gwenny

Ugggh. Slipped last night and had a few pints at the pub with some friends, and then came home to an empty house and opened a bottle of really disgusting chardonnay because that was all that was around. Just kept going on that until I passed out, and feel predictably awful today. Social drinking has officially become impossible. I know this, and yet I keep talking myself into it, for the stupidest reasons.

I really don't know what to do. I am staying back home for a while in my hometown and it's so small and I know everyone, and there's only one weekly AA meeting where I don't feel very comfortable at all. I am just wrecked and feel so defeated. Pouring the chardonnay down the sink this morning the smell almost knocked me over--I can't believe what I am doing to my body, what I have been doing to it for so many years. I feel like I can't put more than a week or two together--I have "quit" a few times before and at least got a couple months in, but what's happening now is really scary. Even just as recently as January, I quit for almost three months.

I don't have any real relationships left. I've picked fights with all my close friends to drive them away, I think. I've been more or less single since my last real boyfriend called off our engagement and dumped me--three freakin' years ago. I look like hell, I am accomplishing nothing in my life, and when I think about all of the sheer potential I have squandered in the past several years the guilt and shame of it just send me further into the bog.

I'm just so disgusted with myself and ashamed of all this. I don't know how to fix it.

endlesspatience

Well, we've all been where you are now - some of us many times. Not surprised you feel hungover and unhappy today. You may not feel a whole lot happier tomorrow, but at least you don't need to be hungover again!

So, you managed three whole months as recently as January? GREAT! That's a real achievement. Can you look back to any journals or internet posts you made around that time? What were things that you were doing then that kept you sober? And how did it feel to achieve that sobriety? (Pretty great I should imagine).

I think you're doing OK. You know you've got a problem and you're reaching out for help here on the boards. You've already found a system to keep you sober for months at a time and that's still there if you can return to do what you were doing. Maybe there's some extra stuff you need to do as well this time.

You also know where your local AA is which is great. Sorry you feel uncomfortable there. But don't you feel uncomfortable now as a result of the shame and the hangover? Is there anybody from that group you can call to chat things over with?

I really hope you feel better soon. Do join the sober weekend thread I started recently if you want some support to get you through the next few days.

Best wishes...

Nonsensical

Relapse is part of addiction - and addiction is a big ol' pain in the youknowwhat.

Shame and disgust? Been there, done that. Named myself 'nonsensical' because what I was doing made no sense. I kept listening to that little voice in my head that told me I could do it just one more time. Just a few drinks today. I can quit on Monday. Just be more careful next time, it'll be fine.

All lies.

The less I listen to those lies, the less shame and disgust I feel.

If you ever find friends, boyfriends, or accomplishments in that bottle you'll be the first.

We know what to do. Let's do it.

Abetterway

Hi Gwenny,
May I ask why you went to the bar in the first place?

gwenny

Thanks, Non. Yep, that's pretty much what the voice told me yesterday.

Betterway, in a town of a few hundred people, social activities are somewhat limited: you either go to the bar or you go to someone's house (where everyone will be drinking and smoking and god knows what else). They were high school friends, they go there most nights, and last night I was sick of just hanging out with my parents and hating myself for not making progress on a very overdue book project, so I got a pretty serious case of the f**k-its and headed out pretty much knowing I was going to drink, but figured "just a pint or two." Which was, in fact, all I had, but the beast was unleashed and my brain and body were in the cage instead, and that's when $6 chardonnay seemed like just the ticket.

least

Relapse is not part of recovery, it's part of addiction. When you no longer relapse you'll be on the road to recovery. Come on and join us.

ScottFromWI

This is why 100% committment to sobriety is the only way to make it work. Sorry to hear that you relapsed, but do you have a plan to keep it from happening again? I used to live in a very small town myself so I understand the mentality, but there are other people and other things to do than drink at bars or other people's houses. You just have to seek them out.

tomsteve

"I don't know how to fix it."
admitting that is huge!
now ya gota ask yerself if ya want it fixed. then yer gonna have to make a decision iffen yer willing to accept help with the repairs.
yer not a bad person, yer sick, but the is a solution!

Abetterway

Gwenny,
I think everyone here understands. For decades I accepted that the price for my nightly oblivion was a dailey hangover. I sacrificed many beautiful days. It wasn't till I lost an important relationship that I realised the true cost. I didn't want any more loss or to continue to feel bad about myself. I guess it was pride that got me to stop. I hope that you can find a way too. 17 months since my last drink and i feel like a winner and that feels great.

soberlicious

Well, there are many different methods that one can use to stop drinking alcohol, but they all begin the same way...you must stop drinking alcohol. That is the only way you can hope to fix anything.

awuh1

soberlicious is correct.. Not drinking begins with not drinking. It's what happens down the road that often makes that difficult. Whatever you do, do it differently this time. At least have a plan for the onset of the next case of the f*ck-its.

If all else fails (and sometimes that's what it takes), you will be welcome at that aa meeting.

soberlicious

Yes, a plan is good.