Salvia

Hello everyone,

I have a situation I'd like to discuss with you-- I have my own feelings, but I wanted to get some perspective from people who understand the reality of having relationships with alcoholics much better than I do.

Years ago, my boyfriend had a friend who became an alcoholic and self-destructed. I'm not sure exactly what happened, but it got so bad he stopped going to work so he could drink. I think he refused help, and my boyfriend and his circle of friends cut off all contact with him.

My boyfriend is now thinking about getting in touch with the friend again. I don't know why he thinks this is a good idea-- only that he talked with one of his friends, also the ex-girlfriend of this friend, and she thought it might be good. I don't know why he wants to do this, I think just out of curiosity. I don't know what he hopes to get out of this, or what kind of relationship he hopes to re-establish. I don't know what he'd do or what I'd be in for. I don't think he knows anything about what this friend has done in the intervening years.

I do not want my boyfriend to contact this friend. I've had alcoholics and substance abusers among my relatives, and I know how dysfunctional the relationships were and how widespread the emotional damage was. A few were violent. This is not something I'm willing to risk getting involved with, especially not to revive a relationship that has been dead for years and where I have no idea about the present situation or what I'd be in for.

I would very much appreciate any insights any of you might have. In particular--

Is there any way that he could contact this friend that would not, ultimately, come to involve me in any way?

Is there any way that him contacting this friend would not potentially be putting me in danger? (We live together in the same house.)

Thanks.

Tuffgirl

Probably not.

Again, probably not, unless this friend has a documented history of violence.

Welcome to SR! I hope you find good answers to your questions above. But I am curious, Salvia...what is the real issue underlying your concerns? I know mine were related to my friend causing me emotional pain. I was very hesitant to let her back into my life because of the possibility of that.

Lastly, I can't help but wonder if letting your BF make this decision himself wouldn't be the best course of action for you right now. Let him make it, and let him deal with the consequences therein. You don't have to be involved unless you decide you want to be.

Just my humble opinion,
~T

Salvia

A number of things.

First, he has known about the alcoholic relatives and what a profound effect it had on me long before we were ever dating. He knows that my comfort zone about alcohol is more restricted than what most people would have--for instance, it would not be OK with me for him to get drunk.

So, to me, the fact that he is even thinking about bringing an alcoholic back into his life is a huge breach of trust. The fact that he has so totally left me in the dark regarding his thinking is another. He did ask me what I thought, but when I said I wasn't comfortable with it, that should have been the end of things. Instead, he said he needed more time to think it over.

Second, there is the friend of his who suggested it. She says, "Jump!", and he says, "How high?" Any consideration of me immediately goes out the window in the heat of the moment. He does usually come around to asking what I think before he does anything rash, and I can usually talk him out of things, but when she is involved, he makes some exceptionally poor decisions. I do not trust him with her. She moved away, and I thought it would be the end of the bad decision-making, but apparently not.

I think at this point I am wondering if there is anything I can do to save the relationship, because I'm not willing to put up with his involvement with this friend indefinitely. But that would be a real shame, because literally EVERYTHING is great besides how he acts with this one friend. It is like he is utterly a different person around her.

peacedove

Ummm, just my opinion and only my opinion. What you just described doesn't sound great.
To me, it looks like policing but not so much about alcohol since your bf knows you are less tolerant than most about it. I get your concerns over this alcoholic friend but...it also looks like some control issues beyond the subject matter of the alcoholic friend.
Also, you wrote of another friend you didn't care for because your bf jumps or makes poor decisions. Then you mentioned you could usually talk him out of whatever it is before it happens.
Maybe look a little deeper regarding your relationship with your bf? You aren't his mother. You are his gf. If you feel he is not respecting you and you have to "talk" to him for the right decisions to be made for you to be comfortable then it isn't a great relationship.
If I have misinterpreted anything posted then it is my mistake. I don't mean to cause you further distress. And I surely do not have the whole story as I am not you nor your bf so things can and do get lost in translation.

SparkleKitty

Hi Salvia, welcome to SR!

While I understand your concerns and especially your sensitivity to the issue, your BF is a grown man who is capable of making his own decisions, for better or for worse. It can be difficult to watch someone you love make choices that you don't think are in their best interests, but allowing him the dignity to do so and to deal with the consequences of those choices is essential to being in a committed relationship. The best we can do is detach from those consequences as much as possible so our own lives are not thrown out of whack by them. Sending you strength!

Sungrl

No matter how hard you try, bf or not, you can never control what another person does.

It seems you have communicated your feelings regarding all these issues. Now your bf has to make the choice of how to handle things.

You can't pick his friends. If you truly feel, and once again we are only getting a small part of the story, he is making poor decisions that make you unhappy, it's time to reevaluate the relationship. imo.

Trying to police him is only going to cause resentment.

I hope things work out the best for both of you.

Tuffgirl

With all due respect, Salvia, I can't help but think this above (& in bold) is the real issue. If you talk with him about anything, it should be this girl he has a relationship with who seems to have some real influence over him.

AnvilheadII

there's a big leap between taking your partner's thoughts and concerns into consideration and then making one's own decision AND just doing whatever your partner tells you to do. i understand that YOU have concerns....but this is his friend and his choice and his life. he really doesn't NEED your permission - and you certainly don't have to like all decisions he makes.

the undercurrent i hear tho is this other female....you seem to be in a tug of war with her. you also seem to be pretty controlling over what your BF does and even get mad when you don't know what he is thinking. if i didn't know better i'd wonder if this was a mom talking about her teenage son........

people should be free to be who they are and have that be ok in a healthy relationship. there HAS to be trust and respect and equality.

NeedHappiness

Salvia.... My first reaction after reading your post is that this gal who you are concerned with must be a "love interest" of some sort. If it were me, I would be more worried about her influence on your boyfriend than the "a" friend he wants to reunite with. Something just doesn't sound right to me..... in regards to her..... sorry, JMHO