Crazy question to spouse of an alcoholic
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Eastern U.S.
Posts: 64
Crazy question to spouse of an alcoholic
This may be a crazy question, but I am curious...
Why don't spouses of an alcoholic leave their alcoholic spouse?
My dad was an alcoholic and I was one of three children. My mom was a housewife, and did office work for my dad's business. She didn't have the means to leave my dad with the three of us. Also, I believe she had loved him until the day he died (even though they separated) after 25 years of marriage. It was the last straw and mom went to live with her dad. She said once she had to go live with her dad, she would not go back to my dad.
My son is an alcoholic and his wife is financially independent. I don't understand why she doesn't take the two children and leave?
I don't know that I could be such a good person and stay.
I guess people could ask me why I still love my son... and I would say a mother loves their children forever, unconditionally. He is part of me. I don't know the answer is a good one...but that is all I have.
Why don't spouses of an alcoholic leave their alcoholic spouse?
My dad was an alcoholic and I was one of three children. My mom was a housewife, and did office work for my dad's business. She didn't have the means to leave my dad with the three of us. Also, I believe she had loved him until the day he died (even though they separated) after 25 years of marriage. It was the last straw and mom went to live with her dad. She said once she had to go live with her dad, she would not go back to my dad.
My son is an alcoholic and his wife is financially independent. I don't understand why she doesn't take the two children and leave?
I don't know that I could be such a good person and stay.
I guess people could ask me why I still love my son... and I would say a mother loves their children forever, unconditionally. He is part of me. I don't know the answer is a good one...but that is all I have.
Recovering!
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 34
Mine was a partner, not a spouse... but...
I didn't leave him because I loved him, because there were good times, because he was more than his addiction (until the end), and probably also because he was familiar.
Also, the (thus far empty) promises to change helped keep me in place.
I didn't leave him because I loved him, because there were good times, because he was more than his addiction (until the end), and probably also because he was familiar.
Also, the (thus far empty) promises to change helped keep me in place.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 8
I am married to an alcoholic. We have been together off & on for 33 years. We share two wonderful kids. I think maybe it's like arabhorselvr said. The promises to change keep me here. The thought that there are some good (sober) days. I have thought about leaving but then he would be completely alone. I am afraid that he will never climb out of the bottle at all if we left him. He was a good man at one time. I suppose that the main reason is love. As much as it hurts. It's always love.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 168
I stayed because the first 22 years were very good and we have 3 wonderful kids. He was always very "high functioning" and didn't become really dependent until his 40s for about 6 years. He always worked, helped out at home and was rarely really "drunk". He was the A that started with beer at 5 oclock every day (then 4, then 3 and of course much earlier on weekends/holidays/vacation) was more obnoxious each and every evening, and slowly becoming more and more depressed and just an ass. The only time we ever fought was a result of his drinking and it got to the point i didnt want to go in public with him because of his passive/agressive snarky comments that embarassed me to no end. Most people thought he was just a jackass and had no idea it was the result of how much he drank.
For my RAH it progressed slowly over the years, and looking back i was kind of like a frog in a pot that doesn't really know it's slowly dying. I didn't know what "normal" or social drinking was. I quite drinking anything years before because I always had to drive home.
Once I found AlAnon, started my own recovery, and set some boundaries things started to change. I think he tried several time to slow down and tried to quit and realized he couldn't alone, until he went to AA. I wasn't going to stick around and stay on the crazy merry-go-round, and he finally knew it. We had a very difficult 4 or 5 years in the middle of our 29 year marriage thats for sure!!!! He has been sober 4 years and our marriage has slowly recovered.
Reading some of the posts on here, I would have left long before many here so I pray for strength for each one that's struggling. I know the desperation and the struggle and my situatution wasn't nearly as "challenging" (for lack of a better word).
I have learned in my almost 50 years that life is short!!!! Find your joy and happiness and leave the crazies behind
For my RAH it progressed slowly over the years, and looking back i was kind of like a frog in a pot that doesn't really know it's slowly dying. I didn't know what "normal" or social drinking was. I quite drinking anything years before because I always had to drive home.
Once I found AlAnon, started my own recovery, and set some boundaries things started to change. I think he tried several time to slow down and tried to quit and realized he couldn't alone, until he went to AA. I wasn't going to stick around and stay on the crazy merry-go-round, and he finally knew it. We had a very difficult 4 or 5 years in the middle of our 29 year marriage thats for sure!!!! He has been sober 4 years and our marriage has slowly recovered.
