Have you found contentment-even happiness, whether your alcoholic is still drinking
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 121
Have you found contentment-even happiness, whether your alcoholic is still drinking
We who live, or have lived, with the problem of alcoholism understand as perhaps few others can. We, too, were lonely and frustrated, but in Al-Anon we discover that no situation is really hopeless, and that it is possible for us to find contentment, and even happiness, whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not.
Every week I listen as the Al Anon meeting opens with these words. I now find myself on the fence trying to decide if I am able to be happy and content in my life while my AH drinks daily.
I must admit, after reading so many horror stories about your A’s drinking and devastating behavior, I sometimes feel like my situation isn’t so bad. I live with a highly functioning Alcoholic. Drinking begins around 4 and commences at bedtime. The next day brings a routine of events designed to get through to 4pm. Wake up, read the paper, nap, breakfast, get cleaned up, email, lunch at 11:30 regardless of what time breakfast was followed by nap and then out to do errands which will bring him home by 4pm. Repeat. Most of our quality time is after 4pm
I have my freedom to see friends and family, go to yoga, etc. I am very independent and prior to being currently married, I was single for 12 years.
I’ve been reading the boards here at SR for several years and recently started to attend Al Anon on a weekly basis, which has helped me tremendously in my relationship with my AH. I'm a solution seeking person. I've worked on me and while the past has had it's share of turmoil I do much better to avoid it these days.
Most recently I had elective surgery to remove my gallbladder. The evening prior to my surgery he stirred up trouble between us, as only an A can do. I couldn’t believe it. I suppose the attention was not going to be on him so he had to act up.
This was an outpatient procedure and I went home the same day. 3 nights later I found myself in the worst pain of my life, moaning, groaning, crying and he is asleep (passed out) in the very next room. I call 911 and he finally hears me after 10 to 15 minutes of agony and gets up. I’m in the hospital for a week, released and 2 days later I am admitted again for another 5 days. I am still on the mend, administering IV antibiotics to myself daily along with 2 other types of oral antibiotics. My abdomen is sore, I am so weak, having lost 10 pounds during my hospital stays.
Since the night before my surgery he has become that stranger that shows up from time to time. I’m obviously depressed and this man is so disconnected from me that he can’t even begin to understand when I explain to him that his negativity about anything and everything is killing me. I need some joy. He admits to me only being happy when my daughter and grandson come over, but doesn’t see the connection between positivity and negativity. He argues that he doesn’t know what I’m talking about with an attitude of arrogance.
Under normal circumstances I handle the disconnection part without a problem, as I know that I am responsible for my own happiness. When the evening progresses and the BS begins I am usually able to detach and go to bed. Al Anon has helped, however I haven’t been to a meeting since I became ill. I am again questioning my future with this man. Is it because I’m still sick and feeling weak? My question is:
Have you found contentment-even happiness, whether your alcoholic is still drinking or not?
Every week I listen as the Al Anon meeting opens with these words. I now find myself on the fence trying to decide if I am able to be happy and content in my life while my AH drinks daily.
I must admit, after reading so many horror stories about your A’s drinking and devastating behavior, I sometimes feel like my situation isn’t so bad. I live with a highly functioning Alcoholic. Drinking begins around 4 and commences at bedtime. The next day brings a routine of events designed to get through to 4pm. Wake up, read the paper, nap, breakfast, get cleaned up, email, lunch at 11:30 regardless of what time breakfast was followed by nap and then out to do errands which will bring him home by 4pm. Repeat. Most of our quality time is after 4pm
I have my freedom to see friends and family, go to yoga, etc. I am very independent and prior to being currently married, I was single for 12 years.
I’ve been reading the boards here at SR for several years and recently started to attend Al Anon on a weekly basis, which has helped me tremendously in my relationship with my AH. I'm a solution seeking person. I've worked on me and while the past has had it's share of turmoil I do much better to avoid it these days.
Most recently I had elective surgery to remove my gallbladder. The evening prior to my surgery he stirred up trouble between us, as only an A can do. I couldn’t believe it. I suppose the attention was not going to be on him so he had to act up.
