Anon12

It is almost a year to the day that my relationship ended so I guess it's to be expected that I'm feeling sad but I feel like I've taken a massive step backwards in the last couple of days.

I'm sinking back into feeling rejected and also wondering what I could have done differently. I know deep down he is the one with the problem but I can't seem to shake that niggly feeling.

I told my XABF when we split up that we could be in touch in a year if he had been sober, working on his recovery. He clearly wasn't when I last saw him in July after being arrested for DUI and blaming everyone but himself for his situation. The last time we spoke was November as he was meant to be getting back to me with some information I had requested. He never did. The last I heard the court case was 'discontinued', I don't know why but he will see it as being proven right - he doesn't have a problem.

Anyway, it's nearly a year since he moved out of our flat and I kept reading here that alcoholics keep coming back, that they can't help it. Yet, he hasn't even texted me. I know this is for the best in the long term but it feels like the most painful rejection. My mind goes over and over things until I feel like I'm right back in the thick of it. I saw a picture of him on linkedin in one of those notification emails on what people are up to (I've since disconnected from him) and he looked sorted, professional, still in his job I guess. It's like he's fine and I'm the one left still hurt.

A while before we stopped speaking last year, he would send me messages occasionally to ask how I was. I didn't reply and eventually told him we should only be in contact re: financial arrangements we needed to sort. I told him I wasn't trying to be cold but I was trying to come to terms with the fact that he wanted to drink more than he wanted to be with me and that meant I needed to move on. He said he understood and wished me well. That was so painful - there was no fight for our relationship, it's like he gave up. Did what I say mean he thought I didn't want to be in contact if he did get sober? I hate the way I am analysing everything in absence of knowing anything.

My mum has been great and reminded me he wasn't sorting himself out months after we split up so he isn't going to contact me as I'd made my terms clear and he's not kept to them.

None of this is rational but if anyone can help me make any sense out of this, I'd really appreciate it. Thanks for reading.

marie1960

i said this the other day to someone else.

Time and distance away from the addict allows us to heal. But with time, the bad unacceptable behavior, begins to fade, and we find ourselves traveling down memory lane and remembering the good.

Next, we start the 'what if' , or wondering how he/she is.......

I guess this is only natural.

Allow yourself to feel, whatever it is you are currently feeling.

I now know , all my mistakes have meaning.

Anything I have ever felt, others have too.

We are all on the same path, searching for a fulfilled life.

Stay on your path, the journey continues....

Hugs.

Maylie

It is always hard when we finally accept that it is finally over. You might being feeling it extra hard now since although it was over, you might have in the back of your head told yourself that by a year he will get his act together and come back. We like to think that our addicts miss us and that since you said "In a year if you are sober and working on your recovery we can be in touch" and now it is a year you have to come to terms that instead he choose to keep drinking.

Just because many addicts/alcoholics come back doesn't mean that him not coming right back is a rejection. Look at it as you were firm when you stated your terms and that he knows he can't get you to cave in anymore so he isn't going to risk is easy lifestyle of drinking without any resistance.

He has shown you over and over again who he truly is, don't let a professional looking picture of him make you doubt what you know to be fact. Anyone can look okay in a picture or in public, that doesn't mean that a single thing has changed. Also, many alcoholics talk the talk and the loved one ends up feeling as if it was them that was the problem or that their loved one is doing so great now or with someone else and that they missed out on the person going back to being their real self. This is just not true. The person is trying to make you doubt yourself, or feel like it was your fault, or make you think that you are missing out. It is all a game of manipulation so never let a picture or what an alcoholic says make you doubt yourself.

I always recommend writing down all the reasons why someone breaks up with someone because as we get farther from the situation we start to only remember the good things. Our emotions kick in and suddenly we want to go back, but reminding yourself of why you left helps keep it in prospective.

This too will pass, just keep focusing on yourself. Right now while you are emotional it might be a good time to do some working on yourself and looking deep into yourself to work on different things that are eating at you.

You are much stronger than you think, take a deep breath and treat yourself today

Inter

Break ups are horrible regardless of the alcoholism, I'm sorry you've been feeling it recently. One phrase i repeat when I feel similar is 'this too shall pass'. You'll feel stronger and happier soon, less concerned about what he's up to.

And while you're right: it's hard to feel rational all the time, do remember that you're only setting yourself up for the same cycle if he's not been able to sort himself out (and appearances are very often deceptive!) xx

Inter

Damn! Posted at the same time as Maylie and their reply is similar but so much better! Can't seem to delete mine though..

Anon12

Thanks, this does help - I do sometimes doubt the past and then I remember the hidden vodka bottles, the going AWOL all night, the leaving me alone on holiday to go and drink with the locals. None of which is normal behaviour.

I wrote a list like this and it does help to look at it - I never want to go back to that feeling of not knowing when the bottom was going to fall out of my world, the gratitude I felt at having a 'normal' weekend without drinking, the watching him like a hawk. It's only now I realise how tired I was the whole time. I think it doesn't help that I just turned 40, all my friends are coupled up and having babies and I thought that would be me this year. I also see however that that would have been a disaster with an active alcoholic.

Thanks for all your comments.

brokenrose

Hi Anon12, your post spoke to me today, its been just over 6 months for me and I too feel like I've been sliding backwards these past few weeks....i am going to pm you...I hope that's ok.-Hugs from Canada

ZiggyB

It is very difficult but in time I hope you will see him being out of your life as a good thing.

I still think about the axbf a lot - it's hard not to, we were together for 3 years, I still have a lot of memories. After 10 months I still wonder what he's up to but I have severed all ties on social media and elsewhere.

You made the right decision, you don't want to be in a relationship with an addict. I found therapy helped me to re-claim my self-esteem and pick up some of the pieces.