pianowoman

I am just 4 months into recovery-alcohol and Xanax. I am a teacher. Everyday, sometimes several times a day, I relive those final terrible, humiliating moments of shame that morning, when I was escorted out of my school under the influence, taken by an administrator to Urgent Care, where I blew .24. Even typing this makes my heart beat faster and my hands sweat.

I have come so far from that terrible day. AA is a big part of my life and recovery. I am happier that I have been in years, am running long distance training runs again, and devoted to regular practice of Yoga. I am retired from teaching, which I now realize made me miserable. I live in the same neighborhood as the school. I must drive past the school whenever I leave home. I see people who know me and am sure they wonder why I retired in the middle of the year.

The strongest trigger to relapse for me are the terrible memories of what happened. Sometimes, I am unable to continue my days because of that memory. I am haunted, I guess. How do we cope with dealing with our past?

Soberween

That same thing happened to my sister. She was very high level with the federal government and passed out in her office with an empty bottle of Jack Daniels under her desk at 7:00 in the morning. She was driven home and the next day took a flight to flight to do rehab in Florida. She was so humiliated that she was almost suicidal. Well that will be eight years ago this coming August and now she barely even thinks about it. She says the past is the past and I think she means it. She is a completely different person. She has been sober ever since that day. This will happen with you. Just keep doing what you are doing and remember that time heals all wounds. Oh that and I grew up in Fairfax County and everybody in Northern Virginia is constantly in a frenzy being stuck in the vortex of DC. I doubt anyone even thinks twice about it (if they even know about it at all).

least

The best thing to do in letting go of the past is to keep moving forward. Sounds like you're doing that. I know it's hard but little by little you'll come to feel less shame and guilt until you don't feel it at all. I was overcome by regret when I stopped drinking and it took me a while to get over it. But I did and so can you.

instant

I think over time you can come to a new understanding. In retrospect the lowest point can be seen as the beginning not the end.

Do whatever nourishes you

Natom

Part of recovery is pain. The best spiritual and emotional growth comes from experiencing extreme pain, shame and guilt. It may hurt now but in the long run it is going to really benefit you. I used to have dreams that really upset me. They were one long feature film of all my wrongs and all my worst times. I had to sit through them at the time but they put me where I am today and made me the person I am in my recovery. The pain will soften but when it's at it's strongest you should learn as much as possible from it. Write about it. Talk to other members about it. Live through it and you will achieve growth.

Natom.

LadyinBC

Congrats on 4 months PW that is awesome!

I really have no advice as I didn't have to deal with this sort of thing at my work. I was on stress leave when I hit my bottom so they didn't know. You can't change the past and sometimes we need to look at things as blessings in disguise. They gave you a gift in a way if that makes any sense. It made you realize that you really needed to do something. Please dont' be too hard on yourself, it sounds like you are making great progress and you should be so proud of yourself!

visch1

Hi. When I was having difficulties I spoke to my sponsor and often he would refer me to what he called the most important literature AA has. A meeting list and the big book. It's worked for 30+ years. Naturally that included sharing with others and listening. BE WELL

ru12

I find that people think about us much less than we imagine. Though this event was painful it made you aware that you really had to change your behavior. And you have! How remarkable! I too needed a jolt to start me down the path of sobriety. It gets better.

fhl41

Forgive yourself

Ptcapote

Hi Pianowoman. Thanks for starting this thread as it is something I think about often as well and was recently reminded of my "rock bottom." Mind you, I didn't stop there---it took me another year and a half---but it was the closest to rock bottom I could imagine getting and it is a constant reminder. I travel almost a third of the year for my job so I spend a ton of time on planes and in airports. Two years ago I was doing a consultancy for the Australian government and was being flown from DC to Canberra once a month for four months straight. The Aussies are much more civilized than the Americans when it comes to treating their consultants right so I was flown out business class every time with full access to the business class lounge at the airport (read: as much as I wanted to drink for free for as long as I wanted to drink). On one return layover in Los Angeles after a particularly brutal fight on the phone with my ex, I decided to really lay it on in the lounge. Long story short: I ended up in a hospital in LA the next day having no idea how I got there. Turns out I was kicked out of the lounge only to pass out in a restaurant in another part of the airport. I remembered nothing---complete black out---but the airline didn't forget.