This was an outpatient procedure and I went home the same day. 3 nights later I found myself in the worst pain of my life, moaning, groaning, crying and he is asleep (passed out) in the very next room. I call 911 and he finally hears me after 10 to 15 minutes of agony and gets up. I’m in the hospital for a week, released and 2 days later I am admitted again for another 5 days. I am still on the mend, administering IV antibiotics to myself daily along with 2 other types of oral antibiotics. My abdomen is sore, I am so weak, having lost 10 pounds during my hospital stays.
Since the night before my surgery he has become that stranger that shows up from time to time. I’m obviously depressed and this man is so disconnected from me that he can’t even begin to understand when I explain to him that his negativity about anything and everything is killing me. I need some joy. He admits to me only being happy when my daughter and grandson come over, but doesn’t see the connection between positivity and negativity. He argues that he doesn’t know what I’m talking about with an attitude of arrogance.
Under normal circumstances I handle the disconnection part without a problem, as I know that I am responsible for my own happiness. When the evening progresses and the BS begins I am usually able to detach and go to bed. Al Anon has helped, however I haven’t been to a meeting since I became ill. I am again questioning my future with this man. Is it because I’m still sick and feeling weak? My question is:
Have you found contentment-even happiness, whether your alcoholic is still drinking or not?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
This was an outpatient procedure and I went home the same day. 3 nights later I found myself in the worst pain of my life, moaning, groaning, crying and he is asleep (passed out) in the very next room. I call 911 and he finally hears me after 10 to 15 minutes of agony and gets up. I’m in the hospital for a week, released and 2 days later I am admitted again for another 5 days. I am still on the mend, administering IV antibiotics to myself daily along with 2 other types of oral antibiotics. My abdomen is sore, I am so weak, having lost 10 pounds during my hospital stays.
Since the night before my surgery he has become that stranger that shows up from time to time. I’m obviously depressed and this man is so disconnected from me that he can’t even begin to understand when I explain to him that his negativity about anything and everything is killing me. I need some joy. He admits to me only being happy when my daughter and grandson come over, but doesn’t see the connection between positivity and negativity. He argues that he doesn’t know what I’m talking about with an attitude of arrogance.
Since the night before my surgery he has become that stranger that shows up from time to time. I’m obviously depressed and this man is so disconnected from me that he can’t even begin to understand when I explain to him that his negativity about anything and everything is killing me. I need some joy. He admits to me only being happy when my daughter and grandson come over, but doesn’t see the connection between positivity and negativity. He argues that he doesn’t know what I’m talking about with an attitude of arrogance.
Before I was off of maternity leave, he had a full-blown relapse, disappeared for several days to binge in his car, then packed himself off to his fourth stint in rehab. I encouraged it, but it was at this time that my heart really broke for myself and I realized how little help he was to me, and how little I could rely on him.
This was the beginning of the end for me. Up until this point, I was willing to stand by him through his recovery, ups and downs and all. But after this I realized that our relationship was completely unreciprocal and started disengaging emotionally and financially, etc. I filed for divorce a couple of weeks ago.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((OOP))
I hope you are feeling physically better and on the mend ~ sounds like it was a very tough experience especially to not have anyone there for emotionally support.
For me, the last 3 plus years of my marriage to my now exAH were similiar to your story - except my exah was not so functioning ~ it was like to strangers sharing the same living space ~
When we did have functions that required both of us - he was extremely affectionate and played the part of the loving husband in public perfect as soon as we walked in the door of our home - he went to his side of the house and didn't speak to me again.
I was like you able to come and go as i please and do whatever made me happy. But, for me, I decided since I was basically living alone, paying all the bills, I wanted to be alone and not have to deal with any of the issues assocated with active drinking and using.
I was content and happy at sometimes, but I wanted freedom - freedom from the disease in my face 24/7.
Either way - you are right - we can be content and happy while still living with the active disease - but also there is nothing wrong with wanting more too ~
Only you can decide what is your path ~
pink hugs!
I hope you are feeling physically better and on the mend ~ sounds like it was a very tough experience especially to not have anyone there for emotionally support.
