Can an Alcoholic deal with being around Alcohol
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: Newburgh
Posts: 14
Can an Alcoholic deal with being around Alcohol
Hello everyone its been a little while since I have posted. This weekend was pretty hard for me. I am currently almost 2 months clean, have a sponsor, am attending meetings, and am reading the big book. Some days are easier than others. What seems to be the most difficult is whenever my fiancé chooses to drink. It is very hard for me to be around her whenever she starts to get that hazy look in her eyes, and begins to say or act differently if she were sober. I lost my temper Friday night after I got off work. She was at the neighbor's house drinking whenever I got home from work around 11:30 pm. We have tried to come to an agreement, I thought, that whenever I get home from work, she would either be in bed and quit drinking, or come home at least by midnight. Well midnight rolled around, and she would not come home. I went next door picked her up, and brought her back to the house.
I know this is wrong, and that I cannot control what she does. I just wish that we can set some sort of boundaries with her drinking and my recovery. My sponsor said with time it will get easier, and that eventually I will not care what she is doing. I am trying to concentrate on myself, but it is hard seeing her do the one thing that I cannot do.
I believe she took Sat night off of drinking, but drank some tonight. I did not even realize she was drinking until eventually I saw that she had a beer next to her chair outside. I asked her if she was drinking captain too, and she said yes. I began to see the gazed look on her eyes and told her that she had a problem. I called her mother because I want someone else in her life to know about how much she drinks. Its not everyday, but it is usually at least 1 or this case twice a week. We go round and round about her drinking and me accepting it.
I called her mother for advice and spoke with her because I wanted someone else who loves and cares for her to know about what is going on. We basically hide our problems, and our drinking in the past, or hers as of today. She doesn't have family in town, so I wanted to bring to attention to her mother that maybe she should have some boundaries while I am in recovery.
We have been together almost 4 years and plan to get married next month. I honestly do not think that she is a raging alcoholic, but do believe that she has developed a life style, or dependence on alcohol. I need to realize and come to terms that I cannot control or make her quit or not drink as much. I say very hateful things to her and regret them shortly after. Will I be able to be around her while she drinks eventually and not have so much envy and jealousy? We plan to go to see a therapist so that we can address some of the issues that we have been dealing with. Am I completely wrong and such an A hole that I see her drinking, and totally transform into such a hateful person? It is tough, and I hope that it gets easier. I truly love her and just want us to be happy. I suppose either I have to learn to deal with her alcohol use, or she can try to change, or do things differently so that it will not effect me as much. I think that a little of both should be addressed for improvements. I feel that boundaries is the key. If only we can find the right lock to lead us in the right direction.
I know this is wrong, and that I cannot control what she does. I just wish that we can set some sort of boundaries with her drinking and my recovery. My sponsor said with time it will get easier, and that eventually I will not care what she is doing. I am trying to concentrate on myself, but it is hard seeing her do the one thing that I cannot do.
I believe she took Sat night off of drinking, but drank some tonight. I did not even realize she was drinking until eventually I saw that she had a beer next to her chair outside. I asked her if she was drinking captain too, and she said yes. I began to see the gazed look on her eyes and told her that she had a problem. I called her mother because I want someone else in her life to know about how much she drinks. Its not everyday, but it is usually at least 1 or this case twice a week. We go round and round about her drinking and me accepting it.
I called her mother for advice and spoke with her because I wanted someone else who loves and cares for her to know about what is going on. We basically hide our problems, and our drinking in the past, or hers as of today. She doesn't have family in town, so I wanted to bring to attention to her mother that maybe she should have some boundaries while I am in recovery.
We have been together almost 4 years and plan to get married next month. I honestly do not think that she is a raging alcoholic, but do believe that she has developed a life style, or dependence on alcohol. I need to realize and come to terms that I cannot control or make her quit or not drink as much. I say very hateful things to her and regret them shortly after. Will I be able to be around her while she drinks eventually and not have so much envy and jealousy? We plan to go to see a therapist so that we can address some of the issues that we have been dealing with. Am I completely wrong and such an A hole that I see her drinking, and totally transform into such a hateful person? It is tough, and I hope that it gets easier. I truly love her and just want us to be happy. I suppose either I have to learn to deal with her alcohol use, or she can try to change, or do things differently so that it will not effect me as much. I think that a little of both should be addressed for improvements. I feel that boundaries is the key. If only we can find the right lock to lead us in the right direction.
