shari07

Hi all, I am new to this site, I have been reading lots of posts today and trying to learn a lot. I have been in a relationship with my abf for almost 4 years. it is a very bad relationship. sounds like a lot of them I have been reading. I have recently been trying to deal with his drinking behaviour in a better way,but nothing seems to work. Every fight every thing is always my fault. I know I would be better with out him I dont know whats wrong with me but I am so afraid that once I leave he may get sober then someone else will get to enjoy the man I love, he is wonderful when sober, which is rare. Hes a very jealous insecure man, he gets mad at me if any guy looks at me or says hello, he acusses me of always sleeping with everyone or anyone. I dont know why I feel like Im losing something everytime we break up which is often. I know in the long run Ill be ok, I dont understand why I feel so deppressed. ugh i know this is his problem, but I definatly understand the statement that a person can become addicted to the adict

fluffyflea

Alanon meetings would be good.

Dealing with an insecure,jealous alcoholic is a no-win situation. Try to focus on you and help yourself.

marie1960

Sorry, but I am not seeing worthy qualities here.

Jealousy, is an insecurity.

Jealousy can lead to rage, rage can lead to harm.

So, everything that is wrong with his life is your FAULT?

I would get the hell out of his life, and allow him to figure it out for himself.

YOU will remain his scapegoat as long as you allow it.

I wouldn't be too worried about this guy getting sober and being Mr. wonderful again.

He will still be jealous, controlling, and insecure.

Only you can raise the bar for yourself.

shari07

Thank you, I am trying to wrap my head around all of this! I have read some really great things, I knew I wasn't alone in living like this but it is nice to read other' posts and really relate. I have been thinking about al anon a good bit but I always seem to back out I am working my courage up to go.

Recovering2

Hi Shari, sorry you're going through this, but glad you're here. The active A is a brilliant manipulator. They can make us feel guilty for things we have nothing to do with. They can make us think we're at fault. We're responsible for that next drink. My RABF used to pick a fight with me, then tell me the reason he drank was because I fought with him. Ugh. It wasn't until I learned to detach, and not allow him to push my buttons and engage in an argument, that I realized it wasn't my fault.

Remember the 3 C's: You didn't Cause it, can't Cure it,and can't Control it. This is a progressive disease, so things will only get worse. Many many people on here talk about how great the A is when sober. The sober A and the drunk A are the same person, and as time goes on the drunk A takes over. Too many of us waste time "wishing" for the great guy, instead of accepting the reality of the guy in front of us.

Please go to Alanon. Every one of us is scared that first time. But once you sit down, you will realize you are in a room full of supportive friends. People in that room understand you like no one else can. Just imagine the people you're talking to on this site...all sitting in that room waiting to greet you.