Reading some of the posts on here, I would have left long before many here so I pray for strength for each one that's struggling. I know the desperation and the struggle and my situatution wasn't nearly as "challenging" (for lack of a better word).
I have learned in my almost 50 years that life is short!!!! Find your joy and happiness and leave the crazies behind
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
I am afraid that he will never climb out of the bottle at all if we left him.
How old are your children? I wonder how they feel about leaving?
I grew up with an alcoholic father, it was a nightmare.
I went on to marry two women hating alcohol abusers and became an alcoholic myself.
That is what is possible when kids grow up with alcoholism.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 91
After 24 years we will be divorcing. I spent years trying to hide his drinking. As he hit his 50's it got really bad as it does with very long term alcoholics. When we were younger we all drank but he was always at the extreme level. When we had kids I no longer drank as someone else mentioned I was always the "designated driver". Over the last three years it has been hell. He did outpatient, inpatient, AA and did have 12 months and 8 months of sobriety but has fallen off the wagon again. He is a nasty drunk and says terrible hateful things. Which he doesn't remember, but I do. Throught the grace of Alanon I have learned many tools that have allowed me to value myself. I also have to be an example for my kids, now in hs and college to show them what a well, strong adult does to find peace in their life. It has taken a long time to get to this place. There was always that faith that he would get better and be the husband and father we all wanted. I felt we almost had it. But now it is time to move on. Very sad. Thank goodness I have two great kids out of this relationship.
I have a real estate guy coming tomorrow to give me an estimate. I am anxious to move on to the future and start a new life. It's my turn now.
I have a real estate guy coming tomorrow to give me an estimate. I am anxious to move on to the future and start a new life. It's my turn now.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 91
Just more
Also my hs daughter who has been in this terrible mess the last three years is sad to leave her home but is also anxious to have life without the embarrassment of her drunk father. She calls me in tears when she gets home from school every day about her father's condition. She then takes his car keys and hides them. My college son comes home next week. I will need him to help with cleaning and throwing out 20 years of stuff.
What breaks my heart and worries me is that my husband has no support system. He never had an AA sponsor. Over the years he has pushed away long time friends that they no longer invite us to get togethers. I then see the party and BBQ's pictures on facebook and I miss what has been lost. I have called one of his sisters he is close to so she can be aware as to what is going on. He will be by himself in some studio apartment. Drinking. So, so sad. I recently went to a funeral for a town friend that did the same thing. Isolated herself, drank and then died in a hospital after the liver damage killed her.
What breaks my heart and worries me is that my husband has no support system. He never had an AA sponsor. Over the years he has pushed away long time friends that they no longer invite us to get togethers. I then see the party and BBQ's pictures on facebook and I miss what has been lost. I have called one of his sisters he is close to so she can be aware as to what is going on. He will be by himself in some studio apartment. Drinking. So, so sad. I recently went to a funeral for a town friend that did the same thing. Isolated herself, drank and then died in a hospital after the liver damage killed her.
Last edited by winnie1202; 05-10-2013 at 08:36 PM. Reason: addition
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Texas
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It depends on their level of functionality, as some have mentioned. My ABF is (for now) highly functioning and he is able to limit himself to 2-3 nights per week. For now. The rest of the time we get along very well and he is a great stepfather to my kids, who adore him.
It is also the hope that they will get better. My ABF knows he is treading a thin line and, although he has made no promises to quit, he is researching on his own and starting to think about it - not prompted by me. That gives me hope, for now.
A lot of people see the spouse/partner of the A and think we are fools - it isn't that. Most of the time, we are not completely taken in. We just aren't ready yet, or they are still functioning, or we still have just enough hope to keep us going. Over time, that tends to change. If my ABF becomes non-functional or I no longer believe that he will ever seek recovery (and as someone who has been sober for one year, I know the signs), I will leave, as much as it will hurt. I will have to, for the kids.
It is also the hope that they will get better. My ABF knows he is treading a thin line and, although he has made no promises to quit, he is researching on his own and starting to think about it - not prompted by me. That gives me hope, for now.
A lot of people see the spouse/partner of the A and think we are fools - it isn't that. Most of the time, we are not completely taken in. We just aren't ready yet, or they are still functioning, or we still have just enough hope to keep us going. Over time, that tends to change. If my ABF becomes non-functional or I no longer believe that he will ever seek recovery (and as someone who has been sober for one year, I know the signs), I will leave, as much as it will hurt. I will have to, for the kids.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
I hope you get this message.