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
Everyone is different. I can tell you that if I was in a relationship I definately wouldn't want to be around someone that drinks all the time. But that is just me and I don't know if I will ever beable to feel different about it.
I can go to a restaurant with a friend and if they want a drink I am fine with that. However, I wouldn't be going to the pub with them because in that atmosphere it would bother me. I also don't go to parties where there is lots of drinking because it too bothers me.
I'm only 9 months sober so maybe in time I will feel different.
Yes, the drinking is our issue, but when you are in a relationship I think it is important that people support each other. Isn't that what people do in a relationship? But that is just my opinion and what I would need to have if it was me.
I can go to a restaurant with a friend and if they want a drink I am fine with that. However, I wouldn't be going to the pub with them because in that atmosphere it would bother me. I also don't go to parties where there is lots of drinking because it too bothers me.
I'm only 9 months sober so maybe in time I will feel different.
Yes, the drinking is our issue, but when you are in a relationship I think it is important that people support each other. Isn't that what people do in a relationship? But that is just my opinion and what I would need to have if it was me.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: Newburgh
Posts: 14
Yes I agree with you, it doesn't really bother me if someone has a drink with dinner at a restaurant. It's whenever drinking involves multiple hours throughout the day or night that I struggle with. For instance today our neighbors had family over, cooked, and hung out outside. They began drinking very early sometime around 1 or 2 I think. It doesn't bother me that much, but it does whenever my fiancé joins in. She probably started around 6 or 7 im not sure, I was busy washing our cars. Whenever say 9:30 roles around I asked her if she could help me clean up the kitchen, but she didn't want to. She decided to stay out longer, and that's whenever I called her mother. Should I accept the fact that she has the right to go next door sit down in a chair outside and drink and talk for a few hours until she comes to bed? I do not know. Is it my fault for being such a jerk to her because I cannot do that?
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
Sounds like a tough situation. I'm not tempted by being around other people that are drinking but I didn't kick booze to the curb just to then hang around with other drunks. Doesn't sound like firm footing upon which to start a life together as man and wife.
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
Also congrats on 2 months by the way that is fantastic!
This is something that obviously bothers you, have you sat down and really talked about this with her? At the end of the day we have to make decisions that is best for our sobriety. I don't let anything become more important than that. But that is what I have to do or I would go down that slippery slope again.
You are 2 months in so give yourself some time. Your feelings and emotions can be all over the place at times. And don't forget that when lose the booze we kind of go thru a grieving process. Resentment, anger, sadness, frustration, etc. For me it was like losing a good friend!
This is something that obviously bothers you, have you sat down and really talked about this with her? At the end of the day we have to make decisions that is best for our sobriety. I don't let anything become more important than that. But that is what I have to do or I would go down that slippery slope again.
You are 2 months in so give yourself some time. Your feelings and emotions can be all over the place at times. And don't forget that when lose the booze we kind of go thru a grieving process. Resentment, anger, sadness, frustration, etc. For me it was like losing a good friend!
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: Newburgh
Posts: 14
Yes anger and resentment...My neighbor said I went from ok to total Ass Hole in like 1 second. That was after I realized that Julie was drinking. My emotions are all over the place and it gets soooooooo overwhelming. Like you said give it some time and hopefully it will continue to get better. I need to continue working on myself and not what others are doing. After she went to bed I went back and talked to the neighbors outside for about 20 min. They said that she was crying and that I am a jerk to her, but they understand were I am coming from too. I know I say hateful mean things, but deep down I do not mean them. It's manipulating and I tend to be very good at that I guess. I need to accept the fact that its not her fault that I have this problem. As far as her alcohol use, I still do not know if she has a problem or not. I know that its something she enjoys extremely, and that if the root of our problems seem to be from drinking, you would think that she would give it up. All of these problems just because of some silly booze. How pathetic, childish, and immature is it that we cannot seem to come to some sort of agreement. Thank you for your post
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 183
You are so early in the process. What bothers you now won't months or years from now.
