Are You Sick of Me Yet??????
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Southern CA
Posts: 26
Are You Sick of Me Yet??????
Hi Again
I guess I am starting to use this place as my own personal diary. I am terrified that the administrators are going to tell me that I post too often and am using up too much valuable space with my petty problems. You all are probably sick of hearing my plight as well and wish I would crawl into a hole and just have my baby. But it helps me so much to get it out . . .
Today hubby (after work) did not show up. Wonder where he was? He coaches my daughters basketball team and works at a well known youth facility here in our area. Tonight he is due to work for 3 hours or so.
Anyway, he does not show up on time after work (his first, main job), so I know he is drinking. Showed up not drunk, but I could tell and smell the beer. He offered to "help" me earlier today by taking my daughter to basketball with him, and I agreed, but of course he broke my no drinking and driving with the kids boundary, so when he got home I was sweet as pie and told him I would take her, she had some homework to finish. Okay, Okay, everything was fine, then all of a sudden he took offense to the way I was acting. Said I was smug and smirking. Said I was no fun, I just needed to learn how to relax and enjoy my life, I really don't have it so bad. I just looked at him, laughed, and said of course he would say that, I don't drink with him. It exploded from there.
I got sucked in again. I told him again that he is sick, and that he is NOT special, that he will be found out, and that I don't need to hear it from him right now, so SHUT UP!!!! I heard how selfish and horrible I am to him and my children. I heard how brutal I am and how horribly I talk to everyone. How verbally abusive I am (YEAH RIGHT!, as he is calling me a bitc* and a cun*). That I need to work on myself and accept the fact that I have severe problems. I told him I do not believe a word he says and he could just go away because he would not convince me. I could not help but laugh at the things he was saying to me, because it was all of the things that I would love to say to him but never do. Talk about projection! He just became more and more enraged and loud (even the dog was shaking) in front of my 17 month old, and told me to stop saying he was sick.
The laughing at him did not help. I told him he is an alcoholic, and if he did not want to do anything about it, whatever. I told him I am not doing anything about it for him, so he could just go away and leave me in peace and go find someone who cared about what he was saying. He was screaming, ranting, raving, and kept yelling at the top of his lungs about how hard he worked for us and no one cares, no one cares, no one appreciates him, everyone treats him like shi*, etc. He screamed at me to leave my daughter at home, do not take her to basketball tonight, he did not want to see me. My daughter, who was in her room but could hear, started bawling.
He then left (I thought for good), and was taking a while, so I looked outside and found him going through my purse and taking all of the money out. He burned through the $20 I gave him yesterday and the $10 the day before that. He tried to get some out of me today by saying he needs cigarettes, and I told him I would buy him some because I was going to the store. He can't use the old "I need gas" excuse, because I made sure that we both went together and filled both of the cars up to the max 2 days ago.
I never explained the money issues we have here, really, but here it is: We can not have checks because he writes bad ones. I pay for everything with money orders. We can not have an ATM because he will take it every time he gets mad and go to the casino. I can not leave any money in the bank because he will go and take it out when he gets mad. He refuses to follow a budget. So I keep no money in the bank, no ATM, and no checks. I keep cash on me and stash (hide, I should say) it so that he can not find it. I keep very little money in my purse because he will go through it and take money out. I try to be fair and allocate money out to him for spending money, but he will spend it all in one day. And to top it all off, he is constantly harping on ME about spending money, and freaking out if he thinks I spend too much (must be projection again)
Anyway, He went throught my purse, was dumping it out everywhere in a rage, and found all of $8.00 (I may be dumb, but I am not stupid). I let him take it and was hoping he would leave, because we were in the driveway and he was screaming at me at the top of his lungs. I went back inside, and 2 minutes later he was back inside screaming at me - asking me where the money was. I told him there was none (I was lying, but I was not about to have him take it all out of my hiding place). He then started ranting and raving all over again, calling me every name in the book, saying that he works for nothing, I spend all of our money on nothing, that I would no longer be handling the money, that I am horrible, getting in my face and threatening me for money. I just sat there and agreed with him and told him there is no money. I don't care, I have been burned and left with no money too many times by him, I will protect myself and my kids. My daughter even hides her money in her room because he has taken it before and gone to the casino (she does not know he took it, because I replaced it, but I told her to make sure to put it in a safe spot only she knows about).
