he is finally in rehab
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 6
he is finally in rehab
My ex-boyfriend is finally in rehab, as of yesterday, after almost 6 years of codependence and escalating addiction, from weed to painkillers and benzos. I am simultaneously relieved and depressed.
A little history, if you have the time/patience:I met him my first weekend as a freshman in college. He was my first boyfriend. He initially told me he "smokes some weed." I pretty quickly realized "some" meant daily. As time went on, it started affecting our relationship. He obviously insisted it wasn't a problem, and that I needed to "chill."We were on and off all through college. I knew that he didn’t truly appreciate me and it was emotionally abusive, and yet we had moments of such profound love that I had never had before that I kept coming back. It didn’t help that I had very few friends at a school where I was miserable. I generally have trouble connecting with people, and I thought I had found someone who would be very important in my life. I'm sure I became pretty clingy, but he never really tried to shake me off, he would just sort of ignore me and belittle my needs...while he insisted that I was as important to him as he was to me. Towards the end, I would beg him to block my number, break up with me, let me go, do what I didn’t seem to have the strength to do, and he would reply "No. Never. I love you." He insisted that he loved me and wanted to marry me and that I'm the one for him.His parents are wealthy, and they shamelessly enabled him, giving him hundreds of dollars when he visited home. They would tell him to get clean, threaten him with whatever, but then they would do nothing (until now, apparently). He started abusing pills on top of the constant pot smoking, and I ended up graduating early because I knew I had to get out of there. Of course, he blamed me for leaving, because I “gave up on him.”About a year later, after meeting many people and a rebound relationship with a guy who actually loved and respected me and treated me very well but with whom I lacked the intense connection I had had with my ex, I let the ex back into my life. I insisted we were not actually back together, but for all intents and purposes, I was back in the hole with him. So, for almost a year I’ve been struggling again, trying to get him to care enough to change his actions while he abused drugs whose very purpose is to calm people who worry and care too much…the same class of drugs that I have been prescribed to treat my own anxiety that he’s made much worse over the past half decade.
His last text message to me, on his way to rehab last night, was “I love you they are taking my phone away I love you goodbye.” I just got a text from his mom, telling me that he is ok and that he asked her to text me because he doesn’t have his cell, and that he will call me as soon as he can.
I am so torn up, because I know that all the advice and stories I read on these forums are right…it’s like reading my own thoughts and feelings, and everything I’ve been through…the incredible amounts of BS and manipulations, the loss of any ounce of trust, the unbelievable selfishness, the actions that contradict the words. I told myself that I was addicted to an addict before I even read that sticky post. My family and friends are sick of hearing about him and desperately want me to get on with my life. And yet…there is something that I just can't seem to let go of, even while my brain agrees with them that I should, and I know that even though he abused and manipulated me, he does actually feel something for me (even though it may not be enough and I should still run from it).
Thoughts about what to expect in the next weeks, and once he gets out, would be very much appreciated, as well as anyone else's experiences with pill addicts.
A little history, if you have the time/patience:I met him my first weekend as a freshman in college. He was my first boyfriend. He initially told me he "smokes some weed." I pretty quickly realized "some" meant daily. As time went on, it started affecting our relationship. He obviously insisted it wasn't a problem, and that I needed to "chill."We were on and off all through college. I knew that he didn’t truly appreciate me and it was emotionally abusive, and yet we had moments of such profound love that I had never had before that I kept coming back. It didn’t help that I had very few friends at a school where I was miserable. I generally have trouble connecting with people, and I thought I had found someone who would be very important in my life. I'm sure I became pretty clingy, but he never really tried to shake me off, he would just sort of ignore me and belittle my needs...while he insisted that I was as important to him as he was to me. Towards the end, I would beg him to block my number, break up with me, let me go, do what I didn’t seem to have the strength to do, and he would reply "No. Never. I love you." He insisted that he loved me and wanted to marry me and that I'm the one for him.His parents are wealthy, and they shamelessly enabled him, giving him hundreds of dollars when he visited home. They would tell him to get clean, threaten him with whatever, but then they would do nothing (until now, apparently). He started abusing pills on top of the constant pot smoking, and I ended up graduating early because I knew I had to get out of there. Of course, he blamed me for leaving, because I “gave up on him.”About a year later, after meeting many people and a rebound relationship with a guy who actually loved and respected me and treated me very well but with whom I lacked the intense connection I had had with my ex, I let the ex back into my life. I insisted we were not actually back together, but for all intents and purposes, I was back in the hole with him. So, for almost a year I’ve been struggling again, trying to get him to care enough to change his actions while he abused drugs whose very purpose is to calm people who worry and care too much…the same class of drugs that I have been prescribed to treat my own anxiety that he’s made much worse over the past half decade.
His last text message to me, on his way to rehab last night, was “I love you they are taking my phone away I love you goodbye.” I just got a text from his mom, telling me that he is ok and that he asked her to text me because he doesn’t have his cell, and that he will call me as soon as he can.
