DadofOne

Hi Everyone,

I am going to re-post this. Also I have taken time to re-write it as well. Please review, provide any and all comments as I read them all, I just can't always respond as I almost always have eyes on me and would be questioned, but right now (3:10EST) I can do this and read. So let me know what you think of my situation and if you have already responded, I appreciate your words and support. It is a long LONG LONG read but please take the time if you have it-as I know better than any, time is precious but I had to get it all down.

Thanks in advance!



Hello,

I am writing this while I can. There are often so many eyes on me that I have to take advantage of the mornings and time when I can.

I wrote in the other forum about my daughter (who is technically my step daughter) although I have dedicated more time to her than my own children. I come to you all in a merged family with primarily (now) all adult children whom still all live at home.

I am 45 years old and my wife is 44. I have a son from my previous marriage who is 25 and my wife has two kids, one 23 (daughter with addiction issues) and a son who is 18 and also has CP. (that by the way is not a detriment to the boy and he is doing outstanding in school as well with his motor skills!).

I am a man who has a secondary education and a post-secondary degree. My wife is well versed in her education as well and also in her professional life prior to joining me in mine. I do need to point out at this juncture, that while 15 years old I managed to get myself into trouble with the law in bringing some British citizens into Canada illegally. That cost me a total of six years of my life in prison and that is where the high school education was obtained. I have never gone back and that is very much behind me. I only point it out as it has been used against me at every turn of this issue that I now present to you today. 30 years later!

I came into my wife and her children's lives almost seven years ago when the daughter was 16. At that point she was running out the door with a fall-down of a boyfriend to go and commit robberies and thefts to get high. As all would say, "he influenced her in a negative way" and that was why she did what she did. Well, after he was out of the picture, one event after another continued. Theft of my wife's alcohol (as I don't drink at all), money, items missing, calls in the middle of the night from her when she was stoned, drunk or both and so on.

The remorse and fake tears actually worked on me for a bit. I should also point out that I do smoke pot on occasion. It is important to point this out now as it will be thrown into my face for years after this.

After countless times of trying to help her, her continued communication with the boy she took off with, she ended up in a psych ward at the hospital for 72 hours. There she had sex with schizophrenic and a few weeks later ended up having an abortion. She continued to use, wouldn't change. The people at the hospital said "she has authority oppositional disorder".

When she came home, we made a contract. She would go back to school, as at this point, she was almost 18 and had 4 credits in grade 9. These days they make getting a high school diploma is so easy I couldn't see how she couldn't get that done at least.

<-----SIDEBAR----->

Prior to meeting my wife I had started my own company. It is a service based business and very niche in what it provides to consumers. My son lived with me and he also worked it with me while he was finishing off his high school.

When my wife and I got together she would later on leave her work, (was only there for four months prior to our meeting) to work the business with me and started a division that was and is very successful. My son was working it with me already and then her daughter was invited to work it too. The proximity of age between my son and her daughter is that my son is only 1.5 years older than her daughter.

All of us would continue to work the business. The daughter part time only, as she was supposed to be in school and due to relapses and more of what I will get to, couldn't work full time, let alone part time more often than not. However, the business, over the last two and half years grew insanely fast and we couldn't keep up. This caused and still causes, a great deal of strain. Because we all work it, and we all live together, this keeps us all in each other’s faces a great deal. That on it's own merit can be derogation. Nonetheless, my reason for pointing this out to you is that you can understand, you have an addicted child, working for you, while the business is also suffering due to the inability to service your clients and it compounds rather quickly.

<-----END OF SIDEBAR--->

My daughter enrolled in a specialty type of high school for those who weren't able to cope in the regular class. Fair enough. Well, she met a bunch of kids to get high with, hooked up with a new boyfriend whose mother had no issue in partying with the kids and sleeping with the kids as well as supplying the kids with what they needed. My daughter ended up hammered one night on the streets, got her back home, cleaned up the vomit and we started over.

She enrolled in another type of schooling to get that grade 12. The coveted grade 12. She managed to get a new pot supplier this time and he too managed to provide her with a new baby growing in her. She went and got yet another abortion and he, the new boyfriend, was never seen from again.