For me, the last 3 plus years of my marriage to my now exAH were similiar to your story - except my exah was not so functioning ~ it was like to strangers sharing the same living space ~
When we did have functions that required both of us - he was extremely affectionate and played the part of the loving husband in public perfect as soon as we walked in the door of our home - he went to his side of the house and didn't speak to me again.
I was like you able to come and go as i please and do whatever made me happy. But, for me, I decided since I was basically living alone, paying all the bills, I wanted to be alone and not have to deal with any of the issues assocated with active drinking and using.
I was content and happy at sometimes, but I wanted freedom - freedom from the disease in my face 24/7.
Either way - you are right - we can be content and happy while still living with the active disease - but also there is nothing wrong with wanting more too ~
Only you can decide what is your path ~
pink hugs!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I tried for years to find contentment with an actively drinking alcoholic. But my AXH passed a point on his accelerating roll downhill that made it outright dangerous for me to stay.
I never did find contentment. Only resentment.
I never did find contentment. Only resentment.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
I have to agree with pink, only you can decide.
I would be very hurt and disappointed in my partner if he treated me the way you have been treated. Not to mention, he is in the house with you, passed out, and unable to come to your aid. Yikes!!!!
I do not know how old your husband is, or how long he has been drinking, but the human body is not meant to consume large quantities of alcohol on a daily basis. Sooner or later a physical or mental complication will arise. Wonder how he would like to be cared for in such an uncaring manner ????
Hugs to you, hope you are recovering.
I would be very hurt and disappointed in my partner if he treated me the way you have been treated. Not to mention, he is in the house with you, passed out, and unable to come to your aid. Yikes!!!!
I do not know how old your husband is, or how long he has been drinking, but the human body is not meant to consume large quantities of alcohol on a daily basis. Sooner or later a physical or mental complication will arise. Wonder how he would like to be cared for in such an uncaring manner ????
Hugs to you, hope you are recovering.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 170
OnlyOneProblem, I'm glad you are on the mend and hope you feel much better soon. Sounds like you have had a lot of pain to deal with and no support. You asked about contentment and happiness. Despite some huge problems facing me with AH, I still manage to find happiness throughout the day. I can't say I'm content. But it is the discontentment that is leading me to seek a better life. I think you can make anything work if you want to but I think you need to ask yourself what price are you paying and why you want to stay or leave. I've gotten some amazing support on these boards and I know you'll find it too. I hope you feel better very soon.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear OnlyOneProblem, I had a problem with this wording at first, myself---although living with an alcoholic partner wasn't my situation. Living with other alcoholics was, however.
I relaxed a bit when I realized that living contentedly with an alcoholic was not a requirement. We are not required to live with an alcoholic unless we choose to--and we are not required to be content with an alcoholic!
***My problem with the concept was that I felt that there was a subtle implication that one wasn't "getting" the alanon program if one isn't serene and so detached from the alcoholic that we didn't notice their presence or "allowed" ourself to be irritated by their behaviors. It seemed to imply--to me--at first---that if I wasn't immune to the presence and behaviors of the alcoholic--that, somehow, the problem was with ME. After all, they were saying that it is possible to be happy if the alcoholic is drinking or not--right??
WRONG. (In my current interpretation) It means to find what makes you happy and live your life accordingly. Some people want to live with the alcoholic--no matter what---and adjust their life accordingly. Others find that living with an active alcoholic who is progressing in their disease is like a trip through h*** , and develop the ability and courage to do what it takes to eliminate the alcoholic from their life to the extent that they need to. I would say that the majority fall into the latter group--even though it may take decades, in some cases to come to that resolution.
I also believe that people differ in their needs as to what they want or are willing to live with. Some only seem to need a warm body in the house--and don't seem to need much connection in a relationship. That is o.k. for them. But, it is a CHOICE.
I would rather live in a refrigerator box under a bridge than to ever live with an alcoholic in my house ever again. I won't even talk to a drunk on the phone, now. I won't allow an alcoholic into my close circle, any more. I am trying to love my alcoholics from a great distance, now. A very great distance.
