Shutterbug1

I am going to start packing today when I get home from work. Ugh. I feel tired just thinking about it. It’s not the physical labor that I am dreading; it’s the emotional journey of deconstructing a home that I shared with AB for ten years. I wish I could fast-forward through this, but I can’t and have to endure this struggle. I found a love note from him the other day, when picking up the house a bit, and I just threw it away…no use holding onto something like that, it’s too painful to look at that and think about what we could have had. Sometimes I feel so angry at him. I’m angry that he is essentially forcing me to leave my home and leave him. He’s not forcing me literally, but his actions have led me to my decision. I also know that, after some time, I will finally be free from his never-ending melodrama and chaos; that brings me a great sense of relief.

The one major thing I am struggling with now is that I am afraid he will not take this well. That he will be traumatize me even more, when I tell him I have moved, by threatening or implying suicidal behavior. I know logically that I am not responsible, should he kill himself by overdose or other means. He was shooting heroin for three months…he could have died at any time…I might have found him or he may have just never come home one night. At this point I feel like, if he is going to kill himself, he will do with or without me and if I stay I will likely have to witness it. I don’t want to be there to see it if it happens. I just struggle with “did I really truly do everything I could have?” Several people have told me that no one should ever make anyone feel like they are not free to leave, and like if they do leave the suicide of a loved one will be their fault. They said it is manipulation and he is used to manipulating me to get what he wants, which is for me to stay with him while he sneaks around and uses behind my back.

I have tried everything to help him that I could think of these past ten years. My friends and family say that I have put up with far more than most would have and I have done my part. Everyone who loves me is happy about and supportive of my decision to leave. I am still struggling with the fact that I am afraid that leaving will push him over the edge…but if I stay I will be enabling him to come back to his same home and continue with his same behavior…doing drugs behind my back, and this could kill him. I can’t resign myself to that life, I feel like if I make the decision to stay it will finish off that part of my spirit that is dulled but not gone. It’s me that I have to care for now, my well being that I have to think about. My friend said something that made a lot of sense to me…that he made his bed and has to lay in it and he wants me to lay in it with him. A family member said that if he tells me that he is going to kill himself I should let him know that I won’t take blame for it, it’s not my fault.

He was an addict long before he met me; this is his lifelong problem, not mine. He has manipulated and deceived me for so long, he put my health at risk by using needles, he is choosing heroin and alcohol over life. He will have to deal with that, not me…I didn’t make those choices. I am responsible for my own choices only and I am choosing to leave this draining, unhealthy, disturbing situation. I so much hope that he embraces life again, even if it is without me…that is his choice though and I can’t control that choice for him, I can’t make him choose life…I haven’t been able to so far and I never will be able to.

Recovering2

Dear Shutterbug, everything you say is correct. Sounds like you did everything you could, but have come to the hard realization that there is really nothing you can do. It is his path, even if it's a destructive one. You can choose to take care of yourself, or get dragged down with him. You are choosing to take your power and use it where there is some benefit, in saving your own life.

Don't be surprised if he amps up the behavior/manipulation when you're leaving. That's okay. He can have his reactions, it doesn't have to change your plan. Try not to get pulled into conversations that have no purpose. Stay focused on your goal. Keep posting here....we will all help you through it.

Peace and Hugs.....

Archangelesk

Shutterbug,
I am sending you support. How exhausting.

I am going to be informing Mr. Arch of his impending aquisition of a new address very soon. And I have the same worries.

But I decided that there was risk either way. If I don't stop enabling him, I am helping him kill himself just as surely as if he does something crazy. And, I am making my children join me for the ride.

So faced with no good option, I am going to save myself and my children from a life of codependent misery anchored to his anger and self-destruction. Further, I will not accept that whatever Mr. Arch does or does not do next has anything to do with me.

xoxox

Archangelesk

LexieCat

Hugs to you, Shutterbug.

You are looking at this exactly the right way. You are NOT responsible for whether he harms himself. Those kinds of threats are emotional blackmail. He will do whatever he does, and none of it is on you--NONE.

Can you put on some cool music or something to distract you a bit while you are packing up? Something that is kind of invigorating? It might make the job less exhausting.

I know that feeling of wanting to fast-forward, but really, this will be over before you know it, as unpleasant as it seems. No way to go but forward, through it.

And trust me--in the future you will look back on this time and be very, very proud of your courage. I still am when I think about my own move out when I left my second husband--it was very hard, but I got through it, and it was exactly the right thing to do, and at the right time to do it.

Rosiepetal

You have done your best & now it is time for you to gain a healthy life again.
Go for all the support & education you can get.
Focus on your own recovery.
Big hugs.

nothopeful1

Hugs. Hugs. Hugs. Stay strong. Stay focused. You sound so strong and healthy.