He then kicked one of the baby gates that I had up and broke it, causing it to fly across the room. In front of my son. He then took my car keys and told me I am not allowed to drive the minivan anymore (his parents bought it for me and the kids). He put them back, but still, what was that all about? He also tried to take the baby and put him in the car like he was leaving with him. I don't think so!!! That was not going to fly.
He finally left, left me all shaken up, and crying. My daughter came out and asked if she was still going to basketball. I said no I don't think so, and she was really upset. So I called his parents and asked them if they would take her. (Did I mention that the team they are playing is coached by hiS MOM AND DAD?) His mom, bless her heart asked me what was wrong (she really does not want to know, but will ask. I learned not to tell her), I told her that I did not want to get into it, but could they please do this for me, and my daughter really wanted to go. So they did. They really are good people, just old school and can not accept that their baby is sick.
So here I am. I am dreading him coming home because who knows what he will be like. He can be very abusive when he is like this. He has not really ever hit me, but will spit on me, get in my face, keep me from getting up, take the baby from me, threaten me, and threatens to call the police if I try to leave. I know this is all abusive behavior - some other time I will tell you about the time I spent 5 days in an abused women's shelter. If I just ignore him, he usually will just leave me alone. So this is my plan.
Thanks for letting me vent once again. Sorry if you are sick of me . . . just tell me to shut up and I will.
20 days to go until my due date . . .
I guess I am starting to use this place as my own personal diary. I am terrified that the administrators are going to tell me that I post too often and am using up too much valuable space with my petty problems. You all are probably sick of hearing my plight as well and wish I would crawl into a hole and just have my baby. But it helps me so much to get it out . . .
Today hubby (after work) did not show up. Wonder where he was? He coaches my daughters basketball team and works at a well known youth facility here in our area. Tonight he is due to work for 3 hours or so.
Anyway, he does not show up on time after work (his first, main job), so I know he is drinking. Showed up not drunk, but I could tell and smell the beer. He offered to "help" me earlier today by taking my daughter to basketball with him, and I agreed, but of course he broke my no drinking and driving with the kids boundary, so when he got home I was sweet as pie and told him I would take her, she had some homework to finish. Okay, Okay, everything was fine, then all of a sudden he took offense to the way I was acting. Said I was smug and smirking. Said I was no fun, I just needed to learn how to relax and enjoy my life, I really don't have it so bad. I just looked at him, laughed, and said of course he would say that, I don't drink with him. It exploded from there.
I got sucked in again. I told him again that he is sick, and that he is NOT special, that he will be found out, and that I don't need to hear it from him right now, so SHUT UP!!!! I heard how selfish and horrible I am to him and my children. I heard how brutal I am and how horribly I talk to everyone. How verbally abusive I am (YEAH RIGHT!, as he is calling me a bitc* and a cun*). That I need to work on myself and accept the fact that I have severe problems. I told him I do not believe a word he says and he could just go away because he would not convince me. I could not help but laugh at the things he was saying to me, because it was all of the things that I would love to say to him but never do. Talk about projection! He just became more and more enraged and loud (even the dog was shaking) in front of my 17 month old, and told me to stop saying he was sick.
The laughing at him did not help. I told him he is an alcoholic, and if he did not want to do anything about it, whatever. I told him I am not doing anything about it for him, so he could just go away and leave me in peace and go find someone who cared about what he was saying. He was screaming, ranting, raving, and kept yelling at the top of his lungs about how hard he worked for us and no one cares, no one cares, no one appreciates him, everyone treats him like shi*, etc. He screamed at me to leave my daughter at home, do not take her to basketball tonight, he did not want to see me. My daughter, who was in her room but could hear, started bawling.