I am so torn up, because I know that all the advice and stories I read on these forums are right…it’s like reading my own thoughts and feelings, and everything I’ve been through…the incredible amounts of BS and manipulations, the loss of any ounce of trust, the unbelievable selfishness, the actions that contradict the words. I told myself that I was addicted to an addict before I even read that sticky post. My family and friends are sick of hearing about him and desperately want me to get on with my life. And yet…there is something that I just can't seem to let go of, even while my brain agrees with them that I should, and I know that even though he abused and manipulated me, he does actually feel something for me (even though it may not be enough and I should still run from it).
Thoughts about what to expect in the next weeks, and once he gets out, would be very much appreciated, as well as anyone else's experiences with pill addicts.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
there is a reading in cynical ones blog called " what addicts say from jail" in my experience, this is also true about rehab. my ex who I am still in minimal contact with appeared to be doing well, and relapsed just after leaving early at 90 days.
If he ever goes back I will take everything he says while he is in worth a grain of salt.
its when they get out that matters in my opinion.
what are you going to do during this time for yourself? how long is rehab? 30 days? or longer? D was supposed to go for 6 months, but checked out after 3. why??? cuz he didn't want to be there anymore...
If he ever goes back I will take everything he says while he is in worth a grain of salt.
its when they get out that matters in my opinion.
what are you going to do during this time for yourself? how long is rehab? 30 days? or longer? D was supposed to go for 6 months, but checked out after 3. why??? cuz he didn't want to be there anymore...
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome to SR. Have you tried any meetings for yourself? Al-anon, Nar-anon and CoDA are three similar fellowships that have helped many of us here and you may want to give them a try.
Also, maybe don't make him your "whole life". Your family may have a point, sometimes you need to do things just for you and have your own interests and hobbies. That makes you healthier regardless of how the relationship goes.
When he gets out of program he will probably need a lot of time for his own meetings and recovery, so finding things you enjoy yourself will keep a balance and let him do what he needs to do most which is hang on to his sobriety.
There are no guarantees with rehab, they just give him the tools to deal with life on life's terms.
It's entirely up to you if you want to stay in this relationshio, but right now is a good time to give it some space and let his actions tell you what his words cannot.
Hugs
Also, maybe don't make him your "whole life". Your family may have a point, sometimes you need to do things just for you and have your own interests and hobbies. That makes you healthier regardless of how the relationship goes.
When he gets out of program he will probably need a lot of time for his own meetings and recovery, so finding things you enjoy yourself will keep a balance and let him do what he needs to do most which is hang on to his sobriety.
There are no guarantees with rehab, they just give him the tools to deal with life on life's terms.
It's entirely up to you if you want to stay in this relationshio, but right now is a good time to give it some space and let his actions tell you what his words cannot.
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 6
Thank you both. I know that my struggles with this have as much if not more to do with me than him, and what I need to do is work on myself and fill the huge hole that i let him fill for years with constructive things for ME. My own emotional issues have been an unfortunate contributor to perpetuating this relationship.It's time to stop whining and take back control and rebuild!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 6
Rereading my post, I sound so pathetic...JUST GET OUT OF THERE! WHAT DO YOU GET OUT OF THIS?! It kind of just makes me want to delete my post and crawl away.
the problem with weed and pills is they are so easy to justify...a very common, "non-addictive" herb, and medication that you can easily be prescribed by a doctor...
that's what has made it so hard to leave him for good...that i can feel him, RIGHT THERE, and yet not right there...he's not in the throes of heroin or cocaine, he hasn't stolen money or pawned belongings...he's just kind of an ass who would rather not to live in the real world. i know that he means it when he says he loves me...and yet, in that split second before he hits the joint or swallows the pill...he doesn't care? that's the part i don't get.
it also gives me very little hope for him staying sober...all of his friends smoke and they just don't understand what a trigger it is for him...and it's not a "real" drug, right? And yet, he started with the pills to treat the anxiety he felt when he smoked...and couldn't just stop smoking.
the problem with weed and pills is they are so easy to justify...a very common, "non-addictive" herb, and medication that you can easily be prescribed by a doctor...
that's what has made it so hard to leave him for good...that i can feel him, RIGHT THERE, and yet not right there...he's not in the throes of heroin or cocaine, he hasn't stolen money or pawned belongings...he's just kind of an ass who would rather not to live in the real world. i know that he means it when he says he loves me...and yet, in that split second before he hits the joint or swallows the pill...he doesn't care? that's the part i don't get.
it also gives me very little hope for him staying sober...all of his friends smoke and they just don't understand what a trigger it is for him...and it's not a "real" drug, right? And yet, he started with the pills to treat the anxiety he felt when he smoked...and couldn't just stop smoking.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Boston
Posts: 547
I went through something somewhat similar.
I took my ex back after he was arrested for larceny one night when he was high, needed money to buy more drugs.
He told me he loved me. That he would do anything for me. That he couldn't do this without me, that I was everything for him, that without me he'd have nothing etc...
I believed him, because I wanted to believe him. I even believed him all the time he said he wasn't using, that his fairly substantial paycheck wasn't disappearing because it was all going toward pill and coke and booze & whatever the hell else he was doing.
