luv2teachkids

Well, we are eight days into this recovery process. He is still dry..so that part is good. He is also still going to his partial hospitalization rehab classes from 9-5 and has gone to an AA meeting afterwards each night this week. All very positive and improved.

However, today has been awful. I admit, I started it. I don't know why I am being like this. Normally, I am the easy one to get along with. I forgive easily, I put up with a lot, and I generally aim to please. BUT today, i woke up mad. I woke up mad that he didn't hold me last night (he normally sleeps with his arms around me). I sent him an email (my best way of communicating without him interrupting) confiding in him with how I was really feeling about everything. He had asked on our way home from his AA and my Alanon meeting. He read the email and just said "thanks". Nothing more. I felt deflated. I guess I was looking for more, and when I didn't get it, I felt let down. I felt like I was showing that I am hurting too and was hoping he would say he is there for me...or that he is sorry...or something. At the very least, I wanted him just to hold me. When that didn't happen, I went to sleep.

I woke up still rather bitter. Bitter that I had opened up and got nothing in return. Of course, that put the chip on my shoulder and our day began. He asked what was wrong with me and I told him. Then the alcoholic pity party began.... "Tell me what else I am doing wrong", "I am just a bad person", "What else do you hate about me?" I never said he was bad, doing things wrong, or that I hated him. In fact, I told him I loved him and was proud of him....but the minute my feelings, regardless of how much positive I throw in, are out there, he turns it. Our entire day was like this. He went to his class, and I went to work. During his breaks he called, and after an initial, how are you...we started back in on the same argument as this morning.

On his way home from work, he was angry...like mean drunk angry. He was frustrated with traffic (it is an hour and half drive from rehab) and was swearing and yelling on the phone. Anything I tried to say got twisted. He said he was going to a meeting cus he just wanted to drink. If I didn't know better, I would say he was drunk..but in actuality, I know it is just the "dry drunk" thing going on..

I am glad he made it to his meeting tonight. I sent a very positive text saying that I loved him, believed in him, and am proud of him. I also told him that I was looking forward to seeing him and spending time with him when he got home. I told him that he is more than an alcoholic to me...he is a strong, loving man who I am proud to call my husband. I'm afraid this past week his recovery is all we have talked about and maybe we need to spend a little time beyond that too... I dunno.

He should be home anytime now. I want so much for the arguing and attitudes to be gone. Is this normal? Is it normal to feel like you can't express your own sadness, resentment, fears to your alcoholic for fear that they will retaliate and make it all about them? I mean it is about them...but as everyone keeps saying, it is a family disease! If this is a family disease...why does all the attention go to him in the recovery? Is that normal in the initial stages? Am I trying to rush things?

I know I probably sound like a lunatic...and I apologize. I just want so very badly for life to have some normalcy.

wanttobehealthy

I'm headed to bed shortly bc I've been sick all week but read your post and wanted to offer you a virtual hug. I've been where you are. You open up, express feelings, think its not too much to think you might get a response to shows the A can think of anyone other than himself and sure enough you get nothing. And then the screaming at you on the phone, twisting and misinterpreting everything you say and trying to make it your fault that he's threatening to drink... I'm so sorry. It's not your place to appease and support and coddle your AH and it's so sad to read your post bc I remember the feelings you are describing and my heart goes out to you. I can recall asking xah to hear me out, or wishing he'd care about how I felt EVER and when he'd get pissy bc I asked that of him then I'd backpedal and try and reassure him I was there for him, cared about him etc... Infect like my entire existence was about managing his anger and agitation and tried constantly to find ways to keep,him happy (which of course was impossible).

Hang in there- thinking of you!

LexieCat

No, you don't sound like a lunatic. You sound like someone with a husband in VERY early recovery.

Your feelings are, of course, valid. HOWEVER, you are looking for validation in the wrong place right now. IF he continues with his recovery, you will see amazing improvement. But it doesn't happen overnight, and it doesn't happen in eight days, either. Or a month. Or two months.

Obviously, you do not have to put up with his behavior, any more than you HAD to when he was drinking. You can leave him. Apparently you do not want to do that--you want to save your marriage--assuming, of course, that he gets/stays sober.

So, assuming that is your goal, what I suggest you do is to get busy with Al-Anon, and with the rest of your life. Vent here if you have to.

Alcoholic drinking causes actual brain damage. It may take months and months before you start seeing the kind of loving behavior you want to see. In the meantime, practice your detachment skills. The way he is acting isn't about you. It is about where his head is right now.

I was a mental and emotional mess for months and months when I quit drinking. I was often grateful to be living alone so nobody had to put up with me.

luv2teachkids

Lexie- You always seem to have the right words to say to make me breathe again. I went to Alanon last night and Monday. There isn't a meeting close to my house on Wednesdays, but there is one tomorrow, so I will go. I think it is going to mean the difference of keeping my sanity during this or losing it.

