nothopeful1

I'm reading on here for 2-4 hours a day. Getting stronger. Having ah ha moments left and right. I am going to first al anon meeting tomorrow.

I know I need to make a trip to book store. I see a couple of books referenced to a lot on threads that I will get. But reading some of the posts I see that there are rules like: not confronting the ah when he's drinking and living about it??!! Not to confront him with proof of his lies ie: empty bottles.

I'm already confused about detaching from someone that you married to attach to. I'm feeling hopeless about expecting any type of fulfilling relationship/marriage with my ah when he is through with long term rehab that he voluntarily went to to save our marriage. It's hard enough to realize this person is a drunk liar who is incapable of being responsible for anything he does while he still maintains he loves me so. Now I'm trying to educate myself on triggers, detaching, whomp whomp whomp whomp. Charlie Brown

Please help

nothopeful1

Lying about it not living about it. Sorry

Archangelesk

Codependent No More has been my favorite so far. The skills I am learning, like detachment, helped get me out of the fray. Which gave me a better a lilting to see the situation. Which has given me the strength to get out of it.

Tuffgirl

That's great. Keep reading, and try at least 5 Al-Anon meetings; all different. Sometimes it takes a few tries of different meetings to find a good fit.


These aren't rules as much as sanity-savers. He already knows he lies. And he will just lie more and get defensive if you try to confront him. So why bother, ya know? Save your sanity and energy for other things in your life where you can actually affect some change.

Detachment would be good here - simply standing back from this while he is in rehab and waiting to see what unfolds. You don't have to try to guess what the future holds. It will happen regardless. So occupy yourself with living your life. Spend time with family and friends, take walks in the spring sunshine, take up a new hobby, read some books, etc. Live your life every day. Cross the "what will happen to our relationship" bridge when you get there.

Detachment is an art, a skill one has to develop. It isn't ignoring him or giving him the silent treatment. It's more like refusing to engage in the alcoholism game, and finding joy and serenity regardless of his problems. It's letting him live his own life and make his own decisions, as well as experiencing the consequences therein. Detaching is a respectful move for you, and for him. Give him the dignity to figure this all out in his own way, on his own time schedule.

Bluegalangal

I'm confused about this too. Like, I'm supposed to call him on it - when he goes into a rant about some made up thing I've done (or something I'm *thinking* about him!) I'm supposed to say "Stop" or "Nonsense." But at the same time I'm supposed to detach and not worry about his recovery or what he's doing or what he thinks about me. Part of the problem is what he thinks about me! Sigh.

LexieCat

No, I don't know anyone who recommends "calling someone on it" when he goes into a rant. You can simply say, "I'm not up for arguing about it," and walk away. Saying, "Stop," or "Nonsense" is simply engaging in the argument, which is the opposite of detaching. There are other good responses, too: "I'm sorry you feel that way" is one I've always liked.

You can't control what ANYONE thinks about you. There's a saying I like: "What other people think about me is none of my business." They will think what they think. It's especially useless to try to control what an alcoholic thinks about you. The only way for them to think well of you is for you to do exactly what they want, when they want it.

As for worrying about his recovery, or what he's doing, has any of that ever AFFECTED his recovery or what he's doing? No? Then the worrying isn't helping him, but it is making YOU sick.

Recovering2

So sounds like he is currently, voluntarily, in long term rehab? Take a moment, breathe, be grateful he's where he is. This is the PERFECT time to focus on you. Detaching doesn't mean you need to stop caring about the partnership. It means you emotionally remove yourself from the disease. You don't get caught up anymore in the manipulation. Leave him to his path, and you focus on yours. When I learned to detach, and my BF went to rehab, our re'ship got stronger. It is one day at a time, I never forget that. But if you do the work that you need to do, "stay on your side of the street", and let him do his work....you will find serenity.