arabhorseluvr

Did your addict ex come back? Under what circumstances? Who dumped who?

Mine left me for a woman who has a child nearly my age, and a preteen at home. He's still drinking, though not keeping alcohol in the home.

Will he be back when he realizes she's crazy?

Archangelesk

I mean this in the most gentle, loving way. Perhaps it would be better if he did not come back. Certainly not unless he is well into recovery on his own.

At the same time, as I am the one about the do the leaving, I completely recognize that I worked my way up to the point where I was ready to do this. And I needed that time to make my way through a thicket of emtional baggage. If he had left me before I did all this emotional stretching, I might have been reeling for a long, long time.

I am so sorry this has happened to you, Arabhorseluvr.

arabhorseluvr

It's better if he doesn't come back now... that's for sure. But it really pisses me off to think that he's now going to do his work and this woman (who he started sleeping with while we were still together) is going to reap all the benefits.

Archangelesk

That does completely suck.

Although, I suppose she will also have the benefit of all his crazy too. I feel badly for her children.

AnvilheadII

what BENEFITS exactly? he's STILL drinking and cheats on his partner(s) AND walked out on you. sobriety should there ever be any will really only address the DRINKING part....he'll still be a cheater and a quitter.

Terrispots

WHAT SHE SAID!!! I love that Anvil!

peridotbleu

You are coming out the Winner in this situation! It doesnt sound like he is anywhere close to recovery...It may hurt, but given time I think you will be thanking your lucky stars that you arent having to deal with him!
Hang in there!

Fandy

I read this somewhere....

"The X comes back when they discover that NO ONE ELSE WANTS THEM"...hopefully that will be you too.

you don't want someone who disrespects, lies and cheats on you.

Hopeworks

Sigh... It's hard to shake an alcoholic. They come back.... Unfortunately as they are usually still very toxic and returning is usually to prey upon whom will allow it.

fourmaggie

mine never came back because according to him-- I AM TO BLAME *snikers*
al anon did that for me...and i love it...i take ownership of changing for the a better...

and he can stay away....no contact for more than 3 years now...and enjoy it!

honeypig

Yeah, I guess what would make him "do his work" now? I'm not a gambler, but my money would be on him heading straight down the same track he is on.

Don't feel cheated, thank your lucky stars you are out of the situation--and as time passes, you will be able to do that. Just keep trudging forward one day at a time, knowing he is staying stationary....

owathu

I have to agree, if he didn't "do his work" while with you, what's his motivation now? I have an AH who runs away, cheats and quits as well. I am finally at the point where I do not want him to come back, as I just cannot do this with him again. It's actually nice having peace in my house and no drama, no drunk sitting there when I get home, and no wondering when he's vamoose again.

My Ah says he left to get sober, but I think he thinks I am a moron. If he does, GREAT. And if he does without me, TERRIFIC. At least he is/will be getting sober. And at least I get the opportunity to unlearn bad behaviors and get my self esteem back. That's even better.

If he doesn't? Well, that's no longer my problem, and she can have him. She wanted him that bad, go ahead, take the alcoholic off my hands! (She knows we are married) Good luck to her.

atalose

I'd think it would be better if he never came back and you got your life on a healthier track so you wouldn't want to take him back.

she didn't win any prize here!!

helltoraise

I am struggling with self worth issues. I have my good and bad days. My exbf abuses alcohol and has bipolar. He left me to move out west. (hasn't happened yet) and to date other women. He came back and ran hot/cold for five months. He says he loves me, but I can't be the last/only woman he loves. He says he wants to fall in love.....It hurts....I can't get past the fact that even an alcoholic feels he can find better elsewhere. He even said that....he said he was happy with me, but it wasn't pure happiness. I invested 3 years of my life in this man.

Shadydeal

I am ashamed to say this but I can't tell you the number of times my XABF left & returned. Most of the time there was another women involved which he blamed on his drinking & I so wanted to believe that RIGHT! I did believed it! Geeeee! I think they always come back if we allow them! They need someone to support them when they are down/out! (Sorry for the bad attitude)

However, I totally understand where you are coming from in your feelings. My XABF is no longer in the same State & is now living w/an old high school flame (of course the communication started while living under my roof). To make a long story short...I had enough after several years & I kicked him to the curb! He left the state w/another women which was also an active A (he met in Rehab that I put him thru) that was a mess and he was thrown in jail. Of Course he had to sober up while in jail and when released he ended up finding a nice place to live/someone to take care of him (the old high school flame). He ended up on probation and is/has been sober! Forced I guess! He will be forced to go to AA. I truly want him to have/live a sober life & still do but it still hurts! I really wanted to enjoy that sober time w/him! I keep thinking he is going to get it this time bc he has to stay sober! I put up with so much & supported him! I have often wonder what the success rate is for A that are on probation after released. Anyway, It bothers me at times!

I always have to remind myself of the reality.....He is who/what he is and not who I wanted him to be! Yes, I am hurt beyond words but he isn't coming back in my life! I can't allow it! I did it way too many times! It does hurt! I do feel cheated but in fact I know I am blessed! You are too! Just remind yourself he isn't your problem!

SolTraveler

My mother left my father, who was an active alcoholic. He got sober and is still married to the woman he met in rehab 33 years ago. It hurts my mother deeply to this day - I guess she inwardly hoped he would get sober and come back.

Sometimes they do not.

But my mother believes, and I think she is right, that he never would have gotten sober with her around. They had too much history and had she kept taking him back, it would have been the same patterns of behavior over and over again until he drank himself to death. So she finds some small consolation in that.

My 2 cents - he will probably be back, but you are probably better off without him, as horribly painful as that is. I hope that you are able to use the time apart to care for you and to heal from all of the tings he put you through. ((Hugs))

lillamy

I left. My ex got sober. He talked a lot about his recovery. Took the children to family groups and such. Meanwhile, he was pummeling me with "look how good I am. Even though you left me. You were a crappy wife but I'm magnanimous enough that I will take you back so you can get another shot at being a good wife."

Which later, when he realized I wouldn't come back, and that he didn't have to keep up the acting like a recovering alcoholic anymore, turned into "I hate you you [insert insults here] you've ruined my life so come back to me."

And then, as his disease progressed, it turned into more and more absurd conspiracy theories and things like "In God's eyes, you are still my wife" and "I will always have a right to your body."

He didn't come back because there's no chance in hell that I would ever let him. Even if I were to be alone for the rest of my life, it would be a thousand times better than living with him. As long as he is alive, I will never feel completely safe.

Not that I have any animosity towards him or anything...

wicked

For the few I have known (sadly, the ex and friends and family) the success rate was zero percent.
That is right. Out of six alcoholic/addicts not one achieved sobriety and recovery by being forced into it.
The most was my 30 year old son who put together about 8 months of real sober life.
That's it.
And if they have been to jail/prison more than once, wow, I do not know of anyone that made it.

Sassydog. You know what I am gonna say. Let go honey. Let go so your hands are open to something great that was truly meant for you.
You deserve the best life you can get for yourself.
Alcoholics are hurdles to happiness.
Every time you think you got them worked out, they come and lay down in front of you again. And they usually smell worse and have no money.
Its true. Please don't ask me how I know.

Beth

SolTraveler

Oh, man... (Snort) it's so funny, yet so true and depressing...

deeker

She'll probably send him packing in a few weeks.