What is he up to????????
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Pennsylvania
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What is he up to????????
Ok, AH is either finally making a turning point OR he is really pulling a fast one on me. Last physical incident was about three weeks ago. Since then he is doing everything I have wanted to do for years. He has been being nice for about a month and a half, except for that one time. He is working on his anger, being affectionate, attentive, wanting to do things as a family on the weekends instead of drinking. Helping out around the house, just being great. We even went to the motorcyle club he belongs to for steak dinner on saturday, and he drank soda and suggested after we were done that we go home instead of hanging out. He is blowing me away. The thing is, I am not excited or happy that he is doing this. I still feel nothing. I keep waiting for him to slip up and he isn't. I still feel that I want to leave. But he is consistent on believing that we are going to be ok. I am sooooo confused and feeling bad. What is he really doing here?????
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Not sure what you mean about "physical incident"--if you are talking about physical abuse, I think you are absolutely right to be leery about these "changes" he is making. They are all on the surface--he is making nice so you won't leave. If he is physically abusive, it's not a question of whether there will be another incident, it's a question of when. If you feel you want to leave (and it sounds as if you have good reasons to want to), I would not let this temporary show of solicitude stand in my way. Your own safety depends on it.
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Originally Posted by LexieCat 
Not sure what you mean about "physical incident"--if you are talking about physical abuse, I think you are absolutely right to be leery about these "changes" he is making. They are all on the surface--he is making nice so you won't leave. If he is physically abusive, it's not a question of whether there will be another incident, it's a question of when. If you feel you want to leave (and it sounds as if you have good reasons to want to), I would not let this temporary show of solicitude stand in my way. Your own safety depends on it.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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I'd try and keep the focus on myself.
Lexie is correct, your safety is the concern here.
I can understand the "what is he doing here?" dialogue running through your head, but I would be more concerned about an exit plan, and getting away from the abuser.
My dad used to say, A leopard cannot change his spots.
YOU matter, time to take care of YOU.
Lexie is correct, your safety is the concern here.
I can understand the "what is he doing here?" dialogue running through your head, but I would be more concerned about an exit plan, and getting away from the abuser.
My dad used to say, A leopard cannot change his spots.
YOU matter, time to take care of YOU.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
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Are you familiar with the cycle of abuse?
The Cycle of Abuse | Domestic Violence Wheel | Emotionally Battered Women
I experienced this many times with the ex, after an "incident" he would very nice, apologetic, declare his love for me, send flowers, be on his best behavior until the next go 'round. They are not necessarily doing it on purpose to be manipulative but this is the way it tends to play out.
I'm not trying to be pessimistic towards your situation but it's my understanding that abusers rarely change without professional counseling. And -- is his intention to stop drinking for good?
Also you might want to look into this book: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men: Lundy Bancroft
The Cycle of Abuse | Domestic Violence Wheel | Emotionally Battered Women
I experienced this many times with the ex, after an "incident" he would very nice, apologetic, declare his love for me, send flowers, be on his best behavior until the next go 'round. They are not necessarily doing it on purpose to be manipulative but this is the way it tends to play out.
I'm not trying to be pessimistic towards your situation but it's my understanding that abusers rarely change without professional counseling. And -- is his intention to stop drinking for good?
Also you might want to look into this book: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men: Lundy Bancroft
Last edited by Seren; 05-13-2013 at 10:38 AM. Reason: Commercial link removed
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Join Date: Oct 2011
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Originally Posted by ZiggyB
Are you familiar with the cycle of abuse?
The Cycle of Abuse | Domestic Violence Wheel | Emotionally Battered Women
I experienced this many times with the ex, after an "incident" he would very nice, apologetic, declare his love for me, send flowers, be on his best behavior until the next go 'round. They are not necessarily doing it on purpose to be manipulative but this is the way it tends to play out.
I'm not trying to be pessimistic towards your situation but it's my understanding that abusers rarely change without professional counseling. And -- is his intention to stop drinking for good?
Also you might want to look into this book: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men: Lundy Bancroft
The Cycle of Abuse | Domestic Violence Wheel | Emotionally Battered Women
I experienced this many times with the ex, after an "incident" he would very nice, apologetic, declare his love for me, send flowers, be on his best behavior until the next go 'round. They are not necessarily doing it on purpose to be manipulative but this is the way it tends to play out.
I'm not trying to be pessimistic towards your situation but it's my understanding that abusers rarely change without professional counseling. And -- is his intention to stop drinking for good?
Also you might want to look into this book: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men: Lundy Bancroft
Last edited by Seren; 05-13-2013 at 10:40 AM. Reason: Commercial link removed
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Thinks drinking in moderation is ok.
What matters is what is okay with you.
