akindred

Last night I read some posts and threads as I decide how to set even stronger boundaries with my brother (briefly, he asked my husband and me if he could relocate here with us as we retired, live in the adjacent carriage house ... we gave it lots of thought, talked it over ... husband compiled list of limits, boundaries, concerns, called him from work and said, of course, with evidence of all these things (you know, health insurance, savings, plan for retirement, etc., and, last but not least, recognition that the drinking and its accompanying behavior were issues for us, and that he may need to consider, at the very least, a medical detox -- and he agreed to all those conditions -- and then my amazing husband, with us within a year of our retirement, quickly became very ill and within 42 days, had died. It will not surprise you in the least that, within two weeks, I was asked, "Is the deal still on?" -- and I said well, sure, you know what we've laid out. I was foolish, I was vulnerable, I take responsibility nevertheless -- and the rest has the outcome you would expect. No honoring the agreement, no honoring, period. Many insults and $$ later, here we are.) Within this week it will be three years since my husband died (again it was just the two of us, two happy kids who grew up together, put each other through college and grad school, took care of our parents -- and were on the brink of taking the time, after 40 years, we had promised ourselves ... Alert: object lesson here!), and I am just, it seems, somehow more acutely aware of what has happened. So with reading your posts last night, without any plan to do so (although it was intended, just not planned), I moved ahead with something about me. While my brother has chosen a Triumph Spitfire as his main mode of transportation, he has been using my husband's car -- with my permission, acknowledged -- to run his errands and move his things and on and on. While we discussed that I would be selling it and really did need to do so, he kept it a mess, much unlike my husband had, and probably was attempting to stall the sale by not maybe taking it through the carwash and giving it a good vacuum. I was correcting the title at the courthouse today, then driving it on to finish other errands, then drove it into the dealership to set the appointment for a couple of recall fixes, then thought, what the heck, let me talk to the appraiser here since I've done all my homework anyway and know what I'm doing -- one of those, "Yeah, I look like Keith Richards -- but I'll make it work for me!" moments -- and an hour later, I had made a good deal to sell it outright. I'm pleased. I'm pleased with myself for following my higher self. I'm pleased in knowing my husband would nod and give me props as always. I'm pleased with taking action during an otherwise difficult time. I'm also pleased, and very grateful, that many of you helped give me some backbone that pushed me each step further today. I'm dealing with the fallout, but that's fine. I just want the peace of our home to come back to me, and while my husband cannot, I am clearer than ever that I can let my brother know I am not his retirement plan nor his enabler, but I am sure of myself -- and sure it is time for him to leave, period, full stop. Thanks, folks. This has been decades in the making, a family saga, and it ends with me. I didn't say it was over, mind you, but it is ending.

LexieCat

Wow. Welcome to SR.

You got some good backbone goin' on there! Sounds like you are ready to come out of mourning and start living again.

I'm so sorry your husband isn't here to share this time with you, but I think you're right--he would want you to get yourself pulled together and start enjoying yourself again. I'm assuming that on the agenda in the not too distant future will be getting the freeloader out of your home. I have a feeling your awesome husband is smiling right now!

Seren

I'm so glad that you are taking steps to ensure that your retirement will be the peaceful and joyful one that you and your husband had imagined. Putting up strong boundaries on any enabling, drama-filled, alcohol-fueled family relationship is hard, but soooo worth it!

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself. Your life story is heading in a new direction. You sound inspired. Good on you!

I hope you will make yourself at home by reading, venting and sharing as often as needed. We are here to support you, and we care about you.

Way to go on taking care of an automobile transaction! Dealing with automobile decisions can be daunting. I recently had to do my homework to keep myself from being taken advantage of over car repairs. Information can be powerful.

Keep taking care of YOU. You are worth the effort!

Recovering2

Wow! Kudos to you for processing all of this and taking healthy steps forward for you! I agree it's past time for your brother to move on. And, yes, he will likely react when you tell him to leave...but I learned that's okay. The A is allowed to have their reactions...doesn't mean it changes our plans. And we don't have to engage when they react. Set a move date, evict if he's not out by then. He's a grown man...you're doing him a favor by allowing him to set out on his own life path.