I would think hard about your relationship. I'm not much of a drinker anyway, but when my husband quit it was a good 6 months or a year before I had anything in front of him. I liken it to someone eating a pie in front of someone who just had gastric bypass; it is inconsiderate. These days, I can have a drink around him and he doesn't care. He says that he can be around alcohol as long as he's expecting it. He doesn't like surprises.
You can't expect people to change for you, but you should expect your SO to be supportive.
I would think hard about your relationship. I'm not much of a drinker anyway, but when my husband quit it was a good 6 months or a year before I had anything in front of him. I liken it to someone eating a pie in front of someone who just had gastric bypass; it is inconsiderate. These days, I can have a drink around him and he doesn't care. He says that he can be around alcohol as long as he's expecting it. He doesn't like surprises.
You can't expect people to change for you, but you should expect your SO to be supportive.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Congrats on your clean time! Two months is awesome!
If I were you, I would seriously consider postponing the wedding. Your own sobriety is obviously the most important thing, but if it turns out that your g/f is unable to control hers, you may find yourself in a miserable marriage, having to go through a miserable divorce down the line.
Not saying you have to end the relationship, necessarily. You can continue to work on your recovery and see how she is behaving in the meantime. Maybe you will eventually come to an accommodation that works, or if she is alcoholic, maybe not. But I sure would be hesitant about legal ties with your feeling the way you do right now.
If I were you, I would seriously consider postponing the wedding. Your own sobriety is obviously the most important thing, but if it turns out that your g/f is unable to control hers, you may find yourself in a miserable marriage, having to go through a miserable divorce down the line.
Not saying you have to end the relationship, necessarily. You can continue to work on your recovery and see how she is behaving in the meantime. Maybe you will eventually come to an accommodation that works, or if she is alcoholic, maybe not. But I sure would be hesitant about legal ties with your feeling the way you do right now.
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
Originally Posted by BeingMyself 
I know I say hateful mean things, but deep down I do not mean them. It's manipulating and I tend to be very good at that I guess. I need to accept the fact that its not her fault that I have this problem.
You know that you need to work on yourself and you are doing just that. One day at a time is all you need to do at this point.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Indiana
Posts: 90
I would assume someone who is an AH and is in recovery would find it very difficult being around others who drink. But that would be something that you personally have to deal with. You cannot hold other people responsible for your actions. You cannot change who a person is or what they do.
Picking her up and taking her home, seriously???? Uncalled for. Again you cannot control people oe their actions.
Think back to when you were drinking..........did what anybody say to you about your "problem" matter? I would assume not. You probably just continued until you came to the point where you had to stop for whatever reason. AH are great manipulators even when they are sober.
Also, I would assume you making the call to her mother was done maliciously rather then an attempt to help her. You were angry that she was drinking period!
If you feel that this will be a hard road to travel then perhaps you should take another road.
Picking her up and taking her home, seriously???? Uncalled for. Again you cannot control people oe their actions.
Think back to when you were drinking..........did what anybody say to you about your "problem" matter? I would assume not. You probably just continued until you came to the point where you had to stop for whatever reason. AH are great manipulators even when they are sober.
Also, I would assume you making the call to her mother was done maliciously rather then an attempt to help her. You were angry that she was drinking period!
If you feel that this will be a hard road to travel then perhaps you should take another road.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Western PA
Posts: 151
I will echo LexieCat. With gentleness, now is not a time to get married. There is too much going on. You are in the middle of your own recovery and that is so much to tackle. Add on your codependent feelings and there is a lot on your plate.
