Maylie

It is SO hard to let go of control and the whole mentality "If I don't make sure it gets done then it won't". I try to take a step back and not hover but I can feel myself silently watching and seeing if it will all go smooth without me.

For example, my boyfriend is the sweetest guy I have ever met but he is not the type of person that rushes. Yunno the type of person that even if he over sleeps he still isn't running out the door to be on time? He always underestimates how long it will take him to do something, get somewhere, etc.

I on the other hand am the complete opposite. I find myself acting like his mother waking him up telling him how he will be late, nagging him to get out the door and to stop messing around with pointless stuff, etc. I must confess that sometimes when I am not home I call him to make sure that he is on his way to work because I think if I don't make sure he will over sleep and miss work.

I know I need to let go he is an adult and he is capable of getting to work on time. The only problem is there is a lot of times that if not for me he would have missed work and in all honestly, we cannot afford for him to miss a day of work nevermind get fired!

It shouldn't be so hard to let go of the control! I know that most of the reason he doesn't worry about time is because he knows I will be up his butt. Why worry about oversleeping if you know if you sleep a little to long your personal living alarm clock will wake you up and make sure you get to work on time.

I know I am making him not be responsible for his own actions. I am trying to step back but at the same time, we cannot afford him to miss work. I guess what I need to do is have a talk with him.

I know this sounds so petty. People are going through so much today and I post about this I should be happy that I have gotten to the point where this is my big concern for the day lol. But I am continually working on myself and I know that this is my codi behavior coming out with the whole "without me he will always be late and we won't be able to make rent blah blah blah"

Would you all just not wake him up even though you know that missing a day of work will make it hard to pay bills?

Katiekate

If he never has to suffer the consequences of his actions, he will continue to believe there are no consequences.

He can set an alarm.

You are practicing a behavior that is driving you nuts, the money is not the issue.

suki44883

Not to sound harsh, but...why are you allowing your financial situation be in the control of someone so irresponsible? Is it possible for you to take control of your own needs so that you aren't dependent on him? If not, is it possible for you to figure out a way to do so?

I've lived with irresponsible people before and it caused me no end of misery. I was exhausted from working my own job, raising kids, and then having to make sure they took care of their responsibilities. I finally had to do something to make sure my and my kids situations would be taken care of regardless of what he did.

cynical one

Ditto what suki said. I would get myself in a position where I could support myself. Then I would calmly tell him...once, that you are retiring from your job as mommy. Treat him as an adult and allow him to reap the rewards and/or feel the consequences.

I posted this in my blog a few nights ago...you might find it helpful.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tionships.html

AnvilheadII

Would you all just not wake him up even though you know that missing a day of work will make it hard to pay bills?

i'd suggest taking a few steps back here - easier to see the slightly bigger picture. obviously right now paying bills ON TIME, retaining employment and meeting obligations is FAR MORE important to you than to him. that's called relying on the unreliable.

only you can decide if this is a deal breaker or to just deal with it.


now sidenote here....i'm the family alarm in our house - thank hormones and years of not sleeping well past about 2am, and rarely do we NEED to have an alarm set!!! i get up 15 minutes before "get up" time to get the world's slowest coffee pot brewing, then dive back in bed for that last glorious 15 minutes. then we are both up....if hank doesn't arise right away, i'll check on him - he can fall RIGHT back to sleep sometimes, but not often. every once in a while i do wish he'd get his butt out of bed first and get the coffee going...hell he's usually up at 6am and making coffee on the weekends! but i'm awake anyways, even if i don't want to be, and i'd certainly wake up if he was banging around, so it's just one of those things I DO, mostly voluntarily! LOL i cannot guarantee i am always in a cheerful pleasant demeanor but i try the best i can at 4:25AM!!!

i also pack his lunch. CAN HE? yes. WILL he? probably not, it's a full time job just getting dressed, evidently!! plus it's way less expensive and with his body type (lean) and his job (masonry construction) if he doesn't eat well his blood sugars go nuts and then we have a MESS on our hands!!!! so the extra stuff i put in his lunch box that he wouldn't get during a dash to some fastfood/takeout joint goes a long way to his overall state of being....meaning what i get to deal with when he gets home!!!! happy, balanced, stable guy OR cranky ADD guy?

so back to you. you have options. cuz it's not really HIS behaviors that are driving you nuts....it's YOUR behaviors. which you are in total control of.

Maylie

Suki I am in law school and couldn't work during the school year and my financial aid covers basically till finals so now that I am in finals I'll get a summer job til school picks up again and financial aid check comes again so normally I am not dependent on him for money. (I prob. should have done a little less shopping so my financial aid would last a little longer lol).

Normally I don't mind making sure he is up since I naturally wake up like you Anvil. I'm not sure if I am just REALLY cranky because law school finals are kicking my butt or because I have just been looking at things and wondering if I am preventing him from being more responsible. -shrugs- A little of both?

Thanks for the responses it is good to get others opinions on things. It is def. not a deal breaker since like I am up anyway and out of all his good qualities him liking to sleep and being slow waking up/irresponsible with hitting the snooze button is not the end of the world...except when I am cranky.

shinebright7

One of the women in my Al Anon meeting last week shared that she didn't wake her addict son up for work like she used to.

She said it took "everything in her" not to do it...but she felt so good afterwards that she was able to detach with love and not do something for the addict/alcoholic that they could do themselves.

She was getting ready for her day and she thought he might hear her taking a shower, etc. but he didn't.

So she kept going about her morning getting herself ready.

Eventually she said he did wake up in time to get to work, but not with enough time to shower and do his usual routine.

Oh well!

That is HIS issue and not hers.

My friend out of state advised me to make a plan so that my finances are not depended on "sicky boy" as he calls my husband.

So I am having to borrow money from a friend so that I don't have to rely on sick boy to get my bills paid while he is out of the house.

Not my favorite thing to do, but it's better than relying on him when he's not in strong recovery and we're also not talking to each other. xo

LoveMeNow

Well, I am on the opposite side. I am more like your boyfriend. I am always late or just on time for the reasons you described about your bf. In fact, being early, makes me anxious. I don't know why but it does. My family will be waiting in the car for me, and I decide to pick up. through a load of laundry in, etc...

So my husband is my alarm clock. He will also say we are leaving 15 mins before he really wants to, because he knows how I am. Lol.

My mother always enabled this behavior too. However, I never lost a job and was fully capable when I was single and alone. But if I don't need to be ... on this problem, I am not. I also have bad bouts of insomnia so I am definitely not a morning person.

That said, I am very responsible in other ways, ways that my husband isnt, never was and never will be. So, although he used to gripe about it, he has learn to accept it.

For me, I think it's more about balance. Are we giving more then we are getting?

AnvilheadII

mmm, the one thing i wanted to add...IF we have been the person nominated/volunteered/conscripted to be the alarm, coffee maker, chief sock washer and the other person has come to rely upon that - good or bad - IF we want to stop doing those things i think it's fair to give them a heads up????

going back to the saying that "we teach people how to treat us" i think we also "teach people what they can expect from us" - if i just all of the sudden decided silently i am NOT getting up tomorrow and getting the day underway and i don't let hank KNOW this ahead of time, then i'm just being mean and playing games and it won't go well for ANYONE concerned!!!!