Nothing changes if nothing changes
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Nothing changes if nothing changes
Ah, $hit...2 months gone by and here we are again. First of all, I'd like to thank all the fine folks here whose intelligent, caring posts I have been reading for those 2 months. W/o your input, I'd be a basket case right now. Here's the scoop:
My AH has allegedly been sober since mid March. As I had mentioned in a different thread some time ago, he is not a loud or abusive or fall-down drunk who goes out to the bar; he drinks upstairs in his airplane modeling studio and usually controls it to where I can't tell for SURE. I have had my doubts about whether or not he was actually sober, just b/c it never really seemed to involve any effort on his part, and from what I had read here about early recovery, that just didn't seem "normal." Well, be that as it may, that is HIS side of the street, not for me to worry about. I figured if he was still drinking, I would eventually find out about it, and have worked on my own side of the street, which has its own heaping piles of trash that need to be cleared up (and which it seems I am clearing up w/a freaking pair of tweezers, for all the progress I feel like I'm making some days!).
There have been several times lately where I have been fairly sure he was drinking but have not said anything--what would be the point? He has lied so many times over the past years, how foolish of me to ask. Today, though, when he got home from work, I asked him if he could check on something on my car. He went out to the driveway for a few minutes, then came in and said it wasn't anything obvious and he would have to put the car in the garage and take a look tomorrow but he didn't have time to do this today. Now this was at 3 PM--we had no plans until he needed to leave for his meeting at 6:15. Really? 3 hours is not enough time? Then he rushed upstairs, put on the same CD that he always plays when he's drinking and stayed up there for over 2 hours, coming down for dinner much later than he said he would. He comes downstairs, sits at the kitchen table and gets all teary-eyed and tells me "hon, I've been drinking again." Well, news flash, call CNN! Turns out he has never put together more than 2 days of sobriety since mid March. In fact, every day he comes home from work, calls his sponsor per their agreement and then most days goes and drinks. He tells me "I just don't fit in w/those people" (this after he told me that the reason he had gone to AA years ago was that he DID "want to fit in"...) and that he just doesn't "know what is bothering him so much that he can't stop drinking."
This, my great good friends, is where YOU all come in! I was sad and angry and feeling betrayed yet again, but none of those emotions was overwhelming, as they would have been in the past, AND I was able to say to him "what is bothering you so much that you can't stop drinking is that you are an alcoholic. That is what you do. You don't want to quit right now and so you aren't. There is nothing more to say or discuss about it." I could never have said that w/o help from all of you here. I would have been drawn into a long discussion that (of course) would have gone nowhere in the end.
I could certainly have handled it better than I did, as I did end up saying how when I thought about it, the lies relating to alcohol are in EVERY aspect of our daily life and how I will not live like that forever, when clearly I AM living with it for at least a while yet. (Cooler heads have advised me to give it a year before deciding to leave if that is what I do.) But I was very grateful to be able to circumvent that whole, big, sad, overwrought, manipulative, both-of-us-end-up-crying thing.
He went off to his meeting (as far as I know; that is what he claimed) in a huff. I imagine that was b/c I didn't play my pre-arranged part. I am disappointed and fearful as hell. This sucks. But I am not a devastated ball of self-pity as I would have been a few short months ago.
Thanks to all of you here--thanks for letting me lean on you tonight and helping me believe that if I keep on moving, one step at a time, the right thing will happen.
My AH has allegedly been sober since mid March. As I had mentioned in a different thread some time ago, he is not a loud or abusive or fall-down drunk who goes out to the bar; he drinks upstairs in his airplane modeling studio and usually controls it to where I can't tell for SURE. I have had my doubts about whether or not he was actually sober, just b/c it never really seemed to involve any effort on his part, and from what I had read here about early recovery, that just didn't seem "normal." Well, be that as it may, that is HIS side of the street, not for me to worry about. I figured if he was still drinking, I would eventually find out about it, and have worked on my own side of the street, which has its own heaping piles of trash that need to be cleared up (and which it seems I am clearing up w/a freaking pair of tweezers, for all the progress I feel like I'm making some days!).
There have been several times lately where I have been fairly sure he was drinking but have not said anything--what would be the point? He has lied so many times over the past years, how foolish of me to ask. Today, though, when he got home from work, I asked him if he could check on something on my car. He went out to the driveway for a few minutes, then came in and said it wasn't anything obvious and he would have to put the car in the garage and take a look tomorrow but he didn't have time to do this today. Now this was at 3 PM--we had no plans until he needed to leave for his meeting at 6:15. Really? 3 hours is not enough time? Then he rushed upstairs, put on the same CD that he always plays when he's drinking and stayed up there for over 2 hours, coming down for dinner much later than he said he would. He comes downstairs, sits at the kitchen table and gets all teary-eyed and tells me "hon, I've been drinking again." Well, news flash, call CNN! Turns out he has never put together more than 2 days of sobriety since mid March. In fact, every day he comes home from work, calls his sponsor per their agreement and then most days goes and drinks. He tells me "I just don't fit in w/those people" (this after he told me that the reason he had gone to AA years ago was that he DID "want to fit in"...) and that he just doesn't "know what is bothering him so much that he can't stop drinking."
