Shame
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South Pacific
Posts: 171
Hmmm hi Ellie...
the cycle of blame and shame... I think it drags us down... :>(
I just keep sharing, and get to as many meetings as i can... on
and offline... it is healthy... take care out there... DavidG.
the cycle of blame and shame... I think it drags us down... :>(
I just keep sharing, and get to as many meetings as i can... on
and offline... it is healthy... take care out there... DavidG.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 430
The 3 c's may help that we talk about in al anon:
We didn't cause it.
We can't control it.
We can't cure it.
Are you going to al anon or acoa meetings?
They can help you deal with your emotions and to let to go and let God. xo
Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery
We didn't cause it.
We can't control it.
We can't cure it.
Are you going to al anon or acoa meetings?
They can help you deal with your emotions and to let to go and let God. xo
Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 179
My AF father and codie mother were experts at using shame to control my brother and I as kids.
I still struggle with it. When I do things for myself I feel shameful that I'm being selfish. I 'understand' (logical) that I need to take care of myself, and it's okay to do things for myself as long as it's not to exclusion of all the others in my life (sometimes that's okay too). But I still 'feel' shameful that I'm being selfish.
When I do wrong (let's face it, we all do things wrong at times, it's human), I am overwhelmed by shame. I don't want anyone to find out. I'm tempted to try and cover it up. Blame it on others or escape from my guilt (either through booze, drugs or other escapist activities (sexual release, gaming, internet, ect).
I'm learning that it's okay to make a mistake. It's okay to take care of myself first. Although it triggers feelings of shame in guilt, I can let those go. Those feelings don't control me anymore.
I still struggle with it. When I do things for myself I feel shameful that I'm being selfish. I 'understand' (logical) that I need to take care of myself, and it's okay to do things for myself as long as it's not to exclusion of all the others in my life (sometimes that's okay too). But I still 'feel' shameful that I'm being selfish.
When I do wrong (let's face it, we all do things wrong at times, it's human), I am overwhelmed by shame. I don't want anyone to find out. I'm tempted to try and cover it up. Blame it on others or escape from my guilt (either through booze, drugs or other escapist activities (sexual release, gaming, internet, ect).
I'm learning that it's okay to make a mistake. It's okay to take care of myself first. Although it triggers feelings of shame in guilt, I can let those go. Those feelings don't control me anymore.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Ct.
Posts: 173
For me, the shame release thing has been sort of a grief/awakening process over the years. I'll just be going about my business sometimes, not at a meeting or anything, just daily life situations etc., and I'll realize hey, this thing wasn't my fault, or this or that thing I believed about myself (he's this role, can't do math, sloppy, will never make it in life, unlovable etc.) is a lie. Once I've shown and seen for myself that these situations and many of the beliefs I had about myself are lies,, I breath through it and let it go. It's a process.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
A friend recommended this book to me. I just started it recently.
John Bradshaw: Healing the Shame that Binds you.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0757303234
John Bradshaw: Healing the Shame that Binds you.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0757303234
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,420
First time posting in the forum
I am on this forum for the first time. I usually post in other forums, with the Substance Abuse one being my main form of support. I have 53 days clean from opioids, and battled addiction before, My father, who is now dead, was a raging alcoholic and a compulsive gambler. However, out in the world, he was a charming, extrovert.
I think my shame is so ingrained in me that I self-sabotage... like using my prescribed drugs to numb feelings as well as kill pain. My father shamed me over and over as a child for my weight. Then, he sent me to Catholic school where the nun shamed me for being left handed... it was a sin back in the day.
I continue to struggle with shame, and have gone to therapy, read John Bradshaw's book, etc.. and I forget what I learned and revert, at times, to that chubby little left handed girl, so filled with shame I would sit on the sofa frozen, for hours. My mom was unconditionally loving towards me, but she never left my dad in a healthy way.... when she could not stand it she would engage in self harming behaviors and would end up in the hospital.
Yea... shame sucks... how to get externalize it to get past it... I would need to have a leave of absence from work and just work on it... I use care taking and over responsibility to feel good about myself. Then, when i get worn down from stress and exhaustion, I end up using. I think I have some work to do around shame... thank you for this opportunity to share.
I think my shame is so ingrained in me that I self-sabotage... like using my prescribed drugs to numb feelings as well as kill pain. My father shamed me over and over as a child for my weight. Then, he sent me to Catholic school where the nun shamed me for being left handed... it was a sin back in the day.
I continue to struggle with shame, and have gone to therapy, read John Bradshaw's book, etc.. and I forget what I learned and revert, at times, to that chubby little left handed girl, so filled with shame I would sit on the sofa frozen, for hours. My mom was unconditionally loving towards me, but she never left my dad in a healthy way.... when she could not stand it she would engage in self harming behaviors and would end up in the hospital.