I had had it at this point. I didn't sign up for this. Every day this child's voice was heard all throughout the house. She wouldn't hesitate to tell me that she felt we were equal and that I had no right to talk down to her. That she could tell me to "f-off" if that's what she wanted. She also said many other things that I won't repeat as they don't serve any purpose. You get the idea. This kid was drinking in my home, (remember I don't drink at all-parents were alcoholics on the weekend and I had seen my share by the age of 8, not interested in seeing her do it too). My wife was actually livid as well. This destructive behavior had to stop. Also remember, at this time, my youngest, (her actual blood brother with CP) was only 13 years old watching all this unfold. He was seeing his mother spent 100% of her time and energy into our daughter and no time really given to him.

(YOUNGEST SIDEBAR-He was very active on the video console when I met him at a young age and now, 18; he is up to about 45 hours per week on Xbox. I will say, to his credit though, he has been classified now as a “professional gamer” and Ubisoft now wants to have him go to Montreal to participate in the development of Assassins Creed III, which, to any kid at his age, is immense and I have been supportive to this as has his mom too. —END OF YOUNGEST SIDEBAR)

I digress. When my daughter started to go through all these issues, at the onset in the early years, she had just come into contact with her biological father. He had an addiction to prescription pills and died near his 42nd birthday from “anxiety”. I put that in quotes simply because we were never given a death certificate or a cause of death and only what the family told us. She had just started a relationship with her biological father prior to his death. About two months they had spent together getting to know each other and then he passed away. She was milking him for money every time she met with him. $200-$1000 per time. She has often talked of feelings of guilt that he died because he knew what she was doing with the money. As a matter of interest, everything that happens in the world around is due to something that she has or has not done and therefore this is the fallout.

After her Dad passed away I came on the scene and she was with the first guy who she took off on the crime spree with. And yes, I digress yet again. This isn’t easy trying to tell such a complex story is it?

After the second attempt at special education she had to go somewhere for a full bore program. We enrolled her into a program for detox, they took her out into the wilderness for a month, no cigarettes, no booze, no pot, not even a toilet. Dig a hole. Portaging all over the province up north. She spent a year there. She graduated high school there. Her and one other student graduated at the same time. He has since become a successful, local, musician. She never kept in touch with him, however, she did keep in touch with the kids who continued on down a destructive road. It never amounted to much, however, she did get together with a couple of them in Toronto to party and get hammered.

She learned a great deal while there. We went into the location for one on one counseling, family therapy, a husband and wife weekend and much more. The program, in my opinion, was outstanding. But, to no avail.

Upon her exit, almost one year to the day to entering the program, she started to plan her next drinking session and with whom she would drink. She ended up getting loaded and pregnant again and then had an abortion. I made her sign a contract.

The contract I had her sign, which at the time her mother supported, was that she would work, continue to look to post secondary education, not drink at home at all, smoke her cigarettes outside (we all smoked at the time but only my wife and I had a smoke area in the house that was properly vented) and that she would not EVER come home impaired.

She started drinking in the house only a few short months after coming back. My wife knew about it and failed to tell me about it knowing how I felt about it. My temper was increasingly becoming an issue. I would go off about my daughter’s behavior and how my wife was enabling this and until she was willing to accept what her daughter was that this wouldn’t ever change while she was in our house. She said many things, but the gist of it all was that I felt my son was an angel and that her daughter was a demon. What my issue was and still is, is with the disrespect of the person who is providing all the amenities and the way that I am being made to feel that what I have is actually my daughters and that I am guest in her house, eating her food and using her ass wipe. I kid you not, that is how I have been made to feel.