I believe that the fact that alanon was started in an age (late 30's) when the options for women who were married to alcoholics had few options--is responsible for some of this wording. If a woman couldn't "make the best" of her marriage--she and her kids were likely to end up in poverty on the street--unless she had wealthy or supportive family to take her in. Separation or divorce was definitely a black mark.
Disclaimer--The above opinions are mine alone and are a result of my own experience and interpretation. I am sharing my view with OnlyOneProblem, in the hopes that it may be of some help.
very sincerely, dandylion
I relaxed a bit when I realized that living contentedly with an alcoholic was not a requirement. We are not required to live with an alcoholic unless we choose to--and we are not required to be content with an alcoholic!
***My problem with the concept was that I felt that there was a subtle implication that one wasn't "getting" the alanon program if one isn't serene and so detached from the alcoholic that we didn't notice their presence or "allowed" ourself to be irritated by their behaviors. It seemed to imply--to me--at first---that if I wasn't immune to the presence and behaviors of the alcoholic--that, somehow, the problem was with ME. After all, they were saying that it is possible to be happy if the alcoholic is drinking or not--right??
WRONG. (In my current interpretation) It means to find what makes you happy and live your life accordingly. Some people want to live with the alcoholic--no matter what---and adjust their life accordingly. Others find that living with an active alcoholic who is progressing in their disease is like a trip through h*** , and develop the ability and courage to do what it takes to eliminate the alcoholic from their life to the extent that they need to. I would say that the majority fall into the latter group--even though it may take decades, in some cases to come to that resolution.
I also believe that people differ in their needs as to what they want or are willing to live with. Some only seem to need a warm body in the house--and don't seem to need much connection in a relationship. That is o.k. for them. But, it is a CHOICE.
I would rather live in a refrigerator box under a bridge than to ever live with an alcoholic in my house ever again. I won't even talk to a drunk on the phone, now. I won't allow an alcoholic into my close circle, any more. I am trying to love my alcoholics from a great distance, now. A very great distance.
I believe that the fact that alanon was started in an age (late 30's) when the options for women who were married to alcoholics had few options--is responsible for some of this wording. If a woman couldn't "make the best" of her marriage--she and her kids were likely to end up in poverty on the street--unless she had wealthy or supportive family to take her in. Separation or divorce was definitely a black mark.
Disclaimer--The above opinions are mine alone and are a result of my own experience and interpretation. I am sharing my view with OnlyOneProblem, in the hopes that it may be of some help.
very sincerely, dandylion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 121
Thanks for all your “from the heart responses”. I do agree that the decision to stay or leave any relationship is a choice.
Sunnshine girl, I’m glad to hear that even with your AH you are able to still find happiness. I also agree that each of us who stays must ask our selves what is the price we are paying.
Dandylion, thanks for your opinion and interpretation on the wording in the Al Anon literature. Each and every one of our relationships with an A is unique in its own way and the fate of the relationship lies within ourselves and our decision as to what we feel and how we think we deserve to be treated.
It is a process and I’m sure we all grow a little every day as we are faced with these situations.
I know there are many who stay. Do you regret your decision or have you made peace with yourself.
Sunnshine girl, I’m glad to hear that even with your AH you are able to still find happiness. I also agree that each of us who stays must ask our selves what is the price we are paying.
Dandylion, thanks for your opinion and interpretation on the wording in the Al Anon literature. Each and every one of our relationships with an A is unique in its own way and the fate of the relationship lies within ourselves and our decision as to what we feel and how we think we deserve to be treated.
It is a process and I’m sure we all grow a little every day as we are faced with these situations.
I know there are many who stay. Do you regret your decision or have you made peace with yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
What I find myself regretting, is not leaving sooner.
Spending each day with an intoxicated person can be exhausting.
The first sober conversation I had with a sober, intelligent man was a complete breath of fresh air. i forgot how very much I had denied myself for way too long........
Seems I got caught up in so much of his daily crap, i forgot what is was like to simply enjoy an adult conversation, a sober mind is a beautiful thing!
Spending each day with an intoxicated person can be exhausting.
The first sober conversation I had with a sober, intelligent man was a complete breath of fresh air. i forgot how very much I had denied myself for way too long........
