Just need a hug:)
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Just need a hug:)
Ugh so I am sorry but I just need a hug. My husband is an alcoholic and is currently back drinking. I had caught him 2 weeks ago and kicked him out. (note we have 4 kids 7,4,4,2)He moved back in 5 days ago and today I thought I could trust him. Well just got back from doing the marathon-which was a huge accomplishment for me, to find the house a mess and what looks like the kids had no supervision. My husband driving around town with all 4 kids then passing out on the couch. I am just sitting here crying. I know I need to end this but it is so hard
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
jme, I am a runner too, and if you have managed to train for and run a marathon, you CAN get this man out of your life and move on to make a much better future for you and your kids. Seriously, you have to know this, right?
Clearly you can make a plan, stick to it and then do what you prepared to do. Get yourself to Alanon if you haven't been yet and then start using your persistence and organization to build a life w/o the A.
Clearly you can make a plan, stick to it and then do what you prepared to do. Get yourself to Alanon if you haven't been yet and then start using your persistence and organization to build a life w/o the A.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Gulf Coast, Florida USA
Posts: 5,731
Originally Posted by jme1976 
Ugh so I am sorry but I just need a hug. My husband is an alcoholic and is currently back drinking. I had caught him 2 weeks ago and kicked him out. (note we have 4 kids 7,4,4,2)He moved back in 5 days ago and today I thought I could trust him. Well just got back from doing the marathon-which was a huge accomplishment for me, to find the house a mess and what looks like the kids had no supervision. My husband driving around town with all 4 kids then passing out on the couch. I am just sitting here crying. I know I need to end this but it is so hard
Here if you need a friend , pm me
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
CONGRATULATIONS on your marathon. That is a huge accomplishment and you should be proud of yourself. You managed to train for an endurance event with 4 kids??? That speaks to your mental fortitude.
Curious as to why your AH came home 5 days ago? We have to be very careful about not respecting our own boundaries, or the A learns not to respect them either. He has now shown you that this is bigger than him, and he can't be trusted.
Only you can decide what's right for you. If you're not in AlAnon, I would suggest you find a meeting and start going. You should have a little time now that marathon training is over.
Seriously, you will get the support you need in AlAnon, and it will help you make the right choice for you. I have no doubt you can do whatever you need to do.
Curious as to why your AH came home 5 days ago? We have to be very careful about not respecting our own boundaries, or the A learns not to respect them either. He has now shown you that this is bigger than him, and he can't be trusted.
Only you can decide what's right for you. If you're not in AlAnon, I would suggest you find a meeting and start going. You should have a little time now that marathon training is over.
Seriously, you will get the support you need in AlAnon, and it will help you make the right choice for you. I have no doubt you can do whatever you need to do.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 6
Went to an alnon meeting and it was horrible. They told me I was lucky I only had to deal with him a few hours a day in order to get his paycheck. REALLY?? The one woman told me her husband went to rehab 34 times. When I asked why she was still with him she told me for her pay check. UGH
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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I would also just like to say I am so frustrated because his parents and family say I should support him and help him....I can not trust him, I do not love him anymore, I am putting my kids at risk. Why should I support him? His first DUI involved flipping a car over with my kids in it. I CAN NOT and will not forget that. I ask him what he wants and he says to get better. That is great but he can get better on his own.
Sorry I am just so mad. Maybe I am wrong but I need to put my kids first. I want support too!
Sorry I am just so mad. Maybe I am wrong but I need to put my kids first. I want support too!
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Exitville
Posts: 214
congratulations on your marathon. that is huge! awesome! so sorry the meeting did not go well. prayers to you in your situation and to your children as well. he can get better on his own. you are correct. often, outsiders/family/friends do not know what to say nor do they know the situation on a day to day basis inside the home and how it feels, what it does to you, what it does to the children. you do. take care of yourself, take care of your children and remain focused exactly as you do with training.
also, his family can support and help him if they think you should. you have children to take care of. let them "take care of" their son if they find it appropriate to do so. 4 children plus yourself is HUGE to take care of.
Prayers to your family
also, his family can support and help him if they think you should. you have children to take care of. let them "take care of" their son if they find it appropriate to do so. 4 children plus yourself is HUGE to take care of.