He then left (I thought for good), and was taking a while, so I looked outside and found him going through my purse and taking all of the money out. He burned through the $20 I gave him yesterday and the $10 the day before that. He tried to get some out of me today by saying he needs cigarettes, and I told him I would buy him some because I was going to the store. He can't use the old "I need gas" excuse, because I made sure that we both went together and filled both of the cars up to the max 2 days ago.
I never explained the money issues we have here, really, but here it is: We can not have checks because he writes bad ones. I pay for everything with money orders. We can not have an ATM because he will take it every time he gets mad and go to the casino. I can not leave any money in the bank because he will go and take it out when he gets mad. He refuses to follow a budget. So I keep no money in the bank, no ATM, and no checks. I keep cash on me and stash (hide, I should say) it so that he can not find it. I keep very little money in my purse because he will go through it and take money out. I try to be fair and allocate money out to him for spending money, but he will spend it all in one day. And to top it all off, he is constantly harping on ME about spending money, and freaking out if he thinks I spend too much (must be projection again)
Anyway, He went throught my purse, was dumping it out everywhere in a rage, and found all of $8.00 (I may be dumb, but I am not stupid). I let him take it and was hoping he would leave, because we were in the driveway and he was screaming at me at the top of his lungs. I went back inside, and 2 minutes later he was back inside screaming at me - asking me where the money was. I told him there was none (I was lying, but I was not about to have him take it all out of my hiding place). He then started ranting and raving all over again, calling me every name in the book, saying that he works for nothing, I spend all of our money on nothing, that I would no longer be handling the money, that I am horrible, getting in my face and threatening me for money. I just sat there and agreed with him and told him there is no money. I don't care, I have been burned and left with no money too many times by him, I will protect myself and my kids. My daughter even hides her money in her room because he has taken it before and gone to the casino (she does not know he took it, because I replaced it, but I told her to make sure to put it in a safe spot only she knows about).
He then kicked one of the baby gates that I had up and broke it, causing it to fly across the room. In front of my son. He then took my car keys and told me I am not allowed to drive the minivan anymore (his parents bought it for me and the kids). He put them back, but still, what was that all about? He also tried to take the baby and put him in the car like he was leaving with him. I don't think so!!! That was not going to fly.
He finally left, left me all shaken up, and crying. My daughter came out and asked if she was still going to basketball. I said no I don't think so, and she was really upset. So I called his parents and asked them if they would take her. (Did I mention that the team they are playing is coached by hiS MOM AND DAD?) His mom, bless her heart asked me what was wrong (she really does not want to know, but will ask. I learned not to tell her), I told her that I did not want to get into it, but could they please do this for me, and my daughter really wanted to go. So they did. They really are good people, just old school and can not accept that their baby is sick.
So here I am. I am dreading him coming home because who knows what he will be like. He can be very abusive when he is like this. He has not really ever hit me, but will spit on me, get in my face, keep me from getting up, take the baby from me, threaten me, and threatens to call the police if I try to leave. I know this is all abusive behavior - some other time I will tell you about the time I spent 5 days in an abused women's shelter. If I just ignore him, he usually will just leave me alone. So this is my plan.
Thanks for letting me vent once again. Sorry if you are sick of me . . . just tell me to shut up and I will.
20 days to go until my due date . . .
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Anywhere but here
Posts: 44
2nd Best, I will never get sick of you. I truly feel for you and I wish I had some words of wisdom, but I don't right now. All I can do is tell you to keep coming back and keep venting because it really does help. Take care of you and your kids. Huge hugs sent your way.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 407
2nd Best -
Go back and read your post. Now pretend that someone else wrote it and you want to respond to that person. What would you say to her? Do you really feel that you and the kids are safe? How about that unborn baby? If his words and actions are escalating you need to be very careful. Please don't take any chances. If your instincts are warning you, please listen to them. It could save you and your kids alot of pain and grief. Take care.
Hugs, Jo
Go back and read your post. Now pretend that someone else wrote it and you want to respond to that person. What would you say to her? Do you really feel that you and the kids are safe? How about that unborn baby? If his words and actions are escalating you need to be very careful. Please don't take any chances. If your instincts are warning you, please listen to them. It could save you and your kids alot of pain and grief. Take care.