This, my great good friends, is where YOU all come in! I was sad and angry and feeling betrayed yet again, but none of those emotions was overwhelming, as they would have been in the past, AND I was able to say to him "what is bothering you so much that you can't stop drinking is that you are an alcoholic. That is what you do. You don't want to quit right now and so you aren't. There is nothing more to say or discuss about it." I could never have said that w/o help from all of you here. I would have been drawn into a long discussion that (of course) would have gone nowhere in the end.
I could certainly have handled it better than I did, as I did end up saying how when I thought about it, the lies relating to alcohol are in EVERY aspect of our daily life and how I will not live like that forever, when clearly I AM living with it for at least a while yet. (Cooler heads have advised me to give it a year before deciding to leave if that is what I do.) But I was very grateful to be able to circumvent that whole, big, sad, overwrought, manipulative, both-of-us-end-up-crying thing.
He went off to his meeting (as far as I know; that is what he claimed) in a huff. I imagine that was b/c I didn't play my pre-arranged part. I am disappointed and fearful as hell. This sucks. But I am not a devastated ball of self-pity as I would have been a few short months ago.
Thanks to all of you here--thanks for letting me lean on you tonight and helping me believe that if I keep on moving, one step at a time, the right thing will happen.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Good job, there! Very proud of you!
I think you handled it perfectly. I know you're disappointed, but you already suspected he was drinking.
You know, someone at my meeting the other night said what I have heard many times--AA is a real buzzkill. IOW, the meetings (assuming he's been going) probably HAVE done him some good. Nothing like a head full of AA and a belly full of beer to bring home how unmanageable life is getting to be. Hopefully he will talk to his sponsor about his feelings of not fitting in. They are real feelings--not just an excuse. He's still comparing himself to others AND he is still drinking--that's why he isn't fitting in.
Maybe he'll get it, but it may not be for a while. Meantime I hope he continues to go. I know people who went to AA and drank for months and months (and in some cases for a few years) before they finally threw in the towel.
I think you handled it perfectly. I know you're disappointed, but you already suspected he was drinking.
You know, someone at my meeting the other night said what I have heard many times--AA is a real buzzkill. IOW, the meetings (assuming he's been going) probably HAVE done him some good. Nothing like a head full of AA and a belly full of beer to bring home how unmanageable life is getting to be. Hopefully he will talk to his sponsor about his feelings of not fitting in. They are real feelings--not just an excuse. He's still comparing himself to others AND he is still drinking--that's why he isn't fitting in.
Maybe he'll get it, but it may not be for a while. Meantime I hope he continues to go. I know people who went to AA and drank for months and months (and in some cases for a few years) before they finally threw in the towel.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Marie, thanks for the thoughts and the hugs--I appreciate both!
Lexie, as per usual, you have cut right to the heart of the matter w/what you said about not fitting in and WHY...! Thanks for sharing about some folks drinking and going to meetings for months before finally actually getting sober. I guess the requirements for AA do only say "a DESIRE to stop drinking", right?
Soltraveler, it is tough to imagine myself as an inspiration to anyone, but if I have helped you in any way, that makes me believe there is some kind of purpose in all this.
I just walked my 2 "mobile" dogs and took the ancient basset out for a last evening wander in the yard. I feel oddly peaceful at moments, and oddly grateful to be where I am. Once again, I am so thankful for all of you here. I have struggled w/the concept of a higher power but right now, I believe I understand those who say it is simply the power of the group.
Lexie, as per usual, you have cut right to the heart of the matter w/what you said about not fitting in and WHY...! Thanks for sharing about some folks drinking and going to meetings for months before finally actually getting sober. I guess the requirements for AA do only say "a DESIRE to stop drinking", right?
Soltraveler, it is tough to imagine myself as an inspiration to anyone, but if I have helped you in any way, that makes me believe there is some kind of purpose in all this.
I just walked my 2 "mobile" dogs and took the ancient basset out for a last evening wander in the yard. I feel oddly peaceful at moments, and oddly grateful to be where I am. Once again, I am so thankful for all of you here. I have struggled w/the concept of a higher power but right now, I believe I understand those who say it is simply the power of the group.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 453
Thank you Honeypig! I'm with SolTraveler...inspirational for me tonight, too. There are so many tools to learn and put into practice and its so good to know they really help bring peace & calm to our lives.
