AGF is back at it...
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 11
AGF is back at it...
Hi all,
It's been a while again. In my last post, I said how my AGF was doing better. Well, I'm really sorry to say that she's back at it again. She's drinking once again. Her rationale this time is that she's not drinking hard liquor anymore, but she's drinking wine instead. This is absolutely ridiculous thinking, but not surprising for an A. Initially, she wasn't drinking much at all, but there has been a gradual slip. She hasn't had any meltdowns, as she often did with hard liquor, but I really don't like where this trend is going. The other day, she indicated to me that she "doesn't drink three bottles of wine a night". No, she's averaging "just" a bottle and a half or so a night. That's completely excessive and it shows me quite clearly that she hasn't even come close to wanting recovery and that she's still very much in active addiction. It also shows that she's still 100% oblivious to how problematic her drinking is and how much pain it's caused. The bottom line is that she's not ready yet. I realize that everyone recovers at a different rate, that's a given in recovery, IMO, but the problem is that I feel completely duped. It was really as though I was given a show of smoke and mirrors to alleviate my concerns and then once the smoke cleared, she would happily return to her old ways. I'm still going to Al-Anon meetings, usually twice a week now, so I'm not losing it and trying to take control of her situation. To be honest, the only reason that I haven't lost it and said some nasty things is because of Al-Anon. Insight and support go a very long way in recovery and an even longer way when dealing with a loved one that's an A.
Anyways, I wanted to give everyone a quick update. I would also love some feedback on this situation. I have insight about it, but I always love to hear as many different perspectives on it as possible. Al-Anon is my bread and butter when it comes to this, but every bit helps incredibly. Thanks in advance.
It's been a while again. In my last post, I said how my AGF was doing better. Well, I'm really sorry to say that she's back at it again. She's drinking once again. Her rationale this time is that she's not drinking hard liquor anymore, but she's drinking wine instead. This is absolutely ridiculous thinking, but not surprising for an A. Initially, she wasn't drinking much at all, but there has been a gradual slip. She hasn't had any meltdowns, as she often did with hard liquor, but I really don't like where this trend is going. The other day, she indicated to me that she "doesn't drink three bottles of wine a night". No, she's averaging "just" a bottle and a half or so a night. That's completely excessive and it shows me quite clearly that she hasn't even come close to wanting recovery and that she's still very much in active addiction. It also shows that she's still 100% oblivious to how problematic her drinking is and how much pain it's caused. The bottom line is that she's not ready yet. I realize that everyone recovers at a different rate, that's a given in recovery, IMO, but the problem is that I feel completely duped. It was really as though I was given a show of smoke and mirrors to alleviate my concerns and then once the smoke cleared, she would happily return to her old ways. I'm still going to Al-Anon meetings, usually twice a week now, so I'm not losing it and trying to take control of her situation. To be honest, the only reason that I haven't lost it and said some nasty things is because of Al-Anon. Insight and support go a very long way in recovery and an even longer way when dealing with a loved one that's an A.
Anyways, I wanted to give everyone a quick update. I would also love some feedback on this situation. I have insight about it, but I always love to hear as many different perspectives on it as possible. Al-Anon is my bread and butter when it comes to this, but every bit helps incredibly. Thanks in advance.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,871
If she wants to drink, she's going to drink. While you are correct in saying that everyone recovers at their own pace, remember that many don't recover at all. As you said, she isn't ready, but you must also accept that she may never be ready.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
The story you have told is a very common one and my XA would put on the "recovery show" whenever things got too hot between us over a relapse. This went on for years and we always in a state of complete insanity of drinking or in an uneasy state of abstinence where he was trying to figure out how he could sneak a drink and I was the detective.
There were some brief times of attempts at true recovery... authentic recovery ... but looking back in all honesty they were short time windows and his mistress alcohol always called him back and he would run to her side.
Drinking. It's what they do. Sadly, many do not recover. My XA never did REALLY want to recover. I forced him into abstinence many times but not drinking was not recovery and it didn't change the final outcome of our relationship.
When I had pushed us both to the brink of complete and utter insanity with my own disease (I was sicker after all) it was to the point of physical danger for him. Our final breakup happened when he relapsed and I put him out of the house and he flew to Vegas to drink himself to death. He continues to work on that goal to this day while asking me to come rescue him as I had done before.