I stayed with him. I stayed with him despite him going to jail. I stayed with him despite finding out he was using. I stayed with him despite the fact that I almost lost my family & my friends.
I stayed with him and my own alcoholism/addiction was ignored & only got worse. I stayed with him and I almost lost everything.
His Mom bailed him out for the umpteenth time in his life & he got lucky by getting probation after pleading guilty, which really turned out to be pointless because 2 months later after I begged him to go to rehab after he was evicted out of his apartment and really had no place to go anyway, he was arrested after choosing to walk out of the rehab facility at 2 AM where he proceeded to get drunk & then try and mug someone for drug money.
Now he will spend the next two years in jail. At first I kept in touch with him, continued to make excuses for his behavior, continued to indulge in my own addiction & pretty much brought my own life to a halt because all my focus as on him. I said we were "just friends" and I suppose were, because we couldn't be anything more with him in jail, but it wasn't until we went no contact that I was able to actually start to get over the relationship.
If you continue to pursue this relationship you will have blinders on to all the other good, much better things in your life. As a recovering alcoholic/addict I can tell you that I would be no good for anyone right now no matter how much I wanted to be.
As the EX GF of a heroin addict I can tell you that it gets way worse, before it gets better, if it ever gets better, which for me and many others it never does. Do you wanna bring children into this world with this guy? A guy who abuses you, uses you and can't be trusted?
Of course not.
You deserve better but right now you're not allowing yourself to be with better guys like your "rebound relationship" because you have your own sickness and probably don't feel like you deserve that kind of guy, or you're addicted to the drama of being with someone who hurts you.
It's funny how that works sometimes, but I find a lot of people who fall in love with addicts end up falling in love with the drama too, with the roller coater, and they're con men, they know the right things to say they know how to make you feel important.
As an addict/alcoholic myself I realize I have done this too. I can be really manipulative. I've always been a talker, I know what to say to ease peoples fears or to convince them of something without even blinking an eye. I'm not proud of it, it's just something that developed as a result of hiding my addiction.
Recovery is in a lot of ways just as selfish as addiction is because so much of your time and focus has to be on this, you and your sobriety need to be a number 1 priority. And you have to want it.
No matter how much you want this for him, or his parents want this for him, he won't stop until he decides he's truly done.
And honestly I don't think you should wait around for that to happen. You deserve much better
I took my ex back after he was arrested for larceny one night when he was high, needed money to buy more drugs.
He told me he loved me. That he would do anything for me. That he couldn't do this without me, that I was everything for him, that without me he'd have nothing etc...
I believed him, because I wanted to believe him. I even believed him all the time he said he wasn't using, that his fairly substantial paycheck wasn't disappearing because it was all going toward pill and coke and booze & whatever the hell else he was doing.
I stayed with him. I stayed with him despite him going to jail. I stayed with him despite finding out he was using. I stayed with him despite the fact that I almost lost my family & my friends.
I stayed with him and my own alcoholism/addiction was ignored & only got worse. I stayed with him and I almost lost everything.
His Mom bailed him out for the umpteenth time in his life & he got lucky by getting probation after pleading guilty, which really turned out to be pointless because 2 months later after I begged him to go to rehab after he was evicted out of his apartment and really had no place to go anyway, he was arrested after choosing to walk out of the rehab facility at 2 AM where he proceeded to get drunk & then try and mug someone for drug money.
Now he will spend the next two years in jail. At first I kept in touch with him, continued to make excuses for his behavior, continued to indulge in my own addiction & pretty much brought my own life to a halt because all my focus as on him. I said we were "just friends" and I suppose were, because we couldn't be anything more with him in jail, but it wasn't until we went no contact that I was able to actually start to get over the relationship.
If you continue to pursue this relationship you will have blinders on to all the other good, much better things in your life. As a recovering alcoholic/addict I can tell you that I would be no good for anyone right now no matter how much I wanted to be.
As the EX GF of a heroin addict I can tell you that it gets way worse, before it gets better, if it ever gets better, which for me and many others it never does. Do you wanna bring children into this world with this guy? A guy who abuses you, uses you and can't be trusted?
Of course not.
You deserve better but right now you're not allowing yourself to be with better guys like your "rebound relationship" because you have your own sickness and probably don't feel like you deserve that kind of guy, or you're addicted to the drama of being with someone who hurts you.
It's funny how that works sometimes, but I find a lot of people who fall in love with addicts end up falling in love with the drama too, with the roller coater, and they're con men, they know the right things to say they know how to make you feel important.
As an addict/alcoholic myself I realize I have done this too. I can be really manipulative. I've always been a talker, I know what to say to ease peoples fears or to convince them of something without even blinking an eye. I'm not proud of it, it's just something that developed as a result of hiding my addiction.
Recovery is in a lot of ways just as selfish as addiction is because so much of your time and focus has to be on this, you and your sobriety need to be a number 1 priority. And you have to want it.
No matter how much you want this for him, or his parents want this for him, he won't stop until he decides he's truly done.
And honestly I don't think you should wait around for that to happen. You deserve much better
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