Sober alcoholic
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: michigan
Posts: 296
Sober alcoholic
How many of you live with a sober alcoholic? By this I mean they have quit drinking but their behavior is that of someone drinking? Does Anyone have a solution to this? What was your experiences?
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 70
Hi Cricket,
Sorry to hear that you're going through this. It's pretty horrible.
My (ex?)(R?)ABF managed a period of sobriety for about one year before relapsing. While it was great that he wasn't drinking during that time, he wasn't doing anything else either. Still got upset and angry all the time. Didn't want to go outside and do anything. Didn't want to see people. Pretty much spent the whole time on the computer and in front of the TV. Wouldn't look for a job. Got defensive when people suggested he do something. It made us feel like we were walking in eggshells all the time - we didn't want to upset him in case he picked up a bottle again; it was a lose-lose situation. So, while he was sober, he wasn't 'in recovery'.
He's now going to AA and starting to work the steps. It's still very early days, but he seems better. So I guess it's a start.
In the time he was sober for a year, I made a point of not letting it get me down. If he didn't want to go out for breakfast on the weekend, I'd do it myself. If he didn't want to see a movie, I'd go with a friend. If he didn't want to do any exercise, I'd go for a run. It didn't inspire him to do anything, but it did make sure that I didn't miss out on living life.
I'd suggest trying AlAnon too - there's other people there who know what you're going through and they won't judge. It helped save my sanity, I wish I'd gone earlier!
Look after yourself xxx
Sorry to hear that you're going through this. It's pretty horrible.
My (ex?)(R?)ABF managed a period of sobriety for about one year before relapsing. While it was great that he wasn't drinking during that time, he wasn't doing anything else either. Still got upset and angry all the time. Didn't want to go outside and do anything. Didn't want to see people. Pretty much spent the whole time on the computer and in front of the TV. Wouldn't look for a job. Got defensive when people suggested he do something. It made us feel like we were walking in eggshells all the time - we didn't want to upset him in case he picked up a bottle again; it was a lose-lose situation. So, while he was sober, he wasn't 'in recovery'.
He's now going to AA and starting to work the steps. It's still very early days, but he seems better. So I guess it's a start.
In the time he was sober for a year, I made a point of not letting it get me down. If he didn't want to go out for breakfast on the weekend, I'd do it myself. If he didn't want to see a movie, I'd go with a friend. If he didn't want to do any exercise, I'd go for a run. It didn't inspire him to do anything, but it did make sure that I didn't miss out on living life.
I'd suggest trying AlAnon too - there's other people there who know what you're going through and they won't judge. It helped save my sanity, I wish I'd gone earlier!
Look after yourself xxx
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
One of the things I found hardest to understand (and I like to think I am somewhat intelligent) was how alcoholism could be alive and well even without a drop of alcohol.
The term "dry drunk" sort of encompasses what you are describing. Someone who has the disease of alcoholism has a mindset and a way of dealing with life that is not isolated to just when they drink.
I think the big book says something about how drinking is just a symptom of the disease and that was something I could not grasp for a long time.
My xAH had and has NO coping skills, blames others, is on edge with even the slightest conflict, doesn't think he needs to live life on life's terms and roll with it as the rest of us do and so on. And all of that was just exacerbated but certainly not isolated to just when he drank.
My family of origin (my parents) both come from families where there is alcoholism. Neither of my parents drank to excess by any means - in fact they hardly drank at all- but the emotional unpredictability and chaos and blaming and all the other alcoholic behaviors besides drinking were alive and well all without alcohol present.
The term "dry drunk" sort of encompasses what you are describing. Someone who has the disease of alcoholism has a mindset and a way of dealing with life that is not isolated to just when they drink.
I think the big book says something about how drinking is just a symptom of the disease and that was something I could not grasp for a long time.
My xAH had and has NO coping skills, blames others, is on edge with even the slightest conflict, doesn't think he needs to live life on life's terms and roll with it as the rest of us do and so on. And all of that was just exacerbated but certainly not isolated to just when he drank.
My family of origin (my parents) both come from families where there is alcoholism. Neither of my parents drank to excess by any means - in fact they hardly drank at all- but the emotional unpredictability and chaos and blaming and all the other alcoholic behaviors besides drinking were alive and well all without alcohol present.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: michigan
Posts: 296
yeah I have found this to be harder to deal with then when he was drinking, I almost wish he would go back to drinking so I can at least blame his behavior on that. lol
I keep trying with him and nothing I do seems to work, he keeps accusing me of not trying and being a bad mom, lazy not willing to help with the bills(that he has ran up). I have been to counseling with and without him and I can not make any headway.
Today I have called a lawyer for a consutation, this scares me to death but i am tired of trying. They say you Divorce when you turn over the last stone, and I have been rolling it over and over I think I am coming to that wall where it will not be able to roll anymore.
Again the sad part of this is our relationship could of worked out if he just worked at it a little bit.
I keep trying with him and nothing I do seems to work, he keeps accusing me of not trying and being a bad mom, lazy not willing to help with the bills(that he has ran up). I have been to counseling with and without him and I can not make any headway.
Today I have called a lawyer for a consutation, this scares me to death but i am tired of trying. They say you Divorce when you turn over the last stone, and I have been rolling it over and over I think I am coming to that wall where it will not be able to roll anymore.
Again the sad part of this is our relationship could of worked out if he just worked at it a little bit.
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