I just tell him to call AA Las Vegas and help himself.
or die.
sadly, it looks like death will be his way out.
and that is his choice.
So... accepting that we cannot change them is the hardest part. Giving up the fantasy. Hoping against hope and the rollercoastering emotions. It's hard. very hard.
But... it sets us free. It sets them free to choose without being manipulated others and experiencing the true consequences of their choices. It makes it clear what they really want to do....
That's my E, S and H.
There were some brief times of attempts at true recovery... authentic recovery ... but looking back in all honesty they were short time windows and his mistress alcohol always called him back and he would run to her side.
Drinking. It's what they do. Sadly, many do not recover. My XA never did REALLY want to recover. I forced him into abstinence many times but not drinking was not recovery and it didn't change the final outcome of our relationship.
When I had pushed us both to the brink of complete and utter insanity with my own disease (I was sicker after all) it was to the point of physical danger for him. Our final breakup happened when he relapsed and I put him out of the house and he flew to Vegas to drink himself to death. He continues to work on that goal to this day while asking me to come rescue him as I had done before.
I just tell him to call AA Las Vegas and help himself.
or die.
sadly, it looks like death will be his way out.
and that is his choice.
So... accepting that we cannot change them is the hardest part. Giving up the fantasy. Hoping against hope and the rollercoastering emotions. It's hard. very hard.
But... it sets us free. It sets them free to choose without being manipulated others and experiencing the true consequences of their choices. It makes it clear what they really want to do....
That's my E, S and H.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 267
I am so sorry, Chef. As the others said, she may never recover. Or, she might. It is up to you whether you want to stick around to find out which it will be.
The only thing I can say is that many alcoholics have to exhaust every possibility for "cutting down" before they finally quit. It is part of hitting bottom for them. I did the same thing - started off drinking beer then progressed to hard liquor. Once I realized I had a problem I started setting arbitrary limits - just weekends. Then I switched back to beer. Then wine. It is a very common story.
For me, once I had tried everything to moderate on my own and realized I couldn't, I began to really realize the extent of my problem. All it took was a very nasty fight where I almost became violent toward my BF and I realized how out of control I was, so I quit. Now I am only a few days short of a year sober.
The point is, everyone's recovery is different. I do not want to offer you false hope - it sounds like she might be in for a low bottom and it is going to be quite a bumpy ride for you even if she does eventually recover.
It is good that you are going to Al-Anon. That, and coming here, really save my sanity with my ABF.
The only thing I can say is that many alcoholics have to exhaust every possibility for "cutting down" before they finally quit. It is part of hitting bottom for them. I did the same thing - started off drinking beer then progressed to hard liquor. Once I realized I had a problem I started setting arbitrary limits - just weekends. Then I switched back to beer. Then wine. It is a very common story.
For me, once I had tried everything to moderate on my own and realized I couldn't, I began to really realize the extent of my problem. All it took was a very nasty fight where I almost became violent toward my BF and I realized how out of control I was, so I quit. Now I am only a few days short of a year sober.
The point is, everyone's recovery is different. I do not want to offer you false hope - it sounds like she might be in for a low bottom and it is going to be quite a bumpy ride for you even if she does eventually recover.
It is good that you are going to Al-Anon. That, and coming here, really save my sanity with my ABF.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
The story you have told is a very common one and my XA would put on the "recovery show" whenever things got too hot between us over a relapse. This went on for years and we always in a state of complete insanity of drinking or in an uneasy state of abstinence where he was trying to figure out how he could sneak a drink and I was the detective.
There were some brief times of attempts at true recovery... authentic recovery ... but looking back in all honesty they were short time windows and his mistress alcohol always called him back and he would run to her side.
There were some brief times of attempts at true recovery... authentic recovery ... but looking back in all honesty they were short time windows and his mistress alcohol always called him back and he would run to her side.
The best thing I did for myself when I realized this was happening was to take a step back and observe from the "outside," disengage from his promises and really look at what he DOES and not just at what he says. What I found was disappointing, but ultimately gave me all the information I needed to move forward.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
I would not allow XA in my home when he would drink liquor. ( I should say, if I saw him drink liquor I would drop him off at his home) He would turn into the bull in the china shop, something would always end up broke or ruined . So naturally, he would only drink beer or wine, in some half assed attempt to appease me.
