I feel sullied... does this ever go away?

Old 05-13-2013, 08:41 AM
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I feel sullied... does this ever go away?

I spend most of my time feeling like everyone will think there must be something dreadfully wrong with me to cause my father to do those things to do me, and that no one will want to be around me as a result. I still remember how long it took me to get up the courage to hold my "adoptive mom's" hand at church (years, I think), because I was so convinced that there was something so dirty about me (because my father molested me) that nobody would want to be around me, let alone share any physical contact.

And now, my partner and love, Jake, has left for another woman and although part of me knows it's because of his addiction and his issues and not mine, part of me is still convinced that my childhood left me forever sullied and that's why he is gone now. I don't know what is so wrong with me that could cause my father to do what he did, but I am so afraid that the people around me--at the farm, at work, even (and maybe especially) in church--will see it or sense it and not want me around, because there is just something that awful inside me.

I remember my baptism at my church, eight or nine years ago, and feeling like I didn't belong up front and that I shouldn't be baptized because I could never, never be washed clean after what my father did. I thought (still think?) people can tell that there's something so wrong with me that could cause a man to do what my father did, and wouldn't want me around as a result, because I'll sully everything I come in contact with. Does this ever go away?

To be dumped by an alcoholic for a woman who is very attracted to someone as sick as him, who has an eating disorder, is not a very good feeling. I feel like absolute crap about myself. If he thinks she's an improvement, I must be a pretty horrid person.
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Old 05-13-2013, 09:04 AM
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Originally Posted by arabhorseluvr View Post
I spend most of my time feeling like everyone will think there must be something dreadfully wrong with me to cause my father to do those things to do me, and that no one will want to be around me as a result. I still remember how long it took me to get up the courage to hold my "adoptive mom's" hand at church (years, I think), because I was so convinced that there was something so dirty about me (because my father molested me) that nobody would want to be around me, let alone share any physical contact.

And now, my partner and love, Jake, has left for another woman and although part of me knows it's because of his addiction and his issues and not mine, part of me is still convinced that my childhood left me forever sullied and that's why he is gone now. I don't know what is so wrong with me that could cause my father to do what he did, but I am so afraid that the people around me--at the farm, at work, even (and maybe especially) in church--will see it or sense it and not want me around, because there is just something that awful inside me.

I remember my baptism at my church, eight or nine years ago, and feeling like I didn't belong up front and that I shouldn't be baptized because I could never, never be washed clean after what my father did. I thought (still think?) people can tell that there's something so wrong with me that could cause a man to do what my father did, and wouldn't want me around as a result, because I'll sully everything I come in contact with. Does this ever go away?

To be dumped by an alcoholic for a woman who is very attracted to someone as sick as him, who has an eating disorder, is not a very good feeling. I feel like absolute crap about myself. If he thinks she's an improvement, I must be a pretty horrid person.
You are not defined by the sick or cruel things anyone did to you. You were a child and you have no cupability for being molested or for anything you did thought or felt when that happened. Other people cannot soil you. You are clean and beautiful and deserving of love and of a hand to hold yours. These thoughts you are having are hurting you. You have got to lay down this cross. Your father was a monster. But he can not taint you. You have the power to be anything you want to be. Your actions define you. And you can decide to be a beacon of light and to let all your goodness shine. You have to find a way to get to that scared little girl inside of you and tell her this. Hold her close and nuture her.

Nor is there anything wrong with you because a waste of a man broke up with you. He does not think this other woman is an improvement. He is an addict and his choices are not healthy or rational.

Oh, honey. I am so sorry. I wish good things for you. I hope you will seek out non-romantic relationships and support so that you can figure out how to stand on your own to feet as a proud and beautiful woman who feels no shame. If you do that first, then when you are healthy and ready for love, you will find it with another healthy person who sees and respects all the beauty of your soul.
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Old 05-13-2013, 10:01 AM
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I shouldn't be baptized because I could never, never be washed clean after what my father did. I thought (still think?) people can tell that there's something so wrong with me that could cause a man to do what my father did, and wouldn't want me around as a result, because I'll sully everything I come in contact with. Does this ever go away?
I still struggle with this, but not as bad since I went through a couple of years of individual counseling aimed at removing my feelings of inferiority and dirtiness.

Your father did monstrous things to you, but that is not the whole of who you are. What it is is evidence that your FATHER was a deeply broken and wounded man who acted out his brokenness on a helpless child. He was supposed to care for you and he didn't. That's not a referendum on you, that's a referendum on his terrible morals. Shame on him. NOT on you.

You have to find a way to get to that scared little girl inside of you and tell her this. Hold her close and nurture her.
This was literally part of my treatment. Every day, for at least ten minutes, I was given the homework to imagine myself as a small child and imagine myself interacting with her, playing with, and observing her, hugging her and comforting her. At first I was so annoyed with the exercise and just felt humiliated and silly doing it.

Then, when I really gave it a go? Every time I tried to imagine myself as a little girl, I would burst into tears. Who in god's name could harm a child the way I was harmed? What kind of person could blame that child for the sins of the adults that were supposed to care for her? And I mourned that child, and my loss of childhood, and my broken parents, and then in my mind I was able to scoop up that little girl and just hold and hold her, the way my parents didn't comfort and nurture me.

For a long time, I did this every night while laying in bed, trying to go to sleep. Now I only do it when I feel sad or helpless or lonely, which is less and less often.

I know of many sexual abuse survivors who are encouraged to try this exercise. Do it often. Do it as often as you can. And maybe consult some professionals. You can see a counselor very inexpensively if you do the research.

With love.
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Old 05-13-2013, 06:54 PM
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Yes, please listen to Florence's suggestion. There are some VERY skilled therapists out there who specialize in treating survivors of sexual abuse. You were hurt badly enough when you were little--you don't want to live the rest of your life feeling this way. There is happiness in the world--for you, too. You deserve to taste that, to experience it, to feel light and freedom.

If you had grown up with a physical problem--let's say something that caused pain or limited you physically every single day, and there were a treatment for it--something that could make you move freely and without pain, wouldn't you go for it? Same thing with this. You had no more choice about what happened to you than someone who is in a horrible car accident or came down with a serious illness that left lingering effects. I hope you will seek out treatment so you can enjoy life the way everyone deserves.
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