lilyB2013

Hey everyone--

I woke up this morning and made an entry into my Recovery Journal. After I reread it, I thought that it perhaps may be useful for someone to read and relate to- you're not alone. It's diving deeper into my codependence and even asking advice to change the mindset that got me into this mess in the first place.

For those of you who may not journal, I highly recommend it. It has honestly really helped me clear my head and dump all those feelings out as I feel them in real time. This little book has basically become a true friend- I don't feel guilty burdening the pages with all I'm going through- like I would with someone else!


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May 6

Last night I went to bed with this horribly depressed mental state. I think right before I knocked out I had just managed to shake it off... It was inadequacy and the same negative feelings I used to have years ago when I was single- before I met my AXBF. It was the "why does no one like me?" thing I used to wallow over and had me depressed for years. The same thing happens now as back then- people tell me I'm so attractive but I don't feel it-- all I feel is that I'm not good enough.

What I think tripped it have been all the people I've been messaging, trying to get to know and pick up threads of affection, and them not reciprocating as avidly as I secretly hoped. It's not a big deal thing, but it was enough to get me down for an hour or so last night. I absolutely believe this reflects on one of my fundamental codependent problems: I have bad self esteem.

Why am I letting interactions like that dictate how I feel about myself? Why am I letting something so absolutely simple influence how I see myself?

Now that this is happening "on the other side" of a rather dramatic relationship, I can finally see it for what it is. This feeling was EXACTLY what led me to continue with a questionable person so many years ago. I knew he was in recovery- I knew red flags were being thrown up left and right. It was the "yey! Someone actually likes me!" And I stayed and it progressed to what it is today. When my codependent self struggled to keep the relationship together, it was my pride that became the glue.

I wish I had a common sense answer than just "feel better." I think this is where I have to rely on my books and journal and art. I have to make good art, wear clothing that inspires my art and makes me feel good--- and to fall in love with myself.

Having to live "in love with myself" feels like such a sad way to be right now. I feel so needy and wrong wanting affection from someone amazing. I'm not ready for it yet, and I feel wrong for wanting it. Having to disassociate wanting love for love's sake versus love because I'm ready for it is such a fine line. I don't know. My dad said that I need to stop putting a time scale for my recovery-- and he's right. I can't keep saying "it's going to take a long time before I feel good again," because that sends a message to the Universe to make my recovery drag on. But I want love and I want to give love, but I know right now is not the time to meditate on things like that.

EverHopeful721

Thank you for sharing this, Lily. I can certainly relate to all of it!! And yes, it does help to know we're not alone in feeling like this.

shinebright7

Lily - This part that you shared here reminded me of an Al Anon meeting I went to last week on Step 5: Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

I actually gave the lead on it and focused on the first part about ADMITTING.

But during the shares, one of the old-timers shared a reading from Courage to Change (one of the daily readers) about the last part of the step: the exact nature of our wrongs.

The reading pointed out that the step wasn't saying that we have to focus on admitting only our wrongs (like I did this, and I hurt this person...) but rather, the NATURE of our wrongs...

He went on to share that when the NATURE of our wrongs is removed by our Higher Power as discussed in Step 6: humbly asked God to remove all of our shortcomings... that then the wrong behaviors, thoughts, and actions don't come about anymore.

The NATURE of our wrongs can be looked at as our faulty belief system. That's where our wrongs "come from" so that's the NATURE of our wrongs.

Beliefs like: There's something wrong with me. I'm not good enough. I'm unloveable. I don't deserve good things. I'm not worthy.

With beliefs like these it's no wonder that wrong actions, words, and thoughts come out of us, ya know?

So as we admit the nature of our wrongs to God, to ourselves, and to another human being, then we can move to step 6 where we humbly ask God to remove the shortcomings of this faulty way of thinking and seeing things.

Once the "nature of our wrongs" is removed by God (the faulty belief system and assumptions) then we will have right understanding which will lead to right choices, words, and thoughts.

So your post about tracing your stuff back to the low self esteem issue reminded me of this meeting discussion. Low self esteem is the result of some beliefs about ourselves that aren't true. And it's our belief system that I've come to start looking at as the NATURE of my wrongs. The source of my wrongs. The fertile soil out of which my wrongs are growing.

Thanks for sharing your journal entry. It's been helpful for me to remember this topic about Step 5 and remember that what I believe about myself is something that God can help me with too.

lilyB2013

You're absolutely right. I hadn't even really considered or meditated on this very thing-- how the admitting that I have a negative perception about myself has influenced all my decisions and has influenced my relationship with my AXBF. It would seem totally disconnected- when in reality it isn't.