I lost it one day when I went into my daughter’s room to find pop cans full of cigarette ashes and butts, cups all over the room, empty vodka bottles and so on. My wife looks at me like I have five heads and says, “Well your son smokes pot!” Once again comparing one child to the other. Yes, my son smokes pot. He goes through a total of about 1/8th of an ounce per month. He spends approximately $20 worth per month. (Keep in mind; I mentioned we all smoke cigarettes-its important.) I too smoke THC and this is another important point. As the argument progressed that day my entire son’s and my lifestyles were drawn up against my daughter’s behavior. How we are no better. How we should understand her better. How her drinking isn’t hurting anyone now and that she doesn’t seem to have an issue. I can honestly say that neither my son nor myself have ever, EVER, had the issue of pot coming before work, family, responsibility or otherwise. Like a responsible drinker, we haven’t ever had it take over and cause issues in the house, between family or any relationship.

I stood by my contract with my daughter. She attended AA in town here. She was only going because if she didn’t she had to leave the house. I was finished with pissing around and kissing her ass. I was coming down heavy and hard. I had felt that my very manhood in my own home had been sliced off and that I didn’t have the respect of her or my wife. So, she went to AA once a week, reluctantly too I might add with complaining and wining the whole way in and on the way back; that is until she met her current boyfriend there.

One week she goes and texts us that she has a ride home. She pulls in later that night with a guy in a newer Dodge pick up truck but he looks old. Well he is. He is 18 years older than her. I never saw him again for several months. She started to share with her mother about him and how he his there because he was accused of threatening death to his 17 year old daughter and ex wife. He claimed that he said, “You are outta here” when he kicked them out and that they went to the police and said he threatened to take them outta this world. Either way, all hearsay and I wasn’t there, but what I can tell you, is that he was going to AA not because he wanted to, but because his bail conditions said he had to. So what you have is my daughter going because I have said she has to and her new love going because the courts say he has to. Once his case finished they both finished with AA. Lo and behold, vodka bottles once again started to appear in my daughters’ bedroom as well as cigarette ashes in the pop cans. I have to say, to me, that is so filthy too and the smell, even to a smoker with some semblance of hygiene won’t enjoy it, and I sure didn’t! I snapped again. This time I was accused of enjoying being upset all the time. Literally, my own wife said that I enjoy being upset all the time and picking on her daughter. Who in the hell would enjoy being upset? Seriously? Where is the “ENJOY” part when you are “UPSET”?

Turns out my wife had known that she was not only smoking in her bedroom but that she was also drinking in there and that she was now sleeping with a 42 year old man who had a 17 year old daughter of his own. A mere 5 years difference in age than the girl he was now bedding and only 3 years younger than her own step father-me! Furthermore, we were in the process (this past December) of getting into a new house. It was much larger for our family and animals and allowed us to have a much better home office. I went in a month prior to get all the preparation completed. Paint, trim, doors, handles and locks and all that fun stuff. I met him for the first time at this juncture. Although he seemed nice enough, the first sound I heard from him was the popping of his beer can and clickity-click o the lock cap on the vodka bottle as my daughter opened it up! “Mom said it was okay if we had a drink!” My daughter was telling me what was what in my new home. So now I am supposed to take it that she is dating a guy my age and now they can drink in my home too because “mom said”. I questioned my wife on this as I couldn’t believe it and she said “they’re not hurting anyone and he helped us move!”

Every single time my wife made a justification. I should also point out too that in the morning, when either my daughter or my wife get up they are like enemies to one another. They will call each other names, curse at each other, slam doors, yell and scream bloody murder and then an hour later my daughter or my wife will say “I shouldn’t have lost it was just that I was tired” or whatever to excuse the behavior. Yet if I go off on something legit I am accused of “enjoy being upset all the time!”

The next thing that happened was staggering. I was out playing hockey (as I do three times per week) and came home on a Friday. My daughter and her boyfriend were at the house drinking as usual. He was already hammered and she was well on her way. At around 10:00PM (due to being so hammered) they went up to her room and disappeared. I asked my wife where did they go and how will he drive, he is drunk. She said she told them it was okay that he stays at our house, in her room.