Hugs, Jo
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: black diamond WA
Posts: 203
2nd best- hugs to you, praying for your safety. Do you have a safe place to stay until he does calm down? About one year ago we had many such episodes, and that was finally what I needed to wake up and set some boundaries. I had always been afraid of him leaving, but when I finally decided that I was ready, it was he who was scared, and his behavior changed radically. I can't answer for you, but I do know that you and your kids deserve feeling safe in your home. I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this right now..... ever! Take care!
Pam
Pam
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Wait a minute ... excuse me ....
... but you're subjecting your kids to this moron?????? Children are VERY perceptive and they pick up on this type of stuff. I know you've heard of Adult Children of Alcoholics - they have a huge burden to bear having to grow up in the home of an A, not to mention one who has violent tendencies. What's this so-called man going to do for an encore - kick you in the stomach??
Sorry for sounding so harsh, but when it comes to the truly innocent victims (children and animals) who have NO choice in being subjected to this sort of crap, I say you get out and go live with family or friends. You're exposing your children to this and it is now YOUR responsibility to remove them from this potentially harmful situation. Go stay with family or friends. If your A decides to straighten up, then you can consider going back.
Sorry for sounding so harsh, but when it comes to the truly innocent victims (children and animals) who have NO choice in being subjected to this sort of crap, I say you get out and go live with family or friends. You're exposing your children to this and it is now YOUR responsibility to remove them from this potentially harmful situation. Go stay with family or friends. If your A decides to straighten up, then you can consider going back.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Dear Best,
I have to agree with Prodigal you need to get you and the kids away from him especially with you being pregnant. It is too much stress for you in your condition. I think you are trying to cover for him and it is hurting you and your kids to hear him screaming like that even the unborn can hear what is going on and feel your tention. Best this is too much honey get out before he causes more damage. Just because you don't have a black eye or busted lip doen't mean you are not being violated and it is hurting your children as well to hear their dad calling you horrible names. This stuff goes deep into a childs soul. I know because I have been there. Do you want your daughter to grow up and marry someone like that? You are teaching her that this is what she is to look for. It is not good or right. Are you afraid his parents are going to find out? I think they need a wake up call honey.
I have to agree with Prodigal you need to get you and the kids away from him especially with you being pregnant. It is too much stress for you in your condition. I think you are trying to cover for him and it is hurting you and your kids to hear him screaming like that even the unborn can hear what is going on and feel your tention. Best this is too much honey get out before he causes more damage. Just because you don't have a black eye or busted lip doen't mean you are not being violated and it is hurting your children as well to hear their dad calling you horrible names. This stuff goes deep into a childs soul. I know because I have been there. Do you want your daughter to grow up and marry someone like that? You are teaching her that this is what she is to look for. It is not good or right. Are you afraid his parents are going to find out? I think they need a wake up call honey.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
We are all here for you, and yes very good to vent. I want soooo much to help.
If you have gone to a shelter befor, I think if me ,I would try to go again, and right now, or go to a different one.
Like someone said, next he may hit or kick you in the stomach, that happens way too often. Please go. Perhaps the shelter would let you post to us that you are safe and sound. Hugs Love You Clancy46
If you have gone to a shelter befor, I think if me ,I would try to go again, and right now, or go to a different one.
Like someone said, next he may hit or kick you in the stomach, that happens way too often. Please go. Perhaps the shelter would let you post to us that you are safe and sound. Hugs Love You Clancy46
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
1st Best
Nope not yet. Keep posting till we tell you we are.
I am sure that those who setup and run this wonderful site are more concerned with the wellbeing of people then they ever would be with how much bandwidth one person uses. Your posts have been minimil even if they were counting.
Keep us posted. Do you know...boy or girl? Don't tell me *LOL* I like a suprise. In 14 days or so, we all will know.
Keep yourself safe so you can keep your babies safe.
Prayers for you.
Nope not yet. Keep posting till we tell you we are.
I am sure that those who setup and run this wonderful site are more concerned with the wellbeing of people then they ever would be with how much bandwidth one person uses. Your posts have been minimil even if they were counting.
