How to be an Alcoholic.
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Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 58
How to be an Alcoholic.
Hi Everyone!
I'm new here though I have been lurking through this site for months. I have, like all of you, an addictive personality. Alcohol, however, has been the really rough one. Alcohol is what very well could have killed me. In the past year I have cut back drastically. Going from getting hammered alone the majority of nights to getting slightly drunk 1-3 nights a week. The last time I drank was Sunday night. Had a stomach bug the past couple of days and that has made me not want to consume anything, let alone beer - which is my drink of choice. But here's the thing - Sure, I've cut back but that urge for one more and one more is still there most of the time (sometimes it seems more like a compulsion, like, I don't even want another but there's a little voice that says, "No. You really must have another.").
It certainly wasn't my bottom, but my current boyfriend and I went on a one-night stay at the beach recently and were picking up some adult beverages for the night. When we decided to get a mixed 6-pack as opposed to a 6-pack of a single type of beer, I realized that I could pick them by alcohol percentage and got pretty excited about it. He said, "Wow... you got more excited about that than your Valentine's Day gift."
And that's one of the more profound times (there have been many) where I realized, "Geez. I really am an alcoholic."
I WAS BRED FOR THIS.
My mother is an addict (alcoholic/methadone), my father had addictions in the past (alcohol) and - I'm fairly sure - is an addict now. They both suffer from pretty intense anxiety and depression and panic and I have these issues as well.
As if that's not enough... I was raised by my paternal grandparents and loved/love them so very intensely. But here's the thing - My grandmother might as well be Carrie A. Nation. She hates alcohol and thinks it should be illegal and my grandfather was an ABC officer for the better part of my growing up.
Hahahaha! So I'm this kid with HORRIBLE childhood anxiety (I mean upset stomach, vomiting, insomnia... childhood was not fun. My grandparents literally could not leave my sight without me having a panic attack... at 4 (some weird stuff that is very interesting and that I don't know all the details of happened to me as a very young child)) and intensely addictive genes with "parents" who truly hated alcohol - therefore making it that much more alluring. Perfect set-up.
Looking back, I think it was more than obvious that I had red flags sticking out of every square inch of me. It was around third grade that my anxiety (particularly social) and some depression really came into play. I ballooned. my grandparents had to start hiding their sweets from me. My grandfather could be kind of mean about it and once he said, "Everytime I see you, you got somethin' in your mouth" in quite the exasperated, slightly angered tone.
I collected things. I hoarded pens & stationary, tampons, candy (when I had lost 100 lbs in high school) and became obsessive about things like, oh, weight-loss for instance. A 2 pound gain would send me into a spiral of sheer self-loathing and near starvation. Sometimes I took sleep-aids so I could sleep through the hunger. I would only weigh myself in the morning, after pooping but before showering. I took to obsessively couponing and cooking tons of stuff and watching others eat it. I think I watched almost only the food network for two years.
But, oh man, alcohol... you dirty dirty lady. I absolutely never had a healthy relationship with alcohol. The first time I ever had enough of it to feel tipsy (from my mom - also the first person to ever give me sleep-aid) it was just wonderful. I mean, really great. I was relaxed for the first time that I could remember. I wasn't stressing over some implausible thing in my head as if it were a broken record. I didn't feel awkward. It was liquid comfort. Alcohol was the feeling of laying my head on my mom's breasts as I fell asleep at Christmas - one of sparse occasions I got to be with her.
In an unhappy relationship in my late teens with a guy a little older than me, he began to buy alcohol for me - probably because I actually wanted to have sex with him when I was drunk. This was when I was psychotic about my weight. So I'd get him to buy me 180 proof Everclear (most alcohol bang for the caloric buck) and take shots of half Everclear and half light Minute Maid lemonade. As you'd expect, it was fully disgusting but got the job done. And I tended to drink more of it when he went to sleep. This was never a social thing for me. It could be - but primarily alcohol has always been a type of medicine to me.
So, I graduated college (in 3 years w/ a 4.0 GPA and honors (I may be an addict but I'm in no way stupid)) with a degree in - GET THIS - Community Health Education. Hahahahaha! I even had an internship with the American Heart Association. But I went a little crazy. I broke up with my boyfriend from the last paragraph and had no idea what to do next in my life. At the time I was exploring polyamory and alternative lifestyles and I was obsessed with piercings and tattoos. my options I gave myself were to go to graduate school (which I not only got accepted into late but they were willing to open "full" classes for me), find a piercing apprenticeship, or join a commune. Sounds crazy, but that's where I was at.