Seems I got caught up in so much of his daily crap, i forgot what is was like to simply enjoy an adult conversation, a sober mind is a beautiful thing!
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Ooohh I have been very happy, and have enjoyed so many moments of my life recently, I find myself content regardless of problems or circumstances. The XABF still drinks, only away from me, because I left him years ago and for that I am grateful. There are GREAT relationships to be had out there, and the great anvilhead here, taught me that home is a place of peace, to recover from the stresses of daily life. One should never, never be afraid or sad because she or he is coming home. We all deserve peace and tranquility. 
A simple lesson that I learned with way too many tears. Oh well. Today is a new day!
A simple lesson that I learned with way too many tears. Oh well. Today is a new day!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
We, too, were lonely and frustrated, but in Al-Anon we discover that no situation is really hopeless, and that it is possible for us to find contentment, and even happiness, whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not.
After reading the first post in this thread a couple of times, I think the phrase "whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not." does not necessarily mean living in the same house as the alcoholic.
I was married to an alcoholic too. I married him when we were both drinking. I quit drinking with inpatient treatment and strong after care ordered by the Army.
My ex continued to drink and then added crack to the mix.
I could not find contentment of any kind while I worried whether tonight was the night he finally died from some effect of his alcoholism. I could not find anything but resentment for the man who showed up at the delivery room for his son all red faced and drunk, and for his daughter not at all.
I guess contentment and happiness are different for all. I could not be content watching another human being (no matter what my resentments against him were) continue to kill himself with alcohol and whatever substance followed when his inhibitions were gone.
Happy or content? Watching a suicide? That I was oh so familiar with, death with every blackout, anxiety from hell-o in the morning, until I could make it to the next drink. I knew the hell he was in, I had been there, and I could not find contentment or happiness while being in the front row.
Have you found contentment-even happiness, whether your alcoholic is still drinking or not?
No. I am not happy and content that my ex, the father of my two children continues to drink (continues to die). In Louisiana. I am happy and content in my home. There is no alcohol here. If I need an ambulance, like I did for my pancreatic attack, I called 911 myself.
He argues that he doesn’t know what I’m talking about with an attitude of arrogance.
You are alone with your illness. If you have some friends, please call them for comfort and support at this time. The zombie cannot do any of this.
He does not know what happiness and contentment is because he they are feelings.
Zombies feel nothing. I was one. I am sorry.
Beth
I might have to have my gallbladder removed too.
I am scared of that.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Yes, and No.
I am much happier than in the past. I am back living with my SO and he still drinks.
First off, I don't embrace the AA philosophy. I simply found that living in a relationship in which there wasn't recognition of emotional needs was impossible, whether trying to find personal peace or not. A significant other relationship requires recognition of feelings and needs, and there is no getting around that, in my opinion. Living in a relationship that doesn't meet those basic needs has the non-drinker "white knuckling" their own existance.
So I take what I see as the real question out of the context of AA. Is the relationship emotionally dysfunctional? Neither partner has to be a drinker for this to be true.
If a relationship is emotionally dysfunctional, then there is no finding peace within it.
I left many times. When I came back this time, he said to me that he had looked over what had transpired many times, and that he realized many of his errors and laid them out to me. What in AA they would call Step 4, I think it is--making amends.
He made amends to me. He has changed. He does listen, acknowledge, and meet my emotional needs now. He still drinks.
This is contrary to what is taught in the AA program, because he still drinks.
My personal experiences do not line up with the AA beliefs and philosophy of that the drinker must quit. He realized his errors and made amends and still drinks.
Does he still make errors in judgment while under the influence? Yes. But those errors do not include dismissing my needs or feelings. He is very attentive. We had to go through a lot of hell to get here.
Contentment? Now that is solely on my shoulders. I am not there yet, but it doesn't have anything to do with his drinking.
I am much happier than in the past. I am back living with my SO and he still drinks.
First off, I don't embrace the AA philosophy. I simply found that living in a relationship in which there wasn't recognition of emotional needs was impossible, whether trying to find personal peace or not. A significant other relationship requires recognition of feelings and needs, and there is no getting around that, in my opinion. Living in a relationship that doesn't meet those basic needs has the non-drinker "white knuckling" their own existance.
