cr995

After many many years of trying to hold things together I recently just gave up! I think I no longer fear and dread divorce and I couldn't wait to sign the papers last week. Now I fear its a blip and I'll go back to that horrible dark place of wanting to hold on to someone I know is acting like a bum! How did you feel afterwards ? did it make things better/worse for you?

Archangelesk

I don't know the answer, because I am just gettting started. But, I am begining to feel confident that it will be fine as long as I focus on me. I need to grow and recovery from my codependency and I believe that I am going to do that. I can feel the part of me that is obsessed with Mr. Arch getting weaker and weaker. That part still aches with grief and I expect I will have to process a lot more of that. But that part is not steering the ship because I keep exposing that part of my brain to the truth. (This forum, and all of your stories are so good for that).

One thing that gave me strength was recently talking to a friend of mine who finalized her divorce after decades of raging codependency and 4 children. When it was all going down, she started hosting parties at her house. She made this great social life for herself and created the fun her husband had been ruining for years. She also started reaching out to old friends, and one of them turned into a relationship.

Almost 2 years after her divorce, she is engaged to be married to a healthy, fantastic guy who loves her children. And she is wildly happy. That's the type of thing that can happen to you and me cr995, if we just stay this course and keep growing.

cr995

Thanks thats inspiring. I am struggling with keeping up the NC - I know that its the only thing that will keep me sane. I try and imagine how great I'll feel if I can keep it up . I realize that breaking NC is me looking for bread in the hardware shop. But I just feel this ache I want to get rid of

Archangelesk

Hugs to you. That ache is profound and awful. I get it. I have it. I have also decided that that feeling is the enemy.

Distraction is helping me right now. I just keep making plans to do things, even if it is hard to drag myself there. These are all things Mr. Arch frowns upon or trys to undermine. But I am not letting him crush my fun. I'll fight through this ache and have a life free from someone who constantly ruins my plans and my mood. (How is it again, that the heart hold on so tightly to such miserable people?!)

Tryingtoletgo3

I understand your ache. I feel it too. I recently had enough of my AHs abuse while drinking and filed a protective order for my kids and I. He, in turn, filed for divorce. Though I know how unhealthy being with him is and that this is best, I too ache and am mourning the loss of the man I love. My head keeps telling me that he is sick and refuses to get better and the rest of my life would have been dealing with him drunk, his cheating, lying, drama..... but my heart loves him and is breaking. Now, on top of the pain, I have to worry that the judge will hand our 8 month son over to him for visitation. He is so out of control with his drinking and bad decisions and anger that I am doing everything I can to avoid this. Just stay your course through the pain and know that there will be an end to it if you let go. If you stay with him, there will only be more pain for years to come. Good luck. Sending lots of positive thoughts your way.

cr995

I am so confused about how somebody who is so awful just continues to do things that are worse and worse. I thought that he was pretty low when I left but the I don't know - cheek, affrontary that he turns round to divorce me, says I am harassing him! just shocks me to the core. He is behaving as if he is the victim and then starts a new relationship and lies and lies presenting himself as this wonderful person to his new crowd of friends.

I know you shouldn't wish your life away but I wish it was a few years down the line and he was showing his true colours. I am so angry at the betrayal on top of the bad treatment. I swear if I had a gun I'd shoot him. But I would want him to live and suffer. The decisions he is making stink. He is divorcing me at the same time as going cold turkey at the same time as starting a new relationship at the same time as us selling out house. I just feel so frustrated and really hurt. I hate feeling such turmoil and need to get control over myself but its really hard.

Archangelesk

I can't even think about the part where my husband somehow gets partial custody of our toddlers. Because if anything trumps the crazy ache, it is that.

One foot in front of the other.....

Tryingtoletgo3

You just described my situation very closely. Mine has played the victim card as well and has fooled quite a few people. Those he couldn't fool, he just has nothing to do with. Mine too tells people that I harrass him (I have had zero contact for over a month, since the protective order was granted, except for one time to tell him our 8 month old son with Norrie Disease was in the hospital and very ill.) He meets someone new and does whatever he can to make them see him the way he wants to be seen, as an upstanding, smart, amazing man....He and his family (because his parents enable his drinking on a HUGE level) have told everyone who will listen how terrible and crazy I am, how badly I treated him, that his drinking is all because of me.....and the best one, that I am using our son and baby on the way to try to trap him and they are just pawns to me. Welcome to the mind of an alcoholic! It is an ugly disaster of a place that manipulates and lies, even to itself at times. The way i see it, if someone is stupid enough to believe him, I'm not losing any sleep over not having them in my life.

cr995

I can't imagine that any sane judge would decide that. When will you know?

cr995

Tryingtoletgo3 Thank you so so so much for that! I am sitting here trying to hold on to my sanity, and while it is not a situation you would wish on anybody because of how it feels, it just makes me feel so much better to know that I am not imagining this, I am not to blame, and he really is a raving alcoholic displaying alcoholic behaviour.

Archangelesk

It is all up in the air. Just filing for divorce and exclusive possession of the house today. So I don't know what the arrangement with the boys will be. It is not as if I can expect Mr. Arch to sit down and come up with a reasonable agreement. But, yes, my understanding is that despite the drinking, mental illness and crazy behavior, he remain likely to get at least partial custody.