Yea... shame sucks... how to get externalize it to get past it... I would need to have a leave of absence from work and just work on it... I use care taking and over responsibility to feel good about myself. Then, when i get worn down from stress and exhaustion, I end up using. I think I have some work to do around shame... thank you for this opportunity to share.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
I seem to be very slowly waking up to the blame and shame cycle. I find myself lashing out sometimes when I feel too directly confronted...and unloved. I apologize immediately, but have found that the members of my biological family, since my dad passed away...do not respond...simply responding with silent treatment as my mother always did. It has been painful, but for some reason...writing to them and staying in touch as long as they respond (mother and sister turned from friends to rejection and shunning as soon as Dad died).
I know that mother and father drank daily until Dad had a stroke and couldn't drink anymore. His last 11 years on this earth were hard as I was the caretaker and responded to his hospitalizations and health crises and medical surgery emergencies...but when he died, mother simply stopped talking to me...as did sister...these women who were so "close" when I was doing the medical stuff...the hard stuff.
I continued in touch with siblings until last transition started and it is now clear to me that mother is truly an alcoholic...but the rest of the family lives in state of denial and also she has been going on and on for years about my mental health...so one daughter (who was a crystal meth addict at the time my mother told her) continues to go on and on around me being crazy.
It has been a hard road...but for some reason...I feel that I am growing and happier than I ever was before. In the hard times, I have stood up for myself a few times, including when crystal meth daughter manipulated her rehab program to believe that I was crazy (because I believe in therapy and psychological help and education)...and I stood up and stood firm...when she was readmitted due to a relapse 6 months later...the entire program was changed.
I tend to let people have their way and not to argue with them unless they get ridiculous or really hurt me with silent treatment (as my mother always did) and being cut off. When people tell me that I am crazy (now in two generations) I am starting to set boundaries. It was easier to set boundaries with my daughter than my mother. My mother is sad for me to even think about...as long as I helped her and did her emotional work ... I called it caring ... she called it "I was like her younger sister"...I go through another cycle of feelings...but I think I am getting better...as I now know that I wasn't the parent...although I acted like it out of desperation...and I am the parent of my daughter and need to stand firm in healthy boundaries although it scares me to death every time I take a stand...as I believe that I will end up being alone...well, but then I take the step...sometimes after long periods of trying to keep things calm...but then I take the step and feel better and healthier for a while until the next step comes up. Recently was able to go into no contact with mother...she finally crossed a boundary that I knew was a point of no return...in her lack of care and compassion...don't believe she has any and the alcohol makes it worse. Had to finally accept that the sister used me up until I had problems in my own life and another brother was just listening to me talk and also so attached to mom that he told her everything...no confidential for sure. I hope that with this new found freedom...and although I grieved heavily...I can reclaim more pieces of my own self.
I know that mother and father drank daily until Dad had a stroke and couldn't drink anymore. His last 11 years on this earth were hard as I was the caretaker and responded to his hospitalizations and health crises and medical surgery emergencies...but when he died, mother simply stopped talking to me...as did sister...these women who were so "close" when I was doing the medical stuff...the hard stuff.
I continued in touch with siblings until last transition started and it is now clear to me that mother is truly an alcoholic...but the rest of the family lives in state of denial and also she has been going on and on for years about my mental health...so one daughter (who was a crystal meth addict at the time my mother told her) continues to go on and on around me being crazy.
It has been a hard road...but for some reason...I feel that I am growing and happier than I ever was before. In the hard times, I have stood up for myself a few times, including when crystal meth daughter manipulated her rehab program to believe that I was crazy (because I believe in therapy and psychological help and education)...and I stood up and stood firm...when she was readmitted due to a relapse 6 months later...the entire program was changed.
I tend to let people have their way and not to argue with them unless they get ridiculous or really hurt me with silent treatment (as my mother always did) and being cut off. When people tell me that I am crazy (now in two generations) I am starting to set boundaries. It was easier to set boundaries with my daughter than my mother. My mother is sad for me to even think about...as long as I helped her and did her emotional work ... I called it caring ... she called it "I was like her younger sister"...I go through another cycle of feelings...but I think I am getting better...as I now know that I wasn't the parent...although I acted like it out of desperation...and I am the parent of my daughter and need to stand firm in healthy boundaries although it scares me to death every time I take a stand...as I believe that I will end up being alone...well, but then I take the step...sometimes after long periods of trying to keep things calm...but then I take the step and feel better and healthier for a while until the next step comes up. Recently was able to go into no contact with mother...she finally crossed a boundary that I knew was a point of no return...in her lack of care and compassion...don't believe she has any and the alcohol makes it worse. Had to finally accept that the sister used me up until I had problems in my own life and another brother was just listening to me talk and also so attached to mom that he told her everything...no confidential for sure. I hope that with this new found freedom...and although I grieved heavily...I can reclaim more pieces of my own self.
Co-dependant Control Freak
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 85
I know the feeling of being the one who is blamed, who is called crazy. My mom was an A, my dad re-married a very abusive woman and hid in the garage so he wouldnt have to deal with it, there was physical abuse all over my extended family that I somehow landed in the middle of as a teen, my sister is an A, lived with abusive men and married an abusive A. But I am the one everyone will call (and does) crazy when I call the pot black. All of a sudden its "poor Terrispots, I dont know what happened to her that she is so unhappy that she has to make up these stories"... UGH!