Keep us posted. Do you know...boy or girl? Don't tell me *LOL* I like a suprise. In 14 days or so, we all will know.
Keep yourself safe so you can keep your babies safe.
Prayers for you.
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
2ndBest,
There is only one thing that Al-anon gives advice on. That is physical danger. Have a plan. Don't put yourself or your children in harms way. Don't delusion yourself into thinking you are safe when you are not. You are the only one who can decide, so try to think as rationally as you can about this. It is nothing to toy with or blow off. Take care of yourself and your children. Hugs, Magic
There is only one thing that Al-anon gives advice on. That is physical danger. Have a plan. Don't put yourself or your children in harms way. Don't delusion yourself into thinking you are safe when you are not. You are the only one who can decide, so try to think as rationally as you can about this. It is nothing to toy with or blow off. Take care of yourself and your children. Hugs, Magic
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
2ndbest...if you weren't posting after the above we would be sending a search party!
Please take care of yourself and to hell with him. Any man that would put his pregnant wife and his family through what you describe is no man at all in my book. Often I recommend people look at the person with the alcohol removed and see what you have.
(((Hugs)))
JT
Please take care of yourself and to hell with him. Any man that would put his pregnant wife and his family through what you describe is no man at all in my book. Often I recommend people look at the person with the alcohol removed and see what you have.
(((Hugs)))
JT
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Birthplace of Rock & Roll, Home of the Blues
Posts: 233
Like many of the other posts, I agree that the top priority is YOU and YOUR children must be safe. Do you have a responsible person who is going to take care of your children when you have the baby? I know you've mentioned having a plan b etc. You have a great deal on your plate at the moment. Just remember to be safe and if your gut says get out now, do it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Southern CA
Posts: 26
Well, I must admit that I was just venting, and did not expect so many people to have such a harsh reaction. I guess I just shared too much.
Let me assure everyone that neither myself or my children are in any danger from my husband. I would not be here if we were. I am also not in denial. I, as well as my oldest daughter both go to individual counseling, the counselor is fully aware of the situation. We are all safe here. My A is just a jerk.
I want everyone to know that I am an extremely good mother, my kids always come first, always. Even above him. I am not trying to screw up my kids because I am so desperate and needy for a relationship.
I am not some pitiful person sitting at home and feeling sorry for myself, and dependent on a man for my every need. I am trying to be very proactive about alanon and taking care of myself and my children, and finding out as much as possible. For now, I choose to stay. This could change at a moment's notice, and I would find a way to survive.
I truly appreciate all of the help and advice you all have given me, but I must say this post made me feel worse, because now I feel like I am being judged a little bit. I am trying so hard to do all of the right things for all of us, my children and myself, and this place has become a safe haven for me to share what is going on.
I guess there is such a thing as sharing too much . . .
Just for the record, we spoke for two hours this morning, and he finally, (first time in about 6 months) agreed that he has a drinking problem and he is out of control. I also got an apology, something I rarely ever get.
Hopefully he will do something about it. . . if not, I will. I have at least learned that much here.
Signed,
(Not Second) Best
Let me assure everyone that neither myself or my children are in any danger from my husband. I would not be here if we were. I am also not in denial. I, as well as my oldest daughter both go to individual counseling, the counselor is fully aware of the situation. We are all safe here. My A is just a jerk.
I want everyone to know that I am an extremely good mother, my kids always come first, always. Even above him. I am not trying to screw up my kids because I am so desperate and needy for a relationship.
I am not some pitiful person sitting at home and feeling sorry for myself, and dependent on a man for my every need. I am trying to be very proactive about alanon and taking care of myself and my children, and finding out as much as possible. For now, I choose to stay. This could change at a moment's notice, and I would find a way to survive.
I truly appreciate all of the help and advice you all have given me, but I must say this post made me feel worse, because now I feel like I am being judged a little bit. I am trying so hard to do all of the right things for all of us, my children and myself, and this place has become a safe haven for me to share what is going on.
I guess there is such a thing as sharing too much . . .