So... I ended up piercing - which I still do. I moved to that area and I remember that I was under so much stress that I decided to not drink for awhile (apparently already noticing a problem with it) but I eventually did. And the tattoo/piercing culture is more than ok with substance abuse. It's seen as almost normal. Everyone I've worked with in a shop either has or has had some addiction issue.
And I partied like I never had time to do in college. I started smoking weed (which - I still do... hey, one thing at a time, ok... don't give me too much grief over it) and I was doing both of those things almost every night with my girlfriend and her friends (I'm legitimately bisexual - I assume that if I can't make up my mind at almost 30 it's a sure thing, lol).
We moved in together, and of course went broke, and then we started to shift apart and I would sneak a beer here and there in the morning and put the bottle in the sink under the cabinet in the bathroom... all the way at the back.
When we finally split, I moved into an adorable little studio apartment. My mom helped me move in and I was so so depressed, so of course I wanted to drink and of course, she kept giving them to me (more on that in a bit) and I got so wasted that I passed out and as my mom walked past me she said I was making a gurgling noise and she told me to turn over and I vomited all over her. I did not remember this and actually did not believe my mom when she told me.
When I moved into that place I had no internet or cable and I would write in my journal, lay in front of the open front door, stare at the goings on of a litter of feral kittens that I had started to feed, and drink.
My life became consumed in drama. I was very into polyamory and there was so much mental instability between all of us that it was a just a s***storm. I was drinking pretty regularly but I don't remember this time period being too bad.
I met my next boyfriend and he was quite the partier. We would go to the bar and get drunk and chain-smoke and go home and have drunk sex. That's what we did. Night's that we weren't together I was lonely and I often drank. I think that I failed to realize that he wasn't drinking when we weren't together. I think he noticed but he never said anything about it.
I was so so so madly in love with him. I'm not sure why but he was my world. He made my heart feel like I was looking at a puppy. Then I had a job change and he lost feelings and he broke up with me out of nowhere. I was CRUSHED. I mean, just, decimated.
I was at about 200 pounds from my 140 lbs. I was at when I first moved there after college 4 years prior (I'm 5'6"). It was around this time I was diagnosed with high blood pressure. At 25... and they said it had been high over the past year or so but they thought it was caffeine or something since I was so young (my mom had it young as well - and pre-eclampsia in labor with me when she was 20). My urine had lots of protein and blood in it and I was a hot mess.
I decided, in light of the break-up, to move back home with my grandparents while I worked my new job since it was closer than where I was and I could save some money. I also decided to go on Zoloft.
THESE TWO DECISIONS WERE THE WORST EVER. IT'S ABOUT TO GET CRAZY.
I thought living at home would help me not drink but in reality it was the opposite. I'm not sure what happened with the Zoloft but not only could I not get enough alcohol but I was hemorrhaging money. I felt insane. I'd sneak into my grandparents' stash and get drunk in my room.
At some point I freaked out and told my grandmother what was going on and of course they already suspected it. I went to a few AA meetings but as alcoholics do, I relapsed. Very quickly. I just convinced myself, somehow, that I was fine.
But I needed to hide it. I had always hidden it but it was much more intense at this point. I snuck cheap and potent malt liquors home in my purse. If I really wanted more after I was done with those... well, I resorted to cooking sherry on one occasion and vanilla extract on another occasion.
I was caught once and I just remember crying and blubbering and my grandmother being the sweet woman she was was trying to talk to me about it. That may have been my actual bottom. It hurts me so much to see her hurt.
It was during this time that I stayed with my mom a lot because she let me drink and brought me greasy breakfasts for my hangover. She was desperate to have a relationship with me due to her guilt and I knowingly took advantage of that. I became obsessed with Justin Bieber and I was about 26. I was staying at my mom's in "my room" and I actually had a poster or two up. I was obsessed with Harry Potter. I was quite literally having a second childhood. A drunken one.
During this time I went to see my friend who lived on the Outer Banks. I drove there at night. In a tropical storm. (My decision making was questionable at best during this time). We drank wine. Then we (or I?) switched to liquor and it was one of the few times I have lost whole hours due to blackout. Not fuzzy - just BLACK. My hangover was so bad the next day that I chugged a little wine and then had lunch with two stiff bloody mary's before making the three hour drive home. I was supposed to go to a kinky type of party that night and had to leave just before it started because my hangover started to kick in. I had to pull over on the way home because I thought I was going to vomit. By the time I got home, my entire body was shaking and I laid in bed all night sweating and not sleeping.