Prayers to your family
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by jme1976
Went to an alnon meeting and it was horrible. They told me I was lucky I only had to deal with him a few hours a day in order to get his paycheck. REALLY?? The one woman told me her husband went to rehab 34 times. When I asked why she was still with him she told me for her pay check. UGH
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 267
((JME)) I am so sorry your meeting wasn't exactly supportive.
No one can tell you what to do in terms of throwing him out or allowing him to stay, but do take steps to keep those babies safe. When my ex-husband was addicted to painkillers I would come home to find him passed out on the couch and our (then) 10-month-old daughter playing by herself in the living room. I never left her alone with him again. Unfortunately, it sounds like you need to do that, at the minimum.
His family will blame you because they are looking for a quick fix and it is easier to blame you for not being supportive than to get angry at their son. It happens all the time, unfortunately.
And congrats on your marathon! Before I got pregnant I was starting to train for a half marathon - soooo much work! I am proud of you!
No one can tell you what to do in terms of throwing him out or allowing him to stay, but do take steps to keep those babies safe. When my ex-husband was addicted to painkillers I would come home to find him passed out on the couch and our (then) 10-month-old daughter playing by herself in the living room. I never left her alone with him again. Unfortunately, it sounds like you need to do that, at the minimum.
His family will blame you because they are looking for a quick fix and it is easier to blame you for not being supportive than to get angry at their son. It happens all the time, unfortunately.
And congrats on your marathon! Before I got pregnant I was starting to train for a half marathon - soooo much work! I am proud of you!
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
You are a winner! 
You ran a marathon! That is huge! I am gobsmacked!
I just got back from walking to Walgreen's and want someone to give me a cookie! LOL
As far as what the parents think, uh, consider the source. The parents of your husband, who raised him. They saw you coming and breathed a huge sigh of relief, they do not want the job back now! I have been in both positions.
His first DUI involved flipping a car over with my kids in it. I CAN NOT and will not forget that.
That is not good enough with 4 young children to care for.
Tell his parents to support this person while you take care of yourself and your children.
I have never in my 20 years around the rooms of AA, AlAnon, or AcoA, heard of any kind of meeting like the one you described. Those women are in re runs of Night of the Living Dead "Lucky to have a drunk husband only a few hours a week". Geez, she must be living a terrible life. I have heard of "sick" meetings, but this is beyond any minor voting squabble. <shudder>
Anyway, try not to give up completely on the group support. In can be incredibly helpful. LOL I could easily imagine you running your own group and doing a great job of spreading the experience strength and hope.
Keep being a winner, you will get there.
Beth
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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wicked
your statement is valuable insight about the parents. my ex's parents were so in to me when i came along. after a breakup they were very vocal they were thankful i came back. hindsight being 20/20 and your statement in your post. that's exactly why. they know.
all other info you posted is valuable as well.
jme, try another meeting and take care of all.
your statement is valuable insight about the parents. my ex's parents were so in to me when i came along. after a breakup they were very vocal they were thankful i came back. hindsight being 20/20 and your statement in your post. that's exactly why. they know.
all other info you posted is valuable as well.
jme, try another meeting and take care of all.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: Acton
Posts: 13
jme, this is my first day here. I extend huge Canadian warm squishy hugs of encouragement. My BF is a using drug addict and had a seizure in front of me for the first time last night. I was kidding myself that it was "just pot." He's a full blown drug addict. I do not have the courage to walk away. I am proud of you for kicking him out and am so sorry you are hurt by his actions. I know how much it hurts and how much a hug can mean. a thousand times overs___(((((Hugs)))) KAxxoo
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Jme, it is unacceptable for him or anyone to put your kids at such a risk, please don't wait until something worse happens. You are still in time to start a new life for you and the kids.
Congratulations for your marathon!!!
Congratulations for your marathon!!!
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 490
Yes! Well done on your marathon. That's amazing. I can't even vacuum without wanting a medal
I know my AXH's mother breathed a sigh of relief when I came along. She actually told me she did because she "knew that I'd take care of him". If I knew then what I know now, after 22 years of coddling her drunken adult baby, I should've RUN way back when.
When you're done you're done. I thought I was done the first time my AXH set the house on fire in a drunken midnight cooking spree while the kids and I were sleeping. After the first fire, the BIG one, (any normal person would have learned their lesson) he set more stuff in the kitchen on fire while drunk cooking when the kids and I were sleeping setting the smoke alarms off two more times.
It took me a few years to realise I was done. A few years of detaching (badly) whilst still enabling. A few years of telling him he needed to get help or we were done. I even told him the day before he signed for apartment that if he got help he could stay.