So I take what I see as the real question out of the context of AA. Is the relationship emotionally dysfunctional? Neither partner has to be a drinker for this to be true.
If a relationship is emotionally dysfunctional, then there is no finding peace within it.
I left many times. When I came back this time, he said to me that he had looked over what had transpired many times, and that he realized many of his errors and laid them out to me. What in AA they would call Step 4, I think it is--making amends.
He made amends to me. He has changed. He does listen, acknowledge, and meet my emotional needs now. He still drinks.
This is contrary to what is taught in the AA program, because he still drinks.
My personal experiences do not line up with the AA beliefs and philosophy of that the drinker must quit. He realized his errors and made amends and still drinks.
Does he still make errors in judgment while under the influence? Yes. But those errors do not include dismissing my needs or feelings. He is very attentive. We had to go through a lot of hell to get here.
Contentment? Now that is solely on my shoulders. I am not there yet, but it doesn't have anything to do with his drinking.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 490
Originally Posted by OnlyOneProblem 
My question is:
Have you found contentment-even happiness, whether your alcoholic is still drinking or not?
Have you found contentment-even happiness, whether your alcoholic is still drinking or not?
Husbands don't treat their wives, the people they are supposed to love and cherish, like cr*p. He treats you like cr*p.
What is it you are getting from this relationship that you can't get by being out of this relationship?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
One more post... Under normal circumstances I handle the disconnection part without a problem, as I know that I am responsible for my own happiness. When the evening progresses and the BS begins I am usually able to detach and go to bed. Al Anon has helped, however I haven’t been to a meeting since I became ill. I am again questioning my future with this man. Is it because I’m still sick and feeling weak? My question is:
Have you found contentment-even happiness, whether your alcoholic is still drinking or not?
Have you found contentment-even happiness, whether your alcoholic is still drinking or not?
My first husband abused alcohol, but I was the alcoholic in our family. I did not feel I deserved to be happy, and I got what I thought I deserved. A misogynist who hated his own mother. That should have been a sign (to a normal person) that misery was ahead. Well, that is what I knew. So I continued. Happy? No Content? No
But. I did not miss it, because I had no idea in this world what it looked like.
If you were joyously independent for 12 years before you got married, I want to ask, "Don't you miss that?" Wasn't it wonderful to not deal with a zombie? I do not know, I am just learning that life is to be lived, not just barely survived until I left this earth in relief from pain.
I am learning to live my life even though my oldest son is addicted to opiates. He injects them. The only time he stopped is when he went to prison.
My misery would not make him better. I have to be a healthy happy person for the greatest grandchild ever born. My dearest baby-licious. okay enough of the mushy stuff.
I can be content and happy even if and despite of my ex's and my son's illness, because I do not have to live with them!
This is my final answer. There is no contentment and happiness living with a disease of denial. I have/had it too, and believe me, it is MISERY.
Your husbands automatic motions every day do not make him functional in society or the world. Functional is not a stage of alcoholism, it is on the low end of the spectrum, or just getting ready to head downhill fast.
I cannot imagine ever wasting another minute of MY precious life watching a loved one die.
I will not look for another friend or partner who does not respect me as much as he respects himself. That, to me, means no substance abuse. It is the ultimate insult to yourself, and by connection, to others around you who care about you.
Thank you very much for your question. It has truly brought some things into focus for me. I am going to listen to my heart instead of my head while looking for a "friend". My heart knows when the guy is just wrong, and my head, my intellectual side tries to convince me otherwise. "It's no big thing Beth, surely he does not really drink "a few times a week" when I find someone attractive.
LOL Geez. I am so predictable.
Yes, I think I have to listen when my heart jumps a little, and be wary for the signs of addiction and just all around unavailable.
I sincerely hope you find contentment, peace and joy in whatever way it shows up in your life. You have certainly earned it, and you have always deserved it.
Beth
PS I hope you are feeling better. I am thinking of you during this physically painful time and wish you a speedy recovery.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 267
Personally, I don't know anyone who has found long-term contentment with an A. My EXAH might have when I was actively drinking, but he was addicted to pain pills and honestly didn't much notice how much I was drinking, and he thought heavy drinking was normal because his father is still an active alcoholic.