I have no one to blame but myself, I took a front row seat to his unacceptable behavior. For 5 years , I really thought this was a phase, and he would somehow pull it together. I figured he would tire of "party every night" mentality, and we could move forward in life.
Well guess how that worked out for me? I think we both know that the addict's mind does not process information in the same way a normal person does.
This is who she is, and this is how she chooses to presently live her life.
I felt quite duped too. In my head, I kept thinking, stop insulting my intelligence, you are NOT just having a glass of wine with dinner, or you did not just have "one" beer before you arrived here. What an exhausting, waste of time, allowing an out of control person to rule my life.
Sending you support.
I have no one to blame but myself, I took a front row seat to his unacceptable behavior. For 5 years , I really thought this was a phase, and he would somehow pull it together. I figured he would tire of "party every night" mentality, and we could move forward in life.
Well guess how that worked out for me? I think we both know that the addict's mind does not process information in the same way a normal person does.
This is who she is, and this is how she chooses to presently live her life.
I felt quite duped too. In my head, I kept thinking, stop insulting my intelligence, you are NOT just having a glass of wine with dinner, or you did not just have "one" beer before you arrived here. What an exhausting, waste of time, allowing an out of control person to rule my life.
Sending you support.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
does she live WITH you? if i recall you have some years of sobriety under your belt....do you have any house rules or boundaries regarding ANYONE allowed to have drugs or alcohol in your home?
i know you feel duped, but when she first seemed to sober up you took a lot of pride and ownership in that. perhaps this lesson is for you - the same one we all have to learn, and usually the hard way - we are not in control of anybody else's recovery except our own. at best we are road signs on the highway of life - REST(oration) AREA, 3 miles ahead. Sobriety Station, next right. it's up to them IF they even read the sign, and if they choose to take the exit and what they do once they get there.
also, recovering addict/alcoholics have to learn to differentiate between helping a newcomer at a meeting, and trying to get our loved ones to quit. i gave myself a case of the screamin' meamies trying to GET my husband to WANT to quit crack and put my own fragile recovery in jeopardy!!! and that's how i found my way here to SR - cuz the codependent side of my roared to life.
i know you feel duped, but when she first seemed to sober up you took a lot of pride and ownership in that. perhaps this lesson is for you - the same one we all have to learn, and usually the hard way - we are not in control of anybody else's recovery except our own. at best we are road signs on the highway of life - REST(oration) AREA, 3 miles ahead. Sobriety Station, next right. it's up to them IF they even read the sign, and if they choose to take the exit and what they do once they get there.
also, recovering addict/alcoholics have to learn to differentiate between helping a newcomer at a meeting, and trying to get our loved ones to quit. i gave myself a case of the screamin' meamies trying to GET my husband to WANT to quit crack and put my own fragile recovery in jeopardy!!! and that's how i found my way here to SR - cuz the codependent side of my roared to life.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 11
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
does she live WITH you? if i recall you have some years of sobriety under your belt....do you have any house rules or boundaries regarding ANYONE allowed to have drugs or alcohol in your home?
i know you feel duped, but when she first seemed to sober up you took a lot of pride and ownership in that. perhaps this lesson is for you - the same one we all have to learn, and usually the hard way - we are not in control of anybody else's recovery except our own. at best we are road signs on the highway of life - REST(oration) AREA, 3 miles ahead. Sobriety Station, next right. it's up to them IF they even read the sign, and if they choose to take the exit and what they do once they get there.
also, recovering addict/alcoholics have to learn to differentiate between helping a newcomer at a meeting, and trying to get our loved ones to quit. i gave myself a case of the screamin' meamies trying to GET my husband to WANT to quit crack and put my own fragile recovery in jeopardy!!! and that's how i found my way here to SR - cuz the codependent side of my roared to life.
i know you feel duped, but when she first seemed to sober up you took a lot of pride and ownership in that. perhaps this lesson is for you - the same one we all have to learn, and usually the hard way - we are not in control of anybody else's recovery except our own. at best we are road signs on the highway of life - REST(oration) AREA, 3 miles ahead. Sobriety Station, next right. it's up to them IF they even read the sign, and if they choose to take the exit and what they do once they get there.
also, recovering addict/alcoholics have to learn to differentiate between helping a newcomer at a meeting, and trying to get our loved ones to quit. i gave myself a case of the screamin' meamies trying to GET my husband to WANT to quit crack and put my own fragile recovery in jeopardy!!! and that's how i found my way here to SR - cuz the codependent side of my roared to life.