I say this after 19 years with my husband, almost 14 years of marriage and two small children and on the cusp of divorce due to his drinking and mental illness. But I also say it with compassion. When I married him I was no where near close to having the insight or emotional abilility to postpone the wedding, although I knew then that there were reasons I should have (even though, to my knowledge, he did not drink at that time - but hey, I could be wrong about that).
My advice to you is to keep reading here. Learn all about what life looks like with an alcoholic. It should help you with your own recovery and may help you determine how to proceed with her. Listen to this feeling you are having. You know that things are not right. And I think it is great that you talked to her mother. Communicating honestly about conditions on the ground is a hugely important step for me and I think it will help you too. My new rule is if something happens and I am inclined to downplay it or keep it a secret - then that feeling means I must tell at least two people. Following this rule saves me from denial.
I say this after 19 years with my husband, almost 14 years of marriage and two small children and on the cusp of divorce due to his drinking and mental illness. But I also say it with compassion. When I married him I was no where near close to having the insight or emotional abilility to postpone the wedding, although I knew then that there were reasons I should have (even though, to my knowledge, he did not drink at that time - but hey, I could be wrong about that).
My advice to you is to keep reading here. Learn all about what life looks like with an alcoholic. It should help you with your own recovery and may help you determine how to proceed with her. Listen to this feeling you are having. You know that things are not right. And I think it is great that you talked to her mother. Communicating honestly about conditions on the ground is a hugely important step for me and I think it will help you too. My new rule is if something happens and I am inclined to downplay it or keep it a secret - then that feeling means I must tell at least two people. Following this rule saves me from denial.
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
Originally Posted by Archangelesk
My new rule is if something happens and I am inclined to downplay it or keep it a secret - then that feeling means I must tell at least two people. Following this rule saves me from denial.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
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I would suggest that as said above it might be a good idea to put the wedding on hold as in:
"no major changes the first year."
Please sit down and talk to your sponsor about this.
Please feel free to PM me and ask any questions you have.
Love and hugs,
"no major changes the first year."
Please sit down and talk to your sponsor about this.
Please feel free to PM me and ask any questions you have.
Love and hugs,
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 267
I have been sober for a year and being around alcohol does not bother me. My ABF's behavior bothers me, for sure, seeing people drunk bothers me - but only because it reminds me of what a fool I have been. I look at them and the "party" lifestyle with disgust now.
But the alcohol itself, not so much. Perhaps because I was drinking to self-medicate my anxiety, not so much out of a physical need? I don't know. Anyway, I am not tempted by my ABF's crappy beers.
I think it is individual.
But the alcohol itself, not so much. Perhaps because I was drinking to self-medicate my anxiety, not so much out of a physical need? I don't know. Anyway, I am not tempted by my ABF's crappy beers.
I think it is individual.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Newburgh
Posts: 14
ABF is that Alcoholic boyfriend im assuming. Yes I totally agree I honestly could care less if someone has 1, 2, or even 3 drinks with dinner you know enough to calm the nerves eat and just relax without continuing to drink. Its the multiple hours of drinking that I struggle with.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: SoCal
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My next comment will be very hypocritical. However.. I think people who may have a problem drinking don't like when someone hits the sober tracks.. Perhaps makes them feel a little self conscious? Maybe that's why your neighbor thinks you started acting like an A-hole..?
I think people who may have a problem drinking don't like when someone hits the sober tracks.. Perhaps makes them feel a little self conscious? Maybe that's why your neighbor thinks you started acting like an A-hole..?
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: Newburgh
Posts: 14
Oww I know I was being an A hole, but not towards them, just my fiance. I told them that I do not have a problem with them. Although I do wish we had our other neighbors back. The ones that waved high and said goodbye. "Good fences makes good neighbors" Robert Frost
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 70
I'm not a RA so can't answer this question from that perspective. However, I am the (ex?)GF of a (R?)ABF so I can offer it from how I see it (PS lots of unknowns in those acronyms, I know).
Essentially RABF has been out of rehab for a little over a week and doing well. I'm in AlAnon and attend a support group run by the rehab facility. RABF's parents are alcoholics.
