OnawaMiniya

Hi, everyone-

I've been lurking on the site here for at least a month, and finally joined. I see the high level of support you provide one another. It has been a very good experience for me, reading these threads. The one that stands out to me the most is "what is the most difficult thing about having a loved one who is an alcoholic/addict?"

It was so sad...but I saw myself in many of the answers.

I'm in my early thirties, married less than half a year to a man I dated as a teen. We reunited and things went fast. I was an idiot. I definitely should have known better.

I'm horrified that the shy, gentle, sweet young man I knew has become a monster. An alcoholic nightmare.

I don't even want to go into some things he has said and done. No I'm no angel... I should walk away more. I am working on detaching. But I got married to have a partner, not to feel more alone when I'm with him than without.

He is so cruel, selfish.....not a drop of empathy. Right now I'm unemployed and can't find a job. We have to move soon, and I can't wait to get a job and start planning.

For a while I hoped...but I'm just stupid if I'm gonna live on hope. HE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT ANYONE BUT HIMSELF. The emotional and verbal abuse is awful. I don't even want to talk about what goes on... he hardly showers, too.

I'm so tired of the next day him pretending nothing has happened. If I didn't have a dog I'd just go to a shelter, no joke.

That's just the tip of the ice burg really... I'm too mortified to speak of more at this time.

Thank you so very much for listening, I just needed to get it out of my brain...

I would love to hear your stories as well. I'm here to listen too, not just talk.

Hoping you all have a beautiful day, take care of you.

Peace.

LexieCat

Moving would be a great time to make a break with him. You are already uprooting and packing stuff up.

Incidentally, you should contact the shelter. Many places have resources to temporarily place pets in foster homes while women are escaping abuse. You aren't the only one who stays because of the pet. Rescue organizations can often help, too.

It sounds like you are dealing with physical/emotional abuse. Contact the shelter anyway, and ask to talk to a counselor. They can be of great help with general safety planning and have lots of resources to offer you if you are ready to be free of the abuse.

OnawaMiniya

Thank you, LexieCat, for your reply. He recently broke my phone (can't say I've never broken anything to be fair), so as soon as that is resolved I will call around. I looked online buy couldn't find anything by me about dogs...and she's a good 70+ pounds. But it can't hurt to call and ask for advice or references.

I have several things wrong with my spine and also fibromyalgia....the stress is killing me. Stomach ulcer seems to be there as well, symptoms all add up to a "t" but can't afford to see a Dr. I also need to look into affordable medical care...

I'm not perfect, I'm no angel....but I know I don't deserve this crap.

It's ridiculous.

I'm just so damn sad....what the hell happened to him....there's no getting through....like a brick wall....

I know complaining doesn't help. Just that no one knows, I have no one I feel like I can talk to, so I guess I need to whine a little bit. But, I know eventually I will be free of this.

In his few and far between moments of being "real" I know he knows.... but to not have the courage to deal with it in any other way but to blame me for EVERYTHING....I have no respect for.

I may not be perfect, I may push it sometimes....but the reaction I get is so off the charts it's unreal. Nothing surprising to anyone here I suppose.

I feel sad for the person he has given up on being....I know his is a world of pain or else he'd not do this. But, he has yet to hit bottom, and I'll be damned if I'm going there with him.

What a waste.

Just.....So sad.

Thanks for listening.

Peace.

BlueSkies1

I read these boards, and some stories horrify me as to how low some people have gone without taking care of themselves. I also read these boards and see people who would never go as low as I did.
I always come to the same conclusion--I look at the stories with the partner scenarios and think to myself that there isn't a guy/gal in the world that is worth falling that low. It's so hard to see when people are in it.
People have to fix their own lives. If the relationship is a casualty along the way, then that's that...love aside, that kind of love isn't worth that kind of suffering, that little quantity of love, that little of quality of love.
We all have to scratch our way back up from whatever hole we have fallen into. Nails in the dirt type of thing. Save our own lives.
Forget about him for a minute.
What is the quality of your life?
I would make decisions based solely on that, and once I saw the way to claw my way out of hell, I would continue doing it, to save my life, to stop the madness, to find the light of day again, and I would tunnel my vision until I was in a place where I had my self-respect back and lived in a way I could respect and not be disgusted or shamed about.
He has to do the same for himself.
Together, it isn't working for either of you right now. Nobody is getting closer to the light of day.

Recovering2

We all learn the 3 C's on here: we didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, and can't Control it. This has nothing to do with you...nothing. It is a progressive disease, and will only get worse. You are only 6 months into this "marriage", you can get out and likely get it annulled. Lexie is right, a lot of shelters have fostering for pets. There are also dog rescues that may temporarily foster until you get settled. Contact a local DV shelter. They will have information on women's shelters and possible fostering for your dog. Do you have any friends/family who will let you use a phone to make some inquiries.