I eventually moved into an apartment in the city where I worked - and until I got off of Zoloft and met my boyfriend online, it was pretty bad. I drank a 6 pack of 8% beer most nights and worked through hangovers almost everyday. I didn't even want to drink anymore but I felt like I had to and I watched Intervention and cried and commiserated with the addicts. Sometimes I wanted to hurt myself though I didn't. I blew up to almost 260 lbs. I was puffy and sweaty. My heart skipped beats. My bowel movements were just awful. I'm sure I would have been dead within 5 years at that pace.
About 4-6 mths after quitting Zoloft and some time in a fairly stable relationship, the desire to consume SO much was taken down a notch. I went down to a 6 pack of 6% beer less nights a week... then down to three or four 7 or 8% beers two or three times a week.
I just think I'm ready to give it up. My mom hates herself and is in very poor health at 50 (congestive heart failure at 40) and I don't want to continue on the same path.
My boyfriend knows that I had a fairly serious drinking problem but he doesn't know the details. He picks up on the fact that I am holding back but waits patiently. I am just so incredibly ashamed. Even still.
So here I am.
And if you're still here and you read all of this
I'm new here though I have been lurking through this site for months. I have, like all of you, an addictive personality. Alcohol, however, has been the really rough one. Alcohol is what very well could have killed me. In the past year I have cut back drastically. Going from getting hammered alone the majority of nights to getting slightly drunk 1-3 nights a week. The last time I drank was Sunday night. Had a stomach bug the past couple of days and that has made me not want to consume anything, let alone beer - which is my drink of choice. But here's the thing - Sure, I've cut back but that urge for one more and one more is still there most of the time (sometimes it seems more like a compulsion, like, I don't even want another but there's a little voice that says, "No. You really must have another.").
It certainly wasn't my bottom, but my current boyfriend and I went on a one-night stay at the beach recently and were picking up some adult beverages for the night. When we decided to get a mixed 6-pack as opposed to a 6-pack of a single type of beer, I realized that I could pick them by alcohol percentage and got pretty excited about it. He said, "Wow... you got more excited about that than your Valentine's Day gift."
And that's one of the more profound times (there have been many) where I realized, "Geez. I really am an alcoholic."
I WAS BRED FOR THIS.
My mother is an addict (alcoholic/methadone), my father had addictions in the past (alcohol) and - I'm fairly sure - is an addict now. They both suffer from pretty intense anxiety and depression and panic and I have these issues as well.
As if that's not enough... I was raised by my paternal grandparents and loved/love them so very intensely. But here's the thing - My grandmother might as well be Carrie A. Nation. She hates alcohol and thinks it should be illegal and my grandfather was an ABC officer for the better part of my growing up.
Hahahaha! So I'm this kid with HORRIBLE childhood anxiety (I mean upset stomach, vomiting, insomnia... childhood was not fun. My grandparents literally could not leave my sight without me having a panic attack... at 4 (some weird stuff that is very interesting and that I don't know all the details of happened to me as a very young child)) and intensely addictive genes with "parents" who truly hated alcohol - therefore making it that much more alluring. Perfect set-up.
Looking back, I think it was more than obvious that I had red flags sticking out of every square inch of me. It was around third grade that my anxiety (particularly social) and some depression really came into play. I ballooned. my grandparents had to start hiding their sweets from me. My grandfather could be kind of mean about it and once he said, "Everytime I see you, you got somethin' in your mouth" in quite the exasperated, slightly angered tone.
I collected things. I hoarded pens & stationary, tampons, candy (when I had lost 100 lbs in high school) and became obsessive about things like, oh, weight-loss for instance. A 2 pound gain would send me into a spiral of sheer self-loathing and near starvation. Sometimes I took sleep-aids so I could sleep through the hunger. I would only weigh myself in the morning, after pooping but before showering. I took to obsessively couponing and cooking tons of stuff and watching others eat it. I think I watched almost only the food network for two years.