This went on for seven weeks until I snapped and lost it. I don’t support this type of lifestyle, or lack thereof, at all. I cannot stand the thought of this guy in bed with a 23-year-old girl, my daughter, through the drywall in the next room to me. I cannot stand the thoughts I get in my head of them rutting it up in the next room, trying to keep quiet because we are in the next room thinking they’re funny and that its cool! I want to take the guy and lay a beating on him like he has never known and I could do it believe me. But I have never been violent around a woman and certainly not my kids and I am not about to start, no matter how miserable people think I am. I have to also say, I know I am miserable and upset all the time. How could I not be? My life for seven years has revolved around my stepdaughter’s life. The noise she creates in the house causes everyone to hear her on the phone, the doors she slams (because she doesn’t know how to turn a door handle or knob), the stomping when she walks, the complaining of being over weight and yet continuing to drink and eat. The two other kids cannot stand being around her or her lifestyle choices. Her own blood brother has stated to me that the doesn’t want to use the word “hate” but he cannot stand being around her or even when she wants to come to his door how he cannot stand her being there. The older one, he just can’t believe that I have tolerated what I have. I hope he hasn’t lost respect for me in how I have handled this, or how I haven’t for that matter.

The latest is that today her and the grandfather boyfriend are going to look at a place to move into together. I have to point out too that my wife thinks we should also continue to pick her up and take her to work even though she has moved out with the boyfriend. Am I wrong in saying no we shouldn’t have to do that and spend the $20 per day it costs to do that? Boy what a mess!

Our work has suffered a great deal over the last few months. Our business has been tested to the max. The two older kids working it have been great. My daughter does an awesome job at work, that I will never take away from her, its what happens outside of work that I can’t manage or stand. As an employee I have no issue with her except when she challenges her mother, who is her boss at that point, but it is who she is outside of the work place that I don’t like. I do love her, lets be clear, but despise her lifestyle and her choices in who she spends her time with. To me they’re dirt bags using her and she is in an arrested developmental stage due to her addiction to being addicted. Yes, that is what I believe with her. That no matter what it is, if she believes in it, (be it a boy, drug or drink) she goes way over board with it to the point that she will throw family away to be with that person, drink or drug.

I am looking for someone, anyone, to talk to me. I have no one to talk to. I have no outlet. Yes I play hockey, but it is starting to affect that too. I am going in a bad mood and leaving in a worse mood. Please talk to me. I know its been a long read, but I need some help and now.

Florence

Hi and welcome. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. This is... quite messy.

In my experience, dealing with my alcoholic husband and his enabling parents, I was the bad guy for calling out his behavior, expecting more of him, and getting frustrated when he didn't respect my boundaries. He and his family were and are enmeshed in the addictive and codependent behavior, and I realized that I could either accept the behavior and learn to live with it indefinitely, or accept that this is what it is and leave the "sick system" and go off on my own.

I filed for divorce a couple of weeks ago, and couldn't feel any better about it. Kids and all.

I have some drinking and drug use in my past. I have never suffered serious consequences as a direct consequences of my use, and I am able to quit as I like and have a drink here and there with no problem. I don't use drugs and haven't touched any in a long while and don't plan to. It's been thrown in my face before, but frankly, I'm the one that pays the bills, manages and nurtures the kids, and can take or leave the booze altogether -- I just don't care about it that much. I'm not an alcoholic. I'm not an addict. Are you concerned about your drug use? Suffering personal or professional consequences of your use? If so, seek help.

If not? It's your business. Just like your daughter's drug and alcohol use and sexual relationships are her business. You can make your adult daughter sign as many contracts as you want, but all of this is so out of your control that you can make yourself crazy thinking about it. What is in your control? Whether or not you have a front row seat to this sideshow. Personally, your adult children should have their own places to live so they can run their own lives and suffer whatever consequences good or bad come from their decisions. You should not pay their bills. You should not pay for their car notes, electric bills, rent, gas, bail, or groceries. They're grown. If they fail on the job? Deal with them as you would any other employee.

Al-Anon -- or the Al-Anon tenets, which I learned by reading and through SR -- will give you the tools to figure out what is whose responsibility here. Right now you and your wife and kids are knee deep in one another's business. Practicing detachment, and learning how to step back and see the bigger pictures and patterns will give you the information you need to proceed.