No, you're not perfect. None of us are!!! Does not mean we deserve crap in our life! But you are not alone. Find an AlAnon group in your area, and attend a meeting. That will give you local support and strength as you step out of this and move forward on your own path.

Tuffgirl

I am glad you finally reached out to us here, and I hope you continue reading and posting and coming back.

Al-Anon is another great resource for you, and its free as well!

Like you, I married a man who I quickly realized was an alcoholic and when the ring went on the finger, things went from a little bad to damn near unbearable in short order. Within 2 months of our wedding, I was sitting in a therapist's office trying to come to terms with what I had gotten myself into.

I am not perfect, either. But I deserve better than what I got from that guy. My daughters deserved better. Hell, he deserved better than the self abuse and sabotage he was putting himself through!!!

It took a while, but I finally left and didn't go back, and we are divorced now and remain 'no contact'. It was an incredibly painful experience, but one I can say taught me a lot of life lessons I would have otherwise never learned. My life today is peaceful and as drama free as living with teenage girls can be. I own my own home now, my career is really taking off, and I am content being single again. This time last year I would have scoffed at anyone telling me this...but here I am, life is great again!

Have hope and faith...sometimes its the only things we have to carry us through the bad days. Hope that your life won't always be this way and faith that you have the strength to make that happen.

The Serenity Prayer helped me during those days:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference. Amen.

Peace,
~T

DreamsofSerenity

I know that feeling so well of them being like a brick wall.. I used to tell my exabf it would hurt less to literally go bash my head against a brick wall. He didn't care; he also had no empathy.My advice to you is quit trying to get through the brick wall because you will fail everytime and get a massive head injury in the process.

Try to get away from him. We are here to help and support you.

Hugs.

OnawaMiniya

Thanks everyone. I think I am going to try and get away. I just can't take it anymore.

I just can't.

I'm just full of disgust.

I will look into how to care for my dog. I won't leave without her.

Thank God I don't have kids with him. Thank God.

Wishing you all well.

Peace.

SolTraveler

I am so sorry you are going through this. My ABF and I were high school sweethearts too and he contacted me too - should have been a big, fat red flag that he was 35, never married, no kids, DUI.... but all I could see was the boy I knew then.

We are here for you.

wicked

Hello and Welcome!

Trying to find a secret meaning for your name.

On a wama Mini ya?


Beth

OnawaMiniya

Thank you much for your reply. I saw red flags too...like an idiot I ignored them...

Today when he got home I cried hard and told him in no uncertain terms that this was it. I won't be abused anymore. That when I tell him something and he asks,"what are you talking about/what do you mean?" That I'm not stupid, that's textbook abuse - to make me question myself and wonder if I'm crazy or imagining things. To listen to me say something important to me and deep, and then talk about his fing jeep or a movie as like I said nothing....that I won't be dismissed or ignored. That he may think bc of my health problems that I won't leave... but that I'll go to a shelter, find a foster program for my dog until I claw my way to my feet. That I won't listen to the tyrannical episodes of verbal and emotional abuse. That I watch the clock and when it's time for him to be home, I think "great...how much will be drunk tonight? What innocent thing will launch him into a tirade against me? What everything will I be blamed for today?" Etc.

And I mean it. That's it. I will find the strength to go. I'm done. I said these women are telling me it doesn't get better and I see that. That some leave after like 37 years....That that won't be me. That I'm not putting up with abuse for one more minute, emotional or anything else...

Thanks for understanding and listening.

I hope your day is going well and you are taking good and kind care of yourself.

Peace.

OnawaMiniya

Lol

Hi, thanks for the welcome.

After trying what must have been at least 30 names and all were taken, I looked up name meaning.

Onawa is Native American and means "awake" or "wide awake".

Miniya is African and means "much expected of her"

Finally I was able to join after trying a ton of names and numbers!

Peace.

OnawaMiniya

For the record, I'm not counting on his "changing". And he can be on his best behavior for months, a year or more.... I will still get a safety deposit box once I find a job and talk to a lawyer to find out what steps I need to take. I will prepare myself.

Peace.

Recovering2

Love the name! Good idea to get a safe deposit box. I had to go to 3 branches to find an available box. I kept copies of documents, extra keys, money there. Remain calm and detached, but plan your exit now. AlAnon remains a great source of strength, experience, and hope for you as you move forward.

wiscsober

You are not alone

You need to take care of yourself...give Alanon hotline a call...you can talk with someone who might meet up with you for coffee and a meeting if you desire.

I appreciate all of your posts...thank you

OnawaMiniya

Thank you.

I just have to say your avatar is great!

Peace.

OnawaMiniya

Thank you

Peace.