My son is an alcoholic and his wife is financially independent. I don't understand why she doesn't take the two children and leave?
I don't know that I could be such a good person and stay.
I don't know that I could be such a good person and stay.
Do you ask your daughter in law, "Why do you stay with my son, the alcoholic? You can leave him at any time and support yourself, why do you stay? Get my grandchildren away from this sick man who only I can love unconditionally."
I guess people could ask me why I still love my son... and I would say a mother loves their children forever, unconditionally. He is part of me. I don't know the answer is a good one...but that is all I have.
Unconditionally?
He is not a part of you, (the cord was cut when he was born right?) he is a grown man with a family of his own.
Are you the only one with enough love for your alcoholic son?
Is it possible your daughter in law loves him too, even though she does not love him as "unconditionally" as you think you do?
You honestly do not see a connection between the way you grew up and what is happening with your son?
Your mother lived with an alcoholic for 25 years? And your reason is she could not support all of you. Why should she have to?
This whole conversation is moot.
Your mother stayed with your father, and no, finances are not a good enough reason to raise children with an alcoholic.
It was not right for you to be raised that way, and it was not fair.
It was not fair for me to be raised that way, but it happened.
It has happened so many times, generation after generation until it stops.
Why not support your daughter in law to stop this generational madness with this generation. Right now. Ask her what you can do to help her get the kids away from the hell of an alcoholic home.
I know what it was like.
You know what it was like.
Please in the name of Real Unconditional Love (my HigherPower) stop those kids from knowing what it is like.
Beth
Oh, it is definitely not just about the money. After a few years of living with the illness you get sick yourself. Maybe you saw that in your own home?
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Eastern U.S.
Posts: 64
I appreciate your responses. Your reasons... I hear and understand. I was curious. Thank you.
My mom, like most of you, loved my dad. She knew him since high school, he went off to fight in WWII, and returned to marry my mom and have three children. Many women were 'housewives/mothers' when I grew up. There were a handful who had careers. Times change. Nowadays, most women have careers along with the men.
Promises to change...as a child, I remember my dad promising my mom.
Keep the faith. Life has so many twists and turns.
My mom, like most of you, loved my dad. She knew him since high school, he went off to fight in WWII, and returned to marry my mom and have three children. Many women were 'housewives/mothers' when I grew up. There were a handful who had careers. Times change. Nowadays, most women have careers along with the men.
Promises to change...as a child, I remember my dad promising my mom.
Keep the faith. Life has so many twists and turns.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Eastern U.S.
Posts: 64
Originally Posted by bless5 
I have learned in my almost 50 years that life is short!!!! Find your joy and happiness and leave the crazies behind
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 183
Originally Posted by arabhorseluvr
Mine was a partner, not a spouse... but...
I didn't leave him because I loved him, because there were good times, because he was more than his addiction (until the end), and probably also because he was familiar.
Also, the (thus far empty) promises to change helped keep me in place.
I didn't leave him because I loved him, because there were good times, because he was more than his addiction (until the end), and probably also because he was familiar.
Also, the (thus far empty) promises to change helped keep me in place.
And, now that is no longer enough. I am starting to love me more. I'm still learning.
Baby steps.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 8
How old are your children? I wonder how they feel about leaving?
The kids are 22 & 19 . K and I divorced back in 2000 after 20 years, then got back together in 2008. The kids have been through alot over the years, but they are probably more sane than me & K. They stay out of the house when K is drunk. They are developing their own lives. If I did leave (again) I know that they would understand. One night after a big drunken blow out my daughter looked at me and said "well you are the one who took him back". She is right.
Another thing I didn't mention before is that K has a pre cancerous condition.
So I think that is another reason why I stay. He seems to be on a downward spiral. Wishing for death before he gets the full blown cancer.
The kids are 22 & 19 . K and I divorced back in 2000 after 20 years, then got back together in 2008. The kids have been through alot over the years, but they are probably more sane than me & K. They stay out of the house when K is drunk. They are developing their own lives. If I did leave (again) I know that they would understand. One night after a big drunken blow out my daughter looked at me and said "well you are the one who took him back". She is right.
Another thing I didn't mention before is that K has a pre cancerous condition.
So I think that is another reason why I stay. He seems to be on a downward spiral. Wishing for death before he gets the full blown cancer.
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