Left him yesterday - for good?

Old 05-14-2013, 08:04 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 2
Left him yesterday - for good?

Hi everyone

Newbie poster here, desperate for some support from people who understand what it's like to love an addict. Some of this is me unburdening myself and some is looking for advice on what to do next. Really sorry for the long post!

I've been with my fiance for four years, and we have a 6 month old baby together. His cannabis habit started around the time I became pregnant, with him going from an occaisional to heavy-user very quickly.

The worst time, he was stoned for three days straight when our baby was just 4 weeks old - just a zombie lying on the sofa, only getting up to go outside for another smoke, demanding food and drinks. Awful. By then, I was just about the baby's sole carer - he did nothing for him at all apart from hold him when he felt like it. No help with those night time feeds, I was so exhausted I was like a zombie myself. But in the rare sober times I would see glimpses of the gentle, kind, loving, attentive - like the guy I fell in love with and agreed to marry.

Every time I tried to get him to stop cannabis, we would have an almighty row which usually ended in him promising to change, tearful and full of love, followed by a period of days were everything was wonderful before he slipped right back. The last time, I threw him out after I found a packet of cocaine he'd hidden and tipped it down the toilet - he went absolutely crazy, pulling me around the room by my hair.

We lived apart and after a few months where he lurched from one crisis to another (always relying on me to sort him out / pay his bill / give him money / find him a place to stay) he finally seemed to be getting his act together. He got himself a place to live, a steady job, and he said he was absolutely certain that drugs were the worst thing that had ever happened to him, the baby and I were all he lived for, and that he would never, ever touch drugs again. He said he had hit the bottom, and I wanted to believe he had changed so badly.

He wanted me to come back to him so to be certain I asked him to do a drugs test. It was positive for cocaine and cannabis. He was devastated, he said, because I wouldn't reunite with him, and stopped drugs long enough to pass the next test around a week later.

We got back together, taking it slow because of all the distrust that had built up while he was using. I told him that if he ever touched drugs again I would leave him, instantly, no more chances. I feel so vulnerable and frightened having the baby around him when he is doing drugs. He said that he understood and I could test him whenever I wanted and that I would be absolutely justified in leaving him if he did that.

Baby and I were staying a few nights a week with him, and he did everything that I could have hoped for, and that he never did before - getting up in the morning for the baby, playing with him, changing nappies - just generally being an engaged and interested dad.

I guess I was sort of bracing myself for a relapse, even though I hoped against hope that he would stay strong. But, last night, it all changed again. He came home late, and talking the way he did when he was stoned. I did a drugs test on him. It was positive. Of course, he said that the test was wrong. I packed up myself and the baby and left. I told him we were finished. He didn't try to stop me. Today, I'm getting phonecall after phonecall begging to talk to me - I'm not answering because I'm afraid if I talk to him I'll cave, like I usually do.

He has no family and I've always been the one he relies on, for pretty much everything. I feel like I'm the only one he can turn to, the only person who maybe has a chance to help him. It is ripping my heart out to close the door on the man I love. Lots of things going round in my head: My baby needs a dad. My baby needs a good dad. My baby needs stability, not crisis after crisis. What if my fiance does something bad to himself? What if he totally self-destructs without me to keep him anchored even a little bit? What do I do to keep my baby safe if he tries to abduct him (which he has threatened to do before)? Am I better off inside the relationship and trying to help him, than outside with him bouncing off the walls?

It all feels a horrible tangled mess, and that whatever I do will be lose/lose. I have no idea if I am doing the right thing. I miss the man who was my best friend. Any thoughts, insights or comments will be welcomed!
newmum is offline  
Old 05-14-2013, 05:57 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Ann
Nature Girl
 
Ann's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
he went absolutely crazy, pulling me around the room by my hair.
This hit me more than any of your other words. Sweetie, this man is an abuser and an addict. It may be hard but the best place you and your baby can be right now is away from him.

It may hurt now and in days to come, but one day it won't hurt so much and your life will have new beginnings. Staying with a man like this will hurt every single day, because the good days are an illusion and the bad ones will get worse.

Take a read around here and you will see many who have been where you are. Read the sticky posts at the top and maybe something there will help you find the courage you will need to start a new life.

I am so sorry you are hurting and glad you found us, you are among friends here.

Hugs
Ann is offline  
Old 05-14-2013, 09:29 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Kindeyes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Yes....we do understand what it's like to love an addict. We understand the confusion, anger, fear, obsession and chaos.

I was married to an addict many years ago. He was a lot like your fellow. And it was hard to leave him. Really hard. But I did it for my baby son and me. I knew that staying with him would not be a good life for us.

Take care of you and that little one. Let the full grown man take care of himself and decide what course his life is going to take. The baby needs a stable, loving and consistent parent.

Breathe and take it one day at a time.

gentle hugs
ke
Kindeyes is offline  
Old 05-15-2013, 12:46 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 178
I am sorry things are hard.

My ex started using (heroin) when my daughter was a few months old. It was
devastating.

Alanon helped me a lot.

We (me and my daughter) left her dad almost a year ago. I am happy I stayed away.
I think he is clean now but I am not sure. My daughter enjoys spending time with him
(I never leave them alone for now) and he is more and more interested in her. She
feels loved. I don't have any plans to move back in with him.

If your ex has any desires to be a father to your child he will find a way to be there
for him without you having to put yourself in harm's way.

You cannot change him, you cannot save him and you do need to take care of yourself
and your child. I hope you have a bit of family/friends support around.

Do check out Alanon.
February13 is offline  
Old 05-16-2013, 05:30 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 2
Thanks guys - it's great to hear words of experience from people who've been there. My friends and family think it's so 'black and white' - to them, why would any 'rational' person stay with a drug-addict?!

It's been three tough days now, and last night I had to report him to the police because he sat outside my house for six hours and wouldn't leave. Everything is a drama and a crisis with him - it is exhausting.

But when I feel I'm starting to crumble, I come on here and look at your words. Trying to keep strong for my baby. Good luck to everyone fighting their own battles - I pray that we all find peace.
newmum is offline  
Old 05-16-2013, 05:39 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Ann
Nature Girl
 
Ann's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
You are doing all the right things, sweetie. If anyone sat out front of my house for 6 hours, I'd call the police too. You are thinking "past" the love for him and going straight to the "safety" for you and your child. That's all good and will help you stay safe.

You are stronger than you know, and wiser than you think, just remember that and in times of crisis continue to do what you need to do to stay safe.

We all understand here, we too have struggles with the hard decisions when it came to our addicted loved ones, and the one common ground we all have is that we need to let go of the fear and just take good care of ourselves.

Hugs
Ann is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 07:33 PM.