Tough Love
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 17
Tough Love
Friends,
I am the wife of an over-achiever, binge drinking, lying alcoholic. He has been struggling with his issues for a long time now. He just got out of his 4th trip to rehab. You see it is to the point that when he drinks his body gets so sick so fast that I have to take him to the hospital. He was sober for 9 months and I went on a little vacay with my college girlfriend for 4 days. We talked about it over and over what to do if he started feeling the stress but I wasn't even gone 24 hours and he went over the ledge. I had to send my mom to stay with him and when I got home he was a complete mess. I took him to the ER the next morning and left. I haven't seen him since and that's been 2 weeks ago. They sent him to rehab and then his parents came and took him home with him since I kicked him out. I have been keeping busy with work and the kids. Our oldest is graduating from college and he will not be there. I am so pissed I can not even talk to him. It makes me so upset and I do not have the luxury of falling apart. I've been there and done that. I was always able to rationalize his behavior because when he is sober things are good. He's been a good husband and provider but whatever goes on in his head and issues he refuses to deal with come back to haunt him like a nightmare that never ends. I am his protector and wife. I love him but I love myself more. I've never kicked him out before and I have contacted an attorney to know my options. I just don't know if I have the guts to follow through but he can't come here and screw up my life anymore. I am done and I know that my resolve will weaken but I know that being here with all of you, you understand what I have been through and how heartbreaking it is to watch and experience the watching, the waiting for the other shoe to drop, knowing that he's lying to you but you can't prove it, making you think you are crazy and then the I'm sorry's come, the promises you know will never be kept, the hoping against all hope that God will change him and make him whole and at peace... It's like the lesson you refuse to learn so you have to keep going through it over and over until you finally are so exhausted that the only thing you can do is save yourself... Sorry to be so long but thanks for being here tonight. God bless you all...
I am the wife of an over-achiever, binge drinking, lying alcoholic. He has been struggling with his issues for a long time now. He just got out of his 4th trip to rehab. You see it is to the point that when he drinks his body gets so sick so fast that I have to take him to the hospital. He was sober for 9 months and I went on a little vacay with my college girlfriend for 4 days. We talked about it over and over what to do if he started feeling the stress but I wasn't even gone 24 hours and he went over the ledge. I had to send my mom to stay with him and when I got home he was a complete mess. I took him to the ER the next morning and left. I haven't seen him since and that's been 2 weeks ago. They sent him to rehab and then his parents came and took him home with him since I kicked him out. I have been keeping busy with work and the kids. Our oldest is graduating from college and he will not be there. I am so pissed I can not even talk to him. It makes me so upset and I do not have the luxury of falling apart. I've been there and done that. I was always able to rationalize his behavior because when he is sober things are good. He's been a good husband and provider but whatever goes on in his head and issues he refuses to deal with come back to haunt him like a nightmare that never ends. I am his protector and wife. I love him but I love myself more. I've never kicked him out before and I have contacted an attorney to know my options. I just don't know if I have the guts to follow through but he can't come here and screw up my life anymore. I am done and I know that my resolve will weaken but I know that being here with all of you, you understand what I have been through and how heartbreaking it is to watch and experience the watching, the waiting for the other shoe to drop, knowing that he's lying to you but you can't prove it, making you think you are crazy and then the I'm sorry's come, the promises you know will never be kept, the hoping against all hope that God will change him and make him whole and at peace... It's like the lesson you refuse to learn so you have to keep going through it over and over until you finally are so exhausted that the only thing you can do is save yourself... Sorry to be so long but thanks for being here tonight. God bless you all...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
I'm sorry for what brought you here tonight. One thing that I gave up doing was asking God to change him when I prayed. I started praying that God would change me, give me peace and acceptance in my situation, give me wisdom to know if I need to end things or continue pressing on, and give me patience to wait for those answers to come. I realized that asking God to change someone who isn't ready to change for themselves was wasted energy. I still pray for my husband, but I pray for him to find his own path, for him to find peace, and for him to be in God's will whatever that may be for him.
FYI: I've been married to my AH for 18 years, he was a dry drunk for 15 years, and now is a binge drinking alcoholic who hasn't gotten to the point of rehab.....yet. His drinking has caused problems with work because of his behavior, he's gotten a dUI and just got 6 extra months tacked onto his breathalyzer in the car because he tried to start it drunk, and our marriage is on the rocks. Al Anon has saved my life, I truly believe that finding that bond with other people who understand is vital to our own recoveries. Thanks for sharing your story, hugs to you!