But for a "normal" person without codie issues... I think the others are right when they say that most people eventually leave. I know if my ABF does not eventually get sober that I will leave. I am not ready yet. For now, the fact that we still have many more good days than bad and that we have loved each other for 20 years (since high school) keeps me there. But I am under no illusions that this will continue. And it makes me very, very sad.
But for a "normal" person without codie issues... I think the others are right when they say that most people eventually leave. I know if my ABF does not eventually get sober that I will leave. I am not ready yet. For now, the fact that we still have many more good days than bad and that we have loved each other for 20 years (since high school) keeps me there. But I am under no illusions that this will continue. And it makes me very, very sad.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Colorado, USA
Posts: 433
I'm not sure about what words to use to express my thoughts on this topic. I could wait until I gained more clarity and learned how to say it more clearly, but then I might wait forever. So I'll just dive in and see what I say today.
What it boils down to at this time in my life: Life is practice of healthy attachment. The opposite of attachment - Detachment - doesn't mean disinterest or disengagement. To me it means health, wholeness, healing; the practice of healthy attachment. And I can do this regardless of what is happening around me. It is not dependent on what others are doing or not doing in my life. I own my power and can always find peace and serenity because it lies inside me, not outside and not due to another's whim.
That's it in a nutshell. The actual doing of it is a lifetime "practice," of learning how to take care of myself emotionally and spiritually, of facing my demons and dealing with my own crap, learning how to meet my own needs (figuring out what they really are in the first place) developing my strengths.
I now go to the hardware store for hardware, to the coffee shop for coffee, to the library for books and information, to the grocery store for groceries. Symbolically speaking, that's how I find and keep my serenity.
For a long time I didn't know I was going to the wrong places to find fulfillment and inner peace. With growing awareness, followed with acceptance and finding the tools for doing so, I've been able to make informed choices for a conscious life, instead of stumbling along in the dark not knowing that's what I was doing.
It's not that I have all the answers now - I don't. It's not that I have it all worked out now, or that outer circumstances have gotten better - in some ways they've gotten worse and more difficult. It's that I've learned how to choose my attitude and how to cultivate my inner landscape.
I'll stop there for now because I need to go have breakfast. Thanks for bringing up the topic, as others have also, I just happened to be ready to say something about it at this point. It's an important issue to consider and I look forward to gaining more clarity about it.
What it boils down to at this time in my life: Life is practice of healthy attachment. The opposite of attachment - Detachment - doesn't mean disinterest or disengagement. To me it means health, wholeness, healing; the practice of healthy attachment. And I can do this regardless of what is happening around me. It is not dependent on what others are doing or not doing in my life. I own my power and can always find peace and serenity because it lies inside me, not outside and not due to another's whim.
That's it in a nutshell. The actual doing of it is a lifetime "practice," of learning how to take care of myself emotionally and spiritually, of facing my demons and dealing with my own crap, learning how to meet my own needs (figuring out what they really are in the first place) developing my strengths.
I now go to the hardware store for hardware, to the coffee shop for coffee, to the library for books and information, to the grocery store for groceries. Symbolically speaking, that's how I find and keep my serenity.
For a long time I didn't know I was going to the wrong places to find fulfillment and inner peace. With growing awareness, followed with acceptance and finding the tools for doing so, I've been able to make informed choices for a conscious life, instead of stumbling along in the dark not knowing that's what I was doing.
It's not that I have all the answers now - I don't. It's not that I have it all worked out now, or that outer circumstances have gotten better - in some ways they've gotten worse and more difficult. It's that I've learned how to choose my attitude and how to cultivate my inner landscape.
I'll stop there for now because I need to go have breakfast. Thanks for bringing up the topic, as others have also, I just happened to be ready to say something about it at this point. It's an important issue to consider and I look forward to gaining more clarity about it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 121
The actual doing of it is a lifetime "practice," of learning how to take care of myself emotionally and spiritually, of facing my demons and dealing with my own crap, learning how to meet my own needs (figuring out what they really are in the first place) developing my strengths.