Florence

Also, please stick around and read and post to your heart's content. This is a very active forum and the people here have a lot of collective wisdom. If you do, you will learn how to deal with this dire situation in a productive, meaningful way. I did!

marie1960

wow!

Don't even know where to begin.

Your daughter is an adult, time to treat her as such. It's probably for the best that she moves out. As uncomfortable as it may be , you have no say or choice in who she dates. She certainly has brought an awful lot of unnecessary stress and baggage into your home.

I would limit contact with her, she is an adult, let her figure out her own life. You have given her ample opportunity to turn her life around, and at this time she is choosing not to. I can only suggest stop engaging in the madness.

You and your wife are definitely NOT on the same page. Hopefully, with the daughter out of your home, things will calm down, but I will say your wife has enabled her daughter, and it doesn't sound like she has any intention of changing. Quite frankly, I find your wife's behavior rather alarming.

Al Anon or some counseling for you and your wife may help both of you to understand the dynamic of this disease.

You will find support for yourself here at SR. We do not sugarcoat, and sometimes the truth hurts, but the great folks here truly know what they are talking about.

i do have one question, Has she never heard of birth control????????

DadofOne

Thanks Florence! My adult son lives at home and takes a pay cut. He is the only one who does that. My daughter would loose her mind if we charged her rent. However, she is looking at a place with the boyfriend today. I have no issue with them being on their own, however, i will say that it goes much deeper than just saying "out you go" when it is your own company and that they stay even during the tough times. They are paid monthly and don't make much so my son takes a salary and works nights as well as days to comp rent. If he was problematic then yes, I would easily toss him compared to the daughter. I would take him out back, tune him up, then toss him. But when it comes to the daughter its a lot different. My own use? No, I haven't any issues with drugs or booze. I don't drink at all. I haven't had a drink since I was about 23 and just chose not to. I don't like people when they're drunk and don't wish to be so myself. THC, I do use it, however, like you, can take it or leave it. If someone threw it in my face, first off that wouldn't be wise as I don't like anything thrown at me, but I get your point and no it isn't an issue. Nor is any drug for me an issue and it isn't in my house either. When my daughter was with the first boy his bane was Pot, so she had an issue with Pot. Then now, she is with a guy who is a boozer and guess what, she is a too. I just want my peace back and if that means loosing it all, then so be it. Because right now, I feel like the only thing I do have is when I am on the ice and I haven't been paid to play hockey for a long time so that isn't enough. I just don't know why my wife cannot see how I am suffering you know?

DadofOne

Marie...we attempted Al-anon and it was a joke to be honest. I wouldn't ever go back to be assessed again! I don't have a problem with drugs or drinking and when I was there one would have thought that was the case. My daughter is on birth control now and claims to have been then, but you know what, lying is second nature to her. I would go to counseling if it wasn't going to be about why I am so angry. I think it is moot. I am tired of people telling me that I am angry. No kidding! I know I am and justifiably so. At least I think it is justifiable. Maybe not? I don't know. Maybe it is me, maybe I am the one with the problem. I have anger issues and therefore should have become an alcoholic or drug abuser to fit the stereotype? I don't know anything anymore! I do know that my wife just said to me " I accept her boyfriend and I like him!" This is not the woman I married. Reminds me of that song, "days gone by". I just cannot believe all this. My wife, always giving others advice on Facebook and so on and yet cannot take any without becoming incensed and overtly offended by it. I am messed up eh?

marie1960

I can understand your anger and frustration.

So if the daughter is moving out, that should reduce that headache, so now you are left to figure out what has transpired between you and your wife?

I guess my question is, what does DADof One want to do? What has to happen for you to be less angry and frustrated in life?

