cathbrown03

It's been a vicious cycle of "I'll get clean for our relationship" and "I won't get clean for our relationship" for 2 years, and my expectations had become more and more flexible over the course of those two years - until I finally couldn't take it anymore. I basically told him that I needed to go home to halifax for 3 months and we needed to take a break. I spoke to his mom and she said that she wanted him to come home to colorado so that they could sort out how to help him - but she wouldn't be able to do that until June. I knew that if I left him alone he could potentially seriousely hurt himself. But he told me if I stayed he would try harder to fight his cravings
So I'm here until June - and we're still in a relationship, but every time i'm not with him so far and everytime i've spoken to him on the phone - his not sober. I feel used, and i feel like i haven't been living my own life for so long. I feel like I can't even go one day without worrying about him and meanwhile I have no clue how to find meaning in my own life. I feel like once I go home to Halifax for awhile I might gain back some of my individuality back, but i feel weak still. I feel like a big part of me doesn't want to show him tough love because of what that could do to him.

lizwig

Hi Cath, I'm sorry you are struggling. Have you tried attending an al-anon or nar-anon meeting? I found so much strength by attending. The reality is...if your boyfriend doesn't want to straighten himself out no-one else will be able to either. I'm a mom that wishes with all my heart that I had such powers. The best thing you can do is take care of yourself...if you decide to return to your family then make sure not to pack any guilt in your suitcase. You didn't cause this. You can't control it. And you can't cure it. I tell my son "I will support your recovery but not your addiction". And I don't mean financially. Sending strength your way...

EverHopeful721

I'm sorry you're in this situation, cathbrown. I also feel very used and I also, as a result of being a codependent, have not lived my life for myself in many, many years. For the first time in my adult life, I am not in a relationship, I don't have someone else to take care of or someone else's problems to solve, and I'm finding it extremely difficult to figure out what to do with myself right now.

I know you're afraid to take a break from your BF, but when you think about it, you always being there for him hasn't made any difference in him wanting to get himself clean. Perhaps if you took a break, and essentially took away his 'cushion,' he will hit his bottom faster and will finally take the steps necessary to get clean. But regardless, when it all comes down to it, I agree with lizwig - if your BF doesn't want to get clean, nothing you say/do or don't say/do will make one bit of difference. No one can make your BF get clean except HIM. Until he wants it for himself, it doesn't matter whether you're there or not there, he will continue to use and he will get worse.

Read the stickies at the top of the page, and especially "What Addicts Do." That one really helped to put it into perspective for me. Also, keep reading and posting - it really helps to have somewhere you can come and talk with people who understand exactly what you're going through.