why does it hurt so much?

Old 05-09-2013, 12:12 PM
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why does it hurt so much?

I am starting to realize just how miserable my life was for nearly 3 decades. I have finally accepted to myself that I lived with a man who continually lived on the 'fringes' of our relationship and who did not waste a second running to be with somebody else once I left ( I don't think he can stand being alone at the moment) .Anyway in addition to attending alanon i also have to attend a weekly group for abused women - which has also really opened my eyes. I did not realize how many put-downs I constantly had to put up with - to be honest sometimes I wonder how I'm still standing. But here is my question - when we know how bad and truly rotten they are - why does it still hurt so much to see them with someone else? And does that ever change?
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Old 05-09-2013, 12:33 PM
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I can't say that it hurt me at all to see my ex with someone else. I didn't mind being replaced because I had spent years in Al-Anon before I left, and I think that mentally and emotionally, I had checked out if my marriage long before I physically left.

For me, the best times post-divorce has been the periods AXH has been dating - because then he has left me alone. He needs someone to control and manipulate and I'm very glad when he focuses that on someone other than me.

I think it's sort of like... You have a fancy car. You can't make the payments and it gets repo'd. You still need a car so you buy a beater from that guy with the alley garage. That's what your ex is doing.
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Old 05-09-2013, 01:07 PM
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First of all, I feel for you cr995! I've been there. It sucks. My ex was the same. He couldn't be alone one moment. And, it was devastating to find out how he could replace me so quickly. I still love him. I wish I didn't. I can't stop forgetting how great he was when he was sober and relatively healthy. It was a great time. Now, when I see him, I see how sad he is, how tired, and spent he looks. As lillamy writes, he just can't afford that luxury car any more. And the more I try to cheapen myself for him, the more he runs away. Al-Anon and CODA help! Wish there was a meeting every day!
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Old 05-09-2013, 01:11 PM
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Thanks for saying that I like your analogy. I suppose my problem is that I am imagining that STBXAH has totally changed is sober and being lovely and loving to gf and doing all the things I wanted him to do with me. I KNOW that this is probably not true but it is how it feels. Plus I am just shocked that he is now dragging his feet over splitting our assets - this time last year he could'nt wait to buy me out or sell the house - now he won't deal with the sale. It is so frustrating - it's like he's just haveing a break from reality - or thats how it feels! Grr!
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Old 05-09-2013, 01:22 PM
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cr995, I totally understand how you are feeling as I feel exactly the same. I'm recently separated from my partner of 13 years after yet another drunken episode. We have been apart for 3 weeks only and I have spent most of that time not eating, sleeping poorly and thinking of nothing else but him...especially with someone new and I too imagine him suddenly sober and well, the man I wanted him to be and it's torture! Unlike many on here I hadn't prepared for this split by attending AlAnon or reading up on the subject, I hadn't even heard of codependency so I am struggling with the feelings of looking after myself. I'm still caring about him and worrying about him despite the fact that he has been doing his own thing and only really contacting me to make sly digs. It's a struggle just to get through each day but I am trying to stay positive. I wish you every happiness and hope to hear from you more on here. The support on here is fantastic.
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Old 05-09-2013, 01:32 PM
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Yes after looking after myself and feeling totally serene over the past couple of days what did I do ? Go poking around not minding my own business and looking at pics of STBXAH smiling at gf - I brought it on myself and now I can't eat - for the first time in ages I am completely obsessing about him . I have an attack of low self esteem and just feel like I'm in hell. And yet I know, the facts speak for themselves - he is a very sick man and his life is in freefall - he is totally ignoring all financial responsibilities and I would say well - 'stealing' from me. There is no other way I can think of putting it. I know the chances of recovery for an A who just white knuckles it are slim if they dont work the steps - I tell myself these things but I am still obsessing. I am sick of feeling like this , I know I am missing out on better things and sitting with my feelings is just torchure, though I know the only way out of the pain is thru the pain.
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Old 05-09-2013, 01:36 PM
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Yes! I think that's exactly it: you imagine that he's now become Mr. Perfect and this other woman gets to enjoy that while you got to take cr*p for years and years...

My guess is he hasn't changed. And my guess is the new woman will either get the same treatment or run for the hills. Either way, it's not your circus anymore. Thank God.
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Old 05-09-2013, 01:50 PM
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so this may or may not help for the moments when we think the ex's are better, clean, sober, doing things different or being great when we didn't have so much with them...

i opened the paper and in it were pics of weekend events. always like looking at them just to look. wellllllllllllll...there the ex was...smiling that great smile...looking totally happy...totally fine...in his favorite upscale bar of course! but of course he was in his favorite upscale BAR doing what he loves to do and what he cares about. drinking. that's it.(and yes other things on top of drinking but it all starts at that bar--no matter what--it's his place of all places.)