I'm sorry you lost a great husband, but I believe he's with you and proud of what you're doing.

BlueSkies1

We could use to have a lot more posts like this one on here.
Sanity reclaimed!

akindred

Thanks for your super replies and encouragement. The following, which I just received, is too good not to share. Have we established a Classics Library yet? Oh, it was followed as I was just typing this with a call ... an offer to plant stuff for me, too:

Email - Re: THANKS A MIL!!!!
BEFORE IT GETS AWAY FROM ME I NEED TO SAY THAT I JUST WANTED TO THANK
YOU FOR DELAYING THE SALE OF YOUR CAR FOR ME FOR SO LONG AT YOUR GREAT
COST OF VALUE...
THERE WOULD HAVE BEEN NO WAY TO DO WHAT I NEEDED TO DO WITH OUT IT!
I REALLY AM SO SUPER GRATEFUL TO YOU!,TANKS AGAIN,YOUR BRO WITH LOVE.

P.S. I WILL STILL RUN ERRANDS FOR US IN THE SPIT.....FEEL FREE TO
REQUEST ANYTIME.

----------------------
Wowee wow wow.

LexieCat

Actually, we have. Check out this thread: Quackers Part I and Quackers Part II.

akindred

I also meant to express gratitude for acknowledging my husband. His birthday is tomorrow. We used to have such great fun! That wonderful relationship is my focus, not an email reply of "I am simply speechless" to the above. Sheesh.

wicked

Yes, we have a thread with the word "quacking" in the title,
and at the top of this forum,
"some of it makes me laugh, and some of it makes me cry".

More of these wacky only through the eyes of an alcoholic stories!



so glad you are here, and someone who will respect the car now has it!

Beth


Lexie is quick as a cat!

akindred

Thank you, Lexie.

Eddiebuckle

Akindred,

Thanks for sharing - I needed to see that.

I have a similar person in my life who is a manipulation maestro. And much like some of the decisions I had to make in early sobriety, the problem is not that I lack options - it's that I have distorted and inflated the consequences to render myself unable to do anything at all, resenting my lack of progress and laying it at the feet of others. Every once in a while I need a reminder that this is not a dress rehearsal to my "real" life, this is it. Like the line from the Eagles tune: "so often times it happens that we live our lives in chains, and we never even know we have the key."

I am where I am by choice. Not every choice was made consciously or wisely, but the state of my exisitence is the sum of those choices. Nobody made me a victim of inaction, I made those choices out of fear. The solution is faith and conscious choice, knowing that very few things in life are permanent or irreversible.

Thanks for sharing.

bless5

akindred

Thanks, new pals.

Definitely in a weird place with friends here because husband has died, brother now here -- and his behavior is/has been a bit obvious to most. And I fear not having friends' companionship because they know it's not the same comfy home they used to visit (one has said he always felt "safe" here ...) -- even though he's in the separate space about 50 feet away.

All that to say, getting close to lowering the boom. As I said, no steady income, but capable without a doubt. Honestly -- as in, he mentioned it to me -- looking forward to SSA benefits in two years -- still will be small potatoes if having to pay for a real place (as in not mine, heh heh) to live.

I do believe he is maintaining a low income -- and informing me -- to make sure I'm aware he will not be able to manage on his own at this current level. How entitled he must feel.

I think what I will ask from this wonderful place is reality checks, gut checks, whatever we all call them -- and in return, I will post the date and time of his departure, for real, and the in-between as I navigate this. It is equally difficult knowing I have to get about the business of understanding the death of my husband -- as in, this is really a case of arrested development in the grief department -- because the brother's issues came up immediately. This is painful -- but only because he's not the kid I grew up with -- and I have to remember even that ended at age 18 for him and age 20 for me. It is also painful knowing that he truly had no regard for me or my husband -- the man he called his "best friend, loved four times more than anyone, including you (me), and I wish you would respect my feelings ..." on the day the car was sold and he threw the hissy fit, big time. Did anyone say "King Baby"?

Mercy.