brightstar43

I'm feeling confused and disappointed with myself. I had contact with my ex boyfriend. It's been 2 months since I broke up with him because of his drinking. I was doing ok but over the past 2 weeks was feeling a bit bored and lonely and called him. He called me back and came up on Sat night. He spoke about his drinking and issues relating to his past regarding sexual abuse. I listened but somehow have the feeling he brings this issue up to deliberately avoid his drinking. I feel really bad for thinking like this. Nothing has changed I don't want to get back together with him as I know it causes me a lot of distress and heartbreak but in a way he breaks my heart every time we have contact. And. It's me that instigates the contact by phoning him. Why do I do this to myself? Is it self sabotage I don't understand myself. It's like something takes over me it scares me how I keep repeating this pattern. I feel everyone will be sick listening to me. I can't tell my friends because I fear they will be so frustrated with me. He is not good for me. I wish he would not answer he must know he has nothing to offer me and can't give me what I need. I know he can't give me what I need it's like we're torturing each other it's so unhealthy. Can anyone relate to this craziness because that's how I feel at the moment....an insane crazy person

Recovering2

Do YOU have a recovery program? I think if we try to avoid the A without working on real recovery, it's just like the A trying to avoid alcohol without working on real recovery. It doesn't work too well. We get stuck in our patterns, and have trouble changing our behaviors.

Are you in Alanon? I would suggest you find a group and start attending. If you are attending, think about going through the steps yourself. It will give you a lot more clarity and insight into yourself. Also, I would go back NC until you can work through all of this. Contact with him just adds fuel to the fire. (((hugs)))

brightstar43

Hi recovering2

I'm a member of al anon that's why this scares me. I have went for over 4 years it's a great programme and I have a sponsor who has a lot of knowledge. Al anon has worked for me in so many areas of my life but I struggle with no contact. I do really well and then just set myself back. I find it the hardest pattern to break I keep going back. He even asked me why do we keep going back? I know I need to try really hard to stay away from him

dandylion

brightstar43, letting go of a toxic relationship is painful and it takes more than 2months for it to become "past history". So, you stumbled---and found out that contact leads to more pain. Progress--not perfection...right?

I say congratulate yourself on the 2 months of success. Now, try to addmore challenges or experiences into your life. The more you focus o n something else--the less you will miss him.

sincerely, dandylion

Tuffgirl

This kind of dance makes anyone crazy - its why "no contact" is so highly recommended here and all over the internet - seriously - Google the term. It's not just us oldies on SR who talk about it all the time!

Thing is - as harsh as this may sound - you are allowing yourself to feel this craziness and torture by allowing yourself to contact him. Going no contact means exactly that, and trust me, the pain you feel now does dissipate over time if you end the dance. If you don't, it will go on indefinitely.

So try this - next time you feel compelled to reach out and make contact - go do something else first. Talk with a trusted friend. Go get some exercise. Anything to NOT contact him. You do have this power over yourself. Choose next time to use it.

Broken hearts mend over time, I promise you this. But for healing to happen, you gotta let him go.
Peace,
~T

Recovering2

Be gentle with yourself. As dandylion said, Progress....not perfection. Look into why you're bored, seems that's when you get the trigger to contact him. Maybe you need to start a new habit? I had a friend who made herself walk a mile every day. Every day. It was a good way for her to start a new habit, and get some exercise. Start a journal? Take a class? Hang in there....you're doing fine.