mine isn't doing one thing any different than he has ever done. the problems i addressed are real. he is right back where he will always be until he isn't. no one is going to get anything any different than i did. no one. seeing the pic did not upset me. i stared at it and really just thought "yeah, see--you can not go a day without that place and if you do it's just a day. i knew that. but now i really know it." so i think the paper did me a favor. i wouldn't have had a clue where or what he has been doing. the paper told me=the same exact thing as before.

and then i got back to me!
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Old 05-09-2013, 02:16 PM
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peacedove, I too understand what you are saying. When my logical head is in full flow I realise that I am most sad that I am miserable at the moment but he is just carrying on exactly as he always has done, doing his own thing and not answering to anyone. It hurts when you invest so many years and so much energy just trying to keep someone happy and yet they still just throw it back in your face. All my close friends have told me that he will just treat the next one exactly the same and if anything is probably drinking more than ever now I'm not breathing down his neck and somewhere deep down I know they are right. Stay strong cr995, try to eat, I know it's hard as you really have no appetite and when you do try to force something down you feel sick. Emotionally we are damaged but we will mend I'm sure, I can't even remember the person I used to be but I know it wasn't the person I am now. Just remember they will probably never mend.
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Old 05-09-2013, 04:23 PM
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Yes, it can change.

And with time, it will.

be patient and gentle with yourself.

30 years is a long time, your feelings/ emotions cannot just evaporate.

Your emotions are very real, you are dealing with them like a mature adult, it's only natural to feel sad at this time.

The other day, somewhere on these boards I read, " Acceptance, is knowing , you cannot rewrite the past" or something to that effect, (it hit home for me)

keep posting, it really helps to get it all out with others , who have walked in your shoes.

Sending you tons of support.
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Old 05-09-2013, 05:18 PM
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It hurts because we loved them, because we wanted it to work, because we are good people & because we know the other women is nowhere near the decent person we are.
What you are feeling is completely normal.
It is part of the grieving process.
It will get better given time.
Big hugs.
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Old 05-10-2013, 08:36 AM
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I wish I could answer that question! It does hurt & I think for me it has much to do w/the person my XABF could have been not who he is!! The dream I had but not the reality! Really pretty sick but that's my best guess and the rejection is always painful. I am sorry you feel this way but you aren't alone! Hang in there & be glad you're moving past it!
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Old 05-10-2013, 03:57 PM
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I went to Alanon today and it helped. I always amaze myself about how difficult it is for the concept of NO CONTACT to sink in with me.

When the A is out of my life I feel quite positive, happy even and today I had to admit to myself that I really did not have one single happy day in that marriage. Being with someone who has such a deep rooted problem and refuses to take responsibility makes everything a lie and so distorted and twisted - a road to nowhere good. I forget that I am dealing with an active A and will get no sense out of him which is annoying when it comes to money. He really does not want to give up anything - let alone half of what we had to me - I signed the papers he wanted but have yet to receive a bean!! I suspect that he was blackmailing me , banking on me not signing so that he could withhold money, I have a strong suspicipn that there might actually be no money left.

I cant eat proper food but I just found some kiddie food in the freezer - fish fingers! yum!
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Old 05-10-2013, 09:13 PM
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Originally Posted by lillamy View Post

I think it's sort of like... You have a fancy car. You can't make the payments and it gets repo'd. You still need a car so you buy a beater from that guy with the alley garage. That's what your ex is doing.
That is a great analogy
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Old 05-11-2013, 06:03 AM
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cr995, you've spent decades being gaslighted. No wonder your head and heart are all twisted up.

I can assure you he is not Mr. Wonderful to the new victim. Sure, things may be ok at first but no one can maintain a facade forever.

Here's what I learned from my alcoholic friend...they hate being alone. She would find the most rotten losers and move them in with her! They would sponge off of her and treat her poorly, all alcoholics themselves, and she would allow it to happen, even if she didn't like them very much either. She told me she just didn't like being alone, so even being with a loser was better than that. And trust me, she wasn't feeling anything for these guys - there was no emotion involved whatsoever. She was drunk all the time; she felt nothing but anger on a regular basis.

Thing is - you are buying into the fantasy that some other nice lady is getting what you were denied. Stop doing that! Accept him for who/what he is, and when your head goes skipping down that fantasy lane, don't let it wallow there for long. It's not real.

What was hardest for me was accepting the parts that weren't real after all. I was pretty angry at myself for a long time for being - well - so stupid to not see the forest for the trees. But once I found forgiveness for ME, and a certain amount of gratitude for the lessons learned, I was able to let go of the hurt. It really doesn't hurt anymore now. Sure, sometimes I have pangs, but they are few and far between. I know my reality, I accept it, and I know when I am fantasizing.

"As we think, so we are". Change the way you view all of this, accept reality for what it is right now. And you may find your thoughts about him and his new "life" change right along with it.
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Old 05-11-2013, 06:11 AM
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So very true Tuffgirl! Thank you
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