Olive1

Hello All,

New here and I hope I am posting in the right place.
About me: Sober for just shy of 8 years and doing very fine in my recovery.
The issue is, I have been dating a guy off and on for the last 5 years. He was newly sober when we met, had 4 months. After about a year and a half, I was feeling like he had replaced me for alcohol as his addiction. I was feeling smothered. We split. Stayed friendly and then about a year later started doing stuff together again every so often, maybe once a month or so. Last summer we talked about dating exclusively again. He also told me that he was drinking beer again every once in a while and did that bother me. I said, not the boss of you, but I think you are on a slippery slope and please do not ever drink around me.
We usually see each other on weekends only and we talk on the phone every night.....which actually is great with me, I love my own space and am not interested in marriage or co-habitating at all any time soon. (Bad divorce 9 years ago)
Now I cannot prove that he has been drinking around me, but I am sometimes suspicious, and I have no idea how much he drinks during the week....but gut feeling tells me he does.
On the one hand, what he does during the week gives me my space that I crave and keeps him from smothering me again, on the other hand, I find myself resentful sometimes......of what exactly I don't know.
I feel that the relationship works for me on a lot of levels and if I break up with him, then there would be no going back again.
Anyway, thoughts on this?

Thanks!

Mountainmanbob

Olive1

"question
why would we want to date someone
if we knew there could never be a happy outcome ??"

I don't think I understand your question.
I think the relationship is working for me....in the parameters of what I want from a relationship right now in my life.
Just wondering what my resentments are all about, and what to do about them.....in the sense of dealing with an alcoholic in your life.

BlueSkies1

My thoughts on this are that you can't try to control another adult as to his drinking. You certainly can't control it from afar, and you can't even know his drinking patterns while you are apart.
Your gut is telling you something, but I'm not sure it is what you think it is. I think it is telling you to be suspicious. Suspicion is nasty business, especially without some very good solid evidence that jumps into your face. It creates crazy thoughts about monitoring someone. I know, because I've done it! In this case I wouldn't trust my gut that he is doing something "wrong", but that you are doing something wrong--being suspicious of him and trying to control him.
If YOU can't handle having a relationship with someone that drinks, then YOU need to exit the relationship. It is not his fault that you can't handle him drinking sometimes...if he's learned moderation, etc. It is not your job to try to figure out HOW MUCH he drinks. You already know he does drink, and that's that.
If he's alcoholic, or drinks excessively, (we don't know from what you wrote), and since it seems you don't even know, then your mind can start jumping to all kinds of crazy ideas. This is the type of creativity of imagination that can get us all in trouble. I'm a big fan of creative thinking, imagining, and what if's? But I like the kind that lead to creativity, not insanity...and I've been in both places.
Take that vivid imagination and put it to good use...finding your peace and serenity might be an idea what to do with it....

marie1960

Perhaps I'm not understanding your question...

If the relationship is working for you within your parameters, exactly what is the concern?

Blueskies brought up a valid point , are you possibly trying to control this situation? Is it possible that your gut instinct is telling you something here?

I guess I'm pretty old school here, I do not believe it's possible for a recovering addict to find moderation, IMHO, it's just a matter of time until the other behaviors and patterns present themselves.

Only you can decide what is best for you, but I see red flags and road blocks ahead.

Take care of you.

Olive1

Hi Bluskies1, thanks for the reply.
I honestly don't think I am trying to control him. The only discussion I have had with him about his drinking was the initial one where I requested that he not drink around me.
I can only go by all of his stories he told me in that first year of our relationship, and the stories of his friends, about whether he is an alcoholic or not. It sounded like it was a major, major problem.

It feels a bit like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.

BlueSkies1

Ok, let's go with that he had major problems with alcohol in the past. Now he drinks sometimes. The outcome of that? The future of that? The other shoe to drop?
We're still right back to you...futurizing...predicting...and trying to control him.
He likes alcohol. You don't want him to drink in your presence. Chances are sometime in the future he will drink in your presence, or be intoxicated before you get there, or be intoxicated while on the phone with you.
Who's to say I'm not having a drink right now typing to you?
I'm not. But my point still stands...you can't control him...or anybody else. I'm pointing out that you are triggered by alcohol.

YOU are having a problem when in a relationship with a boyfriend if he drinks. Realize that is your issue. You can't control it either, and if you create boundaries such as "never drink in my presence" I am quite sure that at some point that boundary is going to be broken.

So...you either have to get comfortable with the idea of a boyfriend that drinks, or you have to find one that doesn't.

Look at it this way. I smoke cigarettes. Let's say you are an exsmoker like my older sister is. She can't handle being around cigarette smoke. She gets very controlling. She doesn't want me to smoke in her presence. I smoke daily. The only way she can be sure of never being around me with a cigarette is to...never be around me, or be ready to run the second she sees me with one. Absolutely high tail it out of there...feet barely touching the ground. Are you ready to run from him at any given moment without notice?
Or can you handle seeing him with a drink in his hand?

You want a guaranttee from him that is never going to happen? I wouldn't look for one...you will more than likely be very disappointed sometime in the future.
Let's go even farther--you say he was alcoholic in his past. Then he is addicted to it, even if controlling how much he has right now. When we ask someone to change for us, we are usually disappointed. When we ask someone to do something they do regularly and not do it in our presence, we are likely to be disappointed.