FYI: I've been married to my AH for 18 years, he was a dry drunk for 15 years, and now is a binge drinking alcoholic who hasn't gotten to the point of rehab.....yet. His drinking has caused problems with work because of his behavior, he's gotten a dUI and just got 6 extra months tacked onto his breathalyzer in the car because he tried to start it drunk, and our marriage is on the rocks. Al Anon has saved my life, I truly believe that finding that bond with other people who understand is vital to our own recoveries. Thanks for sharing your story, hugs to you!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
[QUOTE=Honeybean;3953821]Friends,
...all of you, you understand what I have been through and how heartbreaking it is to watch and experience the watching, the waiting for the other shoe to drop, knowing that he's lying to you but you can't prove it, making you think you are crazy and then the I'm sorry's come, the promises you know will never be kept, the hoping against all hope that God will change him and make him whole and at peace... It's like the lesson you refuse to learn so you have to keep going through it over and over until you finally are so exhausted that the only thing you can do is save yourself...
Well said Honeybean. Yes, most of us on here know exactly what this feels like. I was told many times I was crazy, and would sometimes wonder if I was. Hope against hope that this relapse will be the last. But the time does come when you learn you can only save yourself. Finding the support necessary to make the changes you need to make is important. One Day at a Time.....
...all of you, you understand what I have been through and how heartbreaking it is to watch and experience the watching, the waiting for the other shoe to drop, knowing that he's lying to you but you can't prove it, making you think you are crazy and then the I'm sorry's come, the promises you know will never be kept, the hoping against all hope that God will change him and make him whole and at peace... It's like the lesson you refuse to learn so you have to keep going through it over and over until you finally are so exhausted that the only thing you can do is save yourself...
Well said Honeybean. Yes, most of us on here know exactly what this feels like. I was told many times I was crazy, and would sometimes wonder if I was. Hope against hope that this relapse will be the last. But the time does come when you learn you can only save yourself. Finding the support necessary to make the changes you need to make is important. One Day at a Time.....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 148
"It's like the lesson you refuse to learn so you have to keep going through it over and over"
I am right there with you Honeybean...my heart breaks for you.
I keep repeating to myself what I have learned here - "Nothing Changes, if Nothing Changes" and it sounds like you are making changes, so that is a step forward!
I am right there with you Honeybean...my heart breaks for you.
I keep repeating to myself what I have learned here - "Nothing Changes, if Nothing Changes" and it sounds like you are making changes, so that is a step forward!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
amazing how many over-achieving alcoholics seem incapable of achieving sobriety. i hope he finds that someday.
you took the tough path, standing firm in your convictions and saying No More, This I cannot Do one day longer. surely you will have moments when you waver, but remember this is about YOU more now than HIM.
he's done 4 trips to rehab? ok, so HOW to get sober isn't exactly a mystery. he has all the tools he needs - but you can't begin to build a house unless you actually pick up the hammer and USE IT. rest assured that if he really really wants it bad enough, he'll get it. only time will tell and it's probably best watched from a distance....
you took the tough path, standing firm in your convictions and saying No More, This I cannot Do one day longer. surely you will have moments when you waver, but remember this is about YOU more now than HIM.
he's done 4 trips to rehab? ok, so HOW to get sober isn't exactly a mystery. he has all the tools he needs - but you can't begin to build a house unless you actually pick up the hammer and USE IT. rest assured that if he really really wants it bad enough, he'll get it. only time will tell and it's probably best watched from a distance....
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 267
I was an over-achieving alcoholic - I pushed and pushed and pushed myself. And pushed myself some more. And I didn't know how to relax so I binge drank to stop that "wired" feeling. Turns out that what I was doing was self-medicating my anxiety. Once I got on anxiety meds, I was much, much more able to adjust to life without drinking.
I am no medical professional, but there is a chance that he has deeper issues than just drinking. he may want to (not you, as you cannot be in charge of his recovery) check it out.
I am no medical professional, but there is a chance that he has deeper issues than just drinking. he may want to (not you, as you cannot be in charge of his recovery) check it out.
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