He chose to sign for his apartment and is still happily drinking himself to death while his Mommy and family blame me for him being a loser drunk. After all, he says I make him drink and they agree with him that I am a crazy, insane beatch from hell, so it must be true
What I don't understand is how we have no contact and haven't even spoken face to face in almost 9 months and yet he is still a loser drunk and it's still all my fault. How can I make him drink when I'm not even with him? Am I THAT powerful?
Originally Posted by jme1976
I would also just like to say I am so frustrated because his parents and family say I should support him and help him....I can not trust him, I do not love him anymore, I am putting my kids at risk. Why should I support him? His first DUI involved flipping a car over with my kids in it. I CAN NOT and will not forget that. I ask him what he wants and he says to get better. That is great but he can get better on his own.
Sorry I am just so mad. Maybe I am wrong but I need to put my kids first. I want support too!
Sorry I am just so mad. Maybe I am wrong but I need to put my kids first. I want support too!
When you're done you're done. I thought I was done the first time my AXH set the house on fire in a drunken midnight cooking spree while the kids and I were sleeping. After the first fire, the BIG one, (any normal person would have learned their lesson) he set more stuff in the kitchen on fire while drunk cooking when the kids and I were sleeping setting the smoke alarms off two more times.
It took me a few years to realise I was done. A few years of detaching (badly) whilst still enabling. A few years of telling him he needed to get help or we were done. I even told him the day before he signed for apartment that if he got help he could stay.
He chose to sign for his apartment and is still happily drinking himself to death while his Mommy and family blame me for him being a loser drunk. After all, he says I make him drink and they agree with him that I am a crazy, insane beatch from hell, so it must be true
What I don't understand is how we have no contact and haven't even spoken face to face in almost 9 months and yet he is still a loser drunk and it's still all my fault. How can I make him drink when I'm not even with him? Am I THAT powerful?
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Lulu
it is hard to understand how the twisting and turning of almost everything occurs. especially when it comes to friend and family you've known, you've interacted with them, they know your values and personality, etc...yet when it all is said and done...somehow, someway it gets turned back on us. my ex didn't just shock me with all the lies but then the family and friend responses shocked me as well. somewhere else i posted i often said "is this real???" because it all seemed soooooo unbelievable. well, to an honest, open, non-user it is unbelievable. we wouldn't do it. but the addict will. and whoever he has nearest/closest to him will too. grasping all of it at once was hard.
even though i struggle with getting back on my own two feet and daily work on letting go and getting back to just me now--at least i have the peace of mind to know i am real. i am really doing this with all the raw and jagged feelings/honest pain, etc.
i will progress and be whole again. honestly whole. the insanity that exists in their lives will always be there. i won't. and i'm thankful.
it is hard to understand how the twisting and turning of almost everything occurs. especially when it comes to friend and family you've known, you've interacted with them, they know your values and personality, etc...yet when it all is said and done...somehow, someway it gets turned back on us. my ex didn't just shock me with all the lies but then the family and friend responses shocked me as well. somewhere else i posted i often said "is this real???" because it all seemed soooooo unbelievable. well, to an honest, open, non-user it is unbelievable. we wouldn't do it. but the addict will. and whoever he has nearest/closest to him will too. grasping all of it at once was hard.
even though i struggle with getting back on my own two feet and daily work on letting go and getting back to just me now--at least i have the peace of mind to know i am real. i am really doing this with all the raw and jagged feelings/honest pain, etc.
i will progress and be whole again. honestly whole. the insanity that exists in their lives will always be there. i won't. and i'm thankful.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 6
yeah well the plot thickens.....he didn't come home last night and didn't go to work today. Just got a call he is in Jail again for DUI again. I can not believe this. I am so upset. Actually between mad and worried about him and the possiblility of loosing his job. UGH
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
yeah well the plot thickens.....
Drunks who drive get DUIs and go to jail. Over and over.
********{jme}}}}}
(i cannot find the hug smiley)
Please remember too, if he is in jail, he is not behind the wheel of a car.
He is safer there than anywhere right now. I know that mean seem harsh, but I must admit with shame that I drove while drunk. It is only through the grace of God that I hurt no one, including my own children.
Take care of you and your children. There is not enough worry in the world to change his path.
Beth
Last edited by wicked; 05-06-2013 at 12:41 PM. Reason: to add hugs
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