OnawaMiniya

I just don't have the strength anymore. My health sucks. I'm in constant pain and exhausted. I don't know how the hell I can get out of this. I'm so tired.

I feel dead inside. Trapped. I moved across the country. I'm isolated.

I don't have the energy anymore. I want to give up.

I'm so sorry for complaining. I know I sound pathetic. I am pathetic. Never would I have dreamed my life would be this.

Peace.

Tuffgirl

So get un-broken, one step at a time.

Good thing is - this is completely within your control. What can you start with first? A trip to the Dr? An Al-Anon meeting?

Really, you can do this. Truth be told, no one else can do it for you, so it might as well be you, right?

MyGirlGracie

Totally and completely agree with TG... be in CHARGE of yourself, what you do, when, how and why. I am in a similar situation with getting these waves of hopelessness, but I am not giving in and neither should you!

wicked

You are not pathetic. You are disappointed and sad.
I do understand that.
Do not allow these temporary feelings determine the rest of your life.
Yes to what Tuffgirl and MyGirlGracie said,
Take charge, call a doctor. Call Al Anon ask for help, they will do it.
Start a new life today.

With support and hope,
Beth

MTSlideAddict

I’m sorry you feel this way. I can hear the pain in your written words. I remember all too well as what it feels like to be trapped. One of my first posts on here was about how stuck I felt in my situation. I remember crying alone in the room every single night holding my bear as my AH was passed out on the couch. Even though it may not seem like it right now, you do have the power to change your situation. You can be happy again. It’s all one step at a time.

What helped me was knowledge. I first began with support. That is when I found others here on SR that have lived my situation and are now living happy. This helped me realize that life doesn’t have to be this bad. Then, with the advice given I researched and read articles and books on alcoholism and its effect on loved ones. I, like you, ignored many many red flags during the course of my twelve years of knowing my husband. It’s not because we’re stupid. It’s because we were naive as to what was really happening. Despite the turmoil, the verbal and physical abuse, the lies, and the disappointments I still willfully married this man. We have been unhappily, well I guess only I have been unhappy, married for almost four years. I stayed this long because I was sure that he would change. Why? Because I am sick. I am codependent. I somewhere down the line determined that my feelings do not matter. I thought he needed me and I needed him. I clung to a hope that things will one day magically mold to the fairytale that I had dreamt of. I remembered that nineteen year old man that swept me off my feet instead of looking at him at the present. He fed me lies, and manipulated me to stay. I was his enabler. I was his partner in crime in a matter of speaking. When I was about to leave he would pull his best effort to present the mask of my prince charming. It was only a mask time after time, and eventually the mask comes off. This is how my cycle goes. He is not a bad man; he’s just a sick man. We are two sick people doing a sick tango.

Dealing with an alcoholic’s turmoil can be very tiresome and overwhelming. You feel hopeless and so alone. It doesn’t have to be this way. Your situation is not hopeless. You are not pathetic. Start changing your situation a little at a time. You have taken a great step just by finding us here at SR.

You have mentioned that your health is declining. Stress can really do a number on one’s health. If you ask me that is a perfect reason to keep moving forward. Don’t feel like you are complaining or bothering us in anyway by posting. This is a safe place to vent your feelings. You are not alone.

Hugs.

chicory

Onawa,

Hang in there. You will find a lot of supportive and understanding folks here. I think that a lot of us have been where you are today.
take care of the basics, for sure, getting enough rest, to eat, a bit of whatever kind of exercise you can do. and think about al-anon, and seeing your doctor, perhaps you are suffering from depression. sometimes we need a little help with that, before things start looking up.

you are not alone,
hugs
chicory

OnawaMiniya

My God, you are all angels. I feel so lucky to have found this place. I hesitated before posting that original post....I felt too embarrassed and weak. I tend to hold things inside and not tell anyone, at least not the very most sensitive feelings I have. I'm too embarrassed that I can't just "handle it". I guess I need to allow myself to feel ok with just feeling sad sometimes. I get so angry at myself for feeling weak. Then it's like a bad cycle. I'm angry at myself for being weak, so then I start to feel hopeless. Does that even make sense? Lol I don't know...

I guess because I feel like a failure for feeling weak.

But that doesn't get me anywhere, just beating myself up and leading to more self defeating behavior...

I don't have the words to thank you all, each one of you, for your compassionate and understanding and encouraging responses.

You are wonderful people. Thank you for caring.

Wishing you all peace and strength.

Peace.

nothopeful1

I'm very worried about you! I'm praying for you right now. I beg you to find some happiness. God loves you. I hate that you are alone. I know that feeling so well. But there are so many good things going on around you if you will just try. Please try to talk to someone tomorrow.

Rest tonight. It will get better if you work on the only thing you can change. That's you, my love.