So, he will give up physical abuse (for how long? it will happen again) but not drinking.
Because he does not feel he should give up everything.
I would consider giving him up for a healthy life for YOU!
Beth
PS 3 weeks, 6 weeks, anyone can hang on that long, hell, I made it through basic training without any alcohol. So any fool can white knuckle it, it takes a real grown up to give up alcohol entirely. Someone who is tired of hurting the ones they love.
Please think about this. I speak from experience.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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Abuse is not about having "anger issues." I like the way Lundy Bancroft puts it: "Abusive men are not abusive because they are angry, they are angry because they are abusive." IOW, they have this sense of entitlement to control what you do and they become angry when you don't cooperate. He has to get at that underlying sense of entitlement to control you before he has any hope of becoming a non-abuser. So the anger therapy isn't likely to accomplish much without the other work.
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I think it will take him a long time to recover. His father was an acoholic and wasn't around most of his life. He beat his mother. My AH was raised for alittle while by his grandmother from his father's side. And I think it was the grandmother's boyfriend or someone, but they molested my AH, making him do things for toys or special treats. They also whipped him with a belt. So I think he has very deep issues. He texts me every day at work. Asking how my day is, that he misses me and wishes he could hold me. It kinda makes me nauseous. He is being sooooo sensitive and questions everything if he feels any doubt in his mind. If I get out of bed during the night, its like his radar goes off and he is awake, coming to see what I am doing. Right now he is texting, asking if he can hold me tonite. I just want him to leave me alone.
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The first thing I thought of when I read that the last physical incident was three weeks ago was, "Three weeks ago! Once is more than anyone should have to endure but three weeks ago is so fresh!" I think this whole being super nice and lovey is all to make you forget about the physical and verbal abuse and make you want to stay. As mentioned above, this lovey dovey attitude is a part of the cycle of abuse and a lot of people who are abused stay because every time the partner acts this way they think that he has changed this time/he really is sorry.
It sounds like you have had enough of him and everything that comes along with being with him. You are no longer falling for his act and that is why you aren't excited or happy about his sudden change. He has even stated he isn't ready to stop drinking and that "he shouldn't have to give everything up at once"...not give everything up at once? What is he giving up!? Anger, abuse, and drinking? He acts like he had to give up all his favorite foods, soda, and being lazy. These aren't things you just "give up" like when you go on a diet, they are things that require life changes and intensive therapy and work and even then that doesn't mean he will get his anger under control or stop being abusive.
Keep focusing on yourself and if you come to the decision that you feel truly done with him start putting a plan in motion for leaving. Make sure you keep your safety a number one priority because just because he is acting nice doesn't mean that he won't snap.
It sounds like you have had enough of him and everything that comes along with being with him. You are no longer falling for his act and that is why you aren't excited or happy about his sudden change. He has even stated he isn't ready to stop drinking and that "he shouldn't have to give everything up at once"...not give everything up at once? What is he giving up!? Anger, abuse, and drinking? He acts like he had to give up all his favorite foods, soda, and being lazy. These aren't things you just "give up" like when you go on a diet, they are things that require life changes and intensive therapy and work and even then that doesn't mean he will get his anger under control or stop being abusive.
Keep focusing on yourself and if you come to the decision that you feel truly done with him start putting a plan in motion for leaving. Make sure you keep your safety a number one priority because just because he is acting nice doesn't mean that he won't snap.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Western PA
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With love and gentleness -
You can go to court at anytime of the day or night and get a protection from abuse order that prevents him from contact from you and gives you possesion of your home and even financial support. State laws vary, but you start with a temporary order and then a hearing. If you contact a support line they will help you with the details and with a pro bono attorney.
When you are ready, there are resources for you. You are on high alert. You know this is not right. Keep listening to this voice. Please be safe.
You can go to court at anytime of the day or night and get a protection from abuse order that prevents him from contact from you and gives you possesion of your home and even financial support. State laws vary, but you start with a temporary order and then a hearing. If you contact a support line they will help you with the details and with a pro bono attorney.
When you are ready, there are resources for you. You are on high alert. You know this is not right. Keep listening to this voice. Please be safe.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 262
Originally Posted by Archangelesk
With love and gentleness -
You can go to court at anytime of the day or night and get a protection from abuse order that prevents him from contact from you and gives you possesion of your home and even financial support. State laws vary, but you start with a temporary order and then a hearing. If you contact a support line they will help you with the details and with a pro bono attorney.
When you are ready, there are resources for you. You are on high alert. You know this is not right. Keep listening to this voice. Please be safe.
You can go to court at anytime of the day or night and get a protection from abuse order that prevents him from contact from you and gives you possesion of your home and even financial support. State laws vary, but you start with a temporary order and then a hearing. If you contact a support line they will help you with the details and with a pro bono attorney.
