Johninthesticks

So I'm a drunk. Used to be a friendly drunk, until last night. I scared my wife and kids, they left but are back today. I think about stopping all the time but can't seem to do it. There's always a good excuse, you know how it goes. I REALLY want to quit. I come from an alcoholic family with a father and sister in recovery. I'm ****ing spent. If you haven't noticed its all about me, myself and I. Just looking for support. Thinking about drinking, oh and quitting too.

2granddaughters

What are your sister and father doing for a program of recovery?

I've been sober over 23 yrs in AA. Would likely work just as well for you.

All the best.

Bob R

hamptons

I am you mate.. I stopped drinking 8 days ago but my ex wife and 3 kids are not with me and I haven't seen my kids since 2005 nor spoken to them since 2010 (Apr), so enjoy your kids.. you are lucky... you have the chance I so badly fouled up that I regret each day

GL

Johninthesticks

I have to quit. The meetings are quite a drive for me but I think its the only option. My job allows for me to drink on the clock, the boss buys the booze. I'm stuck in a vicious cycle. Sorry for the drunkology.

Michael66

Hi John

Do you like to talk through stuff with others? If so why not look for a local support group, maybe AA? If you are more introverted then maybe start by reading a recovery book or listening to some AA talks (e.g. XA-Speakers - The lights are on!). Either way you probably need to occupy yourself with something that is pulling you towards the sober life. One key thing to remember is that it doesn't stay like it is the first few days and weeks. Sobriety gets easier and, for me, then got really enjoyable.

God bless +

Johninthesticks

Thank you Michael. I'm planning on a meeting tonight. First few days are always easy then I start feeling good and thinking I might have a drink. repeat ad nauseum. I have been to meetings before, never more than one before I drink again. I've been drinking and drugging for 20+ years. Who the hell am I? I at least know who I don't want to be anymore.

Johninthesticks

2grandaughters, they are both in AA. I've been too chicken to get there. Seeing myself in all those other drunks is almost unbearable, of course I'm not that bad right? WRONG.

Dee74

Welcome to SR John

D

Hevyn

Welcome John! It's great to have you here.

You can turn this whole thing around and have a wonderful new life. I drank for 30 years & I'm finally free of it. I never thought I'd enjoy myself again - I'd become so dependent on it for everything. To have fun, to cope with problems, to relax - but all it did in the end was make me miserable. There's nothing in it for us anymore - you can do this, John.

ElegantlyWasted

I hear 'ya John. I'm convinced some of us are genetically hardwired for bad stuff happening when we drink. I've had some scary incidents too. There is a lot of support here. Are you trying to come up with some kind of plan?

Johninthesticks

Right now I'm just going moment by moment. Coming out of the withdrawal and feeling rough. Getting ready for the good old apologies for my idiocy last night. Pretty sure that everyone is fed up with my behavior. As far as a plan I'm looking up meetings in my area. I'm thinking more than one a week will be necessary. Funny thing is I grew up going to AA meetings with my dad and have even been to his home meeting a time or two as an adult. I've been on here all day just reading and it is helping tremendously. Thank you to all of you for your help! I know it will get better, but thats when I get into trouble. Its easy to quit right now when my hands are shaking and guts are raw. But I know the beast is hungry waiting...

Living

Please consider going to a doctor and ask for a short term medication to help you through the withdrawls. It will ease the anxiety and lack of sleep.