But, oh man, alcohol... you dirty dirty lady. I absolutely never had a healthy relationship with alcohol. The first time I ever had enough of it to feel tipsy (from my mom - also the first person to ever give me sleep-aid) it was just wonderful. I mean, really great. I was relaxed for the first time that I could remember. I wasn't stressing over some implausible thing in my head as if it were a broken record. I didn't feel awkward. It was liquid comfort. Alcohol was the feeling of laying my head on my mom's breasts as I fell asleep at Christmas - one of sparse occasions I got to be with her.
In an unhappy relationship in my late teens with a guy a little older than me, he began to buy alcohol for me - probably because I actually wanted to have sex with him when I was drunk. This was when I was psychotic about my weight. So I'd get him to buy me 180 proof Everclear (most alcohol bang for the caloric buck) and take shots of half Everclear and half light Minute Maid lemonade. As you'd expect, it was fully disgusting but got the job done. And I tended to drink more of it when he went to sleep. This was never a social thing for me. It could be - but primarily alcohol has always been a type of medicine to me.
So, I graduated college (in 3 years w/ a 4.0 GPA and honors (I may be an addict but I'm in no way stupid)) with a degree in - GET THIS - Community Health Education. Hahahahaha! I even had an internship with the American Heart Association. But I went a little crazy. I broke up with my boyfriend from the last paragraph and had no idea what to do next in my life. At the time I was exploring polyamory and alternative lifestyles and I was obsessed with piercings and tattoos. my options I gave myself were to go to graduate school (which I not only got accepted into late but they were willing to open "full" classes for me), find a piercing apprenticeship, or join a commune. Sounds crazy, but that's where I was at.
So... I ended up piercing - which I still do. I moved to that area and I remember that I was under so much stress that I decided to not drink for awhile (apparently already noticing a problem with it) but I eventually did. And the tattoo/piercing culture is more than ok with substance abuse. It's seen as almost normal. Everyone I've worked with in a shop either has or has had some addiction issue.
And I partied like I never had time to do in college. I started smoking weed (which - I still do... hey, one thing at a time, ok... don't give me too much grief over it) and I was doing both of those things almost every night with my girlfriend and her friends (I'm legitimately bisexual - I assume that if I can't make up my mind at almost 30 it's a sure thing, lol).
We moved in together, and of course went broke, and then we started to shift apart and I would sneak a beer here and there in the morning and put the bottle in the sink under the cabinet in the bathroom... all the way at the back.
When we finally split, I moved into an adorable little studio apartment. My mom helped me move in and I was so so depressed, so of course I wanted to drink and of course, she kept giving them to me (more on that in a bit) and I got so wasted that I passed out and as my mom walked past me she said I was making a gurgling noise and she told me to turn over and I vomited all over her. I did not remember this and actually did not believe my mom when she told me.
When I moved into that place I had no internet or cable and I would write in my journal, lay in front of the open front door, stare at the goings on of a litter of feral kittens that I had started to feed, and drink.
My life became consumed in drama. I was very into polyamory and there was so much mental instability between all of us that it was a just a s***storm. I was drinking pretty regularly but I don't remember this time period being too bad.
I met my next boyfriend and he was quite the partier. We would go to the bar and get drunk and chain-smoke and go home and have drunk sex. That's what we did. Night's that we weren't together I was lonely and I often drank. I think that I failed to realize that he wasn't drinking when we weren't together. I think he noticed but he never said anything about it.
I was so so so madly in love with him. I'm not sure why but he was my world. He made my heart feel like I was looking at a puppy. Then I had a job change and he lost feelings and he broke up with me out of nowhere. I was CRUSHED. I mean, just, decimated.
I was at about 200 pounds from my 140 lbs. I was at when I first moved there after college 4 years prior (I'm 5'6"). It was around this time I was diagnosed with high blood pressure. At 25... and they said it had been high over the past year or so but they thought it was caffeine or something since I was so young (my mom had it young as well - and pre-eclampsia in labor with me when she was 20). My urine had lots of protein and blood in it and I was a hot mess.
I decided, in light of the break-up, to move back home with my grandparents while I worked my new job since it was closer than where I was and I could save some money. I also decided to go on Zoloft.
THESE TWO DECISIONS WERE THE WORST EVER. IT'S ABOUT TO GET CRAZY.
I thought living at home would help me not drink but in reality it was the opposite. I'm not sure what happened with the Zoloft but not only could I not get enough alcohol but I was hemorrhaging money. I felt insane. I'd sneak into my grandparents' stash and get drunk in my room.
