Looking for a bit of strength and support
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 70
Looking for a bit of strength and support
Hi All,
I posted a while back on dealing with crazy parents - I'm back again looking for some more advice.
Essentially, my (ex?)ABF has been in rehab for four weeks. I've visited him while he's been in there, done a counselling session with him and things are considerably better. I've also attended the rehab centre's family and friends sessions on a weekly basis and been going to AlAnon. So that's all good. We are starting regular counselling sessions too, so that's good.
His parents are both functioning As. They have been away whist he's been in rehab and hence didn't visit or participate in any family group sessions, and they're not going to AlAnon either.
Ex(?)ABF came out of rehab last week and has been doing well (so far). The parents returned home one day after his release and were openly drinking in front of him. Not ideal, but anyway, I can't control that. Anyways, fortunately he didn't pick up and start drinking with them.
Ex(?)ABF's mother and I do not get along as (amongst other things) apparently I'm the reason why he drinks. I'm not a drinker, and I know the 3Cs so I know that's not true.
Ex(?)ABF spoke with his counsellor about his patents drinking in front of him and she suggested he move out. Sounds sensible to me, but that's his decision to make.
Ex(?)ABF's mother wants to come along to this week's family and friends session - it will be her first time, but my third. I'm quite terrified, because I find her to be quite bullying and intimidating. The friends and family group is something I find really valuable, and the network of people there are really supportive. And it's open to anyone, so I feel like I should be able to go, regardless of whether she attends or not. But I don't want to made to feel like I'm insignificant, not important, controlled or manipulated - which is what I'm afraid she might (will?) do. The session will be facilitated by a counsellor who I've met on several occasions, and like and trust. But I'm really scared.
I know this probably sounds trivial, but does anyone have any tips/suggestions? I'm really scared and don't know what to do...
Thanks all!
I posted a while back on dealing with crazy parents - I'm back again looking for some more advice.
Essentially, my (ex?)ABF has been in rehab for four weeks. I've visited him while he's been in there, done a counselling session with him and things are considerably better. I've also attended the rehab centre's family and friends sessions on a weekly basis and been going to AlAnon. So that's all good. We are starting regular counselling sessions too, so that's good.
His parents are both functioning As. They have been away whist he's been in rehab and hence didn't visit or participate in any family group sessions, and they're not going to AlAnon either.
Ex(?)ABF came out of rehab last week and has been doing well (so far). The parents returned home one day after his release and were openly drinking in front of him. Not ideal, but anyway, I can't control that. Anyways, fortunately he didn't pick up and start drinking with them.
Ex(?)ABF's mother and I do not get along as (amongst other things) apparently I'm the reason why he drinks. I'm not a drinker, and I know the 3Cs so I know that's not true.
Ex(?)ABF spoke with his counsellor about his patents drinking in front of him and she suggested he move out. Sounds sensible to me, but that's his decision to make.
Ex(?)ABF's mother wants to come along to this week's family and friends session - it will be her first time, but my third. I'm quite terrified, because I find her to be quite bullying and intimidating. The friends and family group is something I find really valuable, and the network of people there are really supportive. And it's open to anyone, so I feel like I should be able to go, regardless of whether she attends or not. But I don't want to made to feel like I'm insignificant, not important, controlled or manipulated - which is what I'm afraid she might (will?) do. The session will be facilitated by a counsellor who I've met on several occasions, and like and trust. But I'm really scared.
I know this probably sounds trivial, but does anyone have any tips/suggestions? I'm really scared and don't know what to do...
Thanks all!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 877
It doesn't sound trivial at all.. I understand why you are worried. However, no one can make you feel insignificant and unimportant. You have to do that to yourself. I have confidence that therapist in charge of the group will know how to handle the situation. Let us know how it goes..
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
I'd also think that the counsellor in charge of the group would know how to handle the situation. Families of A's that finally get to treatment are generally worn out and harried from life with their A. I can't imagine it's always a smooth session.
You've been to 2 sessions. If the counsellor thought it wasn't appropriate for you to be there, you'd've been told so before now and the appearance of his mom shouldn't change it.
Can I ask, I'm curious... you use Ex(?)ABF throughout your post. Are you not yet sure about whether he's an ex-bf? Or not yet sure he's a recovering ABF? You don't have to answer, it doesn't change my post. But it may lead to additional grief from his mom during the session if she's aware of the change to XABF.
You've been to 2 sessions. If the counsellor thought it wasn't appropriate for you to be there, you'd've been told so before now and the appearance of his mom shouldn't change it.
