I need your encouragement!

Old 05-05-2013, 01:47 PM
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I need your encouragement!

I found out in a way I know was wrong, I was at my bf's desk on the computer and his VISA bill was laying there and we live together so it isn't like a complete thing where I went "looking. or snooping" but I shouldn't of looked at it but it was there. I looked at the charges on the bill.

Now he often lets me use his card if I need money here and there so I guess I may be minimizing but I know it was wrong but I did look at the bill.....

The reason I am upset at myself is because in the two years I have NEVER ever looked thru his wallet, bills or any personal things!!!

On the bill was a charge that was weird......I googled it.... I found out that he infact paid for a service to do a criminal background check and credit report on me.

I was dumbfounded.

I am still in shock and a feel very betrayed. About a year ago he audiotaped me for 6mos without my knowing. I have know idea if I will ever be able to trust again.

I believe I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
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Old 05-05-2013, 02:55 PM
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Dear Iloveme, what do think his angle is/was? I must admit that I would be very dumbfounded myself---and feel very betrayed. I mean, he could have asked you if he had any concerns about your past, couldn't he?

sincerely, dandylion
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Old 05-05-2013, 03:06 PM
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He audiotaped you for what? What was his reason for that? Now he has done a background check on you? What is happening for any of these things to be done? I'm confused. Sure I know people do background checks on each other before being in a relationship with them but...what would make someone audiotape then do a background check long in to a relationship with another?
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Old 05-05-2013, 03:21 PM
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Wow. Well, it sounds like he has some major trust issues, to say the least.

I did a background check on my ABF before he moved in - can't be too careful, especially since I have kids. But I told him about it and explained why.

I am sometimes guilty of snooping on him - he has lots of friends who are girls and last year one of them was really, really going after him. Really - trying to get him to sneak out and meet her, the whole works. He handled it well - told her no, but it really threw me for a loop because he was texting her as "friends" for a long time before I found out about it AND he didn't tell me about her antics - found out through someone else. I felt like he had violated my trust by not telling me about the problem.

So sometimes I still take a peek at his call log and texts. I shouldn't. But, I do. I like to reassure myself that I have nothing to worry about. However, I would never go so far as to record him or do checks like that - that seems.... off... to say the least. It scares me a little bit for you - like maybe he is borderline abusive or obsessed.

If the bill was on the table then of course you can look at it, IMHO. My boyfriend and I do - we have a mutual understanding that if it is left out in plain view then it isn't private. If it goes in our drawers then it is private. We never talked about it - just something that we have an unspoken agreement about.

This is a tough one to handle. I know this is a delicate question but have you given him a reason to distrust you? If so, you might have a talk about it and come to some sort of understanding about transparency and being able to share your concerns. (And don't get me wrong - he is going to extremes even if you had done something truly heinous like had an affair!! Definite red flag there.)

If you have never given him a reason to distrust you, I would confront him. He needs help with trust issues and codependency. His monitoring behavior sounds like codependency and possibly anxiety issues. (I am speculating... I am not a mental health professional.)

But no one can live that way - it is controlling and he needs to stop, especially if you have never done anything to spark his distrust. He needs to either work out his issues and learn to let go or get out, in my opinion.
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Old 05-05-2013, 05:20 PM
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Does he show other signs of being controlling? This is a major red flag. Both examples you have given would be deal breakers for me. I wouldn't even want to hear his explanation.
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Old 05-05-2013, 06:36 PM
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Is there anything left out? Past indiscretions, problems with finances, the law etc on your part? Maybe he is planning on proposing, and wants to be sure there are no skeletons in the closet? (Still odd if you are in a trusting relationship)

Also, could the background check have been for someone else? I would assume that the name of the person that he checked was not on the credit card receipt, so are you sure it was for you?
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Old 05-05-2013, 07:25 PM
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Thank you for your input. I have and always was upfront through out this relatonship. I have told him any and all concerns thruout previous relationships still I can not see why anyone would think they would have the right to do thids to their partner of two years already.....

I do find it interesting how each gender does minimize the behavior in their own way. Facinating. I especially like the proposing one.......if indeed that was his angle? why would he decide two years later? really? cmon? ridiculous? It is another for of control.... He has recently started counseling for hitting me.... and he no longer is doing that and these obsurd behaviors are now occurring.
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Old 05-05-2013, 08:01 PM
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I really wasn't trying to minimize- His actions indicate he for some reason doesn't trust you, and with limited background info one can only speculate as to why. I don't know either of your stories, and was merely throwing out some ideas for what appears to be irrational behavior on his part. Not sure it has anything to do with gender.