As for my choice to stay? I want to stay, I do. BUT..with that said, I have also found that I can be happy alone again....and sad to say, I am almost happier alone. If things were really good again, perhapsI would not feel that way. I don't want to give up..and my kids are begging me not to give up, so for now, I am trying.

LexieCat

That's OK. And maybe eventually you will decide that alone is where you want to be. And that's OK, too.

Just take it a day at a time. Your feelings may change over time; his behavior may change over time. Nothing has to be figured out this second. Keep breathing, keep taking good care of yourself. Everything is all over the place right now. Let the dust settle.

YOU are gonna be OK, no matter what--remember that!

Neagrm

Thanks for sharing about your process. Continue learning about taking care of yourself and you'll get through.

I was reminded of this reading in Courage to Change, dated January 2:

"Turning to an alcoholic for affection and support can be like going to a hardware store for bread. Perhaps we expect a 'good' parent to nurture and support our feelings, or a 'loving' spouse to comfort and hold us when we are afraid, or a 'caring' child to want to pitch in when we a ill or overwhelmed. While these loved ones may not meet our expectations, it is our expectations, not our loved ones, that have let us down.

"Love is expressed in many ways, and those affected by alcoholism may not be able to express it the way we would like. But we can try to recognize love whenever and however it is offered. When it is not, we don't have to feel deprived; most of us find an unfailing source of love in Al-Anon. With the encouragement and support of others, we learn to treat our needs as important and appropriate, and to treat ourselves as deserving.

"Today's Reminder: Today the alcoholic may or may not be able to give us what we desire. And no one person will ever offer all that we require. If we stop insisting that our needs be met according to our will, we may discover that all the love and support we need is already at our fingertips.
'In Al-Anon I discover in myself the power to throw new light on a seemingly hopeless situation. I learn I must use this power, not to change the alcoholic, over whom I am powerless, but to overcome my own distorted ideas and attitudes.' ODAT"

Recovering2

He is only 9 (as of today) days into his recovery. Based on my experience with my RABF, I would suggest that you're expecting a lot from him right now. It was at least 3 months before things became even a little bit normal between my BF and me. I was frustrated too! He was very focused on recovery, which often meant I didn't feel like I got a lot of attention. Luckily, with AlAnon and a great counselor, I learned to be grateful that he was sober and give him the space to do his recovery work. I stayed on my side of the street and worked on me.

He likely has a lot on his plate right now, and may stil be in a bit of a fog from the addiction. Maybe instead of being upset that he didn't put his arms around you in bed, be grateful that he got a good night's sleep which will set him up to be better prepared in getting through one more day of recovery.

I hope he continues on his recovery path, and hope you keep the focus on your own recovery. Have faith, it can get better.

luv2teachkids

Thank you, Recovering2....

I have felt very guilty thinking that I am expecting too much. I have felt even more guilty feeling that I am thinking about my needs instead of his so much too. I guess after wanting normalcy for so long and not getting it, I feel like it is owed to me to get it now, you know? I realize that it is probably too soon though

He is in my constant prayers, and I am thankful he is not drinking. I guess I just have to keep busy and do my own thing to avoid these feelings I am having..

AnvilheadII

can i make a suggestion....save the important/heavy stuff for face to face communication...do not rely on emails or texts because they are "easier" and avoid getting into heated conversations with anyone while driving or who IS driving. and learn NOT to be in constant contact.

learn to use "I" statements...when you did not hold me last nite, I FELT <fill in the blank> and woke up feeling mad and out of sorts. do not expect him to be able to read your mind and give up the notion that you can read his.

he's 9 little days off the sauce. he's a mess and will be for some time. i think for me it was around 3 years sober when i really started feeling SOLID and whole. at 9 days? coo coo for cocoa puffs!

time takes time, hon. sobriety takes lots of time.

luv2teachkids

I prefer one on one contact...but I have learned that I can't get in a full sentence if I do that! He cuts me off at every phrase and turns it all around into a million pieces that were never intended. I am very good at using "I statements" (I am a teacher and insist on them with my little friends), but even those don't get taken right...he instantly thinks I am attacking him regardless if I use an I statement or not..

What I am super guilty of is being in constant contact with him and talking to him while he and/or I are driving. That, I will have to work on quite a bit!

I get that it will take time...I guess I am just impatient. I feel like it has taken years to get to this point..why should I have to wait years more to have a normal life?

Sigh....giving up is not what I want to do. Again, powerless over all of it, I know..