Grungehead

You are us that's who. I could relate to a lot of what you said. I too used to work someplace that allowed drinking on the clock the last few hours of the day and supplied the alcohol. The only rule was to be discrete. I left that job before I stopped drinking but looking back I think it would have been hard to quit drinking without finding a different job. I mean think about it...free booze and getting paid to drink it haha. Not a good situation for an alcoholic like me. I don't know your situation so I'm not saying you have to quit your job to get sober, but you do have to quit drinking to get sober. My old sponsor in AA used to remind me every time we talked that if you don't drink you won't get drunk. It's a very simple solution to a complicated problem.

hamptons

John

I just CANNOT do AA, went to a few meetings for AA and SA in NYC and the Hamptons and immediately drank to excess afterwards.... it really TRIGGERED ME but for 90% of drunks I suspect it would be excellent

I go to a psychologist who specialises in this (which is a huge deal for an Australian) and she helped but I found many of the people at AA had new addictions (one of which was AA or the other people at AA) or many would go to AA and then I would see them the same day entering pubs or liquor stores etc

EverySngleNight

Just to give my perspective, take it or leave it: My father and step-father were both drunks. I'm now in my 30's. My step-father is dead. He died when I was 18. (organ failure- prolonged alcohol use). My biological father has 5 blockages in his heart which he can't have repaired- because of what alcohol has done to his body (though, he's been sober for the last few years). Anyway, he's not yet 60 and I'm going to lose him.

They would get drunk and scare us when I was a child. My step-father hurt us. Rages, or stumbling around incoherent- mommy is crying etc. etc. Point is- It damaged me as a human-being. Sincerely, it damaged me.

I wanted to share this perspective with you - not to make you feel bad - but to emphasize that you still have a chance! You can be the father that you want to be. I wish, when I was a child, that I had the ability to say these things to my parents. But I couldn't. So I'm saying it now. TY for reading. X

Johninthesticks

I mirror your situation very well. My father has a defibrillator in his chest and has had numerous heart attacks. He still smokes and I think he may take some pain pills "for pain". As far as the drinking goes he has been sober for a year or two now. I too have been hurt by his drinking and drugging as a child. I have many memories of being scared of him or afraid he would hurt himself. As I got older and I could drink with him (15 or 16) it seemed like we were really bonding, but we were just drinking, then came the pills. I think many nights I should not have woken up in the morning. Yet here I am! I really resent the fact he let me drink, but I'm a big boy now and theres only one person responsible for my actions.

EverySngleNight

Oh yeah! I can relate too!! I wonder how I may have turned out without my biological father (beer guy) letting me drink till the point of blacking out and vomiting at 14 on up. Yep! 14.. Ugh. I thought my dad was "cool". Nope! NOT COOL! And my step-father wouldn't allow us to have soda and he'd make me mark the soda bottle after I fixed his drink. So at 8 years old, I'm standing on the chair to reach the Jack. Which I was told was "grown-up juice". Instead of sneaking the soda, I would take a big swig of what I just mixed for him. I just wanted the forbidden soda. 8 years old... Terrible. Anyway, we can't turn back time- but we can fix today. My thoughts are with you. Stay strong! X

Shame

Agggggg, I can relate to that!! Already forgetting how bad I felt when I first posted here 1.5 days ago - but been reading the posts and really getting some perspective for the first time. I also went to AA long ago, most of the time I would get pissed to pluck up the courage to go - pathetic. Anyway, hope you doing ok, you were my first respondent coming from exactly where I was - I will definately keep rooting for you (and me) LETS DO THIS THANG!!

Johninthesticks

I know right? Its amazing how quickly we forget. Thanks for the positive encouragement! The posts on here are great! I live in the country so its hard for me to get to meetings, and coming here I can find people who are having the same struggle and it helps tremendously. Keep on keepin' on!

Johninthesticks

Ok so day five is here. Feeling better (uh-oh) so I have to be diligent and stay on my toes. On the positive my boss was not mad but actually somewhat apologetic about letting us get loaded up on site. For now he says he will not contribute to the rampant alcoholism in the oil field. I told him I am not drinking, didn't seem to believe me, but why would he when I frequently miss work because of my binging? Yesterday my withdrawal was intense at times, but I have been numbing my mind and body so long I like to think its just everything coming back online, like coming out of a coma. My addict brain is fighting back with a lot of rationalization, but we all know where that gets you! Just checking in and hope all of you are doing well.