MTSlideAddict

Oh my. I have no idea if my AH had been drinking or not, but by the way tonight's events unfolded I have a strong suspicion that he had to have been. I got a call from my AH, but when I picked up he said, "I have an idea." I guess he has been sensing how I am disconnected from him lately. His idea was that I come home every day, and shower him with kisses and hugs and he'll do the same for me. I told him that I was unable to talk to him about our relationship at the moment because I was at work, and I explained to him that I would like to sit down together rather then to have such a talk over the phone. He completely ignored that request and insisted that I needed to try to show more affection toward our relationship. Frankly, that is the opposite of what I want or need. I repeated what I said, and explained that I had to get off the phone. He then asked, "so you're not going to try?" That question kind of pissed me off, but I just told him that he hadn't considered what I want, need, or even felt. I explained to him that this request of his is entirely one sided to cater toward his wants and needs. I explained to him that I didn't want to get into a big discussion, and once again told him that I had to get off the phone. He just said you need to at least try, and still insisted that I agree to do so. I said, "bye," in a rushed but nice tone, and I disconnected the call. He then repeatedly called me back, but I didn't answer.

An hour went by or so and then he called again. I answered this time, because I was hoping it would be about my niece who had invited her new boyfriend to the house for dinner. A little talk about that and then again started with the "you're going to try" question. When I told him again that our relationship was something that needed to be talked over one on one, when I did not just agree to this idea he started getting angry. I hung up as nicely as I could He called again when I was on my way home, and I answered. There was rain and a lot of traffic, so he asked where I was. I didn't hear him the first time so he repeated it snippy. I told him where I was and then he hung up. I started to get those knots in my stomach. He called like ten minutes later, but I didn't answer. I was on the phone with my mom then. He began to repeatedly call over and over. I didn't pick up.

When I got home he tried to give me this embrace and a smile. In his profession he was taught a word play technique that is great for marketing. It's kind of like an imbedded command. He tried to use that on me. He said that I needed to answer when he called especially if he called that many times. He said it could of been an emergency. He asked me, "you would want to pick up in an emergency wouldn't you?" I know the word play game so I just said leave it alone. He stormed off saying, "you have problems." He came back after a cigarette and asked me again if I would put an effort into this relationship. I told him that now was not the time to talk (my niece's boyfriend was still over). He then got all huffy and said that he was done. "He's finished," he said. I just said, "okay," and went about my business. He fell asleep on the couch like thirty minutes later.

I wonder what Prince Charming will say tomorrow?

SolTraveler

Oh, Wow. I am so sorry.

I just love how they turn it around on us like it is our fault. It isn't that he wrecked the relationship with his addiction - it is YOUR fault for not being affectionate.

The nerve.

Stay strong.

wicked

So sorry MTSlideAddict.
I know it sucks with the knot in the stomach.
an emergency? Silly man.
What could you do while driving a car in the rain?
Drive faster in the rain? to get to said emergency?
Yes, my ex used this on me too.
I stopped carrying around a phone.
I wanted one space that was mine to sing loudly and badly all alone.
My car.

Big Hugs for you.
I am sure whatever he says will be a repeat and you will know.

Beth

DAB

Is your AH in recovery?
Why aren't you straight up with him?
Your lack of communication would drive me nuts.
If he is in recovery, he may be wanting only to save your marriage. Men think differently than women. Physical affection makes men feel connected and want to talk, where women feel connected by talking and then want the physical attention.
If he is not in recovery, I suggest you disconnect from him as much as possible and do whatever you can to make yourself happy.
I know it takes a lot of time and possitive action to regain any trust. It sounds like you are not anywhere near trusting him yet if he is in recovery. You should tell him that you need more time if that's the case, if he is working a program, he will understand.
I wish you all the best.

MTSlideAddict

No he is not in recovery. He was dry for seven months to my knowledge, but then I started noticing him acting differently. I was just beginning to let down the protective fence around my heart. He has been binging in between dry weeks. He told me one day in February when I guess he realized he couldn't hide his level of intoxication. He promised me and my niece he would do thirty days straight in AA. I reminded him that I didn't want to remain in a relationship with an active alcoholic, but I was giving him some time. He went to AA for like a week and that was it. My problem is I didn't have a plan in place to follow my boundary. I'm working on that now. My therapist has actually just asked me to write a list of things I wanted to talk to him about, which will only happen when he is sober. I am going to go over the list with her next session. It is all geared toward ending this marriage.

P.S. Sorry about the edit. I hit the wrong button on the ipad app.

MTSlideAddict

Another interesting thing about this - my niece told me tonight that her new boyfriend asked her if he was drinking or something tonight. Apparently, he is not as slick as he believes in hiding his intoxication. Her boyfriend doesn't know anything about his drinking problem.

I was pretty confident he had been drinking when he kept trying to bully his idea onto me without any consideration to my feelings and needs. That is not like the sober him at all.

tromboneliness

Oh, I have a phone, all right -- but if I don't feel like answering it, I don't! There is no law that says you are required to answer your phone!

In fact -- being of a certain age -- thinking back a few years, doesn't it seem weird that there was a time when you'd hear a phone ring, and the cultural expectation (obeyed by everyone, all the time, basically) was that you would drop what you were doing, run to the phone, and answer it -- even though you had no idea who was calling or whether or not you wanted to talk to them? And that it was considered rude not to do so? That is truly bizarre!

When my Dad (1919-2010) started calling me more and more often, I just gradually started answering less and less often. That was the only way to get him to stop doing it!

As for the original post, this guy sounds like my qualifier, back when she used to call me several times a day at the office. Lucky thing the switchboard operator was an Al-Anoner -- she caught on quickly and would tell her I was in a meeting, out to lunch, or whatever she felt like saying.

And hey -- if it's an emergency, that's what 911 is for!

T

Recovering2

I am going to respectfully, completely, disagree with DAB. What lack of communication did you exhibit??? You were at WORK. He did not respect that. When you're at work, that is not the time to discuss your relationship. I agree that those are conversations that should happen face to face. Not in a text, not on the phone while at work. Sounds like you told him several times that this was not the time, and that you would talk later. He did not respect what you were saying, and started with the teenage behavior of multiple calls. Then he wants to get into this discussion while you have company. I would not have communicated about it either.

It's good to detach from this when it's happening. You did the right thing IMO. There is no rule that says you have to pick up the phone when you're driving. No rule that says you jump when he says jump. He is still drinking, so he's not able to see the effect it has on others. Keep your boundaries, and hold on to your serenity.

DAB

When she got home she should have simply told him... I break with thee, I break with thee, I break with thee! And then throw dog poop on his shoes.

LaughAway

Good for you for Not allowing him to manipulate you. AH are great manipulators and tend to guilt you into what they want or make you feel terrible when you say no. I've endured the mulitple calls many of times and when I don't answer the nasty text msgs start rolling in.

Again, good for you for staying strong!

choublak

I see a possible restraining order in the future.

DAB

This was a Steve Martin quote from one of his comedy albums.
I am sorry to anyone that found this attempt at humor inappropriate on this serious post.

SolTraveler

LOL, Dab... Sometimes we need a little levity.

wicked

I remember that bit by Steve Martin.
I laughed so loud, if only it were that easy!
there would be dog poop flying everywhere.
At least in my neighborhood.


Beth

PS I remember when the phone was answered at all times.
And there was no clue to who was calling.
Wow. busy signals. rotary dials.
sigh...i am getting younger every day.
I still do not have a cell phone.
I would like to get one, a very cheap one for emergencies on the road.
That is it, if I were stranded or in an accident.