a "hostages" question

Old 05-17-2013, 03:03 PM
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a "hostages" question

I've seen this phrase several times they "like to take hostages down with them." Could you all give me some examples or stories of what this means? Maybe there is somewhere I can read further on it if not. Guess I'm the type where examples give me insight.
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Old 05-17-2013, 03:33 PM
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In my case i was holding myself hostage.

His unacceptable actions/ behavior in public got to be so bad, I refused to go out in public with him, as I was just embarrassed to be seen with him. Invites to social functions were not filling the mailbox, after all who wants an ass hat to ruin their party?

Next, I stopped having people over, because I did not want them to see him drunk and acting the fool. Or start an argument with one of my guests.

My relationships with my friends also suffered, as i was consumed with his BS, I didn't even know how to be a friend. When I would get together with them I felt like a foreigner in a strange land, they are all happy, and chatting away and I am just thinking exactly how drunk is he going to be when I arrive home, I could not relax, I was always on edge, waiting for the next wave of chaos and turmoil.

So I lived behind closed doors, in shame and disbelief.

I felt so isolated, and each and every day he would act like the previous night's shenanigan's NEVER happened. Well they didn't for him, as he blacked out.

My saving grace in all of this, is we always maintained separate homes, so when I finally had enough, it was easier for me than for some, who have to scramble to find new homes.

It took me a good year to let go of the shame, I really had to take some time and try to understand what I had allowed to happen.

I am sure others have different perspectives to offer.
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Old 05-17-2013, 03:44 PM
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I hear that expression a lot in AA meetings: someone (usually a male, but occasionally even a female) member will say, "Back when I took my first hostage," referring to an ex-spouse. People may laugh, but it is the same kind of laughter that accompanies all kinds of horrible admissions--it isn't that it's funny, we laugh because we were such idiots and we don't have to live that way anymore.

Basically, the expression just means that alcoholics tend to bring their loved ones right down into the mess with them. It isn't (usually) that they set out to do it, it's just the way things tend to work. And yes, absent some kind of actual abuse, the "hostages" are often complicit in it because THEY don't know how to detach. Everybody in the family gets sick, all around the alcoholic in the middle of it.

So even though nobody PLANS for it to be that way, and nobody WANTS it to be that way, families tend to wind up feeling trapped and miserable, not unlike a hostage situation.
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Old 05-18-2013, 05:15 AM
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For me, it meant sacrificing myself to help save my EXAG. I would get involved with her battles, and try to pick up her pieces of the destruction left by her drinking and chaos. I was manipulated into feeling responsible for her behavior. Even when I traveled out of town for work, my mind was not there, as it was always wondering what chaos she was causing when I was away. I wanted to be done with it, but thought she needed me to get healthy. She knew I was codependent, and skillfully played every piece of it.

I was a hostage.
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Old 05-18-2013, 06:36 AM
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More literal around our house.

When Mrs. Hammer is really whacking out, she puts plans together to run off with the kids.

She has even pulled it on her mom (grandma to the kids as it were).

The kids even have a phrase for it --

"Don't let momma "take us to the woods.' "
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Old 05-18-2013, 07:42 AM
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It happens in this tiny, incremental ways.

Last night I had a perfectly pleasant exchange with Mr. Arch. We were sitting in our fenced-in yard, watching the boys play in the sandbox. A section of the fence is badly damaged, and soon, we will not be able to let the children play in our city yard, because they could get out. The grass is also knee high and the whole yard is unkempt because I can't possibly add one more chore to working full-time, parenting all alone on evenings and weekends, cooking, cleaning, laundry, errands etc.

At any rate, we were actually engaged in a friendly, joking conversation about the state of the fence. And then he asked me what was wrong as I was looking at it. This sort of inquiry, showing some sign that he is paying attention to my emotional state, is so rare; it is like rain in the desert. And I said that it would be great if the stay-at-home dad would work on projects like the fence with the the youngest boy during the day, because then everything wouldn't be broken (I did not say this, but like the toilet seat, 5 of the doors, the tank behind the other toilet, the pipes under the sink - none of which I am allowed to call a repair person about) and because the boy would enjoy doing projects with his dad.

The response - "You are so bad at motivating people."

The newly evolved, healthier version of me, just stayed quiet and let it go (my plan for getting him out of the house is moving along swiftly in the background, he finds out tomorrow). But he said it because the old version of me, pre-codependent recovery measures, would have doubled down. I would have tried even harder to be more kind. I would have thought in great detail about just how to talk to him, imagining that if I said just the right thing, he would begin to act responsibly towards me. I would have tackled other jobs with more vigor - see how I cook such great meals, keep the kitchen so clean, work so many hours - how can you fail but to live up to my brillant example. With one little phrase, he would avoid making any contribution, but ensure that I would keep working like a dog to make his life more comfortable.

Oh, I have been a hostage for many, many years. But, hallelujah, I have finally figured out who is really holding me here.
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Old 05-18-2013, 08:19 AM
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Originally Posted by Archangelesk View Post
But, hallelujah, I have finally figured out who is really holding me here.
A+ Good for you.


Seems the Eagles mused some time back . . .


So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains And we never even know we have the key
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Old 05-18-2013, 08:23 AM
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so helpful to read these. thank you all. keep em coming. sure does help the healing and repair process of "me" !
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Old 05-18-2013, 08:21 PM
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I was a hostage to myself. I so obsessed about what my AH was up to that I missed many, many life memories and many in the moment memories. I can remember having the chance to meet some famous people at a party with my husband, and being so obsessed with what AH might be doing at that party, that I spent the whole night looking for him. Guess who had a great time at that party, and got to meet all the famous people?
I use that memory to remind myself of what I can miss when I take myself hostage.
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