So. I cannot think about that today. Today, I can think about taking the first step to getting past all this. It is going to be better on the other side.

Maybe you can come up with a list of things you did not or could not do with him in your life and focus on going after a few of them. Create some room for gratitude that he is gone, because now you are free to have those experiences. Just to help distract you.

Tryingtoletgo3

Same boat for me. STBXAH has diagnosis' of paranoid personality disorder, avoidant personality disorder, alcohol dependency, cannabis dependency, has spent several years in prison and jail over the past 15 years... yet I am fighting to have supervised visitation for our 8 month old son who is blind and hasnt even seen his dad since he was 4 months old. STBXAH has asked for joint legal custody. The last time we were around him, he was drunk and tried to throw my sons crib with him in it. Police were called, report was filed, protective order was granted....yet the judge still believes it would be in our sons best interest to form a relationship with dad.

Archangelesk

This is not my area of the law, but my understanding is that almost no matter what - a parent is going to get supervised visitation if they ask for it.

AND - it may be held against you that you are opposed to it.

The theory being, apparently, that the kid is safe if supervised and that some parental contact is always better than none. This is clearly not always true, and certainly what Trytoletgo3 describes sounds like a poster child for a man who should not see his child.

In my case, my husband is really quite lovely to the children a great deal of the time. So, I am sure that shared custody is in our future. I know the man is on a downward bend. So I do not know how I will know that the boys are okay when they are with him.

By the way, Trytoletgo3 - what is your plan for the birth certificate of the child that remains in utero? I'd find out the law in my state, but I assume you can omit him from the birth certificate. He could still petition, I suppose, but then he has to go to the trouble of proving paternity and maybe he won't bother.

lillamy

I was a wreck during the months leading up to the divorce. Anxiety was off the charts; I had so much fear... But it was all fear that he would someone make it so that I couldn't divorce him. It was irrational of course; all he could do was delay it, not derail it. But I was so frightened.

Once the divorce was over I just felt tired. Not elated, not thrilled. I think I slept for the better part of four days after meeting him in court.

And then I went on with my life. It has happiness and frustrations and sadness and joy. Pain and love. It's a normal life. It's not filled with alcohol-induced drama anymore. And that has given my life a basic tone of joy. Beneath it all.

I've been to hell. So whatever life throws me now is not as bad as being married to an abusive alcoholic was.

cr995

I seem to go from being high as a kite - dancing around the room 2 days ago - to being down in the doldrums at shorter and shorter intervals.

I try to imagine him

punching her in the face
telling her he wishes she was dead
shoving her on to the floor
putting her down
coming back to her when he hears she has come into some money.

it does not work! All I see is that loving smile on his face as he is gazing into her eyes. I am demented.!

And yet I could not live with him. I think I just want him to suffer - is that awful?

ukiah77

I have been reading through this thread and one question jumps to mind. Do judges really award partial custody to our XAH? That blows my mind. That is child endangerment! I haven't divorced my AH (yet) but if I ever do, what proof does the judge need so they DON'T hand over our toddlers to someone who is stumbling around, peeing himself, and falling asleep in the middle of the day? That is definitely not someone who should have any type of custody rights!

LexieCat

Some courts are more enlightened than others. Anyone who is an abuser is NOT a good candidate for any kind of unsupervised visitation. Some simply figure that unless he is abusing the children he has the same rights as a non-abuser.

With "just" the alcoholism, it's best to insist upon an alcohol evaluation. Still, it can be a crapshoot in terms of what the court will allow. Always best to have an experienced lawyer on your side in these situations.

lillamy

Depends on your state, but step one is get the best lawyer you can even if you have to take out a loan. And then remember that the kids are your first priority, always. Let everything else be up for negotiation.

Tryingtoletgo3

I am in a small, mainly rural county in Indiana. The good ole boy network is rampant here unfortunately. My STBXAH has 4 prison stints for alcohol offenses behind him, numerous jail terms (the most recent because he showed up at my work, drunk, and became physical when I asked him to leave. When the police showed up he was trying to break down the door.), lost his license for life, a recent domestic violence report (where he punched me in the stomache while pregnant and tried to throw our sons crib with him in it, the prosecutor wouldn't file charges because he said there weren't sufficient pictures of bruising for a conviction,) mental health diagnosis' of paranoid personality disorder and avoidant personality disorder and most recently was picked up for public intoxication about 2 months ago in the town where I live and told the police he was trying to get to me. He has a 15 year history with drugs and alcohol that is in black and white for the judge to see and is violent and out of control. I am a counselor, have no record, no mental health issues, no drug or alcohol use. Our 8 month old son is blind due to Norrie Disease and needs special care and attention. I have experts written testimony that our son is thriving with me and that he needs a constant, stable environment much more so than a normal child due to his disability in order to continue to excel. The judge looked me in the eye and told me that unless the child will be killed with his father, it is more beneficial for him to have time with him. I asked him what happens when he does kill him and the judge told me, then you will come back here and he will be punished. So I am fighting..... My lawyer smiled at our last meeting and told me, "Be careful who you make babies with." Great advice!