Like your family, everyone is in such denial and always has been, so that they dont have to deal with it. If they believe us, they cant go on with their charade!
Like your family, everyone is in such denial and always has been, so that they dont have to deal with it. If they believe us, they cant go on with their charade!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: it's complicated
Posts: 99
Another vote for the Bradshaw book above. I was one of those people who was simultaneously crippled by shame and yet not very aware of it... it was like the air I breathed, unless it was especially noxious I just couldn't sense it. But once I understood shame as a kind of cringing shutdown... wow, I had plenty of it, I just didn't know what to call it.
Some things I learned in particular from Bradshaw are that shame is a social emotion, it has to do with our perceptions of the perceptions of other people (whether our perceptions are right or wrong) and it has a freeze effect on action and cognition, making it hard to think and feel at the time except maybe for the desire to sink through the floor and unexist.
After I learned to identify shame, I was able to look at the most common triggers in my life, and they were areas where I hadn't ever really figured out my own values. Once I had my own values in place, the shame triggers lost a lot of power.
What didn't work for me at all is the oft-repeated advice that what other people think of me is none of my business, or that I shouldn't care what other people think. That advice worked for me about like stabbing my shame with a fork... I felt shame about feeling shame!
We are inherently social creatures. When you meet someone who truly doesn't care about the opinions and feelings of others, it's best to run.
Probably most people posting here have dealt with someone who is like this at least some of the time, thanks to one chemical or another.
The personal strength to take an unpopular stance is not about not caring what others think, that is about caring very much and wanting to make things better for everyone.
P.S. Whenever I ~first~ break a dysfunctional family rule, even when I'm certain of my values, I have a big old wash of shame. The second and third time I break the rule, some shame but less. And so on. I thought it was important to mention this because at first it can feel SO BAD to do something healthy, if we aren't prepared for this shame backlash maybe we will think we've made a huge mistake!
Some things I learned in particular from Bradshaw are that shame is a social emotion, it has to do with our perceptions of the perceptions of other people (whether our perceptions are right or wrong) and it has a freeze effect on action and cognition, making it hard to think and feel at the time except maybe for the desire to sink through the floor and unexist.
After I learned to identify shame, I was able to look at the most common triggers in my life, and they were areas where I hadn't ever really figured out my own values. Once I had my own values in place, the shame triggers lost a lot of power.
What didn't work for me at all is the oft-repeated advice that what other people think of me is none of my business, or that I shouldn't care what other people think. That advice worked for me about like stabbing my shame with a fork... I felt shame about feeling shame!
We are inherently social creatures. When you meet someone who truly doesn't care about the opinions and feelings of others, it's best to run.
Probably most people posting here have dealt with someone who is like this at least some of the time, thanks to one chemical or another.The personal strength to take an unpopular stance is not about not caring what others think, that is about caring very much and wanting to make things better for everyone.
P.S. Whenever I ~first~ break a dysfunctional family rule, even when I'm certain of my values, I have a big old wash of shame. The second and third time I break the rule, some shame but less. And so on. I thought it was important to mention this because at first it can feel SO BAD to do something healthy, if we aren't prepared for this shame backlash maybe we will think we've made a huge mistake!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
Originally Posted by Reedling 
What didn't work for me at all is the oft-repeated advice that what other people think of me is none of my business, or that I shouldn't care what other people think. That advice worked for me about like stabbing my shame with a fork... I felt shame about feeling shame!
We are inherently social creatures. When you meet someone who truly doesn't care about the opinions and feelings of others, it's best to run. Probably most people posting here have dealt with someone who is like this at least some of the time, thanks to one chemical or another.
The personal strength to take an unpopular stance is not about not caring what others think, that is about caring very much and wanting to make things better for everyone.
P.S. Whenever I ~first~ break a dysfunctional family rule, even when I'm certain of my values, I have a big old wash of shame. The second and third time I break the rule, some shame but less. And so on. I thought it was important to mention this because at first it can feel SO BAD to do something healthy, if we aren't prepared for this shame backlash maybe we will think we've made a huge mistake!
We are inherently social creatures. When you meet someone who truly doesn't care about the opinions and feelings of others, it's best to run.
Probably most people posting here have dealt with someone who is like this at least some of the time, thanks to one chemical or another.The personal strength to take an unpopular stance is not about not caring what others think, that is about caring very much and wanting to make things better for everyone.
P.S. Whenever I ~first~ break a dysfunctional family rule, even when I'm certain of my values, I have a big old wash of shame. The second and third time I break the rule, some shame but less. And so on. I thought it was important to mention this because at first it can feel SO BAD to do something healthy, if we aren't prepared for this shame backlash maybe we will think we've made a huge mistake!
Wonderfully said and it hit home...it makes me feel encouraged...as have gone through all these things...and to hear it validated gives me the strength to continue on.
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