Just for the record, we spoke for two hours this morning, and he finally, (first time in about 6 months) agreed that he has a drinking problem and he is out of control. I also got an apology, something I rarely ever get.
Hopefully he will do something about it. . . if not, I will. I have at least learned that much here.
Signed,
(Not Second) Best
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Not Second Best,
I saw a whole lot of love and concern for you and your kids in the replies here. I don't think it was anyone's intention to be harsh. We've very protective of our own here in Sober Recoveryville. And you my dear, have become one of our own.
This is a safe haven and you can share all you want.
Hugs,
Gabe
I saw a whole lot of love and concern for you and your kids in the replies here. I don't think it was anyone's intention to be harsh. We've very protective of our own here in Sober Recoveryville. And you my dear, have become one of our own.
This is a safe haven and you can share all you want.
Hugs,
Gabe
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Originally Posted by Gabe
Not Second Best,
I saw a whole lot of love and concern for you and your kids in the replies here. I don't think it was anyone's intention to be harsh. We've very protective of our own here in Sober Recoveryville. And you my dear, have become one of our own.
This is a safe haven and you can share all you want.
Hugs,
Gabe
I saw a whole lot of love and concern for you and your kids in the replies here. I don't think it was anyone's intention to be harsh. We've very protective of our own here in Sober Recoveryville. And you my dear, have become one of our own.
This is a safe haven and you can share all you want.
Hugs,
Gabe
A concern and outpouring of love. We are all brothers and sisters here and watch out for each other.
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Hi...I never thought you were being physically abused...and only you know what is or is not enough. I would like to steer you toward not reacting when he goes off on you. At least that way you won't be fighting as often. The only one you can change is you and unless one of you changes you will keep on dancing the same dance. You happen to be the first one of you who gets that, so you get to lead...
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Birthplace of Rock & Roll, Home of the Blues
Posts: 233
Share, vent, post as much as you WANT to!!!
People were just very concerned for your safety because we care. Please don't confuse concern for criticism.
So please keep posting, sharing and venting!
People were just very concerned for your safety because we care. Please don't confuse concern for criticism.
So please keep posting, sharing and venting!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Southern CA
Posts: 26
Okay, you all, I'm sorry. Chalk it up to the oversensitivity of pregnant hormones.
I do agree with you Just Tired, about the reacting thing. He has been able to suck me in the past couple of days to his nonsense, when I have been doing so well to avoid or end it before it ever starts. He absolutely does not act like that if I don't sit there and listen to him and fight back. It just adds fuel to his fire.
In a way, it was my slip up (though not my fault!) in actually fighting with him instead of walking away. I will have to work harder on myself and not reacting to his nonsense. Detach, Detach, Detach!!!!
Thanks again to all of you!
I do agree with you Just Tired, about the reacting thing. He has been able to suck me in the past couple of days to his nonsense, when I have been doing so well to avoid or end it before it ever starts. He absolutely does not act like that if I don't sit there and listen to him and fight back. It just adds fuel to his fire.
In a way, it was my slip up (though not my fault!) in actually fighting with him instead of walking away. I will have to work harder on myself and not reacting to his nonsense. Detach, Detach, Detach!!!!
Thanks again to all of you!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: close to the FLAMES!!
Posts: 129
NOT second best~
Just wanted to let you know that you can post however long you want to here! No one will ever kick you off. Your feelings matter just as much as anyone else's.
Also, I agree with Gabe and the others. The posts are only out of concern, we all love you and are placing no judgement on you or your situation. That is not what we're here for. We are here to help you get through this stressful time in your life, to be here to listen, support you in your choices, and to give advice when you ask for it.
Take care of yourself, girl!
-sfg29
Just wanted to let you know that you can post however long you want to here! No one will ever kick you off. Your feelings matter just as much as anyone else's.
Also, I agree with Gabe and the others. The posts are only out of concern, we all love you and are placing no judgement on you or your situation. That is not what we're here for. We are here to help you get through this stressful time in your life, to be here to listen, support you in your choices, and to give advice when you ask for it.
Take care of yourself, girl!
-sfg29
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