It's because of this rule that things are so friggin' tricky with the AGF. She knows about the rule, but thumbs her nose at it. I've been over it with her time and time again about the rule, but to no avail. The irony is that if the rule involves me (e.g. a friend bringing a bottle of wine for me to have with dinner), it goes into full effect, and the booze is stopped at the door and not a drop is poured. However, if it involves her (e.g. her buying wine to drink "to take the edge off"), the rule goes out the window and "exceptions" are made. Specifically, she thinks that she's able to bring the wine in because she's not an RA (yet she fails to realize that she's an A
) These exceptions to the rule are classic A thinking. I've let go of her addiction and like I've said, I seek support through Al-Anon and through Soberrecovery. Looking at the posts above, I think that they're absolutely right in saying that she may never be ready for recovery. This saddens me, to be honest. It saddens me because it means that I might have to end the relationship. I'm sure as hell not going out with an A that has no desire to recover. As an RA myself, I'm not jeopardizing my three years of sobriety and all the gains that I've made while sober for the sake of someone that either can't wake up and see the damage she's causing or simply doesn't care and doesn't want to get sober. I wish that there was more that I could do to try and get her on the path to recovery, but I can't control her recovery. She's eventually going to have to want it (and badly) or she's going to hit rock bottom. She can think that she'll never hit rock bottom all she wants, but she's just deluding herself. I can provide support, but it's all up to her at this point. I know that I sound like a broken record in my posts when I say all of this, but I'm just venting my thoughts and feelings about this to a group of people that fully understand what this is like.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I can remember that when the addict in my life stated that he wanted to get clean – for me. He wanted to make things right for us. He loved me and would do anything to show me that……..AnvillheadII is 100% correct regarding ownership….boy did I think I was something special cause he was doing it for ME….wow - was I 100% WRONG!!!! I was still making it all about ME and I wanted to believe his words instead of really watching his actions. I’ve since learned that all those words are a shield they create to protect their booze/drug and to get people off their backs for a while.
You have rules in your home regarding booze for everyone EXCEPT her, why? What makes her drinking so special to you? What are you afraid will happen if you enforce YOUR rule?
You have rules in your home regarding booze for everyone EXCEPT her, why? What makes her drinking so special to you? What are you afraid will happen if you enforce YOUR rule?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
Chef:
1) Your home is either drug and alcohol free or not. PERIOD. you are putting your own sobriety in jeopardy FOR HER by loosening or simply abandoning your own standards and boundaries.
2) Her recovery, getting recovery, wanting to get recovery, is NONE of your dang business. it's actually rather, oh what is the word, not pious, but like that...patronizing almost for YOU to determine on her behalf that SHE has a problem, and that problem is that SHE is an Alcoholic, and that SHE needs to get into recovery, and that you are going to get her there, but meanwhile you will allow her to drink in your drug/alcohol free home.
you are not the sobriety superhero here
to rescue the damsel in distress. SHE is not in distress, SHE is fine, SHE is walking all over you and liking it! you are NOT providing the conduit to sobriety for her, you are in fact my dear ENABLING.
1) Your home is either drug and alcohol free or not. PERIOD. you are putting your own sobriety in jeopardy FOR HER by loosening or simply abandoning your own standards and boundaries.
2) Her recovery, getting recovery, wanting to get recovery, is NONE of your dang business. it's actually rather, oh what is the word, not pious, but like that...patronizing almost for YOU to determine on her behalf that SHE has a problem, and that problem is that SHE is an Alcoholic, and that SHE needs to get into recovery, and that you are going to get her there, but meanwhile you will allow her to drink in your drug/alcohol free home.
you are not the sobriety superhero here
to rescue the damsel in distress. SHE is not in distress, SHE is fine, SHE is walking all over you and liking it! you are NOT providing the conduit to sobriety for her, you are in fact my dear ENABLING.
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