page about this but really last time our son was home my husband had one beer in the tree days while he was here and I abstained I'm sure it wasn't a huge issue for him.

As far as our daughter and our son's relationship it was not a secret between them he has been drinking openly in front of her and his other two siblings I was just afraid that if we said anything he would think someone "tattled" on him and because our youngest lives with him and actually believes he has a problem (the other two think he is being a drama queen!) I didn't want to jeopardise the relationship.

Lots to think and pray about for the next few days.

Thanks so very much.

Hammer

Our daughter (10 y.o.) tends to be the smartest in house about this stuff, too. Thank you God, for our daughters, huh?

Only time we really we strained things was to get her into Alateen. Mrs. Hammer (our A) went berserk, but has now calmed down about that, and tries to sort of play along, but manipulate our daughter regarding Alateen. But the kid totally has Mrs. Hammer's tactics mapped and countered. Just a wickedly smart kid. Thank you, God again.

Just saying for me, (Alanon ethics say We Do Not Tell You What To Do) I would likely make the house a No Alcohol Zone, and proudly announce that We Are All In This Together -- nothing to do with your son at all -- and Have Cleaned All Alcohol out of the house. Family Disease, Family Care. Even clean out the Vanilla. No Joke. Mrs. Hammer relapsed on Cooking Vanilla. No Joke. Things went WAYYY downhill from there.


He will tell you what he wants to tell you. I do not tend to ask or pry (much, anymore. ) Her problem, her recovery.

Yeah, the lying is rough to deal with. Hurt my heart to watch Mrs. Hammer lie so much on return from rehab. Finally our (smart) daughter and I put a list together and called it 100 Lies in 100 Days. We put them all on there, and left them. Laughed about it. Good for us.

Felt a little sympathy or empathy or I do not know what when I went to an open AA meeting -- there was a guy there talking and crying that for his first 90 days, all he could do was to lie. Said he had all these good people trying to help him, and he just could not stop lying to them. Really shamed and in a lot of pain. Rough Spot on all sides of this mess.