ncgirl2323

I'm new here but I've looked around and I know that I'll get the help I need here so thank you all so much!

I broke up with my ex 3 months ago - coke is his drug of choice but I know he's used pills before... I'm wondering when does the pain go away? I still feel hurt by what he did and how he treated me - how he never had money to do anything, but had money to do coke behind my back... was never intimate but I found how he had an account on a webcam website and was active on that while we were together...

How can I get past all of the lies he told me, how I was there for him and learn to be able to trust when I decide to get into another relationship... he still contacts me but ignore him... do i tell him to leave me alone or will that just open the door for us to talk? I don't know if he's in recovery or if he's still using and I don't know if I'll believe him if he tells me that he's stopped because when we last talked, he said he didn't have a problem... Yeah right! I'm just hurt and still confused and I could use some guidance knowing that I'm not the only one who feels this way.

Tamerua

It does. It takes time. Have you thought about alanon? Also, my vote is no contact. You open that communication channel and it is hard to close again.

zoso77

It depends.

In hindsight, there's a couple of different sources of pain after a breakup with an addict when the breakup is ugly. The first is the pain associated with the loss of the relationship. The second is any betrayal there may have been.

In my case, there was little or no pain associated with the loss of the relationship. All the pain was due to my AXGF betraying me in the manner she did. And in order to get through that, I came to understand that there was no avoiding it. I can to take it head-on. And the first couple of weeks weren't pretty.

But then something interesting happened along the way. I noticed how calm and drama-free my life was without her. No more games, no more arguments, no more drama...things just settled down, and it felt really good.

Last April, I spent a couple of days in the middle of the Utah desert for work. We had broken up in January. And as I was looking at the desolate beauty of the desert -- the bushes, the snow capped mountains, the rocks -- I realized that the betrayal didn't really hurt that much anymore. And I was incredibly thankful and fortunate that she was gone. To be 2,500 miles from home and to not only not miss someone but be thankful that she was gone was huge for me. It meant I was comfortable being on my own.

I don't know if any of this helps you, NcGirl. But if I were you, I would simply accept that things are what they are and keep moving forward and doing the things that not only bring you happiness, but are healthy for you, too. If I can get through what my AXGF did to me, anyone can get through a breakup.

Hang in there.

ZoSo

EverHopeful721

Yes, the pain does go away, ncgirl, but it takes time. You may find that you're feeling better and doing well and then all of a sudden, you have a really bad day and you feel like you're taking a huge step back. And the best thing to do is just to accept that it's a bad day, allow yourself to feel your emotions and then get right back to moving forward as soon as you can.

My XA's DOC is also cocaine, as well as weed and alcohol, and he also treated me badly, never spent one dime on me (but threw a huge birthday bash for him and all his addict friends), and wouldn't commit to me, but then dumped me via text message after he got back with one of his exes who works at the bar where he drinks and uses coke. And like you, I was also the only one who was always there for him, to support him, love him and make him feel better about himself when no one else did. And instead of getting the 'reward' of having him commit to me, he just threw me aside like I was absolutely nothing to him.

I agree with Tamerua that no contact is best because even telling him to leave you alone will definitely open that door of communication and give him a chance to get his hooks back into you. And I also agree with Zoso - you've already been moving forward and getting your life back to normal - keep going!! You just have to realize that it takes time to heal, but you WILL if you just give yourself that chance.

Read the stickies at the top of the page, and especially "What Addicts Do" - it really helps to put it into perspective. And keep coming back to read and post - we all know what you're going through and are here to help you through it!!

madisonblake

I can tell you that you're not alone. The longest I went with no contact with my now once again ex was several months last year. That's the best I've felt since I had begun my relationship almost three years ago. I made the mistake of starting contact with him and it resulted in us getting back together and five months of hell. We broke up again (not shocking) due to his continued relapses a few weeks ago. I felt better. I reached out to him for the money he owed me and it ended up in so much drama, I wished I never would have asked for it. I'm still trying to shake off text messages from two days ago.

If you're gut is telling you to not respond (which it sounds like it is since you are questioning yourself) I would tell you do NOT respond. It will get better in time. I know I felt better after those months last year after re-engaging.

