Ellie80

How do you define detachment? How do you detach? How do you know if you have detached?

wicked

Wow! That is a lot of questions and a lot of answers to go with it.
do you mind telling what books you have read on the subject?
Detach from what? the addict? the behavior?
I mean, entire books have been written on the subject and it is simple, but not easy.

Detached is being happy no matter what the addict does.
Living your life and not waiting for some miracle to happen with your qualifier.

That is all I have right now.

Ellie80

I have read some books....

It is just such a hard concept for me to grasp.

Detach from the addict.

DesertEyes

For me detachment is when I stop trying to change the world to meet my expectations and start changing my expectations to meet the reality of the world.

Little by little. Using the "three A's" of recovery. Awareness, Acceptance, Action. I made a list of my expectations, kind of like a fourth step but focused on just the subject of expectations. I wrote out _who_ i was expecting to act in certain ways, _what_ I was expecting would result when they did what I expected, and _what_ I did to make sure they met my expectations.

Then I wrote down other people, places and things in my life of which I had similar expectations. Including me.

Once I got that written down, and shared with my sponsor, I took _one_ expectation at a time and wrote out what was _really_ happening in life. That's my "reality list", which I stuck up on my fridge to remind me every day of what _I_ need to accept.

When it doesn't hurt anymore. When my wife sneaking out to meet one of her lovers was no longer against my expectations it no longer hurt. When I stopped expecting an adict to act like _not_ an addict I no longer hurt when she acted like who she is.

I feel bad for her, I feel sorry for the life she has because I know the wonderful woman she used to be before the drugs. I know what her life _could_ be if she wanted so I hurt _for_ her, but I no longer hurt _because_ of her.

Mike

wicked

Thank you Mike.
As usual, I am amazed and awed by your ease of expressing these difficult concepts.
And I am so grateful you were here for Ellie80.

MTSlideAddict

I have learned that I have no control over my AH's drinking. If he gets argumentive I walk away. If he tries to get pushy I do not participate. Instead of allowing his manipulating arguments get to me I would do something for me. I had a little haven I escaped to if I wanted my "me" time, or if seeing him in that state made me extra sad. I would go into the bedroom, where my AH never goes, and read a book, or watch my favorite sitcom. I fixed it up the way I like. Brought in some candles. It's my little happy place, and is even still.

Detachment is disengaging from the problematic behaviors that an addict will cause. It is not participating in the unreasonable and unrealistic discussions the alcoholic will start. It is finding that place of happiness eiher within or elsewhere despite the addict's choices.

1newcreation

Thanks wicked!
You spoke right on...I've been taught not to feed into the anger, would I rather be happy or right, guard my serenity, restrain my tounge & don't participate etc. I have all this written on a sticky note in abbr so she doesn't know what it means. My question is how to stop giving in @ certain times when envelope is pushed so u end up blowing up?
I've only been to 1 alanon mtg so all this is new to me also

1newcreation

Hi Ellie,
I wish I knew what to tell u coz u possibly r in same boat as I am

Recovering2

I"ve seen detachment defined as emotionally separating yourself from the disease of alcoholism. It means you allow your loved one to be who they are, and experience whatever consequences they are faced with as a result of their choices. It means I don't have to react just because they provoke. Their mood, tone, inebriation doesn't have to determine my actions. It means I get out of their way, and let them follow the path they're on....even if I hate where it's leading. I don't look for alcohol, I don't count bottles, I don't count drinks, I don't follow them, I don't hide keys or money. I don't do any of the crazy stuff that only makes me ill.

I knew I had detached when I was able to come home and not engage in chaos. I knew what to realistically expect, and I just stayed focused on my path. I went to AlAnon, and worked on me. I left him to his path. For me, things got quieter at home because I wouldn't let him pull me in to things, and I didn't start anything either. I also made it a point to spend time with friends, and not rush home to hover.

dandylion

Dear Ellie, being the relative of an alcoholic, I can tell you that it is actually different from being a spouse of an alcoholic in some ways. More of a matter of degree than kind--sort of.

I am recalling your other posts about your relative. A really difficult situation. Being that you are in the field yourself--adds even another layer of difficulty that others might not have to deal with. (I am also in the helping profession).

This is too big to go alone. Seriously, I would consider getting a therapist to help you with your own processing right now--in addition to what you are already doing, of course.

You have my greatest empathy.

Also, hang on to the serenity prayer. Sometimes, that has been the only thing that got me through the day.

sincerely, dandylion

sunnshinegirl

Detaching to me has meant focusing on myself and my part in the relationship and to not be always caught up in the drama. I walk away, zone out to another place and focus on regaining control of my life. I can't make someone else be happy or change or be what I want them to me. He is who he is and I allow him to be.

Ellie80

Dandylion and all others...

I see my own therapist once a week....have for awhile.
Started going to al-anon last week.

Today i went to an al-anon/AA mtg w/ my father.....he showed me his 24 hr chip...I was shocked to know he has gone to an AA mtg since starting his IOP last week.

Then he got out his cell and was doing something (i would like to think he was making note of something that stood out in the mtg but who knows) i started to feel embarrased & pissed and kept thinking about how all my al-anon people were in that room & here is my father on his phone....

And then i just repeated to myself over and over "i am not him....i am not him"
I would say that was a moment of detachment.

Taxi

It's something I'm struggling with right now. RABF is fresh off a relapse, weekends are always a trigger for him because he's bored...and I'm not there. He's 17 hours away, and sometimes it's all I can do not to jump in my car and drive out there and just, I don't know. What can I do? I have no control, I have no control..I just keep repeating that to myself over and over. That's the first step. Learning how to detach from my emotions, to not spend every waking moment worried sick and crying and wondering if he's OK. Accepting the reality that he may not get better, and I will have to go on with my life if that's the case. Learning to live without the emotional validation I used to get from him when he was in a better place because I know he just doesn't have much to give right now. Learning how to love myself and be secure enough to not take the change in his behavior personally, understanding that it's not about me, it's about him and the addict brain and the games it will play to get what it wants. Being clear headed enough to recognize when he's trying to manipulate, trusting in my gut, learning to say no and walk away. Accepting that I may have to walk away forever someday. Trying to do all of this without going completely numb, still allowing myself to enjoy the good times with him. Learning to love him without letting that love destroy me if he ends up destroying himself.

wicked

Yes, it was a moment of detachment. also, none of your al-anon friends give a flip about what your father is doing. Remember that. They have their own qualifier.
No one cares about your qualifier.
They care about you.

Spantoh

You're the man, Mike.
Thanks!

JustanotherWOA

I've taken the car keys away. Not because I was trying to protect the alcoholic, but because I was trying to protect others on the road.

bigbasscat

For me, it means that for my own health and sanity, my relationship with my ABF must end. I'll treat her with respect along the way in this split, but it's over.