DadofOne

Hey Marie...I have always said "never a dull moment". Seems applicable often. Well, I want some dull moments. My wife and I are into year four of marriage and we haven't been able to go and even dance yet! I am not kidding. We have been broke, due to financing the business and the home and we haven't even went on a honey moon let alone out dancing or on a date! That is what I want. I want to fall in love again and do the things that a couple would be expected to do and things they aren't! I want to laugh again and enjoy this great woman who is in my life. I am not a quitter. I won't walk away without seriously fighting for it. So yes, that is what I want. I want to have my wife fall in love with me again, me with her again (not that we aren't in love but you maybe wouldn't know it if you were to see us) and create some intimacy again in our lives. (There isn't any at all!) I want to make those in my house laugh again, but mostly my wife. When it comes to my daughter, once she is gone, I don't care who she is with or how much she drinks to be honest. As selfish as that sounds, I don't. I just want to focus on my own marriage and she can do as she deems fit as long as I don't have to be part of it if it is destructive behavior which I believe her current situation is.

SparkleKitty

Well, Dad, I don't know who is the "one with the problem", for sure. Not even close. But you are the one on this forum, venting a lot of anger, so that's what we have to go with, right?

So much of what you are incensed about is beyond your control. I am familiar with that. I spent many many years convinced that if everyone and everything would just STOP acting so crazy and LISTEN TO ME, then we'd all live happily ever after.

The problem is, their "happily ever after" isn't mine to dictate, decide, or conjure. I am the only person whose happiness is under my control. And a lot of getting to the point of making myself happy was deciding I no longer wanted to be miserable. I dropped the rope before I got dragged even further into the mud.

If your daughter wants to date someone you don't like it's her business. Not a thing you can do or say to change that. If your wife likes her daughter's boyfriend and accepts him, that's your wife's business. If your wife doesn't want your advice, stop wasting it on her. She may not seem like the woman you married -- are you the same person you were seven years ago?

The reason Al-Anon is being suggested is because its primary goal is to get your focus OFF of the alcoholic and ONTO the only person you have any control over -- you. Dealing with an alcoholic can be incredibly frustrating and painful, but there ARE ways to detach from the rollercoaster and find peace. There ARE ways to feel your anger without unleashing it on everyone around you. You may have to let go of some ideas you hold dear to get there, and probably some more that you didn't even realize you held dear.

But Al-Anon is not the only path. I myself went through intense one-on-one therapy in order to let go of my need to control other people, and my anger towards my mother, who is an alcoholic.

DadofOne

Honestly, I could care a less if my wife likes him or doesn't. We haven't even had a chance to know him. He is hammered every time he has ever been here so I wouldn't know what he is like as it is. Plus they stay out of my way when they were here, although, the message was heard two weeks ago and they don't come here any longer. They stay at a two bit hotel now. Which is fine too. I don't want to change what they do, or they see, what they enjoy, if they drink or even wack heroine! I don't. AM I the same man I was seven years ago? Not at all. I have managed to lie to myself every day and get up positive and then only have the day ripped out from under me. It seems that almost every day I get up now and wait for whatever it is going to be to happen. But, I still get up and have a positive mindset, although, it is generally only an hour or two into the day before something happens or takes place of it. Do I allow it? Do you want to critique me for it? I don't know. I really only want one thing. To know my kids will be okay, my wife is happy. If I could have that I would be okay I think, I just want to live long enough to see it and I don't know if that will happen or not. Time will tell I guess. My health is going south pretty quick too for too many reasons to get into.

Hammer

wow. Me too. But life does not always work like that.


Mirror check?

You take care of you. That is the limit of our very limited control in life, as short as it is.

Ever read the Tolstoy story "How Much Land Does a Man Need?"

How Much Land Does a Man Need? by Leo Tolstoy

DadofOne

then can someone tell me what the hell we are doing? If it is all this anguish and b/s and people screwing everyone else over and in the end all you end up with is the question of whether or not things will ever have a semblance of normalcy then what is the purpose? Maybe I need to find a bridge because if that is it, "wow, me too" and you cant ever have it then I'm out because I have had seven years of **** and I won't take any more. Mirror check? I thought that was what I was doing. Gee, can anyone tell she is back and they didn't even go to see the place! I apologize in advance, but my life is pathetic. I am a crap father, a worse husband and I am ruled by a wife who is enmeshed more with her daughter than anything and I am being held responsible when I had nothing to do with it, only because I don't conform and agree with how she lives I am to blame for all this. Anyway, thanks for trying. Be good all.

