Need help with alcoholic father
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Join Date: May 2013
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Need help with alcoholic father
Hi there. I’m an alcoholic, sober for 7 years (used to be part of this forum back then and it helped me heaps, couldn't remember my username or anything though!). I also used to be married to another, still actively drinking, alcoholic. My father and sister are also alcoholics. My sister does not drink and is new to sobriety. Dad won’t admit he has a problem. Anyway, my problem is to do with my father. When I was married, post-drinking days, I caused some tension at family events when my ex-husband started hitting the booze, especially when it was with my dad. By that I mean I was extremely uptight and anxious a lot of the time. I got angry at him more than once when he wouldn’t stop drinking, though I never screamed at him in public or anything (just saved that till we got home 
). My father and my stepmother in turn got angry at me for “ruining things.”
I left that man three years ago and have been with another man for just over a year. He drinks sometimes but does not have a problem with it. The other weekend my dad invited my partner and some others to a sporting event. Afterwards they went to a bar. My partner texted me and asked me to pick him up as I was out with my stepmother and heading home. We pulled in at the bar and I texted him to say we were here. I could see him through the window and he had a beer. I waited a few minutes and texted him again. Still no answer. So I went in and said “I’ve texted you twice.” He said that Dad had bought him a drink, so I said ok, do you want to stay. He was worried about dad’s reaction if he left given that dad had just bought drinks and food for everyone. He said he’d finish the drink and walk home (we live 15 mins away) and I said ok and left. That was it, except when he got home he told me that dad had started making comments to my stepmother than offended her and that dad was hitting the red wine which makes her crazy.
Then two nights ago my father and step mother came around to our house, and my dad told me that on the forthcoming family holiday we are having, that I am not to be texting my partner when he’s out having time with the boys “like I did when he was at the rugby”. (I never texted him by the way except to reply to his pick-up text). He then proceeded to launch into how “uncomfortable” everyone had felt when I had come in with a “cross look on my face.” My stepmother then chimed in saying it was no big deal so why had I been cross, and then she started urging my partner to “tell the truth” about what I had said and how I had looked. We both felt completely blindsided, and my partner was pretty upset. He felt like he had not supported me as he stayed silent during the argument, but he just froze and didn’t know what to do. By the way, I totally trust my partner- he had no part in this.
Honestly writing this makes me feel completely embarrassed because it sounds so childish and I am almost 40 years old. But I actually don’t know where to go from here. My partner has said that he’s not going to try and please my father anymore if it’s something he doesn’t want to do. But in two weeks’ time we are heading away to Fiji where all the extended family will be together and I feel as though everything I say or do will be misinterpreted, and that also Dad will put my partner under pressure and if he doesn’t go along with his stupid boys stuff, I will be blamed. My dad seems to think that if a man doesn’t want to party with the boys or have a drink it is because they are doing not what they want but what the women want. Dad has also said there will be no reactions to his drinking on this trip because it is his birthday and he can “do what he wants.” I am actually starting to hate him and as for my stepmother, well she is a hypocrite.
There has been no communication since they left. If you’ve suffered through this embarrassing story and have any advice to share, I’d appreciate it.
). My father and my stepmother in turn got angry at me for “ruining things.” I left that man three years ago and have been with another man for just over a year. He drinks sometimes but does not have a problem with it. The other weekend my dad invited my partner and some others to a sporting event. Afterwards they went to a bar. My partner texted me and asked me to pick him up as I was out with my stepmother and heading home. We pulled in at the bar and I texted him to say we were here. I could see him through the window and he had a beer. I waited a few minutes and texted him again. Still no answer. So I went in and said “I’ve texted you twice.” He said that Dad had bought him a drink, so I said ok, do you want to stay. He was worried about dad’s reaction if he left given that dad had just bought drinks and food for everyone. He said he’d finish the drink and walk home (we live 15 mins away) and I said ok and left. That was it, except when he got home he told me that dad had started making comments to my stepmother than offended her and that dad was hitting the red wine which makes her crazy.
Then two nights ago my father and step mother came around to our house, and my dad told me that on the forthcoming family holiday we are having, that I am not to be texting my partner when he’s out having time with the boys “like I did when he was at the rugby”. (I never texted him by the way except to reply to his pick-up text). He then proceeded to launch into how “uncomfortable” everyone had felt when I had come in with a “cross look on my face.” My stepmother then chimed in saying it was no big deal so why had I been cross, and then she started urging my partner to “tell the truth” about what I had said and how I had looked. We both felt completely blindsided, and my partner was pretty upset. He felt like he had not supported me as he stayed silent during the argument, but he just froze and didn’t know what to do. By the way, I totally trust my partner- he had no part in this.