Vale

My truth,and you can take it or leave it------is that the
pain DOES go away,but only if you are willing to do the
hard work if separating from whatever is hurting you.

Short that,all else is wishful thinking.I'm not knocking it,
for I derived alot of good feeling from imagining favorable outcomes
of my decision to interfere in the addictive lifepath of another.

Wishful thinking(like addiction)is a path to nowhere.It's eating
that WHOLE chocolate cake thinking.......I'll run 3 hours tomorrow
to burn it off!

I can only chug for 42 minutes,my daily routine----then I'm pooped
til the next day!

I cured that line of thinking by setting a bar.Fine.....you want the cake?
Run the 3 hours FIRST.

Needless to say.....I don't eat too much chocolate cake anymore!

Seren

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ain-stops.html

This link may help, I thought I would share it.

EverHopeful721

Thank you, hydrogirl, for posting this. I had read this on here a while ago, but had forgotten about it. These words were exactly what I needed to read and remind myself of today.

ncgirl2323

Thank you all so much!! You don't even begin to realize how much your kind words have helped me already!! And to know that I'm not alone is a good thing but its also sad! It's so sad to know that so many people are hurting!

I know I did the right thing by ending the relationship but I hate how I'm constantly thinking about our relationship and wondering if he was high on coke this night... what about that night... when he pushed me away, did he go and get coke? When he never had money and I had to pick up dinner or groceries... was he really broke or was it because he wanted to buy coke? And the part that hurts the most - did he even care about me? Did he even love me? And to think that I thought I was going to marry this guy!

Part of me wants to ask him why he wants to talk to me - does he really think I want to hear what he has to say? Part of me does, I want him to apologize for what he did to me, how me made me feel and how he hurt me but will I really believe him? I guess I want him to fight for me but he never did when we were together so why would he now?

And I guess what I'm most worried about is that how will I even begin to trust someone else when I get into a new relationship - I haven't been around people who've done drugs, maybe in college, but not now and I feel like I'm so naive - how did I not pay attention to the signs!?!?!

I'm going to a therapist and she's helped a lot!! Will meetings like alanon help more? But like everyone has said... I have good days and bad days and I feel like the bad days come out of nowhere! I know time will help but I want the hurting and feeling lost to stop now! I don't regret my relationship with him because I'm able to figure what I really want in a partner and I know its not him but I have days where I second guess myself because I want him to get better and realize how much he messed up and I miss him, as crazy as that sounds...

Thank you so much!!!

crazybabie

You asked about Al-anon, I think it helps even if your in therapy simply because your face to face with people who are going through the same things you are and you also meet people who have made a lot of progress in recovery and it helps seeing that. Example- on this forum we know in different ways how you feel each of us are at different places yet you felt comfort here now imagine that with people in person,

I have been lucky and found my Al-anon home the first place I tried also if you decide you can get a sponsor and at least for me that helps a lot.

Hanna

In a word, yes.

It will get better and you will get stronger. If you work on it you will heal from the experience. Work some more and you will find out what you really want in a relationship and then find a man worthy of you who is able to provide it.

I think ignoring and blocking is the best way to get rid of someone who has betrayed you. Any contact just encourages him.

ncgirl2323

I got a text from him the other night and he said something along the lines of do you hate me that much that you dont want to know about my health or new diagnosis?? He has depression and a lot of other issues but why does he think that i need to follow up and check on him? I know that he'll just blame his drug use and lack of everything on that.... is he just telling me this so i will contact him? Part of me wants to know what he is diagnosed with but does it really matter? Its like hes making me feel bad for not caring when he never really cared about me because he never showed it... sorry, i had to vent... why is this so hard!???!?

EverHopeful721

Yes, he is just telling you this so you'll contact him, thereby opening the door for him to hook you back in. It's not that you don't care about his diagnosis (IF there really even IS some new diagnosis), but it's not YOUR problem to deal with - it's HIS. So no, it DOESN'T really matter, because you're not in a relationship anymore. As you said, he's just going to make excuses and then will continue on doing exactly what he's doing. If he was serious about recovery, he wouldn't have to call YOU for help or support to do it - he would deal with it on his own. As you said, he never cared about you when he HAD you, why should you care now that it's OVER?? I know it's so hard, but stay strong, ncgirl!! Do NOT let him manipulate you again!!