LexieCat

Huh.

OK, looks like all you wanted was a place to vent. You don't appear to want any suggestions about how to make your OWN life better, you just want to know how to get everyone else in line so they will stop walking all over you.

You are the one choosing to accept the blame, and you are complicit in your own misery. Your stepdaughter is an adult. If you can't stand her lifestyle, fire her and kick her out of the house. Hire some help that doesn't make your life miserable.

I am completely baffled by your reference to Al-Anon and being "assessed". Al-Anon is intended to help you reclaim your life. It is a mutual support and recovery program. There are no professionals and no "assessments". Are you sure you are talking about Al-Anon?

You seem to think your problems are unique--they aren't. You are in the same position as many of us--your life is being controlled by an alcoholic addict. There is no magic wand that will make your life suddenly peaceful. This has all gone on for too long, and the whole family has become sick (which is usually the case when an alcoholic is in the household). It requires a lot of work. You said you aren't a "quitter". I respectfully suggest that such an attitude will serve you well--IF you put all that effort and determination into changing the ONLY person you can change--YOU. If you intend to put all that energy and effort into trying to change your stepdaughter or your wife, you have a long, miserable road ahead of you.

marie1960

" I am a crap father, a worse husband and I am ruled by a wife who is enmeshed more with her daughter than anything and I am being held responsible when I had nothing to do with it, only because I don't conform and agree with how she lives I am to blame for all this. Anyway, thanks for trying. Be good all." (Dadofone)

^^^^^^^^^^^^ Says Who????????^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

your life is becoming unmanagable, and spiraling out of control, your whole family is /has been effected by an addict living under your roof.

We understand this. Hope you decide to stick around. If you want your life to change, change begins with you.

But it doesn't happen overnight, you are going to have to do the work.

Hammer

Machines are Go / No-Go.

Real World People are . . . a little more complex.

(cannot believe I am writing this -- I am a former Combat Arms Officer and an Engineer. I Make - Do - Control everyone and everything too, my brother).

Yeah their stuff is sh1t. But quit making their sh1t All About You, Princess.

Their stuff is really Not All About You.

=========

Try this one for a fit -- often attributed to Mother Teresa, and/or others . . .

------------------

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.

DadofOne

okay , fair enough-today is another day-but tell me this-if their "SH**" is their "SH**" then what do you do when it has a direct impact on you each and every day. My office is at home. I am here for it all 100% and I cannot afford to have an office outside of my home. Am I to just sit, watch this happen, watch all the rules of my house be broken, watch and listen to all the b/s that accompanies my daughter until she does get out with this guy? Am I to not even voice my opinion of the situation? AM to "take it dry" as the saying goes, in my own home, that I pay for and provide for, until she is good and ready to go? Also, what happens if I put the boot to her and tell her she has to leave in one week or whatever the case and then my wife goes against that? As she has in the past? "I will not turn her out to the streets, there is a right way and a wrong way and that is the wrong way, what parent would turn their child onto the streets" and that has been 'stop, rewind and play' on me for two or three years now. I am just so damned exasperated each and every day it seems that it is just that like a tape recorder.

Stop-Rewind-Play

Archangelesk

This stinks. And it is incredibly unfair. And... you do have options.

For me, it started with practicing detachment. Once I got good at that, it created a lot more calm and I had time to reflect. In that quiet space I could see that continuing to try and control my husband was doomed to failure. Once I truly internalized that I could only control myself, it was like I was set free. Now my focus is on what I will do and the boundaries I will set. I can choose where and how I live, and it is not going to be with an active alcoholic who is mentally ill.

Before I got there, I felt deeply angry and righteously justified that I was not the one who should have to do anything, because I was not the problem. So, I totally hear you. And you are going to take as much time as you need on that phase. And then one day it will be too much and you will have to consider that you might be contributing to the problem and turn to what you can control. And on that day, I recommend you start with learning to detach. Check our Codependent No More by Melanie Beattie. Once you learn to detach, you will find more clarity.