When you are ready, there are resources for you. You are on high alert. You know this is not right. Keep listening to this voice. Please be safe.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by myfreedom
I didn't answer his last text, so he is texting back asking why!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He is being "nice" so you "owe" him a prompt response is my guess of what his mind set is...
Please have a plan in place for how to protect yourself when he lashes out again.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
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my freedom,
My first incident of physical abuse was in 1995, didn't happen again till 2006, then 2008. Why do I remember these years? These were the years that I was able to see the marks on my body. Were there other times that I was physically abuse? Of course there were, just didn't leave marks on me enough to warrant medical attention.
First one, well he just threw me to the ground and kicked me in the ribs, second, well he just hit me with his fist in the eye, third, well he just threw a cup at me, that hit me in the eye, and I still have a scar from that.
Other things, well, he just spit in my face, just threw me into the cabinets, pushed me out the door, then locked the door so I couldn't get back into my house. Many others, but they didn't leave a mark on me, or just some little black and blue that he would deny.
Once physical abuse starts, it will continue.
And yes, the honeymoon periods, how I loved those, then hated them.
Cuddling, wanting to hold hands, or whatever!!!!! Do they have a "puke" emoticon here??? The worse the abuse, the worse the honeymoon.
Near the end, when I already had one foot out the door, he wanted me to go to sleep with him at 8pm, (because he had to get up early for work), wanted sex, then wanted me to stay there all night long so that he could hold me like his "teddy bear".
At the end, the longest he could go without a fight was 1 1/2 months, it was usually a few hours to possibly 3 days.
It is all about control. They see you getting away, and will do whatever they can to stop it.
You may not still have bruises, you may not have witnesses to last attack. You may even try to file a restraining order, and they will ask why now, and if you were afraid of him for the last 3 weeks, but yet you still stayed. My suggestion, still file, get that paper trail going, start talking face to face to people about this, I know this is really hard, and may seem impossible now, but try making plans to leave, or if you can, just leave. Call domestic violence hotline, they are amazing.
Just know, been there, done that, and I care about you.
My first incident of physical abuse was in 1995, didn't happen again till 2006, then 2008. Why do I remember these years? These were the years that I was able to see the marks on my body. Were there other times that I was physically abuse? Of course there were, just didn't leave marks on me enough to warrant medical attention.
First one, well he just threw me to the ground and kicked me in the ribs, second, well he just hit me with his fist in the eye, third, well he just threw a cup at me, that hit me in the eye, and I still have a scar from that.
Other things, well, he just spit in my face, just threw me into the cabinets, pushed me out the door, then locked the door so I couldn't get back into my house. Many others, but they didn't leave a mark on me, or just some little black and blue that he would deny.
Once physical abuse starts, it will continue.
And yes, the honeymoon periods, how I loved those, then hated them.
Cuddling, wanting to hold hands, or whatever!!!!! Do they have a "puke" emoticon here??? The worse the abuse, the worse the honeymoon.
Near the end, when I already had one foot out the door, he wanted me to go to sleep with him at 8pm, (because he had to get up early for work), wanted sex, then wanted me to stay there all night long so that he could hold me like his "teddy bear".
At the end, the longest he could go without a fight was 1 1/2 months, it was usually a few hours to possibly 3 days.
It is all about control. They see you getting away, and will do whatever they can to stop it.
You may not still have bruises, you may not have witnesses to last attack. You may even try to file a restraining order, and they will ask why now, and if you were afraid of him for the last 3 weeks, but yet you still stayed. My suggestion, still file, get that paper trail going, start talking face to face to people about this, I know this is really hard, and may seem impossible now, but try making plans to leave, or if you can, just leave. Call domestic violence hotline, they are amazing.
Just know, been there, done that, and I care about you.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Originally Posted by myfreedom
He started seeing a therapist last week for the anger BUT is not up for quitting drinking. He says he shouldn't have to give up everything. Thinks drinking in moderation is ok.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 262
Originally Posted by amy55
my freedom,
My first incident of physical abuse was in 1995, didn't happen again till 2006, then 2008. Why do I remember these years? These were the years that I was able to see the marks on my body. Were there other times that I was physically abuse? Of course there were, just didn't leave marks on me enough to warrant medical attention.
First one, well he just threw me to the ground and kicked me in the ribs, second, well he just hit me with his fist in the eye, third, well he just threw a cup at me, that hit me in the eye, and I still have a scar from that.
Other things, well, he just spit in my face, just threw me into the cabinets, pushed me out the door, then locked the door so I couldn't get back into my house. Many others, but they didn't leave a mark on me, or just some little black and blue that he would deny.
Once physical abuse starts, it will continue.