Hugs.

nothopeful1

You write on here as much as you want. We are here for you and I have found there is such a healing power in just writing it out. It releases it from your heart. And the more I write about those things I have found those feeling stop screaming in my heart and soul. I gave them a voice and released them.

I also had a break through a few nights ago because I really wanted to send those letters and feelings to the AH in rehab. That was wrong of me. I wanted him to FEEL my feelings. Well after great advice here I didn't. He doesn't need a script of my feelings. He knows what he's done. I need to see his authentic self and what he chooses to do.

marie1960

You are not pathetic.

Your life has been complicated by someone's addiction.

We understand this. We have walked in your shoes.

He is not your salvation, he NEVER was.

Looking to another human for security and your personal inner joy will never be found. Everything you need is inside of YOU, time to dig down deep and help yourself. YOU can do this.

If you are in need of medical attention, you have to get yourself to a doctor, there is aid available, but you have to seek it out.

Stress, depression, sadness can truly do on number on our physical health and well being, even your body is asking for help.

It's time to be strong.

We can support you here, but you are going to have to reach out for help, if you truly want change.

I certainly believe you are worthy. We have all felt like you do presently, the good news, is it doesn't have to be this way forever.

blessed4x

(((Hugs))). I wish I had more to offer, but today that's all I've got. Each one of us here understands more than you can know. You aren't alone. Sadly, it's a very big club that we never wanted to join.

Recovering2

You are not dead, or trapped. Certainly not alone. You may have a temporary situation you can't get out of, but you can still find ways to be peaceful in the current situation. Please find an AlAnon meeting near you. You will find a room full of friends who offer support with no judgement.

PippiLngstockng

You moved far away but you aren't alone. I had similar feelings yesterday. I moved across the ocean and still I have to deal with the mess that marriage to my AH entangled me in. Sometimes I just want to check into a hospital bed and let someone else figure out what to do about the finances, the children, the abuse, the drinking, etc. why do I have to do it all myself?

But darn it, we are all strong enough after all. Go for a walk, get some fresh air, notice the beauty around you. Smile at the passersby. Do the things that bring you joy. Things won't be like this forever. And you are loved. And there is your higher power. Then when you feel a little better, take one item that needs addressing to improve your life, and take some positive steps forward on it. Something that needs attention. Every step forward helps!

Courage! You can do it!

LexieCat

Al-Anon will go a long way toward making you feel less isolated. I made some great friends in Al-Anon, who helped me through some very tough times. I, too, had moved across the country, and although there were a couple of family members there, no one I felt I could confide in. Didn't feel comfortable confiding in the people at my job, either. It was a new job, and who wants to be the "person with the problems"?

But every couple of days I had a group of people who COMPLETELY understood what I was dealing with. One person held onto my most important possessions while I moved out to look for a new place to live. Another came and helped me get started with my packing when I was about to move back to my "home base" and I felt too helpless to get started.

It all doesn't need to be figured out and solved today. One step at a time, one day at a time. Life will go on, and you will wind up in a much better place, eventually.

Tuffgirl

We've all felt like this throughout our own journeys. It is why we like to say "This too shall pass" around here.

And I don't know about you, but I see now I confused feeling "weak" with simply being exhausted by the nonstop chaos and drama.

Keep talking - it does help to get it out of our heads!

FireSprite

100 DITTO's!!!

I like saying: this is just WHERE you are, not WHO you are.

You'll be amazed at how quickly things can turn around for you when you focus on healing, one little baby step at a time.

Archangelesk

So true.

I was where you are very recently. I may hit that law a few more time on my way out of my marriage. But, today I feel pretty good. It hurts, but I am learning and growing from that hurt. And that is exciting.

Keep reading. There's a pattern here. People just like you recover and find serenity. We have been where you are and are with you in spirit. You may feel weak - but you will not feel this forever. There is a path from where you are that leads to goodness.

xoxox

NeedHappiness

I have felt like a failure for years....not just in my relationship with ABF, but other things. The rest of my siblings have excelled in most everything....all have excellent paying jobs, new homes, new cars... great spouses, etc.... and then there's me! lol I guess those things just weren't supposed to be part of my journey. I am close to 50 years old now and till struggling as I was YEARS ago.
As far as feeling alone..... I, too, know that feeling oh too well. This is a wonderful place to say what you are thinking and feeling and no one will judge you. When I start feeling alone, I come here.
Stay with us...... like Blessed4x said....its a very big
"club" that no one wanted to join! LOL I am still laughing over that description. It's so true though. Keep your spirits up..... this too shall pass

Sueski

Onawa, I've read your posts. You are NOT pathetic, not weak. You're tired, frustrated, sad, so many things, but neither pathetic nor weak. Look at it this way - you would never have made it this far if you were not tough and smart.

You're not alone, either. Take care, okay?

luv2teachkids

Onawa,
We have all been there, or are currently feeling much like you. Post often, go to Al anon, and make yourself the most important person in your life. You are worth it, and you will feel better once you put yourself first!