As part of my inquisitive nature, I am still wondering how you know the background check was for you?
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Old 05-06-2013, 06:00 AM
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He has recently started counseling for hitting me....

may I ask why his hitting you was not a deal breaker? add to that the taping and other activities you probably haven't shared here yet and I would say you are mixed up with a dangerous man and it's time to hightail it outta there!!!! abuse is abuse is abuse. never acceptable.
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Old 05-06-2013, 06:28 AM
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may I ask why his hitting you was not a deal breaker? add to that the taping and other activities you probably haven't shared here yet and I would say you are mixed up with a dangerous man and it's time to hightail it outta there!!!! abuse is abuse is abuse. never acceptable.
Yeah, all this speculation. At the point he's hitting, taping, and whatever else, who cares what his REASONS are?
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Old 05-06-2013, 07:25 AM
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Does it really matter what his motives are ?

This guy is abusive.

You say you are close to a nervous breakdown, well, my suggestion would be to get the hell away from him.

His actions are his, the choice remains YOURS.

Knowing what you know today, do you want to continue in this situation?
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Old 05-06-2013, 08:05 AM
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He has recently started counseling for hitting me.
I have to agree with Anvil on this. For me this would be a deal breaker.

Your friend,
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Old 05-06-2013, 08:24 AM
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Hitting me....deal breaker. Audiotape me for 6 months....deal breaker. This is a very controlling personality. I would NOT trust this guy. People will treat you the way you allow them to treat you. Why are you tolerating this?

Finding the bill was a gift. Now you know. I would say cut your losses and get out while you can.
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Old 05-06-2013, 03:47 PM
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Thank you this has indeed helped. I must admit you guys are tough. Crazed, he admitted to it when I called his bluff and told him I had a credit report that showed his inqiry. And Anvil I did bring up the audiotaping.........anyway I don't get why his motives are relavant either....... I think I was just looking for some comfort. I don't know I learned along time ago not to tell people what they "should" do....
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Old 05-06-2013, 04:20 PM
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Dear iloveme, I believe that the strongly worded "suggestions" that the posters (including myself) are responding in a protective to what is perceived as a foreshadowing of possible danger for you. I don't believe that it is simply out of a motivation to be controlling or bossy.

Generally, when we see others that we care about to be directly in harm's way (or, possibly so), it is human nature to do straight and direct talk. For example: "Look out for that Cliff!!"......rather than.....A leisurely talk about the Law of Gravity.

Of course, we all take what works and leave the rest.

sincerely, dandylion
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Old 05-06-2013, 05:27 PM
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And I would check your OWN credit report if you haven't already. It might be that he is looking to open some credit in your name.
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Old 05-06-2013, 05:54 PM
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Each of us comes here for different reasons. We have similarities but each story is unique. A big part of this place is to provide support to each other. Your posts indicate you felt(or feel)uneasy, like a nervous breakdown, you mention being hit and also being audiotaped. Any one of these is a reason for you to get yourself in a safe place for yourself. I believe anyone here would want the same for you.
Prayers
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Old 05-06-2013, 07:34 PM
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Hang in there iloveme. I also learned that the folks here are tough
But it comes from many years of experience of dealing with this sh!t that us new folks are trying to wrap our heads around.

Only you know which path you will take, and what you are willing to accept in your relationship.

For the record, i do not believe his actions (whatever the motivation) are conducive to a healthy relationship.
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Old 05-06-2013, 08:10 PM
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Hi i am ony a new comer but i do believe he is trying to control you and if he has to do these thingS well i would not be with him or he would have to change. You are a person who should be treated with respect and love and care and you do the same for him. The trust thing should be very important to both of you. If you need to know something ask him to show you the visa or what you were looking at of his. I know a very good friend and her boyfriend was doing the similar thing to my friend and finally she let him go she couldnt live like this and finally it ended bad and he got so mad he beat her and she died of the beatings as he didnt trust her and she had a excellent credit and he was also haveing an affair. Be very careful and you dont need a nervouse breakdown and should you not be happy so mabye think it over and there probably is someone else out there just waiting to treat you proper an in time you will meet. Take one day at a time talk to your higher power and pray, he always will show you the way. Rember you are a person who needs to be loved and you need to really think about this relationship. good luck
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Old 05-06-2013, 08:28 PM
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NO ONE can pull a credit report on another without a signed release by the person being credit checked. Someone broke the law and it was an unethical act by your partner. This is a serious offense!

The hitting is even worse...

I know it sounds like everyone is being "tough" but these are huge red flags and worrisome and well... most of us are mother hen codies and we care about you... even though we have never met in person we understand that pull and connection to possible toxic relationships.

Just consider us "red flag detectors" that wave our arms around and loudly proclaim "Danger Will Robinson, Danger!!!" (Lost in Space blast from the past)
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