Recovering2

I don't think this is as simple as having a boyfriend who drinks. Sounds like he's an Alcoholic. So if he's trying to drink in moderation, or control his drinking, that's going to eventually fail. Why do you want to go down that path? You're in recovery. You know it's a progressive disease. So if he's drinking now, eventually he'll be right back where he started. Do you want to go there with him???

You can't control it. But you can decide what you want in your own recovery. If you want to hook up with an A who is drinking again, that's your choice. I would advise against it, but not my life. I think the fact that you're on here questioning it should tell you your gut is trying to tell you something. If you choose to stay because it "works for you", then you have to let go of the drinking issue.

theseithakas

If he had a major, major problem (as you put it), and now he's actively drinking again...I just don't see this going good places. My A had a major, major problem, and was actively drinking again when we started dating (I didn't know that he had a problem and had been sober previously initially) and while it started out as just a few drinks sometimes, it eventually became a complete disaster. He's still struggling to stay sober for prolonged period of time (the longest he's made it so far has been ten months).

Do what's right for you, whatever that happens to be.

velma929

Are you in the market for marrying or co-habitating, ever?

In my maturity I follow the suggestion of a wise woman once opined, "There is no Mr. Right Now." She explained:

If you have an inkling, a feeling, (or hard knowledge) that this is not the person for you, every day you spend dreaming about him, every night you are with him, is time you are getting more attached to him. The more attached you are, the more entwined your lives are, the harder it will be at the end. And it will end, because you already suspect (or know) there is a deal breaker. Once a deal breaker rears its ugly head, every single date after that one is a waste of time. Every date with Mr. (or Ms) Right Now is time you could have spent looking for or dating Mr. Right.

Or developing your friendships, working on your backhand, knitting scarves, etc.

YMMV. Peace

Olive1

Thanks for all your responses! I see your point Blueskies1, as well as everyone elses. I guess, after reading all the responses, that my question boils down to: How do I stop myself from being so annoyed or eye-rolly about his seemingly alcoholic behaviors? For example.....talk on the phone, he has probably been drinking, doesn't remember the conversation the next day.

I think he is an alcoholic, just in denial. I am not going to tell him what to do. He has been sober before, he will be able to figure it out again.
For what the relationship is, it is working fine. Just want to stop myself from internally reacting to things, actual or imagined. A friend of mine told me Alanon, or an alanon environment, would be a good place for advice.

Make sense?

Olive1

Hi velma929,
I don't think I will get married again.
And the thought of sharing my space with someone kind of freaks me out.

Neagrm

Oh yes, Ohta, Al-Anon is a quality-of-life saver. Finding a good, healthy group has helped me get a handle on my own issues and obsessive thinking, including co-dependence, eating disorder, relationship with myself and with others/setting healthy boundaries; a great reality check; it makes my life worth living. Good luck to you. Wishing you peace and serenity.

wicked

Al Anon is wonderful.
The focus is on you, not the other (whether he is alcoholic or not).
Try at least 6 meetings is the usual advice.
I have gotten so much from the meetings.
I am in recovery from alcohol too.
I do not want to find another Mr. Right Now, but oh, so, so wrong later.
I am beginning to learn what I want.


Beth

SolTraveler

Maybe you can't. Maybe you have a boundary here that can't be crossed - you don't want to be with a drinker. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that at all.

I am with a man who drinks heavily on a binge basis. 2-3 nights a week he drinks too much, in my opinion. Does he always get drunk? No. But my instincts are triggered that he has a problem by the fact that he is completely unable to stop doing this a few nights per week. He tries, and can't. To the point that, like your guy, he will drink after work and try to hide it because he knows it bothers me.

Now, some would say he is not an alcoholic - but that isn't really the point. The point is, it isn't working for me. I want, and perhaps need, a guy who does not have to go to the bar to unwind. It is that simple. And the fact that his drinking bothers me is my problem because I can't control his drinking, and he has demonstrated time and again that he is not willing to quit. He is an adult.

I am struggling with coming to terms with the fact that his drinking and need to have lots of "friends" of both sexes triggers me. I am in recovery, doing very well, but my EXAH was an addict and cheated on me. So I went out and found someone else who has similar characteristics. And it is driving me crazy. I am annoyed by the fact that he needs this social life and the bar scene, and I can't get over it.

So my choices are the following. I can let it go. He is, as I said, an adult. If I am going to continue to live with him, I have to accept that he will continue to drink and he will continue to go out with me. I will have to let it go, at least until I can't handle it anymore and decide to leave.

Alternatively, I can leave now. This would probably save me a lot of heartache in the long run, as I will probably always be triggered and annoyed by his behavior. However, like you, the relationship does work for me on many levels and we are about to have a baby, which complicated matters a lot.

What I have decided is this: go to Al-Anon and work on my codie issues. If I am staying put for the time being, I must learn to focus on cleaning up my side of the street and learn to cope. In the meantime, I am biding my time in the relationship. I do not have to decide now, and I have faith that I will ultimately make the right decision when the time comes.

You can do the same. You do not have to decide, but if you do stay, you have to learn to cope and not allow his behaviors to make you crazy. And that is hard, but as the others said, Al-Anon can help.