Can I ask, I'm curious... you use Ex(?)ABF throughout your post. Are you not yet sure about whether he's an ex-bf? Or not yet sure he's a recovering ABF? You don't have to answer, it doesn't change my post. But it may lead to additional grief from his mom during the session if she's aware of the change to XABF.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 70
Thanks guys, really appreciate it. I'm thinking that i might call the counsellor tomorrow during the day (in advance of the session) and let her know about how apprehensive I'm feeling. Not sure if that's a good idea or not; I'll sleep on it.
As for the exABF/RABF distinction - we have agreed to work on things and recently everything's been really good. That being said, his mother is causing significant issues and certainly isn't supportive of us being together. She is very opinionated and has a temper. My exABF/RABF doesn't have it in him to stand up to her - and for what it's worth, I don't blame him. And I don't want to cause a wedge between them - she is his mother after all, and like anyone else on the planet, she's entitled to her opinion(s). What I don't like, however, is feeling intimidated, threatened or manipulated/controlled. That (to me, anyway) is unacceptable behaviour. So I guess it's more about how to be able to say that I feel her behaviour is not OK and I find it distressing/upsetting, but in a way that won't result in an outburst or something.
I guess at the end of the day I feel very vulnerable. I know there's that quote from Eleanor Roosevelt that no one can make you feel inferior without your consent, and I'm trying super hard to remember it, but I also know that she's double my age, far wealthier, has good connections, etc. - which all makes it a bit tough.
On another note, I'd just like to say how much I appreciate all the wonderful virtual friends here at SR. Although I've never met you in person, so many of you have helped me at times when I've been feeling incredibly low and without judgement. It's been a real provision from God to have you here and I'm incredibly thankful.
As for the exABF/RABF distinction - we have agreed to work on things and recently everything's been really good. That being said, his mother is causing significant issues and certainly isn't supportive of us being together. She is very opinionated and has a temper. My exABF/RABF doesn't have it in him to stand up to her - and for what it's worth, I don't blame him. And I don't want to cause a wedge between them - she is his mother after all, and like anyone else on the planet, she's entitled to her opinion(s). What I don't like, however, is feeling intimidated, threatened or manipulated/controlled. That (to me, anyway) is unacceptable behaviour. So I guess it's more about how to be able to say that I feel her behaviour is not OK and I find it distressing/upsetting, but in a way that won't result in an outburst or something.
I guess at the end of the day I feel very vulnerable. I know there's that quote from Eleanor Roosevelt that no one can make you feel inferior without your consent, and I'm trying super hard to remember it, but I also know that she's double my age, far wealthier, has good connections, etc. - which all makes it a bit tough.
On another note, I'd just like to say how much I appreciate all the wonderful virtual friends here at SR. Although I've never met you in person, so many of you have helped me at times when I've been feeling incredibly low and without judgement. It's been a real provision from God to have you here and I'm incredibly thankful.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Hmm.
We have here a problem drinker bf, relationship in transition.
We have his arrogant mother. Oh yes, she's arrogant to be drinking right in front of him after all that rehab just over. She obviously doesn't grasp the severity of the situation, including her own issue.
Then there's you. Feeling intimidated, and rightly so.
Then there's the counselor.
The counselor is going to notice the arrogance of the mother. Believe me, it will come out.
So what can you do?
It's the mother's first family session. She is going to want to put in her 2 cents. Let her.
This session I would suggest sitting back, and letting the other players in the story reveal themselves. The mother and son relationship, for example. I would let it be about them. I wouldn't speak that much. It doesn't have to be about you, and that's a good thing.
If you are unjustly attacked, openly intimidated, you don't have to respond or defend yourself. Let her reveal herself! The counselor will catch on quick.
Remember what other people say doesn't reveal as much about you, even often when directed at you, as it does about them.
I would sit there and not contribute to any drama/chaos/dysfunction.
You will probably be surprised how this all goes, especially if you don't feel a need to make it about you.
I would contribute only when I could say something positive or insightful. You don't have to talk a lot.
Don't let yourself get pulled into the thick of things, there's no need for that!
We have here a problem drinker bf, relationship in transition.
We have his arrogant mother. Oh yes, she's arrogant to be drinking right in front of him after all that rehab just over. She obviously doesn't grasp the severity of the situation, including her own issue.
Then there's you. Feeling intimidated, and rightly so.
Then there's the counselor.
The counselor is going to notice the arrogance of the mother. Believe me, it will come out.
So what can you do?
It's the mother's first family session. She is going to want to put in her 2 cents. Let her.
