Shutterbug1

I am going to start packing today when I get home from work. Ugh. I feel tired just thinking about it. It’s not the physical labor that I am dreading; it’s the emotional journey of deconstructing a home that I shared with AB for ten years. I wish I could fast-forward through this, but I can’t and have to endure this struggle. I found a love note from him the other day, when picking up the house a bit, and I just threw it away…no use holding onto something like that, it’s too painful to look at that and think about what we could have had. Sometimes I feel so angry at him. I’m angry that he is essentially forcing me to leave my home and leave him. He’s not forcing me literally, but his actions have led me to my decision. I also know that, after some time, I will finally be free from his never-ending melodrama and chaos; that brings me a great sense of relief.

The one major thing I am struggling with now is that I am afraid he will not take this well. That he will be traumatize me even more, when I tell him I have moved, by threatening or implying suicidal behavior. I know logically that I am not responsible, should he kill himself by overdose or other means. He was shooting heroin for three months…he could have died at any time…I might have found him or he may have just never come home one night. At this point I feel like, if he is going to kill himself, he will do with or without me and if I stay I will likely have to witness it. I don’t want to be there to see it if it happens. I just struggle with “did I really truly do everything I could have?” Several people have told me that no one should ever make anyone feel like they are not free to leave, and like if they do leave the suicide of a loved one will be their fault. They said it is manipulation and he is used to manipulating me to get what he wants, which is for me to stay with him while he sneaks around and uses behind my back.

I have tried everything to help him that I could think of these past ten years. My friends and family say that I have put up with far more than most would have and I have done my part. Everyone who loves me is happy about and supportive of my decision to leave. I am still struggling with the fact that I am afraid that leaving will push him over the edge…but if I stay I will be enabling him to come back to his same home and continue with his same behavior…doing drugs behind my back, and this could kill him. I can’t resign myself to that life, I feel like if I make the decision to stay it will finish off that part of my spirit that is dulled but not gone. It’s me that I have to care for now, my well being that I have to think about. My friend said something that made a lot of sense to me…that he made his bed and has to lay in it and he wants me to lay in it with him. A family member said that if he tells me that he is going to kill himself I should let him know that I won’t take blame for it, it’s not my fault.

He was an addict long before he met me; this is his lifelong problem, not mine. He has manipulated and deceived me for so long, he put my health at risk by using needles, he is choosing heroin over life. He will have to deal with that, not me…I didn’t make those choices. I am responsible for my own choices only and I am choosing to leave this draining, unhealthy, disturbing situation. I so much hope that he embraces life again, even if it is without me…that is his choice though and I can’t control that choice for him, I can’t make him choose life…I haven’t been able to so far and I never will be able to.

EverHopeful721

(((shutterbug)))

You are absolutely right - if he threatens to kill himself, that is manipulation to try to get you to stay, and further, would show just how unhealthy he still is. That would not be the actions of someone truly in recovery. As you said, he could have died at ANY time while doing heroin, and he didn't care how that would have affected you for the rest of your life. You tried for 10 YEARS - you absolutely did everything you could in that time and it still wasn't enough for him to get clean. And that's because, as I'm sure you know, he has to want it for HIMSELF. And until he does, it doesn't matter if you stay and try for another 10 years, or 20 or 30....it will not make a difference. At least not to him. But it WILL make a difference to YOU....because over that time, you will have lost that last little piece of yourself that can still be rescued and healed if you leave now and start concentrating on YOU. I know it's so hard to leave and it hurts so badly right now - but you will get through this. And we are all here to help. Keep us posted, and stay strong!!

Shutterbug1

Thank you so much Everhopeful. I am so, so thankful for this forum. It helps me so much to express my thoughts and receive feedback from others who truly understand what this is like. I need a lot of support right now, because it is keeping me strong and focused. Having several people, from several different placing in my life, comfirm that I AM doing the right thing strengthens my conviction everyday. Everyday i am getting stronger and closer to feeling peace again.

AnvilheadII

ya never know, he may sing and dance and throw a party when you are gone.

i do not say that to be mean, but HOW he will react is UNKNOWN. as long as you are certain of your own safety, then you just keep wrapping those dishes in newspaper and remembering to round up all the important documents (statements, taxes, birth certificate, passport, bills in your name, insurance policies, etc), personal mementos, on and on, and you keep moving forward. keep your focus on what you CAN control and what YOU can do!!!!

Shutterbug1

Thanks Anvilhead. This is what I truly hope for. I want him to accept it and move on. I hope he finds contentment, even if it is with someone else. Our relationship has run its course and it's time to let go...I just know that he has difficulties letting go. It will be difficult for me to let go too, but I am ready, I’m not sure that he is. It really is for the best. I worry about him because he doesn’t have a good support system and tends to isolate, get high and wallow in self misery/self abuse etc. His old friends were so happy when they got back in touch with him and saw we were together because, according to them, he has never been as stable as he has been with me. Hopefully he will reach out to some of those friends and find support.

Shutterbug1

Also, I just want to get to a point in my mind where I feel completely accepting of the fact that he may or may not self-destruct and I will be able to handle it EITHER way. Most of the people who know him think that he is could potentially be really hard to get away from....I hope it doesn’t pan out this way. He would never be violent when sober, but I have seen a terrifying side of him under the influence...talking to imaginary things, telling us he could kill us all and that he was more powerful then everyone...he was the devil...etc. Scary stuff. I've literally seen him work himself up in to such a frenzy that he was almost foaming at the mouth. After that incident was when I first posted on SR for the first time, because I was so shocked and frightened by what I saw. I’m so afraid of ever seeing him in that state again, ive seen enough of that for the rest of my lifetime. I just pray that he can find it in himself to have some understanding that this really is the best thing for both of us.

lesliej

Shutterbug...I wish you all the best in your coming transition. It will probably be a fair amount of conflicting emotions...but I hope for you that the majority of what you feel is relief. You might even just sleep as much as you can for days to come. Ten years is a remarkable amount of time, and there will be so much adjustment for you. I feel for you and pray that you find gentle self care and a lot of support. I also am excited for you...as they say in the Big Book of AA...you are going to know a new happiness and a new freedom.

Freedom does sometimes come at a cost. In my experience it cost a lot of lost hope and broken dreams. My relationship with addiction twisted some of my best traits and gifts as a human being, and it has taken a long time to heal, but every step has been worth it.

Praying for you, for your strength and courage and freedom.
That the broken pieces become a beautiful mosaic.
XO Leslie

neferkamichael

Shutterbug, perhaps you shouldn't go alone. Please be careful. Good luck.