Lexie - thank you for the comments on AA. Just posted about my week, and AH shared his concerns about AA with my counselor and its so helpful to hear about others' experiences.
Lexie - thank you for the comments on AA. Just posted about my week, and AH shared his concerns about AA with my counselor and its so helpful to hear about others' experiences.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
honey, just an observation -- You may know, be studying and tracking WAAAAYYYY TMI (too much information) on his drinking, etc.
Not dogging
you on that, like I say, just an observation, and it applies (massively) to me, too.
You/we/I are not going to find our bliss or serenity in studying their mess.
Not dogging
you on that, like I say, just an observation, and it applies (massively) to me, too. You/we/I are not going to find our bliss or serenity in studying their mess.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 47
"You/we/I are not going to find our bliss or serenity in studying their mess."
This is very true! But I understand the urge to do it. I am a "fact-collector" in any situation so it is very hard for me to refrain from doing it in a situation that is so close and important to me. Working on it though.
This is very true! But I understand the urge to do it. I am a "fact-collector" in any situation so it is very hard for me to refrain from doing it in a situation that is so close and important to me. Working on it though.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Oh girl, you made my laugh today. I, too, feel like I'm picking up my **** on my side of the street with tweezers, LOL! One tiny little piece at a time. Unfortunately, more crap blows in from time to time and I turn around and there's more crap piled up! UGH!
I think you did well. It's very hard for an alcoholic to understand things when we change how we react. When we detach or don't engage in arguing, etc they start scratching their heads. My AH has withdrawn quite a bit when I tell him no or when I don't argue anymore, he just doesn't understand how to act and he doesn't go to AA either, by the way. He's not like those people since he's a binge drinker and he can control his drinking for months at a time.
Hang in there! Sounds like you're truly on your own path to recovery!
I think you did well. It's very hard for an alcoholic to understand things when we change how we react. When we detach or don't engage in arguing, etc they start scratching their heads. My AH has withdrawn quite a bit when I tell him no or when I don't argue anymore, he just doesn't understand how to act and he doesn't go to AA either, by the way. He's not like those people since he's a binge drinker and he can control his drinking for months at a time.
Hang in there! Sounds like you're truly on your own path to recovery!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
lizatola, we need to find a better tool than a tweezers to clean up our side of the street! I'm thinking a front-end loader or a backhoe might be more appropriate--maybe we can get a deal if we both book the rental....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Hammer, thanks for your input. I guess I'm not so much trying to get info in order to control his actions/drinking/etc. as just trying to keep a handle on what is reality. As I mentioned, a lot of times I don't even know for sure that he IS drunk; what typically happens is there will be one "clearly drunk" episode and he will either go teary and sad and confess to drinking virtually every day or he will get angry and defiantly say that he has been drinking nearly every day. It's more a matter of a reality check for me.
I'm fairly busy and I have this tendency to think "OK, things seem to be going fairly well" unless I do have some hard cold facts to remind me that NO, in fact, they really are NOT, and he is in fact continuing to drink, to lie about it and to manipulate our finances so that I can't tell how much he is spending. (Also asked him if he was back to smoking cigarettes again after his big "quit" scene about 2 months ago, and yes, he is, and no, he wasn't going to mention it, didn't think "the time was right.")
That got longer than I intended it to, but I guess I wanted to explain that, to me at least, I'm not trying to track or monitor in order to control but only to keep a handle on what is actually and really happening so I can make appropriate decisions as time goes by. I have heard "go by his actions, not his words" many times, and since I have a very closeted drinker, those actions are way harder to see than for someone on their 4th DUI who pees on the couch and vomits in the yard.
I'm fairly busy and I have this tendency to think "OK, things seem to be going fairly well" unless I do have some hard cold facts to remind me that NO, in fact, they really are NOT, and he is in fact continuing to drink, to lie about it and to manipulate our finances so that I can't tell how much he is spending. (Also asked him if he was back to smoking cigarettes again after his big "quit" scene about 2 months ago, and yes, he is, and no, he wasn't going to mention it, didn't think "the time was right.")
That got longer than I intended it to, but I guess I wanted to explain that, to me at least, I'm not trying to track or monitor in order to control but only to keep a handle on what is actually and really happening so I can make appropriate decisions as time goes by. I have heard "go by his actions, not his words" many times, and since I have a very closeted drinker, those actions are way harder to see than for someone on their 4th DUI who pees on the couch and vomits in the yard.
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