Honestly writing this makes me feel completely embarrassed because it sounds so childish and I am almost 40 years old. But I actually don’t know where to go from here. My partner has said that he’s not going to try and please my father anymore if it’s something he doesn’t want to do. But in two weeks’ time we are heading away to Fiji where all the extended family will be together and I feel as though everything I say or do will be misinterpreted, and that also Dad will put my partner under pressure and if he doesn’t go along with his stupid boys stuff, I will be blamed. My dad seems to think that if a man doesn’t want to party with the boys or have a drink it is because they are doing not what they want but what the women want. Dad has also said there will be no reactions to his drinking on this trip because it is his birthday and he can “do what he wants.” I am actually starting to hate him and as for my stepmother, well she is a hypocrite.
There has been no communication since they left. If you’ve suffered through this embarrassing story and have any advice to share, I’d appreciate it.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
Welcome (again). Well it looks clearly to me that you are the scapegoat in this group. The one who moved out of the cheerleaders human pyramid and thus caused the rest of them to start to falter, so who's fault is everything? The one who stepped out of the pyramid. Never mind that the pyramid was crushing you to death and you needed to step out.
I would (and did) just keep doing what you are doing. Go when you want to go, don't go when you don't want to. Call or text whomever you feel like texting or calling. Don't accept their version of the truth, it's pretty messed up. And when you get talked down to next time by your Dad tell him you will do what ever you darn well please and if he doesn't like it, too darn bad. You don't need his permission to do or not do anything.
Of course emotional detachment is the only key to surviving this group. Being able to let their crazy version of the events roll off your back like water off a duck. Know within yourself that you are doing the right thing even if the crazies don't know it and try to control you.
*Soooo Jealous of Fiji* I hope you go and have the best time in your life, ignoring all hurtful attempts at crazies control.
I would (and did) just keep doing what you are doing. Go when you want to go, don't go when you don't want to. Call or text whomever you feel like texting or calling. Don't accept their version of the truth, it's pretty messed up. And when you get talked down to next time by your Dad tell him you will do what ever you darn well please and if he doesn't like it, too darn bad. You don't need his permission to do or not do anything.
Of course emotional detachment is the only key to surviving this group. Being able to let their crazy version of the events roll off your back like water off a duck. Know within yourself that you are doing the right thing even if the crazies don't know it and try to control you.
*Soooo Jealous of Fiji* I hope you go and have the best time in your life, ignoring all hurtful attempts at crazies control.
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Join Date: May 2013
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Ha, thanks for the laugh re Survivor. I think if I take that approach, like it's it a bit of a game it may actually help, as I tend to feel cut to the core when they start having a go and react way too intensely for my own sanity.
Thank god for my partner who can be my alliance.
And thanks for the other advice- I'm so used to feeling like the killjoy, to have someone say hey you're ok is tear inducing. The human pyramid thing makes a lot of sense. When I first stopped drinking my dad was really proud and even admitted once he wished he could but didn't have the strength. I had spent all my life trying to make him proud of me and it was ironic that stopping did it... Anyway the dynamics in the family changed a lot. But since my sister (15 years younger) got into AA for the second time after a year relapse, it seems to have had the opposite effect: his drinking has become much worse. He was always pretty functional when I was a kid.
Thank god for my partner who can be my alliance.
And thanks for the other advice- I'm so used to feeling like the killjoy, to have someone say hey you're ok is tear inducing. The human pyramid thing makes a lot of sense. When I first stopped drinking my dad was really proud and even admitted once he wished he could but didn't have the strength. I had spent all my life trying to make him proud of me and it was ironic that stopping did it... Anyway the dynamics in the family changed a lot. But since my sister (15 years younger) got into AA for the second time after a year relapse, it seems to have had the opposite effect: his drinking has become much worse. He was always pretty functional when I was a kid.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
I'm glad it helped. Yes look at it like Survivor. Those alliances always sound good but end up biting them in the bee-hind. I kind of took the attitude of humoring them or pitying, not allowing their craziness to penetrate my mind, they are so crazed or deluded they don't even know what they are saying. But we know and we don't buy it for one minute.
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