Neagrm, Thank you. This is what I needed to hear.
Neagrm, Thank you. This is what I needed to hear.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
blueskies1--thank you for you take on things...definitely for me...it has to do with emotional functionality. I can't write with clarity right now...but I do know that reciprocity and emotional functionality are critical...and I am in charge of myself and my own happiness...and I have been learning who I am over the past many years as I also "woke up" from my slumber as an ACOA through going through and dealing with binging alcohol use and drug use "addiction" in children.
I am at a crossroads...and wondering the same as OnlyOneProblem. I can say this...I used to think there was only one problem...my husband drank...but as I go through addiction after addiction (now on daughter #3 with heroin) and my own recovery as ACOA and Coda and spiritual opening and growth and learning and enjoying...which I do find things I enjoy and do...with women friends...not too keen on men...feel like they are a lot of work...just deal with hubby...I have found that it is much more than one problem.
I am now on the site to revisit the question of hubby...we get along...both codependents (one in recovery; one not), but his drinking has been making me crazy as I deal with a daughter on heroin and I have spoken very clearly to him about it...and told him and my children that I hate drugs and alcohol and then felt bad and like it is all my fault.
we have been distracted for 16 years with adolescent and young adult children using drugs and the battles as parents for the sobriety of 3 daughters...and my hubby ignores the binge drinking in our son. I have been battling for recovery in myself and as I do it for myself, I also did my best as a mother for my children...it seems like a huge spider's web to me...and I am just tired.
just hope that I have not thrown my whole life down the drain...it is so discouraging to see what alcohol and drugs do to people (even to non-drinkers like myself)...and emotional absence and anger/resentment is a really bad place to live. we are both worried about this third daughter and both working to restart our lives...as we lost all to the battle for our kids...i really need to just focus on me for a long time...and not worry about whether I can make it work for anybody or anything...taking one step at a time...reinventing myself...so tired.
So I am back in active recovery instead of fighting everybody else's demons. I have set boundaries on my ex crystal meth daughter who was being verbally abusive and threatening to throw my household goods away as my hubby did not save enough money from our "restart" to get them to my new country, making my spiritual connections...and working the steps again...and enjoying everything I can find to enjoy...blue skies, beach and ocean waves...trees and greenery and reading, genealogy, etc.
I sure hope I'm on the right path...
I am at a crossroads...and wondering the same as OnlyOneProblem. I can say this...I used to think there was only one problem...my husband drank...but as I go through addiction after addiction (now on daughter #3 with heroin) and my own recovery as ACOA and Coda and spiritual opening and growth and learning and enjoying...which I do find things I enjoy and do...with women friends...not too keen on men...feel like they are a lot of work...just deal with hubby...I have found that it is much more than one problem.
I am now on the site to revisit the question of hubby...we get along...both codependents (one in recovery; one not), but his drinking has been making me crazy as I deal with a daughter on heroin and I have spoken very clearly to him about it...and told him and my children that I hate drugs and alcohol and then felt bad and like it is all my fault.
we have been distracted for 16 years with adolescent and young adult children using drugs and the battles as parents for the sobriety of 3 daughters...and my hubby ignores the binge drinking in our son. I have been battling for recovery in myself and as I do it for myself, I also did my best as a mother for my children...it seems like a huge spider's web to me...and I am just tired.
just hope that I have not thrown my whole life down the drain...it is so discouraging to see what alcohol and drugs do to people (even to non-drinkers like myself)...and emotional absence and anger/resentment is a really bad place to live. we are both worried about this third daughter and both working to restart our lives...as we lost all to the battle for our kids...i really need to just focus on me for a long time...and not worry about whether I can make it work for anybody or anything...taking one step at a time...reinventing myself...so tired.
So I am back in active recovery instead of fighting everybody else's demons. I have set boundaries on my ex crystal meth daughter who was being verbally abusive and threatening to throw my household goods away as my hubby did not save enough money from our "restart" to get them to my new country, making my spiritual connections...and working the steps again...and enjoying everything I can find to enjoy...blue skies, beach and ocean waves...trees and greenery and reading, genealogy, etc.
I sure hope I'm on the right path...
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
