Reaching out for some help.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: maryland
Posts: 86
Reaching out for some help.
Hi,
My husband is going to complete his 30 days in the Tennessee rehab facility May 16.
I thought i would be relieved, and excited for him to come home, but I am anxious and worried. I finally adjusted to him being gone, began enjoying the peace & now I feel like my world is about to be rocked again.
I'm looking for different perspectives...from spouses who have to welcome their significant other home & what they experienced...and then also, the ones who have come home & had to fit back into their family surroundings..how was it? What are the best ways to cope with yet another rocking of the boat?
Thank you in advance for helping to ease my heart.
My husband is going to complete his 30 days in the Tennessee rehab facility May 16.
I thought i would be relieved, and excited for him to come home, but I am anxious and worried. I finally adjusted to him being gone, began enjoying the peace & now I feel like my world is about to be rocked again.
I'm looking for different perspectives...from spouses who have to welcome their significant other home & what they experienced...and then also, the ones who have come home & had to fit back into their family surroundings..how was it? What are the best ways to cope with yet another rocking of the boat?
Thank you in advance for helping to ease my heart.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 493
Hi Anxious welcome to SR. I am not the most qualified to comment on your post - many others more qualified will reply with wise words. But I do know - that you cannot expect anything. That you must take it one day at a time. I have heard from many, many others in your situation that it can be extremely frustrating as the recovering addict needs to totally focus on their recovery - which can set them on a completely different path of 'complete and utter selfishness', That you can't put then under any pressure; can't make any big decisions... to basically have NO expectations.
I think it is very important that you focus completely on yourself. Guard yourself against 'watching your husband' - checking up on him. Try to just get on with your daily routine. Include him where you can - if he wants - but dont expect anything. I know this sounds like a complete anamoly - seeing that he is new to recovery - but don't focus on his recovery at all. Just let him get on with it in his own way.
I know from first hand being around somebody very close to you in early recovery can be emotionally draining. The conversation can be totally around the recovery / they are often on an emotional 'high' - ready to conquer then world. But then you can have 'down days'. The literaly battle, the fight against the addiction. It is in these moments that you need to be strong. To know when your support is needed - and also to know when to give your husband space - to figure it out himself.
Keep yourself busy. Take up a new hobby. Keep strong. Keep cool. Keep praying.
I with the both of you peace and a wonderful future.
I think it is very important that you focus completely on yourself. Guard yourself against 'watching your husband' - checking up on him. Try to just get on with your daily routine. Include him where you can - if he wants - but dont expect anything. I know this sounds like a complete anamoly - seeing that he is new to recovery - but don't focus on his recovery at all. Just let him get on with it in his own way.
I know from first hand being around somebody very close to you in early recovery can be emotionally draining. The conversation can be totally around the recovery / they are often on an emotional 'high' - ready to conquer then world. But then you can have 'down days'. The literaly battle, the fight against the addiction. It is in these moments that you need to be strong. To know when your support is needed - and also to know when to give your husband space - to figure it out himself.
Keep yourself busy. Take up a new hobby. Keep strong. Keep cool. Keep praying.
I with the both of you peace and a wonderful future.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
My husband came home after a 90 day rehab. We had also been apart for a while due to his active use. I will be glad to send you a p.message with some of our challenges - would prefer not to detail it here for personal reasons.
But I will share the following suggestion with you, and qualify it saying that this turned out to be basically the approach that we took. Its been a year now since my husband went into detox, then rehab. Things are good between us now. If I had to name a few of the most important things: patience, communication, individual, and joint effort.
.....When your significant other (SO) comes home from rehab, the best thing you can do is be supportive. Of course, the difficulty lies in defining "supportive." You can begin to figure out how you're going to be supportive before your SO leaves the rehab center. It may even be helpful if you outline what you will and will not do when he first comes home. You may want to consider contacting the rehab directly, as some treatment facilities have a contact person who can help you with the process. Thinking in advance about what you can and will do should prove helpful, but you should also allow for some of the less predictable things that might happen for each of you.
One of the best ways to figure out what your significant other needs in this situation is to ask. While this may sound basic, it could actually prove challenging. His time in rehab may have been one of the most difficult things he's experienced. You may have questions about the experience and he may or may not want to answer them. Can the two of you agree on what will be discussed and what won't? Can you each talk about how you will communicate with the other in both easy and difficult situations? How will you know if he needs some space or needs you close? Beyond your relationship, what does he need from friends or family members you both know? Clearly, the list of questions could be quite long and now may be the time for you to create your own list.
You can and should be there to listen to his problems, fears, and plans for getting through this tough time — all while doing what you can to reduce social and environmental stressors. One big way you can be supportive is by not drinking, or doing any other drugs — even if you are able to do these things in moderation. You can offer to take him to post-rehab meetings or you may even want to join a support group yourself.
The first few weeks and months will probably be the hardest. Your SO will most likely go through periods of emotional ups and downs as he continues to confront his addiction. He may be angry at times (at himself, at you, at others, or just angry), sad at other times, or even may seem manipulative or distant. If you are genuine in your concern, share as many of your reactions, fears, and feelings as possible. Be sure to point out any and all positives, and offer hope and compassion. There isn't a "one size fits all" roadmap to rehab or sobriety...
But I will share the following suggestion with you, and qualify it saying that this turned out to be basically the approach that we took. Its been a year now since my husband went into detox, then rehab. Things are good between us now. If I had to name a few of the most important things: patience, communication, individual, and joint effort.
.....When your significant other (SO) comes home from rehab, the best thing you can do is be supportive. Of course, the difficulty lies in defining "supportive." You can begin to figure out how you're going to be supportive before your SO leaves the rehab center. It may even be helpful if you outline what you will and will not do when he first comes home. You may want to consider contacting the rehab directly, as some treatment facilities have a contact person who can help you with the process. Thinking in advance about what you can and will do should prove helpful, but you should also allow for some of the less predictable things that might happen for each of you.
One of the best ways to figure out what your significant other needs in this situation is to ask. While this may sound basic, it could actually prove challenging. His time in rehab may have been one of the most difficult things he's experienced. You may have questions about the experience and he may or may not want to answer them. Can the two of you agree on what will be discussed and what won't? Can you each talk about how you will communicate with the other in both easy and difficult situations? How will you know if he needs some space or needs you close? Beyond your relationship, what does he need from friends or family members you both know? Clearly, the list of questions could be quite long and now may be the time for you to create your own list.
You can and should be there to listen to his problems, fears, and plans for getting through this tough time — all while doing what you can to reduce social and environmental stressors. One big way you can be supportive is by not drinking, or doing any other drugs — even if you are able to do these things in moderation. You can offer to take him to post-rehab meetings or you may even want to join a support group yourself.
The first few weeks and months will probably be the hardest. Your SO will most likely go through periods of emotional ups and downs as he continues to confront his addiction. He may be angry at times (at himself, at you, at others, or just angry), sad at other times, or even may seem manipulative or distant. If you are genuine in your concern, share as many of your reactions, fears, and feelings as possible. Be sure to point out any and all positives, and offer hope and compassion. There isn't a "one size fits all" roadmap to rehab or sobriety...
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