To Let Go Takes Love

Old 05-16-2013, 09:57 AM
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To Let Go Takes Love

My therapist went over this with us in my last session and although I already understood this I felt that it may help a new person.


To "let go" does not mean to stop caring
it means I can't do it for someone else

To "let go" is not to cut myself off, it is
the realization I can't control another

To "let go" is not to enable, but to allow
learning from natural consequences

To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which
means the outcome is not in my hands

To "let go' is not to try to change or blame
another, it is to make the most of myself

To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about

To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive

To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another
to be a human being

To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes
but to allow others to affect their own destinies

To "let go" is not to be protective, it is to
permit another to face reality

To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept

To "let go' is not to nag, scold, or argue, but instead to
search out my own shortcomings and to correct them

To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires but to
take each day as it comes, and to cherish "myself" in it

To "let go" is not to criticize or regulate anybody
but to try to become what I dream I can be

To "let go" is not to regret the past, but
to grow and live for the future

To "let go" is to fear less and to love more.
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Old 05-16-2013, 10:09 AM
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I needed this today more then you will ever know. Thank You. My toxic relationship to an active alcoholic was tearing me apart. I watched my crazy attempts to fix him spiral out of control until I didn't know who I was anymore. I am just as messed up as him, maybe more. I needed to see once again that letting go was the right thing to do for us both regardless of how much it hurts right now.




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Old 05-16-2013, 11:24 AM
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Letting go is so hard.
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Old 05-16-2013, 11:34 AM
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actually it's the holding on that causes all the grief.
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Old 05-16-2013, 11:48 AM
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It is very hard kooba. No denying that. Anvil is correct as usual. Hanging in there was tearing my heart and soul to pieces. Leaving started mending them. There is not a day that goes by I don't think of him. That is just who I am though, that won't change. I care, so sue me. lol. I am happy now though. I don't have anxiety attacks, I'm losing weight (we loved to cook and ate alot) I have morey money to spend on me, etc. IT GETS BETTER. If you love someone set them free........you know the rest. Take care
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Old 05-16-2013, 03:01 PM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
actually it's the holding on that causes all the grief.
So true
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Old 05-16-2013, 07:35 PM
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Awesome, Angie. Thanks for sharing.
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Old 05-16-2013, 08:50 PM
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I remember many stories when women from my own "big book" let their boys go.

Hannah let Samuel go. and he did great things.
Moses mother put him in a basket and let him go. he did great things.
Mary let Jesus go, and he died a brutal death.

if we take religion out of it, and look at it as a story:

sometimes letting go doesn't have positive outcomes. sometimes it does.

but these women were told to let go, they loved their boys but they trusted god with the lives of their boys.

if they had never let go, then these men would never ever have been able to do the things that they were supposed to do.

even for those of us who don't think these stories are true, I still think they are good examples. The moral of the stories and why I bring them up is NOT because of what the boys did once they were let go, but because of the faith of the women who were behind them turning the lives of them over to God.
Samuel could have been slain or chosen not to be obedient, Hannah let him go anyway.
Moses could have been drowned or eaten by a crocodile or murdered. His un - named mom let him go anyway.
Jesus was brutally executed ( and if one was to say he was just a human being and the rest fairy tale) then he died anyway... but Mary trusted god and let him go...


makes me think and wonder and ponder...

makes letting go seem like the right answer to me all the more...
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Old 05-17-2013, 05:31 AM
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Lily ,, love what u said !!! And in my soul I know its true to !! 3 days for me of letting go it's the only way for me .. Everyone can't be wrong !!! And sometimes the only thing left to
Do is let go and just keep praying for them !!! It's not easy but god never said it would be easy he said trust me !!! He did it with drugs and alchol for me why would he leave me now !! His plan has to be so much more than this !! The worst things in my recovery that happened to me always turned out to be the best !!! I can't forget that just because it hurts now !!! Xoxo
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Old 05-17-2013, 06:30 AM
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I apologize upfront if this post seems hard or graphic. I am writing cause I care and love ya’ll.

I have been reading all over this forum and there are definite themes as I look at what people write and do. Generally cycles get repeated, repeated and repeated. With our DA’s we take their crap, lies, manipulations and then say we will go no contact, work on ourselves, blah, blah. Be honest with yourself and ask how much mental space do you allocate to them, are you really no contact?? If you think of them you ARE contact, if you feel for them you ARE contact, if you just text them a teeny weeny little message you ARE contact, if you speak to mutual friends about them YOU ARE contact.

How much more must it take before you realise you are repeating, repeating, repeating? Must you have your innocent children infected and affected by all this so that they can repeat the cycle later in their lives, must innocent people die, must you get AIDS, syphilis or any other disease (cause trust me you are not the only one they are doing and getting their sexual kicks and fixes from), must your life be turned upside down, must your brain become obsessed 24/7. How much more destruction by your DA must you endure and how many more ruined lives, good relationships, innocent and healthy people must suffer (including you)?

Where is your self-respect? When you are with your DA do they promise the world, tell you they will be clean or are clean, create and promise you amazing things and the never follow through? When they have sex with you, how do they treat you? Do they insist on sexual positions that avoid eye contact or are actual degrading, do they treat you like the dog in doggy style? Do they really care or just getting their jollies off! Is any of the relationship real or has it been one big drug induced hallucination and you are just part of their special effects?