The day following RABF's discharge from rehab, his parents were openly drinking in front of him from 2pm until they went to bed. Not cool IMHO, but anyways.
RABF says it doesn't worry him. RABF's counsellor (at the support group) says that we shouldn't drink in front of RABF, or have alcohol in the house. No problems for me, I hardly drink anyway. His parents (obviously) don't follow the counsellor's guidance.
RABF says that he doesn't mind if his parents drink in front of him, or if there's alcohol in the house. HOWEVER, he did say that, if he makes the decision to drink, it's much easier for him as alcohol is so accessible. Unlike his rehab counterparts, who have to go through the following process:
1. Decide to drink
2. Get money from ATM
3. Walk to bottle shop
4. But alcohol
5. Drink
Essentially, the way I see it, if your fiancée doesn't drink in front of you, and there's no alcohol in your house, you have to make it though a number of the steps outlined above before you drink. Conversely, if there's alcohol readily available, those 'decision points'/steps aren't there.
Have a think about what YOU need to recover. If it's no alcohol in the house/no drinking, then make that your boundary. Relationships are about give and take. And perhaps, months/years down the track, alcohol won't bother you in the same way. But for now, if you've come here and posted, it might be a signal that it's something that needs to be addressed.
Good luck
Essentially RABF has been out of rehab for a little over a week and doing well. I'm in AlAnon and attend a support group run by the rehab facility. RABF's parents are alcoholics.
The day following RABF's discharge from rehab, his parents were openly drinking in front of him from 2pm until they went to bed. Not cool IMHO, but anyways.
RABF says it doesn't worry him. RABF's counsellor (at the support group) says that we shouldn't drink in front of RABF, or have alcohol in the house. No problems for me, I hardly drink anyway. His parents (obviously) don't follow the counsellor's guidance.
RABF says that he doesn't mind if his parents drink in front of him, or if there's alcohol in the house. HOWEVER, he did say that, if he makes the decision to drink, it's much easier for him as alcohol is so accessible. Unlike his rehab counterparts, who have to go through the following process:
1. Decide to drink
2. Get money from ATM
3. Walk to bottle shop
4. But alcohol
5. Drink
Essentially, the way I see it, if your fiancée doesn't drink in front of you, and there's no alcohol in your house, you have to make it though a number of the steps outlined above before you drink. Conversely, if there's alcohol readily available, those 'decision points'/steps aren't there.
Have a think about what YOU need to recover. If it's no alcohol in the house/no drinking, then make that your boundary. Relationships are about give and take. And perhaps, months/years down the track, alcohol won't bother you in the same way. But for now, if you've come here and posted, it might be a signal that it's something that needs to be addressed.
Good luck
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: Newburgh
Posts: 14
I have been asked by my fiance to stay at my mothers for a while. I have agreed to this because we have both been really frustrated with one another, and hope that a little time and space is what we need. We have a therapy appointment at 4:30, so hopefully we will gain some knowledge and useful tools to help us communicate and respect one another better.
I lay here in bed thinking what my life would of been like if I never had a drink. I probably would have graduated college earlier, already been through my first couple of early jobs to gain experence and continue on to be an engineer or better paid supervisor or manager. I may have even chosen a different major who knows. I know that I feel like I should have accomplished more in life by now. I just wonder what life would have been like if I never had a drop. Just some thought before I dose off,
the eyes are begining to get heavy. Goodnight friends of S.R)
I lay here in bed thinking what my life would of been like if I never had a drink. I probably would have graduated college earlier, already been through my first couple of early jobs to gain experence and continue on to be an engineer or better paid supervisor or manager. I may have even chosen a different major who knows. I know that I feel like I should have accomplished more in life by now. I just wonder what life would have been like if I never had a drop. Just some thought before I dose off,
the eyes are begining to get heavy. Goodnight friends of S.R
)
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 70
Goodnight Beingmyself. You're doing a wonderful job - 2 months sober is a magnificent achievement, and coming here and posting shows insight and maturity in dealing with your issue. Sleep well and I'm sure there will be more guidance from the SR family when you wake to comfort and help you.
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