AnvilheadII

maybe it's time to quit looking TO HIM to GIVE you that normal life, and just get busy HAVING one anyways! frustration comes from having unmet needs and looking outward to OTHERS to meet those needs. alcoholics reach out, grab a bottle, and drown those needs into silence.

what that constant contact does is continually erase any lines of division between the two parties...there is no end to one and beginning of the other. it's total enmeshment. nobody is allowed to have a lone thought much less breathe their own air.

my husband and i kiss goodbye in the morning (he leaves first) and the next contact is when he gets home, him calling me to see how far away i am to make sure the dogs are in when i arrive and open the front gate. during this conversation we might discuss any grocery items i might need to pick up. yesterday i told him the M's game was just getting underway. and that was the SUM total of the conversation....the game is on and could you grab some bread on the way home.

it's an interesting dynamic that you say that verbally he is accusatory, hostile, possibly even abusive, and yet you get MAD when he doesn't HOLD you. so the same guy that gives you the verbal beat down is the one you turn to for physical contact and reassurance. think about the inner conflict that creates for YOU.

luv2teachkids

You are totally right, Anvil...just confirms how messed up I am. I am trying to tear away from talking to him during the day. I'm doing a little better with that. I could use more separation though. I find when undo my own thing at work, I am very happy. The minute I get an email, text, or call, usually something negative enters my day.

Sigh...more reason to think I'm just as messed up as he is. ;(

dandylion

Dear luv2teach, I know how you feel when it seems that your own legitimate needs for affection and reassurance are ignored. When you don't feel valued by your partner. In a normal , healthy relationship, each other's needs for intimacy and nurturance are, at least, adequately addressed. It is normal to want these things in a marital relationship, and I don't feel that you are "wrong" to want them.

Where the rub is that active alcoholism and early recovery don't make for a "normal" relationship. Without a doubt--the relationship has been one-sided for quite some times. I suspect that your backlog of unmet needs has grown very large, over time--while you were busy trying to fix the relationship and keep it afloat.

I know the feeling of thinking that the minute they "quit drinking"--that t he sun would come out and the birds would chirp, and angels would burst forth in song. All that has been wrong would be made right. (my fantasy). When we find out that instead---it is actually going to get worse before it gets better--naturally, we feel angry and disillusioned. At minimum, we feel impatient.

It is soo easy to forget that there is a tornado going on inside the alcoholic's brain. Without the thing that they have relied on for years to cope with life--their nerves are frayed to the maximum.

For these reasons, the above suggestions from Anvilhead and others makes good sense. Stepping way back from the alcoholic (for now) would seem to be in YOUR best interest. It is o.k. to take a sabbatical for yourself, right now. In other words--cut some slack for the BOTH of you, for now.

By the way--was there ever a time when he did hold you at night or give you needs first billing---like, before the alcoholism gobbled up so much???

sincerely, dandylion

luv2teachkids

Yes, he is faithful in holding me at night, as long as he is not angry. The minute he is frustrated with me or my kids, I "get punished" and he will turn over and be as far away as possible from me.

As for my needs coming first..that has never been the case in my relationship with him. I have always catered to all his needs. I do all laundry, have watched his kids all summer (I'm a teacher and have summers off) or during the weekends while he would work and they'd be here, etc. That was the case even before we married. I am the primary caregiver for all five children (his and mine). My needs...they are met when I give myself time.

AnvilheadII

what ARE your needs in a relationship? your minimum requirement?

trust, respect, acceptance, admiration....integrity, ethics.....friendship, companionship. could you spend 3 days in a small space, just the two of you, and want to be nowhere else?

intimacy can occur without physical contact. in fact, the majority of intimacy has nothing to do with physical contact. it's the sharing of ideas, thoughts, opinions, interests and concerns in a safe environment. liking the person is by far more important than "love". love involves too many elements...desire, dreams, past, hormones, chemical response....but to LIKE someone is a more fact based cognizant decision.

this morning before I left for work a bald eagle landed at the end of our dock. we had no choice but to sit and watch, trading the binoculars back and forth. we could not walk AWAY...to do so would have been an insult to the gift of having such a magnificent predator bird feel "safe" enough to hang at your place for a bit. even the omnipresent crows who had harassed him endlessly when he sat in the top branches of the tree across the lake earlier, ceased their torment. then finally, he launched himself off, a wingspan covering at least 6 feet, swoop, swoop, and away he went.

THAT was more than intimacy, it was a shared enthrallment, almost a rapture. nothing mattered but watching the eagle, and sharing the moment. are THEY when you see something spectacular and you want to turn to say, did you SEE that?

wicked

Huge raptor taking off in flight. Powerful and beautiful.
Yes, the person I want feels that way too!

luv2teach,
I have written down somewhere, it really touched me and made sense.
Loving someone is knowing all their faults and loving them anyway.
I do not have it exactly right but the idea is there.

Wait for his head to calm down. I am sure I was wackadoodle the first nine days.
If you know each other well from before the alcoholism, it will come back, but it will take time. Take care of yourself now, and let him do his job on himself.
It is overwhelming at first (to quit drinking) takes a while to get used to the idea, it is just for now.
He is reacting like this just for now. IF this continues beyond a certain time or stage, you will know, and pushing it is like using a john deere tractor in a window box.
You have all this love and support to give. He is not ready to receive it. (But that remains his problem, completely).
Just move back and do you.
He punishes you by not holding you at night?
that sucks, well, it would for me anyway.

Be easy on yourself, you deserve it.

Beth

Keep going to those meetings, everyone there will hug you!