This session I would suggest sitting back, and letting the other players in the story reveal themselves. The mother and son relationship, for example. I would let it be about them. I wouldn't speak that much. It doesn't have to be about you, and that's a good thing.
If you are unjustly attacked, openly intimidated, you don't have to respond or defend yourself. Let her reveal herself! The counselor will catch on quick.
Remember what other people say doesn't reveal as much about you, even often when directed at you, as it does about them.
I would sit there and not contribute to any drama/chaos/dysfunction.
You will probably be surprised how this all goes, especially if you don't feel a need to make it about you.
I would contribute only when I could say something positive or insightful. You don't have to talk a lot.
Don't let yourself get pulled into the thick of things, there's no need for that!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear Kasie---maybe it is time to practicing your detachment skills with his mother. It soun ds like the two of you have gotten enmeshed. His mother is his responsibility to deal with.
Personally, I sounds like a horrid idea for him to be living with her under the circumstances--but, that is none of our business (yours or mine--LOL). How he conducts his life and his recovery is his business. It is up to you to decide what You want to deal with--or NOT.
I'll wager that the meeting will likely go a lot easier than you think!
dandylion
Personally, I sounds like a horrid idea for him to be living with her under the circumstances--but, that is none of our business (yours or mine--LOL). How he conducts his life and his recovery is his business. It is up to you to decide what You want to deal with--or NOT.
I'll wager that the meeting will likely go a lot easier than you think!
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
Completely agree with BlueSkies1. This meeting may end up being the best thing that could happen for you. Counselors who specialize in addiction aren't easy to fool. So let Mom talk...and talk...and talk if she feels the need. If she is an active A, and is doing the usual deflecting/blaming it will be obvious. If she comments on you, keeps your eyes on the counselor. If he/she asks for feedback from you, be honest. Maybe have something small to hold in your hand that you can focus on when you want to interject.
I'm willing to bet Mom won't attend too many meetings if she gets challenged...but this can help the counselor see what you and your BF are up against.
Have courage....you're going to do great!!!
I'm willing to bet Mom won't attend too many meetings if she gets challenged...but this can help the counselor see what you and your BF are up against.
Have courage....you're going to do great!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 70
I promised I'd update you all:
Essentially, it went OK. She said all of about two sentences and that was it - aside from lots of sighing, 'umphs' and picking at her fingernails when others were sharing - and some raised eyebrows/eyes rolling. Nothing directed at me which was good. I said a little bit more than she did, but focused on what ex(?)ABF had been doing well thus far, good steps he's taken to date, and the fact that one of his key areas he might need focus on going forward is how to deal with life's little challenges without getting frustrated and how he deals with them but without turning to alcohol. Nothing way out there I don't think.
But - the good thing was - the counsellor checked up on me at the end of the session (she's really wonderful) and saw straight through his mum! For the first time in ages, I feel like someone sees things from my point of view and like I'm not going crazy, thinking that there's abnormal behaviour going on. It doesn't matter that it's not acted on or that no one else knows. It's just nice to know that I'm not imagining it.
So, as always dear SR buddies, you were right. Thanks for giving me the courage to face the day, I couldn't have done it without your wisdom, strength and insight.
Love and hugs to all xxx
Essentially, it went OK. She said all of about two sentences and that was it - aside from lots of sighing, 'umphs' and picking at her fingernails when others were sharing - and some raised eyebrows/eyes rolling. Nothing directed at me which was good. I said a little bit more than she did, but focused on what ex(?)ABF had been doing well thus far, good steps he's taken to date, and the fact that one of his key areas he might need focus on going forward is how to deal with life's little challenges without getting frustrated and how he deals with them but without turning to alcohol. Nothing way out there I don't think.
But - the good thing was - the counsellor checked up on me at the end of the session (she's really wonderful) and saw straight through his mum! For the first time in ages, I feel like someone sees things from my point of view and like I'm not going crazy, thinking that there's abnormal behaviour going on. It doesn't matter that it's not acted on or that no one else knows. It's just nice to know that I'm not imagining it.
So, as always dear SR buddies, you were right. Thanks for giving me the courage to face the day, I couldn't have done it without your wisdom, strength and insight.
Love and hugs to all xxx
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
YAY!!!!! I'm so glad you went through with the meeting. As expected, the counselor could see right through Mom. The fact that Mom did the sighing, eye rolling tells you she is either 1) not getting it or (2 getting it and really uncomfortable as a result. Either way....not your problem!
Great job Kasie!
Great job Kasie!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