At some point I freaked out and told my grandmother what was going on and of course they already suspected it. I went to a few AA meetings but as alcoholics do, I relapsed. Very quickly. I just convinced myself, somehow, that I was fine.
But I needed to hide it. I had always hidden it but it was much more intense at this point. I snuck cheap and potent malt liquors home in my purse. If I really wanted more after I was done with those... well, I resorted to cooking sherry on one occasion and vanilla extract on another occasion.
I was caught once and I just remember crying and blubbering and my grandmother being the sweet woman she was was trying to talk to me about it. That may have been my actual bottom. It hurts me so much to see her hurt.
It was during this time that I stayed with my mom a lot because she let me drink and brought me greasy breakfasts for my hangover. She was desperate to have a relationship with me due to her guilt and I knowingly took advantage of that. I became obsessed with Justin Bieber and I was about 26. I was staying at my mom's in "my room" and I actually had a poster or two up. I was obsessed with Harry Potter. I was quite literally having a second childhood. A drunken one.
During this time I went to see my friend who lived on the Outer Banks. I drove there at night. In a tropical storm. (My decision making was questionable at best during this time). We drank wine. Then we (or I?) switched to liquor and it was one of the few times I have lost whole hours due to blackout. Not fuzzy - just BLACK. My hangover was so bad the next day that I chugged a little wine and then had lunch with two stiff bloody mary's before making the three hour drive home. I was supposed to go to a kinky type of party that night and had to leave just before it started because my hangover started to kick in. I had to pull over on the way home because I thought I was going to vomit. By the time I got home, my entire body was shaking and I laid in bed all night sweating and not sleeping.
I eventually moved into an apartment in the city where I worked - and until I got off of Zoloft and met my boyfriend online, it was pretty bad. I drank a 6 pack of 8% beer most nights and worked through hangovers almost everyday. I didn't even want to drink anymore but I felt like I had to and I watched Intervention and cried and commiserated with the addicts. Sometimes I wanted to hurt myself though I didn't. I blew up to almost 260 lbs. I was puffy and sweaty. My heart skipped beats. My bowel movements were just awful. I'm sure I would have been dead within 5 years at that pace.
About 4-6 mths after quitting Zoloft and some time in a fairly stable relationship, the desire to consume SO much was taken down a notch. I went down to a 6 pack of 6% beer less nights a week... then down to three or four 7 or 8% beers two or three times a week.
I just think I'm ready to give it up. My mom hates herself and is in very poor health at 50 (congestive heart failure at 40) and I don't want to continue on the same path.
My boyfriend knows that I had a fairly serious drinking problem but he doesn't know the details. He picks up on the fact that I am holding back but waits patiently. I am just so incredibly ashamed. Even still.
So here I am.
And if you're still here and you read all of this
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 250
Wow. Thanks so much for your honesty. Reading other people's stories helps me so much. I have the same thing going on... I am either super-duper perfect and A-type - or a complete loser who does not want any responsibilities. I also prefer drinking alone. It is sad. I am trying to learn how to go easy on myself, as I think my anxiety is a major factor of why I drink and procrastinate. I hope you feel better soon.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome ams. We all all have stories that may not share the exact details with your past, it they all have the same theme.....and we all want to get better. Stick around...you can do this sobriety thing, and we can help. And believer it or not, you can help us too.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
Welcome to SR ams 
one of the best things about coming to SR was being able to share my story and know that others, finally, understood.
I've never regretted quitting. I got my life back, and the real me back too
There's a ton of support here. Glad you found us
D
one of the best things about coming to SR was being able to share my story and know that others, finally, understood.
I've never regretted quitting. I got my life back, and the real me back too
There's a ton of support here. Glad you found us
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 58
Wow! Thanks, you guys! It really is nice to lay it all out and have ppl simply say, "I know". It's also really crazy to read it. I've read it 3 or 4 times and I cannot get over my mental state and the lack of control I had. I mean, it's with me now - don't get me wrong - but for those few years, man, Wow.
It's so blatantly obvious that there's a problem and I talked myself out of believing that so many times.
It's so blatantly obvious that there's a problem and I talked myself out of believing that so many times.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 250
Originally Posted by ams0602 
I'm so glad you can identify. Having you identify literally makes me so happy I'm teary. I've felt so alone in this, ya'kniw?
