sclarke64448

Hi everyone

It's been a long long time since I posted here as I managed to pick up the pieces with the help of some great people on this forum.

The reason I am posting is this.

Just to give you an overview. I was with an alcoholic boyfriend and, like many people I spoke with on this forum at the time, I thought I was going out with the world's most charming man. He made me feel so special. Three years and £24,000 of my money later he dumped me for someone else who very quickly became pregnant. He walked out on her during the pregnancy and came back to me. I never said I'd get back together and six days later he left again. We had been at war since (although we were also no contact) until January this year when he picked up the phone and rang me out of the blue (3.5 years after we broke up and 2.5 years since we last saw each other). One of our mutual friends had died (a 28 year old drinker) and he wanted to know if I'd heard. A couple of weeks later we saw each other at the funeral and he gave me a hug and a kiss and for the first time in 2.5 years we were able to be friendly and civil to each other. We parted ways and that was fine. Although I was worried about him as he was yellow tinged and I thought the loss of his friend would cause him to hit the bottle harder. I tried to ring him a couple of times after to ask him to get help but was unable to get through. I had hidden my number as his girlfriend hadn't been aware we were back in contact but I thought if he had a few missed calls with no number he might guess it was me. It wasn't to be.

Last Wednesday I received a message to ask whether I'd heard my ex was critically ill in hospital. As far as I know it is still touch and go whether he will pull through. Until today I didn't even know he was conscious. But he is. One of our mutual friends went to see him and was sent packing for his effort. My ex said he didn't want anyone to know he was ill (Too late - his girlfriend and her family have told their whole village). Since then he has cut our friend off on FB and also our friend's mother, who let me know about it. Apparently he has been told I know and isn't happy about that either.

Is he embarrassed? Why doesn't he want anyone to know, when they all know what he's like anyway? Why is he so angry with our friend? My guess is he's embarrassed and ashamed about what he's done to himself. Also, if he survives this, this really is a crossroads for him. Either he gives up (which I know for a fact he won't despite all this - he has a short memory unfortunately and was always aware of the risks. Even the death of his friend at 28 hasn't discouraged him, neither has the fact he has three children, the youngest of which is just three). Or he carries on and loses the remainder of his family (one of his kids and his brother won't have anything to do with him anyway) and potentially causes trouble between his partner and her family who may turn on her if she stays with him. (She has five kids all aged 14 down to three). Could it be this uncertainty on what to do next that's angered him? Any idea else could it be? And apparently he didn't want anyone, including me, to know. I was with him for so long he forgets I know exactly what he's like, moreso than his friends in the village.

I realise he must be scared. Surely he would want his friends around him?

Any thoughts would be welcome.

Tryingtoletgo3

This may sound harsh, so i apologize in advance if it does. Why does it matter? If you have been apart for so long, he has moved on with someone else... why put so much thought into what is going on with him or why he is acting a certain way? If he doesn't want anyone to know, it could be for any host of reasons. They are his reasons though and regardless, it is his choice. It sounds like you are driving yourself crazy over a man who you are no longer with. Why?

AnvilheadII

if he wanted you to know, you'd know. all else is pure conjecture.

sclarke64448

No it's not an unreasonable question. I too had moved on but I was (inwardly) delighted when he rang me in January and when he was friendly at the funeral as I knew it was a chapter I could finally put to bed. I'm not confrontational at all so to have this warring between us hanging over my head for a long time was not easy for me. I guess the death of our friend has brought home how short life is and then for this to happen just a few months later has really brought it home. To be honest though I don't know why it matters. But it's playing on my mind. I honestly can't answer your question. All I know is it's not like him to act in this way. A drinker he may be but outwardly he's easy going. To cut someone off on FB he would normally say is petty - unless they've really done something to harm you. Just puzzled.

Recovering2

What YOU want for him, and what HE wants for him may be very different. There is no purpose in trying to figure out the how's and why's to his behavior. As always, we each have the right to decide for ourselves. He has decided this is how he wants to handle things, that should be respected. It's been 3.5 years since you broke up, and 2.5 years since you saw him. So you may not really know him as well today as you think you do. A lot could have changed for him.

Let Go and Let God.

nothopeful1

If its over. Let it go. It had to take a lot of pain for you to be rid of him. If you have someone as be does its also not fair to those people.

LexieCat

Agree with the rest of the feedback, let it go.

FWIW, I could be on my deathbed for something non-alcohol related, and there are a HANDFUL of people I would care to have at my bedside. I hate having people see me sick, and loathe having people feel sorry for me. Could be as simple as that. He wants his privacy.

SolTraveler

I understand where you are coming from - my ABF (who I originally dumped 18 years ago because of drug addiction and took back a year and a half ago - only to discover that he had traded drugs for drinking) still had a prominent place in my heart, even though I knew it was destructive and unhealthy. Couldn't stop caring for him after all that time, even as a friend. Even after no contact. It is normal - you can't help how you feel and when you have a deep attachment it often stays that way.

So anyway, but the others are right when they say to let it go. It is fine to winder about it, but don't let it consume you. My guess is that Lexie is right - he wants privacy. I am also that way. I would be mortified if a bunch of people from my past showed up at the hospital when I was ill.

Florence

I second this. I have been in a position where I've been very sick and had a dozen people trying to get into my room and contact me, and I wasn't in any condition to be contacted. Eventually I had to change rooms and go unlisted in the hospital because people wouldn't leave me alone.

Send a card. Then leave him alone. If he wants you there you will know it because he will tell you. You're probably not on his top ten list of worries, but knowing you're thinking of him is polite and within etiquette.

From a distance. With a card.

DreamsofSerenity

I can totally identify with your curiosity so here's a few guesses: If he is that sick with an alcohol-related illness, he must be really embarrassed. And even if it is non alcohol related, he might still be embarrassed. He is probably feeling totally vulnerable and very dependent upon his girlfriend. She might flip out if you enter the picture again so he may want you in particular to stay away for that reason. If he's laying on his death bed, the last thing he wants to do is **** off the woman taking care of him. Or maybe something is going on with his brain and none of this has any logical motivation behind it at all.

All of that said, I agree you need to let it go. Remember, he walked out on you and then walked out on his pregnant girlfriend. Just because he was nice to you at a party and called you once, doesn't erase any of that. It's not like he's sober and ninth-stepped you. He's still an active A and he still has the weird behavior of one. I'd try to put hiim out of your mind.