broken101

Dear SR family,
I was thinking…what if I did contribute to my ex's betterment… I mean I don't think he is doing drugs, I know he drinks probably everyday but what if me being in his life and all that happened help changed him for the better?

I mean I will be happy if it has…but how was that any good for me? What did I get expect broken promised, a shattered heart and very thing else that I was left with picking up the pieces. I still do love and care for him but how is it fair that someone else will probably reap the benefits of all my pain? What if he changed that much that he is finally ready to settle down with someone?

Its just hard believing he is happy where he is at as that’s what he is telling the world and here I am still in pain over the entire relationship? How can he move on so painlessly?

AnvilheadII

oh where to begin here.....you must remember that you went IN to the relationship willingly and you GAVE in the relationship willingly. you seem to be stuck on the "i did and i did and i did for you and THIS is the thanks i get????" part. you expected you would get something in return, that all the money you gave, and things you bought, would "buy" you his fidelity and love.

he took what you gave. and then, he moved on. some people are like that. he wasn't that deeply invested...at least not as deeply as YOU were. he did not feel obligated to you. he wasn't there for the long haul. he might not be the long haul type.

truth is, you do not KNOW what he is doing NOW. nor should you. it's none of your beeswax. his life is his, always was, even the time you spent together, his stuff was still his. what he's doing with his stuff today is what he does.

why can't he be happy? why are you so stuck on that? what HE is doing? he's been gone how long now? don't you have other things in your own sweet life to be thinking about? he was one guy and now he's gone. i don't mean to be dismissive. instead of focusing on all this "pain" you mention, why not turn it around...what have YOU learned, how did the experience change YOU, and how can you grow from it? that's a by FAR more worthy cause!

broken101

I knew I could get a respond from you and I am so grateful for it Anvil,

You are right I gave, he took and left and I truly believe that’s the kind of person he is…a drifter using people as he goes along. It just hurts to know he really never did care or love me as much as I him.
I do have other things I should be focused on like getting through my next final 7 weeks of school. Studying it becoming so difficult I am so close to graduation yet I feel so lost.

We to tell you the truth I did learn a lot, like never to trust anyone so easily, to not rush into a relationship to not give as much if I don't see the other person giving as equally. And most importantly to follow my intuition
Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be able to trust anyone with my heart again…

zoso77

The best, most honest answer I can give you is it's simply what they do. The internal wiring of an addict is such they will justify any behavior that advances what they want at any given time, regardless of the consequences to those around them.

Your post is a variant on the "How can he do this to me?" theme that many of us have fallen victim to. And my answer is you may have fallen, but getting up off the mat and moving on is entirely up to you...

ZoSo

peacedove

spot on zoso. as always!

for whatever reasons, i think they are in pain and suffering within themselves. not over us or about us. it's their own pain and their own type of hell they want to escape.

but yes, knocked down and flat on the mat at some point we are. not staying there is the key. never let anyone have the power to make you stay down. ever. it isn't an instantaneous recovery from knocked out flat to standing and then being up and running...but it happens...little by little. if you want it bad enough.

broken101

I have seen this to him he never did anything wrong even when he was caught cheating he can easliy just deny it and move on...

I think I have ahd enough I am ready to move on but its not as easy as I say.

AnvilheadII

here is where we roll up our sleeves and get to work...defining OUR own set of values, morals and ethics. know them, challenge them, secure them, and then get ready to DEFEND them. once we have a clear sense of SELF and boundaries...what we deem acceptable and what to US is not acceptable....how we move and navigate thru life becomes clear. we make a pact with ourselves to not compromise our selves for ANY on or anything. then we stand strong and sure.

broken101

Last week I was thinking to myself…why am I trying so hard to stay in these people lives? ( well it was because I made a promise to be a Godmother to a child and wanted to keep that promise but her mother is not a logical person so I cannot change that)….i know my worth and I don't need to beg anyone to be a part of their life those who knows me knows what I stand for and that I will always be there for them and will never let them down or break promises and they make room for me in their life I didn’t have to beg them…so I stop trying to prove myself…I shut down my FB and changed my number and now I am being very selective on who my friends are and who I let into my life.

I cannot and will no longer set my values, moral and ethics aside for anyone. I will stand by them and if people cannot accept that then so be it I am not going to compromise who I am for anyone.

Thanks Anvil I needed that….and another thing is I am beginning to be ok with being by myself…its hard at times but I think I feel better being alone than being with someone who makes me feel worthless