We all have done so much that we regret. I am determined to make it this time.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Michigan, USA
Posts: 392
Wow, thanks for sharing your story. I don't really have anything useful to add since I'm new here too (and still actively drinking every day..) but I don't know if anyone has told you this but you're actually a talented writer! You should do something with that. Good luck with your recovery.
edited to add: I was on Zoloft for quite some time too. I came off that almost completely cold turkey. It was utterly terrifying. :/
edited to add: I was on Zoloft for quite some time too. I came off that almost completely cold turkey. It was utterly terrifying. :/
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 58
Originally Posted by Michael66
Hi ams
Sobriety is beautiful once your body and mind get used to it.
Hop up on board. It sounds like you are more than ready for it (and perhaps we all have to get to that point in our own way).
Sobriety is beautiful once your body and mind get used to it.
Hop up on board. It sounds like you are more than ready for it (and perhaps we all have to get to that point in our own way).
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Boston, MA.
Posts: 1,756
Making 6 days today seems so insignificant now; I know I will make a week 
TY so much for this post .. I have to say your brutal honesty just made me SEE things I wasn't looking for; but had to see .. Again TY
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 58
Originally Posted by anewpage
Wow, thanks for sharing your story. I don't really have anything useful to add since I'm new here too (and still actively drinking every day..) but I don't know if anyone has told you this but you're actually a talented writer! You should do something with that. Good luck with your recovery.
edited to add: I was on Zoloft for quite some time too. I came off that almost completely cold turkey. It was utterly terrifying. :/
edited to add: I was on Zoloft for quite some time too. I came off that almost completely cold turkey. It was utterly terrifying. :/
Thanks about the writing!!!! I've been told and I like to think so too. I actually wish I could have been wordier and added far more things here but it's already a dang novella, lol. It also bothers me that I said "during this time" about a million times. Sigh. But my dream is to write a book.
And whenever you decide to stop, I believe in you :-) Feel free to chat with me.
Quitting Zoloft was so scary. I felt like I had to drink to make it through it. Anxiety all over the place and my brain felt like electric zaps were running through it. Like the feeling in your brain when you're shocked but without the physical feeling of it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 58
Originally Posted by AugustWest11
Making 6 days today seems so insignificant now; I know I will make a week TY so much for this post .. I have to say your brutal honesty just made me SEE things I wasn't looking for; but had to see .. Again TYMember
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: In transit.
Posts: 88
Parts of this read so much like my own story that it's eerie, ams. I really could have written a lot of it myself, especially the weight issues, the obsession with piercing and tattoos (I thought about an apprenticeship, too!) and heartbreak-induced superspiral and just the awful deepening cycle of it all. I'm living back home now as well and it's also a mess for me....not only drinking more than ever, but the added dynamics of hiding it and the anxiety with all of that are, I am sure, just as indicative of various unresolved issues and traumas as the drinking itself. Perhaps more so. Anyway, just a big hug and thanks to you. Glad you de-lurked!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 58
Originally Posted by gwenny
Parts of this read so much like my own story that it's eerie, ams. I really could have written a lot of it myself, especially the weight issues, the obsession with piercing and tattoos (I thought about an apprenticeship, too!) and heartbreak-induced superspiral and just the awful deepening cycle of it all. I'm living back home now as well and it's also a mess for me....not only drinking more than ever, but the added dynamics of hiding it and the anxiety with all of that are, I am sure, just as indicative of various unresolved issues and traumas as the drinking itself. Perhaps more so. Anyway, just a big hug and thanks to you. Glad you de-lurked!
Big hug back! And I'm glad that you can identify. I mean, I'm sorry you're going through it because I know how messy and scary and crazy it is but glad that we can find support within each other
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Mid-Atlantic
Posts: 552
Hi! TY for posting your story. I can relate to a lot of it (believe it or not :-)). You have been through SO much and you're obviously very strong. You've taken on the world and done things your way- for better or for worse. You have people that love you, which tells me you are a loving person. Why is it so hard for us to extend the same love and care for ourselves, that we so willingly extend to others? In my case, the capacity to care for myself has been broken for a long time. I have to learn to care for myself, if I want to have a healthy happy life. I hope the same for you. Please keep posting! And stay strong!
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Michigan, USA
Posts: 392
And it's weird you mention an obsessive/addictive personality too, because now that I think about it, I've had that issue my whole life. When I get into something, I can't just like it casually, I become obsessed, consumed, with it. Whether it's a hobby, a movie, a band or celebrity... I don't do casual. Haha. Wonder what the psychology is behind that.
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