And yes, the honeymoon periods, how I loved those, then hated them.
Cuddling, wanting to hold hands, or whatever!!!!! Do they have a "puke" emoticon here??? The worse the abuse, the worse the honeymoon.
Near the end, when I already had one foot out the door, he wanted me to go to sleep with him at 8pm, (because he had to get up early for work), wanted sex, then wanted me to stay there all night long so that he could hold me like his "teddy bear".
At the end, the longest he could go without a fight was 1 1/2 months, it was usually a few hours to possibly 3 days.
It is all about control. They see you getting away, and will do whatever they can to stop it.
You may not still have bruises, you may not have witnesses to last attack. You may even try to file a restraining order, and they will ask why now, and if you were afraid of him for the last 3 weeks, but yet you still stayed. My suggestion, still file, get that paper trail going, start talking face to face to people about this, I know this is really hard, and may seem impossible now, but try making plans to leave, or if you can, just leave. Call domestic violence hotline, they are amazing.
Just know, been there, done that, and I care about you.
My first incident of physical abuse was in 1995, didn't happen again till 2006, then 2008. Why do I remember these years? These were the years that I was able to see the marks on my body. Were there other times that I was physically abuse? Of course there were, just didn't leave marks on me enough to warrant medical attention.
First one, well he just threw me to the ground and kicked me in the ribs, second, well he just hit me with his fist in the eye, third, well he just threw a cup at me, that hit me in the eye, and I still have a scar from that.
Other things, well, he just spit in my face, just threw me into the cabinets, pushed me out the door, then locked the door so I couldn't get back into my house. Many others, but they didn't leave a mark on me, or just some little black and blue that he would deny.
Once physical abuse starts, it will continue.
And yes, the honeymoon periods, how I loved those, then hated them.
Cuddling, wanting to hold hands, or whatever!!!!! Do they have a "puke" emoticon here??? The worse the abuse, the worse the honeymoon.
Near the end, when I already had one foot out the door, he wanted me to go to sleep with him at 8pm, (because he had to get up early for work), wanted sex, then wanted me to stay there all night long so that he could hold me like his "teddy bear".
At the end, the longest he could go without a fight was 1 1/2 months, it was usually a few hours to possibly 3 days.
It is all about control. They see you getting away, and will do whatever they can to stop it.
You may not still have bruises, you may not have witnesses to last attack. You may even try to file a restraining order, and they will ask why now, and if you were afraid of him for the last 3 weeks, but yet you still stayed. My suggestion, still file, get that paper trail going, start talking face to face to people about this, I know this is really hard, and may seem impossible now, but try making plans to leave, or if you can, just leave. Call domestic violence hotline, they are amazing.
Just know, been there, done that, and I care about you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 262
I have told him that I do not see this change lasting. He says I only see the negative in him and never anything positive. That I should put alittle effort into making this work, and show him that I still love him even alittle. That it would make things alot easier. He knows I want to leave BUT won't believe it and only sees us as being together and happy.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Call the domestic violence hotline. You do not have to give your name. You can just talk to them to see what options there are that are available to you.
I stayed at a shelter for one night. They are really compassionate people. If you can't do it all at once, I understand, I couldn't either. Take baby steps, start empowering yourself. And always remember, you can do it. I never thought that I could, but it was inside of me the whole time, I just became so brainwashed and beaten down that I thought it was impossible.
Just don't let that honeymoon phase confuse you. I did, and then when it got back to normal I became paralyzed, then honeymoon came, and confusion came.
I'm here for you, and I do understand what you are going through.
I stayed at a shelter for one night. They are really compassionate people. If you can't do it all at once, I understand, I couldn't either. Take baby steps, start empowering yourself. And always remember, you can do it. I never thought that I could, but it was inside of me the whole time, I just became so brainwashed and beaten down that I thought it was impossible.
Just don't let that honeymoon phase confuse you. I did, and then when it got back to normal I became paralyzed, then honeymoon came, and confusion came.
I'm here for you, and I do understand what you are going through.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i think you are in a VERY dangerous situation right now...he's a ticking time bomb about to go off. sweetie, the FIRST time he abused you, however long ago that was....that was your cue to GET AWAY. what has happened is that over time you've convinced yourself it's not that bad, he'll stop now, etc etc. he won't stop until there is nothing left of you to beat.
if you have not done so, PLEASE contact a Domestic Violence group and do it now. you need help. you need someone who has your best interest, safety and longevity in mind. you are very much under this man's control and aren't thinking as clearly as you could be.
if you have not done so, PLEASE contact a Domestic Violence group and do it now. you need help. you need someone who has your best interest, safety and longevity in mind. you are very much under this man's control and aren't thinking as clearly as you could be.
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