COME ON people get with YOUR programme and get YOU healthy. This life journey is tough enough and it starts with you! Let the addiction to your DA go and let them go. Get healthy and you will find peace.

Peace out ya’ll !
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Old 05-17-2013, 12:22 PM
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Thanks Anvil- holding on has definitely created more pain than letting go. But I had a rope in one hand and a 2x4 in the other. I dropped the rope but failed to let go of the 2x4. The one I keep hitting myself over the head with.
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Old 05-17-2013, 01:11 PM
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Originally Posted by blackandblue View Post
Thanks Anvil- holding on has definitely created more pain than letting go. But I had a rope in one hand and a 2x4 in the other. I dropped the rope but failed to let go of the 2x4. The one I keep hitting myself over the head with.
that's also true. I do tend to beat myself up
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Old 05-20-2013, 05:43 AM
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pinchofsalt...thank you for your message...and conceptually, i totally agree...however, i have spent the last 20 years waking up to myself and my own experience...i am married to someone who drinks and seemed totally normal to me because both my parents drank, were successful (on the outside) and raised "perfect" kids. My hubby the same.

as i look back on 38 years of marriage, all my children drink...3 have had drug issues...each one worse than the previous...over 16 years...which my hubby and i battled through therapy and work on our marriage and ourselves...as well as rehabs, etc.

i am the only one who has been willing to do recovery work...i am the codependent...if i had known before what i know now...i would have done what you say...and you bring up some important points...and it makes me really sick right now as i empty nest and i realize i really didn't cause it, can't control it or cure it.

i continue to do the work...and i continue to get better...sometimes i am in really bad shape...yes, i repeat and cycle and go round and round...yet, i am better than i was 15 years ago and better than i was 10 years ago and better than i was 5 years ago. i try not to blame myself for not understanding more and being more able to "leave" then...what happened for me is that i realized that there were reasons and obstacles within me...and that i can only work on me...and take the steps i can take...and i have taken so many more and they have been so difficult as to feel as if I am "dying" spiritually as I walk through them...and then life gets better...until i need to take the next step...or perhaps I start to take the next step...but it is a process.

i am in a space i don't know what to do...but it is no longer around family of origin issues, or daughter #1, #2...it is about daughter #3...and hubby. My entire family chooses to be in denial as has my biological family after Dad's death...and I was the emotional caretaker of both families...and when Dad died...I wasn't needed anymore.

I have dealt with layers and layers...and only when I focus on myself and breaking through my own denial do I make progress.

Your post makes it sound easier than it has been for me...and as if there are magical answers which I haven't found...regardless of great therapy, codependency related twelve step programs, now starting to recognize and address the realization that there was emotional abuse.

I have come a long way...but there is further to go. I am happy that I am getting to know myself better...and to realize that I can emotionally detach and be ok... When things sound too black & white...I feel like I am a failure and don't understand the "magic" answer, but there isn't one. One person's knowledge is another person's journey.

Thank you for posting...but for me...I have found that ever path leads to the process...and that is why I am here.

The letting go poem has been posted on my wall for many years now...I am still working each line...as it is not the part that I understand (the brain part) that hurts me...it is the part I don't understand how to do...and I am still learning...and it will be forever if I do things correctly.
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Old 05-20-2013, 05:47 AM
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Angie, thank you...this is a poem that i have posted on my wall...it is so helpful every time i remind myself that is is there and i must not forget.
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Old 05-20-2013, 05:49 AM
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Lily...your post was so inspiring to me...and I am glad for my faith...your post helped me understand that letting go is critical...i always get confused though...i have been emotionally letting go...does it have to be divorce or leaving the spouse?
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Old 05-20-2013, 05:49 AM
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Lily and Blackandblue...I do beat myself up too...that is when I know that I am not healthy and do more work.
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Old 05-20-2013, 08:51 AM
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Irisgardens, I don't think there is a magic trick things can look easy when written in words however they do take commitment, hard work and time. I like you have been through the things you described and I am doing much better that I was even a year ago progress not perfection and for me I am OK with that.
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Old 05-20-2013, 10:10 AM
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thanks, Angie!
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Old 05-20-2013, 11:24 PM
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Originally Posted by jkooba View Post
Letting go is so hard.
===================


hard? yes.
but worth it!
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Old 05-20-2013, 11:37 PM
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Wow. I read the top poem then I went on to read irisgardens 5:43am post. It hit my heart like a bullseye. I grew up being told that my parents weren't alcoholics because they both held jobs, took up to sports and did everything good parents do. However when I got older my friend called my parents alcoholics. I suddenly realized they were. Even more so now, that I know I am addict. However I fell in love with awesome man I've known since first grade. His father was an alcoholic too and quit drinking to regain a higher quality of life when my bf was 18. Anyway my bf and I drank teh first 2 years, then we both quit drinking for 4 years and then he started drinking when our only son turned 1 year old which was 2 years ago. Since then, the drinking has gotten consistently worse and quantity almost doubled. I am scared, I don't know what to do. He doesn't physically abuse me, very little verbal abuse. I am scared of what my son is seeing and what my boyfriend is doing to his body and life. Our relationship suffers because if your passed out, you can't remmeber what I say, what I need, you sure the heck can't fulfill my 30 year old sex drive, you can't hold me when I cry watching a sad movie, you don't know how I feel because a beer is in yoru hand and your sleeping. SAD. I am 30 and I never imagined this would be anything clsoe to my life.
Thank you so much for sharing with us. You are brave.
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