DadofOne

Ok, this has me only more confused on so many fronts. I have been told I came here only to vent, yet was told to vent here. I have been told that I might be the one with the problem because I am trying to control a drunk, when that isn't the case, I only don't want it in my home. I have been told that once I come to the place where I accept I can only control myself, then I will be doing better etc. I have control over myself. Yes, I have yelled and screamed at her for her deviant behavior and disrespect, however, I don't believe that makes me out of control or with a major problem when it comes to control. As a matter of interest, I haven't any desire at all to control any of my kids. Truthfully, I don't. I just want my daughter to get out. To me the free ride is long over and she needs to get the hell out. That I should be able to control, however, my wife won't conform to how I see things, as she believes we are enabling more issues for our daughter if we were to toss her out because she and her boyfriend don't have a place yet. He being 42, living with his parents, she being 23 living with her parents.

If I was to push this issue, I can assure you then I would end up in a decade long divorce, that would end in nothing but a great deal of aching hearts (my wife and I) and a truckload of financial loss. I just wish my wife could and would admit what her daughter is. Her daughter is an alcoholic. An alcoholic cannot drink a few and be okay with it. It being drinking. She has never just had a drink, EVER!

Finally, I have to say to the person who commented on Al-Anon and my experience. Yes, I was very much assessed there. As a matter of fact, because I have smoked pot, they asked if I had a problem, if my problem with pot is what led to my daughters addictions and so on. I felt very centered out for being honest and that in doing so I was being assessed. My use of pot has never stood in the way of anything, the frequency of use is a joke and I have been told that by even the counselors where she was for a year and have been assured by many who are professionals in the line of recovery that I certainly do not display or show signs of having any issue with any type of addiction. I just needed to clarify that as I didn't ever expect what I did experience, so I never went back.

marie1960

Dadofone,

In all sincerity, I am not seeing anyone, telling you anything. In my first post to you, I shared with you, that we do not sugarcoat, and perhaps when someone shares their live experience with you, it may sound harsh, but the reality is, alcoholism is bitch to live with. I can now read posts without feeling any sort of attack on the poster's behalf.

Perhaps, when I first arrived here, I too took things WAY to personally. I have grown to know when someone takes the time out of their busy day to acknowledge my issues and share their experience with me, I value their words. It doesn't matter, that it's not what I want to hear at the moment, but it's certainly what I NEED.

From reading your above post, I can only say that most of the turmoil you are currently experiencing is brought on by your own expectations, I always expected the Alcoholic to conform to the basis rules of society ( so to speak), but his intoxicated brain could not do that, it just wasn't possible. That is what I mean by "expectation".

Now don't get all huffy and storm off here, I'm just sharing my thoughts of YOUR words.......

You stated there is a right way and a wrong way to do something. I agree, and in normal circumstances that happens, throw an active addict into the mix, and all logic is out the window. I know she is your child, but she is now an adult, AND adults take care of themselves. Adults are responsible for their actions and choices.

You continue to allow the unacceptable behavior in your home/ work and wonder why things are not improving.

Only you can decide when enough is enough.

When I got tired of being the door mat, I stood up, and allowed the chips to fall where they may. I made the choice not to allow an out of control person to rule my world.

Like yourself, I was angry, frustrated, confused, and pissed off most of the day. The only person I can control is ME. If I do not like a certain aspect of my life, it is my duty to myself and sanity to address the issue in a manner that will have a healthy outcome for ME.

And no, you do not have to sit back and watch all this happen.................

marie1960

I must have been typing when your latest post appeared.

So it appears from your post, that your daughter's addiction has caused quite a bit of tension between you and your wife.

It sounds like the issues between you and you wife are now on the front burner.

This is what the disease can do, what do you think needs to happen to allow you and your wife to get back on track?

Are you willing to create boundaries for yourself? And be able to enforce them?

At this point, it appears your wife is running around like a chicken with her head cut off, I do understand that in standing up to your wife, the tension will possibly increase. But at this point, I think I would take the risk, as you are miserable in your current surroundings.

We can only lead by example, my friend.