Luckily, I did not lose my job or the contract but now, each and every time I fly that particular airline's US affiliate, I have to go through this elaborate procedure of giving contact details of at least two relatives and the first time I flew after that incident I had to sign a waiver that I would not hold the airline responsible should I have a "self-induced medical emergency." (Those aren't the exact words but it was something similar---and humiliating---enough). I try my best to avoid flying that airline but I have had to do so twice recently with a colleague who questioned me endlessly about the genesis of my special treatment so it's a constant reminder. Still stings and causes me to feel sick but it also reminds me of how bad it was. Self-forgiveness has been the hardest part but, with AA, I am learning. But I hear you on the embarrassment. I feel like each and every one of those airline employees, and of course the entire continent of Australia, must know who I am and what happened to me.

Ridiculous, but it feels that way. So, yeah, I hear you.

Mizzuno

Thank you for sharing. Many of us can relate to your experience. Two months ago, I was on a flight with my boss, and coworker. I ended up in a psychotic drunken emotional breakdown in the bathroom of the flight. Of course I was fired. I am recovering. You are recovering. This, all of this, takes time. My shame runs deep. The humiliation creeps in, and at times I feel like I can't breathe. When I think about that experience, I just want to bury myself away. I can't do that though. We have to move through this the best way we can. It's one day at a time. I have received so much support and love here. I know you will experience the same.

bigsombrero

You will get over this, as you learn to focus forward. The past is done. I'm guilty of a lot more than people even know of, but it doesn't even matter - there is no such thing as a time machine (I checked on google, can confirm there is no time machine).

Your insight and satisfaction with your recovery really comes through. Congratulations on your sobriety. I am not far ahead of you, just 10 months in, I also did treatment. Do you think it's really the sight of the school? I mean, I often have regrets when a certain song comes on the radio. Or when I think of a certain city, where things I did went wrong. The smell of a certain perfume.

Regret is everywhere, in all of us. We just have to stop picking at it, and let it be. Those wounds will heal on their own, the best thing to do is look ahead and have the courage to change the things you can.

SereneEdition

Welcome PW -

Congrats on 4 months!

Time will heal. Working through your pain with a counselor will help speed up this time & help you learn coping tools that many of us alcoholics didn't develop (as we used to turn to drink). You're worth it.

quitforme79

I too am still traumatized about my bottom & what happened to me. My sponser said that every sober day I have doing the next right thing brings me further & further away from the person I was while drinking. That sounds simple but it's concrete & helps. You're doing awesome, be proud & give yourself credit

pianowoman

Thanks for all of your insightful advice and support. I am still learning to use this SR site, and didn't find all of your responses until today.

The events of that day in December, as horrible as they were, probably, no- make that DID save my life. The people who truly care and are significant in my life will not attach the dreaded stigma to my alcoholism and recovery.. I will find a way to continue to be a teacher in a different way. I realize how frustrated and desperately unhappy I was in my job. Standardized testing, unrealistic expectations, prohibiting creativity, impossible workload, added to my despair. I know from a friend that my 1st grade students are doing fine. Leaving them in the middle of the year was so painful that I cried when I thought about them.

Keep sharing, sorry I rambled on. I'll be 6 months sober on Monday, June 3.

Hevyn

I'm glad you posted about your feelings, pianowoman. I'm so sorry for what you endured during that frightening time.

I agree that you must let those painful memories go. I'm sure they're fading with every passing day - I certainly hope so. I did the same thing - replayed in my mind the terrible & humiliating end to my drinking career. I made a complete fool of myself at work. I confused and hurt so many people who had respected me & thought they knew me. I finally grew tired of the guilt and remorse, though. I knew it was going to keep me from moving forward if I didn't put it on a shelf. Learn from it - but don't dwell on it. The person who behaved that way is not the real pianowoman. She is rising above this and going on with her life - and it'll be better than ever.

Congratulations on your upcoming 6 months sober!

Anna

Be proud of yourself and how far you've come.

I also was very unhappy with my job when I began to drink. I simply wouldn't let myself accept that I hated my job so I could begin to deal with the feelings involved and DO something about it. Instead, I continued working, self-medicating with alcohol and becoming more and more depressed and isolated.

Your memories will probably never leave you and maybe that's a good thing in a way. But, they will definitely ease up. Learning to forgive yourself is so very, very hard. And, for me, it's an ongoing process. It didn't happen all at once.

neferkamichael

Pianowoman, 4 months sober? You are . Congratulations. I believe remembering how bad it got is a good way make sure it never happens again.